New faces at the Congregation for Divine Worship

Having sacked Cardinals Burke, Scola, Pell, Ouellet, Ranjith etc. from the Congregation for Divine Worship, Pope Francis has brought in some exciting new names, including a batch of Lay Cardinals, who truly reflect the progressive style of liturgy that the Holy Father wishes to see. It is said that Cardinal Sarah, who remains at the head of the CDW is "less than delighted", which is Vatican-speak for "is the pope out of his mind?"

Bosco the Clown.

Cardinal Bosco is not actually a Catholic - indeed he was brought up on the writings of Jack Chick - but hey, these days we need to be more ecumenical with the truth! This new appointment will certainly stress the important role that "clown masses" play in contemporary worship. As Latin is phased out and circus slang replaces it as the Church's official language, we expect Cardinal Bosco to be in the lead when it comes to dumbing down.

Cardinal Sir Paul Inwood.

Composer of the official Year of Mercy hymn In aeternum misericordia eius ch-ch, and its official arrangement for guitar, kazoo, Balinese nose-flute and a thousand press-ganged choristers, Cardinal Inwood is working on projects that are expected to startle the Catholic world. Out goes Gregorian Chant, and in come minimalist Taizé-style pastiches! When the current Year of Mercy ends and we move on to a Year of Chaos, Uncle Paul will be in the vanguard.

Piero Marini doing the old custard-pie trick on Pope Benedict.

A disciple of Annibale Bugsbunni, the Freemason who brought so many new ideas into Catholic liturgy, Piero Marini is popularly supposed to have been appointed in mistake for Guido Marini, who is a thoroughly sensible person. His nomination has been universally greeted with cries of "Surely you're joking, Holy Father?"

Cardinal Pinocchio, master of ceremonies for puppet masses.

All right, Eccles, that's enough of that.

At the drop of a biretta

With apologies to the original Flanders and Swann song Transport of Delight.

Some people like a Latin Mass: they say, "Credo for me!"
Or for bonny Agnus Dei, they'd lay them down and dee.
Such means of praise and worship do seem old and rather crass,
To the priest...
... yes, and the deacon...
... in a very modern Mass!
   
Sing Alleluia! Ch-ch!
Sing Alleluia! Ch-ch! 
   
When you are sitting in our church, the coolest place in town,
You'll see the priest processing in, dressed as a jolly clown.
He greets the congregation with "Hey folks! This is a gas!"
In a swinging sixties, Novus Ordo, 
Liberal and progressive modern Mass.

The Gospel reading

We start off with some dancing girls, for in our litur-gy
We take out all the holy bits and shout "Hey! Look at me!"
So let's have wild cavorting now from every lad and lass
In an all-inclusive, Tablet-sponsored, swinging sixties, 
Novus Ordo, liberal and progressive modern Mass.
   
This is a transport of delight. 
Of delight!
Walk in delight! Walk in delight!
This is a transport of delight. 
Walk in delight!
Walk walk walk walk walk in delight!

... your right arm in, and shake it all about...

We now bring on our puppet friends, to help us with our prayer:
For who can say that Mass is not improved by Fozzie Bear?
Those nasty traddy Catholics were faced with an impasse! 
The priest is putting on a show,
The deacon is Pinocchio
In the all-inclusive, 
Tablet-sponsored, 
Swinging sixties, Novus Ordo, 
Liberal and progressive modern Mass.

A solemn moment in our devotions.

We don't have moral standards now - that really is too tame!
Since Vatican the Second, things just haven't been the same.
We praise gay rights, abortion, women priests, divorce - 
   it's clear
That Jesus, Peter and St Paul had simply no idea!
Our secular religion they may say is a "morass".
We don't believe in Heaven or Hell,
And really, that is just as well,
For the priest is putting on a show,
The deacon is Pinocchio
In the all-inclusive, 
Tablet-sponsored, 
Swinging sixties, Novus Ordo, 
Liberal and progressive,
Liberal and progressive modern Mass!
   
Sing Alleluia! 
Ch-ch!

Reading Francis through Eccles

Pope Francis has a habit of making off-the-cuff remarks, some of which are misreported, mistranslated, misunderstood, or simply too profound to be understood immediately. As a service to our long-suffering readers, we present a cut-out-and-throw-away guide to some of the Holy Father's alleged obiter dicta.

That's a fine Pinocchio puppet. May we borrow it for the Good Friday Mass in Rome?

Eccles writes: Pope Francis is known for his courtesy. Rather than telling people to stop patronizing God and dumbing down his worship, he uses a gently ironic tone. The priest to whom these words were spoken is now a dyed-in-the-wool traditionalist, who offers the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, replacing Pinocchio with a large Pius X puppet.

How nice to see you, President Hollande. I am a great admirer of yours.

In fact, what the Pope said was, "Thou hast had five mistresses: and she whom thou now hast is not thy wife, either, you dirty old man (John 4:18). Oh, and you can drop that stupid same-sex marriage nonsense too." As a result, President Hollande has vowed to lead a much better life, and is now training as a Catholic priest (fortunately, he has never married).

Will someone do something about that bloody crow?

Almost certainly, Pope Francis said nothing of the sort. We believe he said, "As St Francis did, I love all God's creatures. Although, to be fair, it is sometimes hard to love mosquitoes."

Self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians? Arentchasickofem?

Pope Francis's words were in fact a little more nuanced. "Who am I to judge if people sincerely wish to practise neo-pelagianism? Of course I prefer them to do so in a non-Promethean way, if at all possible. And if they insist on being self-absorbed as well, then perhaps they should think again about the possible implications of their practices."

The ancient liturgy is just a fashion.

Of course no Pope would ever make a derogatory comment about the Latin Mass, given that its importance was stressed at the Vatican II council, and the fact that Catholics throughout the ages have treasured its beauty, richness, and holiness. Clearly, the Holy Father was simply trying to be "nice" to a group of Latin-hating Czechs, including the notorious Basil Lovtuš, Pavel Invód, and representatives of the infamous Bíttapil newspaper.

Saint of the week

In the beginning was the wood.

St Pinocchio is venerated in many South American churches.

Pinocchio is an unusual saint, having originally been constructed as a wooden puppet. His life is well documented in Carlo Collodi's biography, but his main claim to fame is the story of his nose. As Pope Francis explained in his sermon on St Pinocchio's day: "The nose of St Pinocchio is a lesson to all of us. It grew in length whenever he told lies, thus teaching him the Christian virtues of truth and honesty."

Pinocchio, before he became human (and saved).

Knowing that the new Holy Father looks favourably on the representation of St Pinocchio at Mass, many traditionalist parishes - such as Our Lady of the Rosary in Blackfen, the Church of Our Saviour in New York City, and Santissima Trinità dei Pellegrini in Rome - are expecting to employ giant dolls as an aid to worship in the near future.

The Brompton Oratory - when will we see Pinocchio puppets at Solemn High Mass?

St Pinocchio himself later became human - indeed, the wood became flesh, as St John almost put it. The circumstances of his eventual death are unclear, and some versions of the legend state that "he lived happily ever after." In that case he is still around somewhere, perhaps even writing a blog.

Other religious figures seen at High Mass (note Melvyn Bragg behind Our Lord).