Saint of the Week - St Antony of Spadaro

St Antony of Spadaro is a much-loved saint, and in many ways the opposite of his namesake St Antony of Padua. When people wish to lose objects - or even to pretend they never existed - they pray to St Antony of Spadaro, and if their prayers are answered, then the embarrassing items disappear and can be totally ignored.

A truly holy man.

A grateful customer, J. Bergoglio of Rome, writes:

I was severely embarrassed when four cardinals wrote a letter to me containing a list of five "Dubia", or embarrassing questions about Amoris Laetitia. However, I prayed to St Antony of Spadaro, and the letter miraculously disappeared as if it had never existed, and I was able to ignore it!

See! All your doubts have disappeared! Just like that!

Since the letter from the four cardinals clearly never existed, we can only speculate what the five Dubia might have been, but here are some likely guesses:

1. Are you still a Catholic?

2. We know you didn't write Amoris Laetitia, but have you actually read it?

3. Is a person in a three-way marriage involving one man and two women, who has murdered a previous wife, who keeps a sex slave in his cellar, and and who is now contemplating a "sex-change", while at the same time feeling an unhealthy attraction to his goldfish, allowed to take communion?

4. Can Jesuits be saved?

5. As cardinals we feel it is our duty to advise you, so will you please take our advice and put Cardinal Kasper in a padded cell?

"Just like that!" A devotee of St Antony of Spadaro attempts to make things vanish.

Another grateful customer, L. Baldisseri of Rome, writes:

Last year we held a synod whose purpose was to think of new ways of undermining family life. However, it was nearly sabotaged when five cardinals produced a book explaining Christian doctrine - which, we all realise, was made obsolete in the 1960s. They attempted to post their book to participants at the synod. However, I prayed to St Antony of Spadaro, and the books miraculously disappeared from the Vatican postal system (Cardinal Pat, with his black and white cat), never to be seen again! Thank you, oh thank you, St Antony of Spadaro!

Cardinal Pat of the Vatican postal service.

Saint of the Week - St Libby

St Libidina ("Libby") Lane of Stockport was a twenty-first century Anglican saint, known for bringing Christianity to the sexist, misogynist, pagan lands of Stockport.

St Libidina of Stockport.

Such was her piety that St Libby was described by the legendary Archbishop Sentamu (a man of such exalted station that he was outranked only by Archbishop Welby, Queen Elizabeth II and God - and even then, only just) as "following in the footsteps of St Margaret Clitherow."

"Actually, I meant to say Jimmy Clitheroe, but nobody noticed."

St Margaret Clitherow was a Catholic Saint who was martyred in 1586 by being crushed with rocks (this was in the reign of Good Queen Bess, and was part of her policy of "tolerance towards Catholics"). St Libidina, on the other hand, suffered far greater woes, as she saw a succession of useless no-hopers appointed to the job of bishop - this is also a Catholic tradition - while she was sent out to make the tea and do the washing-up. Was she never to wear the coveted hat of a bishop?

St Margaret Clitherow - her martyrdom was considered a "luxury" by Yorkshiremen.

Of course traditions in the two churches do differ. The Catholics are forced to follow in the sexist footsteps of Jesus Christ, a man who never said anything significant about equality and diversity, women's issues, or the right to wear Babylonian fish hats. The Anglicans, on the other hand, take their lead from Henry VIII, a man who married six times and fully knew how to give a girl a good time (at least for a while).

The latest in bishop's mitres.

The day of St Libidina's fast-track consecration/ ordination/ promotion/ redeployment to an executive role in Anglico was itself full of drama. As the Archbishop read out the traditional words "Does any sexist mail chauvinist pig know any just cause or impediment why this girl may not be given a key to the bishops' washroom?" there came a cry of "Put a sock in it, Sentamu!" Nonetheless, a miracle occurred, and Archbishop Sentamu managed to achieve something that Christ Himself would never have dared to do. Yes, St Libidina had made it to the Board of Directors!

Saint of the Week - St Martin McGuinness

When parents christen their baby James Martin Pacelli McGuinness - note the Pacelli after Pope Pius XII - you can be sure that he will grow up to be a pious Catholic, destined for rapid canonization. Admittedly he may have been a bit of a handful as a child - there are stories told of his tarring and feathering his teddy-bear, kneecapping his golliwog, and attempting to bury his Humpty Dumpty doll in an unmarked grave - but we knew that he would grow out of such childish habits. By the way, there is no truth in the story that his pet kitten was blown up by semtex to punish it for bringing in a dead mouse.

Pacelli? Why didn't the parents choose Al Capone, Don Corleone or Sinatra?

After a distinguished political career, Martin rose to be the deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland. His was the voice of Catholicism, in contrast to the nasty Protestants led by Ian Paisley. Indeed, many believed that a holy man like Martin would become a priest, perhaps something like Fr Tony Flannery; maybe he would even rise to be a distinguished archbishop like Seán Brady. The Catholic Church in Ireland had never had it so good.

Fathers Paisley and McGuinness enjoy an ecumenical joke together.

Eventually Martin, who had been MP for mid-Ulster, left the British House of Commons. To do this he had to apply for either the Stewardship of the Chiltern Hundreds, or the Stewardship of the Manor of Northstead. He chose the latter, and the good people of Northstead were indeed blessed by several weeks' just stewardship with hardly anybody being murdered. Since Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley have also held this stewardship at various times, this remote part of Yorkshire is rapidly becoming a place of pilgrimage.

Lourdes? No, simply the gardens of the Manor of Northstead.

St Martin is in the news again now, for he has announced a change in the Catholic doctrine on abortion. From now on, it's OK to kill Catholics in the womb, as - for some people - it's always been OK to kill Protestants outside the womb. "I try and be the best Catholic I can be," says Martin, and who can doubt that he has always been the best Catholic he could ever be? After all, Hitler was a pious Catholic, as atheists never stop telling us, and Martin is no less a saint.

Explaining to Archbishop Eamon Martin what the new rules are.

So please give us no more talk about Martin McGuinness being excommunicated. Rather let us talk of this saintly man being swept up to Heaven with a blaze of trumpets. Alleluia!

© Extreme Loony Socialist Party of Ireland.

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On another topic, here's some moral instruction:

Thomas De Quincey's thought for the day.

Saint of the week

In the beginning was the wood.

St Pinocchio is venerated in many South American churches.

Pinocchio is an unusual saint, having originally been constructed as a wooden puppet. His life is well documented in Carlo Collodi's biography, but his main claim to fame is the story of his nose. As Pope Francis explained in his sermon on St Pinocchio's day: "The nose of St Pinocchio is a lesson to all of us. It grew in length whenever he told lies, thus teaching him the Christian virtues of truth and honesty."

Pinocchio, before he became human (and saved).

Knowing that the new Holy Father looks favourably on the representation of St Pinocchio at Mass, many traditionalist parishes - such as Our Lady of the Rosary in Blackfen, the Church of Our Saviour in New York City, and Santissima Trinità dei Pellegrini in Rome - are expecting to employ giant dolls as an aid to worship in the near future.

The Brompton Oratory - when will we see Pinocchio puppets at Solemn High Mass?

St Pinocchio himself later became human - indeed, the wood became flesh, as St John almost put it. The circumstances of his eventual death are unclear, and some versions of the legend state that "he lived happily ever after." In that case he is still around somewhere, perhaps even writing a blog.

Other religious figures seen at High Mass (note Melvyn Bragg behind Our Lord).

Saint of the Week

St Damian the Obscure.

A member of the order of St Custard, St Damian is another medieval saint about whom many astounding legends have grown up.

Damian is believed to have come from humble stock, his ancestors having been ferret-farmers near Reading. Damian himself was a learned man, and was sent to Oxenford to study for a degree in HHT (History, Hairdressing and Theology), the most prestigious degree offered at that time.

Father Sidney James, Damian's tutor in theology and hairdressing.

In those days Damian was something of a lady's man, breaking the hearts of many virtuous maidens who came his way. However, he resolved to devote himself to God, and in particular the maintenance of traditional Catholic values.

Cristina Odone - after meeting Damian she devoted her life to good works.

At that time the Council of Trent was meeting, and Damian - a traditionalist who adhered to the Sarum Rite - was anxious to fight its modernist tendencies with all the powers at his disposal. Indeed, his polemics brought him to the attention of Cardinal Murphy, who attempted unsuccessfully to procure his excommunication.

Cardinal Murphy admits defeat.

In his later years, Damian took a less active part in church politics, although he maintained a pious and virtuous life; his contemporaries noted that he was a master of the German art of Schadenfreude, and that his enemies were invariably cast down. For example, the miraculous downfall of Christopher the Hun is generally attributed to the intervention of St Damian.

Conclusive proof that Christopher the Hun was not driving his chariot.

Damian's final years were spent in madness. Each week he sent out a deranged letter to his disciples, written in green ink, in which he discussed random topics such as cummerbunds, hairdressers and custard, but nobody could bear to read them. He eventually succumbed to a surfeit of cupcakes.

Prayer to St Damian: O blessed St Damian, who saved the Church in its hour of peril, intercede for us, that we may be blessed with a good head of hair, that we may avoid unseemly fatness, and that we may avoid all forms of addiction. Help us to write, as thou didst write, even when we have nothing to say. Amen.

Saint of the Week

I should explain this posting. The Editor of the Telegraph e-mailed me saying "Dear Eccles, Custard is the New Olympics. Write me 250 words about custard by Friday, or I'll have to ask Damian Thompson." Since this is a religious blog, I have interpreted his request as best I can, in the hope that readers will obtain spiritual nourishment from the life of St Custard.

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The Temptation of St Custard, by Searle

This Week's Saint is St Custard (c.1390-c.1450), a celebrated Englishman (in France he is known as "La Crème Anglaise" or "La Crème de la Crème"), about whom little is known. It is believed that Custard was a hermit, who lived on a simple diet of eggs and milk. The story goes that he was once tempted by a demon in the guise of a loose woman ("the legend of Custard and the tart"), but he drove her away by throwing a bowl full of eggs and milk at her. This event is commemorated annually, by members of the Order of Custard (OC).

A pious worshipper bows his head in a St Custard's Day ceremony

Custard's saintliness and holiness could have only one consequence in the Middle Ages - he was burnt to death (the origin of the expression "Crème Brûlée").

Puddington: believed to be the site of the martyrdom of St Custard

Prayer to St Custard: O glorious St Custard, who in thy day wast said to have a nature full of the milk of human kindness; may we be granted thy virtues of sweetness and lightness, so that if in the end we obtain our just deserts they will at least be palatable unto us. Amen.