Sheriff of Nottingham sends palmer into exile

Sherwood Forest, A.D. 1192 (approx.)

Vassals of the Sheriff of Nottingham, Shearer West, have reacted violently to the news that a distinguished palmer, Friar "David" Tuck, is a perfectly normal Catholic, by exiling him as an outlaw. Fr Tuck had been named as chaplain to the Catholic youths in Nottingham by the local bishop, but it came to the attention of the Shearer's serfs that he was actually a serious Catholic, and not too keen on local customs such as abortion and assisted suicide. Apparently, Tuck used social media (tying a note to an arrow and firing it into the chambers of the Shearer) to communicate standard Catholic teaching, and this was badly received.

Rigid Catholics (outlaws).

A spokesman for the Shearer of Nottingham commented, "David the palmer is really quite a merry man, and he is welcome to any views he wishes, as long as he doesn't try to communicate them to others. Why can't he be a devout pilgrim, like Joseph of Afghanithea, currently on a crusade somewhere near the Holy Land? Joseph welcomes the slaughter of innocents, and nobody turns a hair!"

Friends of Friar Tuck have rushed to his defence. "Nottingham welcomes many heathen faiths: there are other Christian chaplains and even Saracen and Jewish chaplains. Most of these slavishly give their pronouns as 'he/him' or 'she/her' to show that they are truly woke," said Robin Hood (he/him). Little John (he/him) and Will Scarlet (also he/him) agreed, but wondered whether firing an arrow into the Shearer of Nottingham's arm might have been an unsuitable use of social media.

All facts verified by 1066 and all that.

Nottingham has a certain track record of harassing Catholics: Maid Marian Rynkiewicz (she/her), a pro-life student, had received her degree a year late because the local clerks objected to her beliefs, although she received a settlement involving bags of gold.

The Bishop of Nottingham (His Lordship/His Lordship) has been asked to nominate another chaplain, one who isn't too serious about the faith, but since no Jesuits will be available for several hundred years, he has refused.

Pope Francis upset by "More tea, vicar?"

It has been reported that the 2020 Pontifical Yearbook, the Holy See's annual directory, has dropped the title of "Vicar of Christ" from its description of Jorge Mario Bergoglio, relegating it to a footnote - and we know from Amoris Laetitia that nobody trusts footnotes - as a "historical title".

More tea, vicar?

Francis has similarly lost some of his other titles:

* Boss-man of the Catholic Church;
* Mr Infallible;
* Grandmaster of the art of Papa-Slappa;
* The Big Cheese;
* Holiest Man in the World;
* Bouncer Bergoglio (from his days in Argentina);
* The Fat Controller;
* Mr Sunshine;
* Big Frank;
* Mother Nature's Favourite Son;
* Humblest Man in the Vatican 2013-2020;
* Santo Subito. 

It is said that Francis didn't like to be called "Vicar of Christ", as it sounded too much like "Vicar of Christchurch", which would make him an Anglican clergyman from New Zealand (or possibly Dorset), subsisting largely on cups of tea from grateful parishioners. However, it has always been a definite solecism to ask the Pope, "More tea, vicar?"

Choir Practice at St Ngaio's, Christchurch.

Just as it is bad manners to refer to someone by a pronoun xe doesn't want (Xe will be very offended), it is wrong to mis-title the Holy Father, Pope Francis, Deputy God (are we still allowed to use these titles?) So no more tactless references to "Christ" - they confuse him.