Britain is going to Hell, so let's help it along, says report

After two years of detailed analysis, a fancy commission, chaired by the retired judge Baroness Butler-Sloss, has noticed that, by and large Britain is going to Hell.

However, the brilliant Butler-Sloss team (including Rowan Williams, the former Archbishop of Canterbury) has found the solution: help it on its way!

Who produced this criminally stupid report?

* Kids aren't learning about Christianity? Then make sure they are taught less and less about Christianity!

* We are overwhelmed by people who, although they are not Muslims, bruv, do like killing people while shouting "Allahu Akbar!"? Then let's ask ISIS to send us more of the same, introduce Sharia law, and force all women to wear burkas!

* Faith schools are vaguely religious? Close them down, we can't have some people believing different things from others! We know how good bad Diversity is!

* Thought for the Day is watered down so much that it's hard to find any religious content? Then let's introduce some specifically non-religious thoughts for the day! Perhaps Richard Dawkins with his "abort the Downs kids"? Or Polly Toynbee?

The new-look Thought for the Day

* People aren't going to church? Then extend Sunday trading and make it more difficult for people to go to church!

* Our churches are led by a bunch of self-serving weeds who don't really believe in God? Then let's appoint some specifically secular bishops!

* Marriage and the family are being totally undermined? Then let's destroy marriage and the family by allowing people to marry their uncles, aunts, household pets and washing machines!

A washing-machine gives birth to a baby. Note that it emerges fully clothed.

The Butler-Sloss approach to "fixing broken Britain" obviously has many applications in everyday life.

My car has a puncture. Have you thought about sticking needles into the tyres?

My house is flooded as a result of the recent rains. We recommend turning on a few taps and emptying some bottles of water over the floor.

"It's not working. We need more water!"

There is a famous retired judge who, every time she says something, makes me want to bite the carpet. Why not get her to chair a commission, so that she has the opportunity to make her views more widely known? Meanwhile, make sure you stock up on carpets!

Yes, that seems to be the answer.

Cornwell cut off by a flood

Following a flood of hostile criticism, it has been announced that John Cornwell, whose work is sometimes known as "Hitler's Pap", is now completely cut off from reality.

N.B. The picture shows Nuncio Pacelli in 1927. Hitler was out.

Efforts are being made to bail out Cornwell, but the tide is definitely flowing against him, and it may be months before he can get back on the rails; at present he is completely off-track. The latest deluge to hit Cornwell is attributed by some to a change in the climate of opinion; by others, to a natural downfall.

Pope St Pius X - next for a hatchet job.

Amusingly described, variously, as a "Catholic", "historian" and "theologian", Cornwell has now been declared a complete disaster. His latest work, "The Dark Box" explains how Pope St Pius X encouraged children to go to confession; what a fiend that man was!

Naturally, the government and the environment agency are very concerned about the plight of Cornwell. Part of the problem is the collapse of the anti-Catholic line taken by Richard Dawlish, which has always looked to be on rather shaky foundations, and may not be worth trying to save.

Eric Pickles discusses the plight of Cornwell.

Surprisingly, the general public is not worried about "losing" Cornwell. Said one sockpuppet that we interviewed: "Where would we be without Cornish Nasties and Clottish Dreams? But Cornwell is too remote from reality to be worth worrying about."