Anglican Church to pay 1 zillion pounds compensation

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, announced today that the Anglican Church would finally be compensating the Catholic Church to the extent of 1 zillion pounds for the hardship, damage and looting that took place during the Reformation. He also apologised for the Reformation's "deliberate actions to destroy diverse Catholic religious belief systems" (yes, he really talks like that - I changed only one word).

It's a deal!

It is thought that this money will be used in two ways:

1. To make all people whose ancestors were Catholics rich beyond the dreams of avarice, even though they personally did nothing to deserve it.

2. To bail out the Catholic Church in England so that it can finally build some half-decent churches.

Arthur Roche tucks into a celebratory snack!

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, has welcomed the offer but said "In fact we are holding out for 1 squillion pounds, so that all descendants of Catholics can become quite disgustingly rich without doing anything to deserve it. Also, we want decent churches, not half-decent churches."

Not even a half-decent cathedral, unfortunately.

There had been some suggestions that the Catholic Church could take over some of the churches and cathedrals nationalized in the 16th century, but it was pointed out that these are now used mainly for crazy golf, helter-skelters, dinosaur exhibits and discos, and it would be difficult to return them to religious worship.

Peterborough Cathedral (with the tomb of Catherine of Aragon) is now a dinosaur museum.

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Royal Palaces could become Catholic monasteries

It is reported today that King Charles has not ruled out the possibility of making reparations to the Catholic Church for the actions of King Henry VIII in dissolving the monasteries and nationalizing the churches and cathedrals.

Buckingham Palace said on Thursday that his Majesty took the issue ``profoundly seriously" having previously expressed his ``personal sorrow" over the suffering of Catholics who were robbed and martyred by the Tudors.

A Palace spokesman said that the question whether the King might donate his royal residences - Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, Sandringham, Balmoral, etc. - to the Catholic Church for use as cathedrals - or, more practically, as desirable monasteries - amounted to speculation as this stage, but could not be ruled out.

Soon to be St Thomas More Abbey?

"It makes a lot more sense than trying to `compensate' victims of slavery, when after all we were the ones who abolished slavery, doesn't it!" commented the spokesman.

If the Royal Family does decide to vacate its properties, it will no doubt require alternative accommodation, and the Royal Househunter Poursivant has already been looking for suitable property in the Islington area ``where all the rich woke people live".

An alternative possibility is that King Charles may choose to live somewhere like Fountains Abbey, which would require too much trouble to rebuild to its original purposes.

A home suitable for a king?

Fountains is one of many examples of Reformation Architecture. As the Estate Agents point out, it is very well-ventilated, with many walls and windows removed to enhance the views of the surrounding countryside and cut down on maintenance costs. Since Fountains has no roof, the rooms are also provided with ecologically sensitive shower facilities, which consume no energy. (One can wear one's crown if the rain is too heavy.)

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very appreciative of the King's plans, and hope to be allocated a ruined abbey of their own in due course. "Meghan gets a bit emotional sometimes," quipped Harry, "and if the house is already vandalised she can throw plates around without anybody minding."

Shall we see the Sussexes moving to Whitby?