The top eight saints

We started the World Cup of post-Biblical saints with 96 fairly good saints, and are now down to the 8 very good ones who have made it through to the quarter-finals. This post will give you the results as they come in. First, the contestants, with links to Wikipedia biographies.

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Benedict of Nursia, 480-547, Rule of St Benedict.

Maximilian Kolbe, 1894-1941, martyr at Auschwitz.

Teresa of Ávila, 1515-1582, nun, Doctor of the Church.

Thérèse of Lisieux, 1873-1897, little flower, Carmelite.

Thomas More, 1478-1535, man for all seasons.

Augustine of Hippo, 354-430, Doctor of the Church.

Francis of Assisi, 1181-1226, founded the Franciscans.

St Thomas Aquinas, 1225-1274, Doctor of the Church.

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QUARTER-FINAL RESULTS

Benedict of Nursia 65.0 v Maximilian Kolbe 35.0

Teresa of Ávila 54.9 v Thérèse of Lisieux 45.1

Thomas More 28.0 v Augustine of Hippo 72.0

Francis of Assisi 23.3 v Thomas Aquinas 76.7

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SEMI-FINALS

Benedict of Nursia 37.6 v Thomas Aquinas 62.4

Teresa of Ávila 26.8 v Augustine of Hippo 73.2

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Benedict of Nursia 61.9 v Teresa of Ávila 38.1

BRONZE medal for Benedict!

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FINAL

Thomas Aquinas 61.4 v Augustine of Hippo 38.6

GOLD MEDAL for Thomas Aquinas, SILVER for Augustine of Hippo!

Reading Francis through Eccles

Pope Francis has a habit of making off-the-cuff remarks, some of which are misreported, mistranslated, misunderstood, or simply too profound to be understood immediately. As a service to our long-suffering readers, we present a cut-out-and-throw-away guide to some of the Holy Father's alleged obiter dicta.

That's a fine Pinocchio puppet. May we borrow it for the Good Friday Mass in Rome?

Eccles writes: Pope Francis is known for his courtesy. Rather than telling people to stop patronizing God and dumbing down his worship, he uses a gently ironic tone. The priest to whom these words were spoken is now a dyed-in-the-wool traditionalist, who offers the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, replacing Pinocchio with a large Pius X puppet.

How nice to see you, President Hollande. I am a great admirer of yours.

In fact, what the Pope said was, "Thou hast had five mistresses: and she whom thou now hast is not thy wife, either, you dirty old man (John 4:18). Oh, and you can drop that stupid same-sex marriage nonsense too." As a result, President Hollande has vowed to lead a much better life, and is now training as a Catholic priest (fortunately, he has never married).

Will someone do something about that bloody crow?

Almost certainly, Pope Francis said nothing of the sort. We believe he said, "As St Francis did, I love all God's creatures. Although, to be fair, it is sometimes hard to love mosquitoes."

Self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians? Arentchasickofem?

Pope Francis's words were in fact a little more nuanced. "Who am I to judge if people sincerely wish to practise neo-pelagianism? Of course I prefer them to do so in a non-Promethean way, if at all possible. And if they insist on being self-absorbed as well, then perhaps they should think again about the possible implications of their practices."

The ancient liturgy is just a fashion.

Of course no Pope would ever make a derogatory comment about the Latin Mass, given that its importance was stressed at the Vatican II council, and the fact that Catholics throughout the ages have treasured its beauty, richness, and holiness. Clearly, the Holy Father was simply trying to be "nice" to a group of Latin-hating Czechs, including the notorious Basil Lovtuš, Pavel Invód, and representatives of the infamous Bíttapil newspaper.

Bishop accused of a luxury lifestyle

The main news item on the BBC, and elsewhere, today has been the case of the German Catholic bishop, Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, who has apparently been suspended for living a luxurious lifestyle, considered inappropriate by the new St Francis-inspired Church.

The bishop: note the expensive painting, when a photo of his cat would have been more suitable.

In vain did the bishop offer to accept a cheaper lifestyle, by selling off the more lavish parts of his name (a Peter Tebartz van, low mileage) and calling himself simply Franz Elst.

The Pope's favourite painting in the Vatican museum.

Other bishops may also expect trouble. For example, Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster, lives in expensive accommodation in central London, and he has been advised that it would be better if he lived in a bedsit in Tower Hamlets and walked in to work every day. Excuses that "it's handy for my Cathedral" are just unacceptable in this day and age.

Kieran Conry oversees the construction of a new "Pease Pottage Stately Pleasure-Dome".

Meanwhile, the Anglicans were similarly embarrassed, after it was revealed that their supreme governor, Mrs Elizabeth Mountbatten-Windsor, 87, was living in a luxury palace in London. However, it turns out that apart from her religious duties, she has a part-time job ruling the UK - and various other countries - and so the "Anglican in the pew" does not pay directly for her lavish lifestyle.

Pope Francis himself is interested in demonstrating his fidelity to the spirit of his mentor, St Francis the First, by cutting out all luxury and living on crusts of bread and any kitty-kill that the Vatican cats bring in. So far his experienced adviser, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, has dissuaded him from doing this, not least because he himself doesn't fancy joining the Pope in a diet of vole sandwiches.

Pope Francis exchanges his costly zucchetto for a simple helmet.

Eccles interviews Pope Francis

It is with great pleasure that we print an interview with Pope Francis, "The Pope whom nobody understands," in which we ask his views on a range of fundamental questions.

Eccles: Welcome, Holy Father. We are honoured to have you here today. I hope you will be frank with us, as we explore some controversial issues.

F: Well "Francis" is more usual, but I'm happy to be "Frank" if you wish.

Francis of Assisi, an inspiration to the Pope.

E: Er, excellent. Now, many people are still trying to decide, "Who exactly is Jorge Mario Bergoglio?"

F: A good question, Eccles, and we should not attempt to find an easy answer to it. Clearly, I am not Diego Maradona, even though I see the Hand of God in all things. But then nor am I Pope Benedict. I am reminded here of the motto of a countryman of mine, the Argentine poet Fray Bentos: "succulent and satisfying".

Argentine wisdom.

E: Yes, well I'm sure that commentators will wish to argue over these words for many days, to see whether they are a radical departure from orthodox Catholicism, and maybe a sop to Hans Küng. Let's try something less controversial. What is your favourite colour?

F: This is an issue with which Catholics seem to be obsessed. Green is a colour. Red is a colour. But you would not say that custard was a colour.

E: Isn't custard yellow?

F: Not if it's blue.

However, the Holy Father still left my question unanswered.

E: Let's try another question. Now, I know that infallibility doesn't work that way, but tell me, will it rain tomorrow?

F: I often think of the words of your poet Shakespeare, "The rain, it raineth every day," as well as Damian Lundy's "Rain rain, go away, come again another day." Still, unless Catholics also remember Bernadette Farrell's "The sun has got his hat on and is coming out to play!" they are not ready to face the challenges of the modern world.

E: Thank you very much, Holy Father. Do we have time for one final question?

F: No man knoweth the hour, Eccles. But I think I may give you a definite answer here. We may have time, or we may not have time, but time will continue to exist, regardless. Unless it doesn't.

E: Right. My last question is: Are you going to excommunicate those dreadful rebels at ACTA?

But this question was not to be answered. The Pope smiled enigmatically at me, and I was left to wonder whether he meant "yes" or "no" or, more probably, a definite "maybe".

A tasteless caricature of Ann Lardeur of ACTA.

Hans Küng writes for the Tablet

We are honoured to be able to print excerpts from Hans Küng's article Don't let spring turn to winter, as published in that well-known organ of dissent, the Tablet.

Hans Küng shocks Catherine Pepinster with the news that the Pope is a papist.

When Jorge Bergoglio took the name Francis as Pope, he did something no pontiff has done before: put himself in the historical tradition of St Francis of Assisi, a simple man who despised Catholic traditions and promoted divorce, abortion and homosexuality. As I wrote in my famous book Pope Benedict ate my hamster, the Catholic church needs to look at some of the key Biblical figures, such as Jezebel, Belshazzar and Herod, and ask itself why it no longer follows in their footsteps.

Belshazzar's Feast - surely this is what the Mass should really be like?

When the men in white coats came for me on my eighty-fifth birthday, they carried me and my life-sized statue into a dark room in the Tübingen Infirmary, and said, "Hans, just relax; you can stop worrying about Pope Benedict, he's resigned." For me a new spring had dawned, tra-la, and the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la, promised a summer of roses and wine.

It is astonishing for me to see how Pope Francis has taken a different path from his predecessor. For him, no sugar in his coffee, only a black-and-white television set, brown shoes rather than red ones, and a cassock in need of darning.

The sock of Pope Francis - a truly holey man.

Francis is a Pope who demonstrates that he is a man with his feet on the ground - unlike the chap I won't mention who refused to restore my permission to teach Catholic theology. (Which is why I was forced to send this article to the Tablet rather than a Catholic newspaper!)

So the advent of Pope Francis signals a time for reform. I have already sent him my 96-point plan, written in the finest green ink, outlining our expectations for a total change of doctrine on euthanasia, the ordination of women, birth control, murder, adultery, theft, bearing false witness, and so on. If he doesn't respond, then he knows what to expect - a new book called Pope Francis - spawn of Satan, which will subtly express my disagreement with him on some matters of doctrine.

Time for your nap, now, Hans. You can write another book when you wake up.

Dr Hans Küng is honorary president of the Pan-Galactic Ethics Foundation. His most recent book, 200 ways to annoy a retired Pope is published by the Heresy Press.