I'm a Catholic - get me out of here!

Following the news that Pope Francis sent a special apostolic blessing to Mr Declan "Dec" Donnelly on his wedding day, it turns out that the Holy Father is a long time fan of "Ant and Dec" despite not having watched television since 1990 (there is a special archbishop - believed to be Arthur Roche - whose duties include watching TV for him).

Deacon Declan Donnelly and Alison Astall

The next step will be a special programme "I'm a Catholic - get me out of here!" in which various celebrity Catholics, including Pope Francis, Cardinal Kasper, Cardinal Dolan, Cardinal Nichols, Prof. Tina Beattie, Professor Emerita Margaret Farley, Fr Tony Flannery and Mgr Basil Loftus will be sent to the Australian bush, and asked to undergo various trials.

Pope Francis has commented, "Being surrounded by a lot of creepy-crawlies doesn't really bother me. It will be good practice for the Extraordinary Synod in October. But enough of my fellow-contestants!"

Cardinal Dolan practises with a few plates of pasta stuffed with kangaroo spleen.

Prof. Tina Beattie is equally sanguine about the competition. "I don't know exactly what the rules of the game are," she says, "but if it's anything like Catholicism then we can probably make up our own rules!"

Meanwhile, Mgr Loftus feels that he is returning to the true Holy Land. Indeed, he has written a hard-hitting article for the Catholic Times explaining that Jesus's ministry - if it ever took place - was probably conducted in Queensland. We tried to contact the editor of the newspaper to ask him why he regularly printed such rubbish, but the only reply was "That's our comedy column - didn't you know? Nobody except Dr Joseph Shaw thinks he's being serious."

Finally, Tony Flannery is not expected to perform well. One of the trials he must undergo involves remaining silent for five minutes, and he is expected to consider this an unreasonable challenge. "As I have told the Vatican many times," he says, "I will not be silenced!"

Cardinal Pell, one of the judges, with a specially-trained wallaby.

Religious news

I'm a heretic...

A new series of the television series I'm a heretic, get me out of here! is just starting. It will be hosted as usual by those lovable churchmen Cantoris and Decani (Cant and Dec), and the line-up this year includes the great Hans Küng and Professor Tina Beattie.

Sister Nadine of the Nuns of St Omnibus.

Cant and Dec explained to us that the contestants would undertake various challenging tasks, which would include swallowing disgusting things - such as Tina Beattie's religious writings - and carving a termite mound into the likeness of a famous theologian.

A termite mound carved into a statue of Hans Küng.

We asked whether the contestants would get Sundays off in order to attend Mass, and Cant and Dec merely responded with hysterical laughter. Now why should that be?

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Father Dunn dies.

Fr Dunn, with companion.

The death is announced of Father "Grandad" Dunn, at the age of 92. Fr Dunn was a member of the religious organization Exercitus Patri, which flourished in the 1970s. He is fondly remember for his sermons on the subjects, Panic ye not, panic ye not, my people, O Lord, grant me permission to speak, and The ungodly one liketh not a smiting from below. RIP.

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Oil tycoon to run Church of England?

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting that the Bishop of Durham, Justin Welby, a former oil tycoon, will be appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Justin Welby - on the side of the angels.

Welby is the author of many well-regarded theological books, such as Holy Unction - why don't we use more oil? and Natural gas and gaiters. However, his enemies describe him as "a boring man."

The See of Canterbury (if he gets it) will give Welby a new platform for his views.