Pope John-Paul II and his women

A special report by Ed Satan, presenter of Radio 4's prestigious religion and ethics programme, "Soaraway Sun Day".

The Only Way is Ethics.

There is no actual evidence that Pope John-Paul II, a figure remembered by some Catholics, was the Casanova of the 20th century, with a string of mistresses, illegitimate children and bigamous marriages, but, using the techniques of innuendo, misinterpretation and scandal-mongering - or investigative journalism, as it is technically known - we are forced to come to this conclusion.

Even in his childhood years, Karol (an alias that John-Paul was probably using for the purposes of deception) was known to be fond of a Polish schoolteacher called Emilia Kaczorowska, who died when he was eight years old. Affectionately, he would call her "Mamma", and he would often tell her he loved her, and give her gifts on her birthday. Pretty shocking stuff, you'll agree, especially as she was 36 years older and already married to a man called Wojtyła.

The mysterious Emilia Kaczorowska.

Later, the young John-Paul became a devoutly religious Catholic. Of course, this can take many forms: for example, I know of one pious Catholic - technically, I suppose he's a sinner, ha-ha - who left his wife and three children and ran off with another woman. It would be wrong of us to judge such a person, especially as he now presents a BBC flagship programme on religion and ethics.

In John-Paul's case his Catholic faith was combined with a mysterious devotion to a woman known only as "Mary". The young priest would keep statues of this woman in his house, and even write adoring letters to her (I have in my possession one that begins "Hail Mary, full of Grace", unearthed by the brilliant John Cornwell, author of Don't be so hard on Hitler, it was all Pius XII's fault).

We have not been able to make a definite identification of "Mary", although she is believed to have been a Jewish woman with strong Christian sympathies. Well, that's a reasonable assumption.

The unknown Mary.

When it comes to Anna-Teresa Tymieniecka, a philosopher, we are on surer ground. Indeed, we have definite evidence that John-Paul II spoke to her, even when he was Pope. This would be the first time that a reigning pope had spoken to a woman since Pope Pius X asked his tea-lady for an extra biscuit in 1910. At the time this was considered a great scandal, and it led inexorably to World War I a few years later.

Now, unfortunately, we have no evidence that John-Paul was in love with Anna-Teresa, nor she with him, but the journalistic techniques of innuendo and creative writing lead us to the inescapable conclusion that they had a torrid love affair and that she was the mother of sixteen of his children.

We have seen his letters to her, which, couched in the language of philosophy, make damaging reflections such as "It's a funny old world," "There's nowt so queer as folk" and "You never can tell, can you?" What can these be but a coded way of expressing his deep passion for her?

Scandalous photo of Pope John-Paul in a compromising situation.

I repeat, there is no evidence whatsoever that Pope John-Paul broke his vows of celibacy, However, as the Gospel puts it, "There's no smoke without fire," especially when I'm the one making all the smoke. Don't get me wrong - I'm not condemning "The Sexy Pope" - after all if Christ had one message for the world, it was that there is no such thing as sin. But the whole issue should embarrass the Catholic Church, and force it to realise that Good and Evil are equally valid lifestyles. Which suits me fine.

Christians and antisocial media

Deacon Tommy, the most miserable man on the Internet, explains how social media brought him friendship.

Could this be the real @pontifex?

It's no secret that I am a keen user of Twitter, which is a wonderful vehicle for insulting and upsetting people. In particular, I find that anonymous Twitter profiles raise my blood pressure. Of course I don't often throw bricks through the windows of other tweeters, or make trouble with their employers, but it is something I would like to be able to do if push came to shove. But now I have relented, and this is due to an anonymous profile that goes by the name of @pontifex (for those whose Latin is as bad as mine, this means Bridge-Builder, so I naturally assumed that he was some kind of civil engineer).

The wobbly bridge - a clue to the identity of @pontifex?

This @pontifex uttered a Tweet that was sent on to me: Dear friends, please pray for me during my pilgrimage to the Holy Land. Naturally, I gave him the usual treatment: I sent him a nasty message, and blocked him on Twitter. I have a friend who is an IT expert, and he managed to track down @pontifex to the Vatican; after a bit more snooping we had the confidence to send the following to @pontifex: Hello, @pontifex, or should I call you Giuseppe Melchiorre Sarto? Does your employer know you Tweet in office hours?

My Archbishop, Smiffy, and others from the CBCEW, trying to work out what they think of civil partnerships.

However, @pontifex was fully understanding, and his kindness and charity moved me to tears. Yes, it really did. Or it may have been the onions in the shed where I do my antisocial media stuff. @pontifex said that he'd heard about me, and he was going to offer prayers on my behalf. Being a humble person, he lives in a shed as well, so there is a bond between us.

The humble shed in which @pontifex lives.

Actually, I think @pontifex had come across my blog "Catholic Vizzes", where I make witty personal attacks on priests, members of Catholic Voices, and anyone else who is more popular than I. Maybe I shouldn't mention this, but a certain bishop to the west of the Pennines told me that he wished his own deacons could be as charming and restrained as I am!

So in my general crusade for peace, I have decided to accept that @Pontifex is (nearly) as good a Catholic as I am, and my latest theory is that he is Br George Pontifex, a monk from Cambridge. Still, I gather that he also uses a "sockpuppet" title, Pope Francis, and this definitely not the name he was born with!

Deacon Tommy (with help from Agatha Christie) gets the measure of Eccles.

Cornwell cut off by a flood

Following a flood of hostile criticism, it has been announced that John Cornwell, whose work is sometimes known as "Hitler's Pap", is now completely cut off from reality.

N.B. The picture shows Nuncio Pacelli in 1927. Hitler was out.

Efforts are being made to bail out Cornwell, but the tide is definitely flowing against him, and it may be months before he can get back on the rails; at present he is completely off-track. The latest deluge to hit Cornwell is attributed by some to a change in the climate of opinion; by others, to a natural downfall.

Pope St Pius X - next for a hatchet job.

Amusingly described, variously, as a "Catholic", "historian" and "theologian", Cornwell has now been declared a complete disaster. His latest work, "The Dark Box" explains how Pope St Pius X encouraged children to go to confession; what a fiend that man was!

Naturally, the government and the environment agency are very concerned about the plight of Cornwell. Part of the problem is the collapse of the anti-Catholic line taken by Richard Dawlish, which has always looked to be on rather shaky foundations, and may not be worth trying to save.

Eric Pickles discusses the plight of Cornwell.

Surprisingly, the general public is not worried about "losing" Cornwell. Said one sockpuppet that we interviewed: "Where would we be without Cornish Nasties and Clottish Dreams? But Cornwell is too remote from reality to be worth worrying about."

Bishop Williamson founds SS

Bishop Richard Williamson, expelled from the SSPX, today announced the formation of an entirely new religious group, to be called simply "SS."

Bishop Williamson.

"SS" stands for "Society of Saints," although at the moment its membership is cautiously estimated to be approximately 1. When it was pointed out that "SS" was an unfortunate name for his new society, sharing as it does the same brand name as the notorious Schutzstaffel, Bishop Williamson replied "I don't understand what you're talking about. It's only 1912, isn't it? Himmler isn't due to come to power for another 17 years."

Bishop Williamson is furious at his rejection by the SSPX, and added, "I shall be appealing directly to Pope Pius X over this matter." It was pointed out to him that Pius X died in 1914, but he replied "You may believe that, but I tell you it's just a modernist heresy."

Pope St Pius X - expecting a stiff letter of complaint from Williamson.

For a long time, SSPX has been severely embarrassed by the activities of Bishop Williamson. They were hoping to encourage him to retire to Southend-on-Sea, where he could at least use an SS postcode without offending people: as Bishop Bernard Fellay put it: "I would say that Williamson is way beyond Barking."

Barking - Williamson is way beyond this.

Bishop Williamson has expressed himself unhappy with some of the doctrinal theories generally accepted by mainstream SSPX members, whatever their other differences with the Vatican. In particular he is unhappy with the idea that women should be allowed to attend church, or indeed to talk to men in public. "I would have been horrified to think that my own mother was a woman," he said. "I am sure that she was really a man." Bishop Williamson's latest book Virgo Maria - vir aut mulier? takes a whole new look at the mysteries of Jesus's parentage, and comes to the conclusion that there are no women in Heaven.

A woman, so not saved.

We rang Bishop Williamson again this morning, hoping for further information on his future plans, but he was unavailable for comment, having gone to the doctor's with a slight soreness in his arm, caused by excessive saluting.

De Voyage of St Eccles, Chapter 2

1. So it came to pass dat Eccles and Anti Moly-ben-Dite went to de Pottymouth trane station, for to catch de Indian Pacific trane to Sidney.

2. And de statoinmaster at Pottymouth hardened his heart and said, "Lo! Dis dame is a well-known trubble-maker and she aint gonna go on any of our tranes unless you puts her in a wooden crate."

3. And Moly she was very wrathful, but she knew dat dere was no real chioce, if she wanted to see her beloved, he dat is called Pell.

4. So Eccles he made a crate out of de finest gopher wood. Lo, it was 4 cubits long, and nearly 2 cubits wide and 2 cubits deep. And in it he placed his beloved ant, together wiv a supply of de finest liqours and a wondrous engine called an iTroll, wot is able to send forth insullts to bloggs on de Internnet.

5. And de Pottymouth stationmaster hardened his heart and said, "Peradventure we shuold also handcuff and gag de old biddy? For she will scream 'woful!' in de nihgt, when de honest man sleepeth."

6. But Eccles he pointed out dat de regullatoins for transportin livestock on de trane said dat dey must not be creul to de animules. So it came to pass dat he buoght himself a Saver ticket (for he was Saved) and he placed his beloved anti in de gaurd's van.

7. And Anti Moly spake forth wiv her iTroll, sayin, "WOFL, WOFL, WOFL. I has got an Easter message for all traddy fanatical Cathlics. Easter is a time for buying chockolate eggs and smashin dem over de heads of sockpoppets. It aint got no uvver purpoise."

8. But de Internett connectoin faileth, and her vioce cryeth out in de wilderness, "WOFL" and no man heareth de Easter message of Anti Moly.

9. Thus dey came to Sidney, a city of great baeuty and cullture, where dey hath an opera house and signeth all de famuous operas, such as "De Barber of Pottymouth," by Micki Rossini, and "Gotterdamian," abuot de Twillight of de Bloggs.

10. So dey released Anti Moly from her wooden box, and she walked in de streets wiv Eccles, her saved nehpew, wot is loved by de Lord and gets Vallentine cards from Him (althuogh some saith dat it was a practical joke played by his creul bruvver Bosco).

11. And dey meets a Momron, who saith "G'day, yuong man. We has a projject to bapptise all de dead poeple wot can't say no. But we also bapptises people wot is old and decreppit, so maybe de old skellington lady wot walks wiv you wuold like to be bapptised?"

12. "Whom hath thou bapptised recently?" asks Eccles.

13. "We has done Gahndi, Buhdda, Mahommed, Atilla de Hun and Pop Pious X. Dey is now all good Momrons," saith de Momron, "but dey doesnt ware de magic undies like we does, of cuorse."

Dat's a pitcher of Gahndi, wot is now a Momron

14. And he spake the name of de magic undies; that is, de Abracada Bra, de Wonderbra and so on.

15.  But Anti Moly saith that she hath no wish to be bapptised, and they moved on in deir quest for de Cradinal known as Pell.

16. So dey came in due course to de Cathlic Cathedral of Sidney, wot is called St Mary's.

17. And dey saw dat de Easter Viggil Mass was gonna be cellebrated by Cradinal Goerge Pell, who got de job of carryin de Easter Candel into de Cathedral. Probabbly he gonna kiss it, as dat's wot Cathlics doth.

18. "We gonna attend dat!" shreiketh Anti Moly in glee, and she began to make her plans.

Here endeth de seckond chapter of de story of Eccles's voyage to Sidney.

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Concluded here.