An unreligious baggage writes about Christmas

A guest post from Apollyon Toynbee of the Guardian.

Christmas comes with good cheer. The tragedy is the religious baggage.

I love Christmas! It's the time of year that all we Guardian writers are filled with good cheer, as we migrate to our villas in Tuscany and take part in all the usual traditions. Hot cross buns! Easter eggs! Drinking ourselves sensible!

I watch "It's a pretty rotten life", that movie in which a rich capitalist decides to kill himself, and we all cheer him on. (I turn off before the last bit, which is about a fascist creature called an angel, who stops him.)

I also watch "A Christmas Carol" in a special feminist version in which Ms. Scroogy goes to Bob Snatchit's House and steals all his food becase he is a SEXIST PIG.

No religion in any of these films, you will notice!

Disgusting!

No, it's the attempt by Christians to hijack the event with their nonsense about a baby being born in Nazareth, or wherever it was. Why, they've even hijacked the traditional name "Christmas", deciding to call their imaginary baby "Christ". I haven't gone into this in detail, but it seems that they also worship other imaginary children called East and Pente!

My atheist great-grandfather, Gilbert N. Sullivan, a classical scholar and also president of the humanists, called Christmas “Mithras' birthday”, because Jesus usurped this winter festival from him. (Hang on, Eccles, she really said that!) Of course the shops refused to sell him Mithras' Birthday cards, which just goes to show the level of bigotry in our society.

And don't get me onto the subject of the three "kings" bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh, when - so they tell me - ordinary citizens can't afford these luxuries and have to rely on myrrh banks! I blame Rishi Sunak.

In general, I am very tolerant of religions, provided that they are practised behind closed doors where nobody can see them. (And no cheating by making silent prayers in the streets! My friends in the Police have stocked up with tear gas, rubber bullets and tasers, just in case anyone tries to pray while thinking - or do I mean tries to think while praying?)

The anti-prayer task force has spotted a lady praying silently!

No, at this time of year I show my religious sensitivity by wishing all my Muslim friends a "Happy Hanukkah", since I know that in their gurdwaras they are celebrating that moment - sacred to them at least - when Krishna did whatever it is he did.

Admittedly, they sometimes utter a discreet "Ali Baba!" ("God is great") as they go about their traditional stabbing activities, but we can overlook such solecisms because we all believe in diversity!

Confucius he say "This is brilliant, Polly!"

Christianity is the worst, though. I dug into the Guardian bag of insults and out came "homophobic", "transphobic", "pro-life", "preaching" and "smashing and decapitating a vast statue of Athena". So there we are!

Give me the badly behaved quarrelsome gods of Valhalla, the Greeks and Romans. (Hang on, Eccles, she really said that as well!)

But worst of all, is the fact that organized religion has robbed us of the right to bump off Grandad when he's being a nuisance (The "right to die"). A lot of these do-gooders wear crosses - an instrument of torture - but whenever I suggest to them that I should be allowed to crucify Grandad Gilbert, who has a nasty dose of arthritis, they hurriedly change the subject.

So Christmas comes with good cheer, enjoy it. But know that it also comes with grandparents - I mean, religious baggage - that we should shed!

Will this do? I have recycled some of the best bits from my 2006, 2015, 2019 and 2021 articles on the subject, but there are one or two new bits as well. Apollyon.

From the desk of Katharine Viner (Editor). Not bad, Polly, but couldn't you have mentioned the fact that Christianity was invented by bronze age goatherds like C.S. Lewis (I think it was)? Love, Kathy.

Pope Francis, his friends, and his enemies

All right, the secret is out. One Peter Five reports that I have taken the advice of John Major (as given 25 years ago in Private Eye) and bought myself a little black notebook. On the cover I have written BASE TRADS (later corrected, on Rosica's advice, to BASTARDS), as it contains a list of all the Catholics that I hate, and who must NEVER be promoted.

My hero, John Major. Knew how to deal with rebels.

Page 1 is devoted to one man, Cardinal Burke. The man simply won't go away, no matter how much I insult him. When he comes to visit me, I make him sleep in the dog kennel with Austen Ivereigh, and - such is his obsession with obedience - he obeys me. And he will keep asking me to answer his wretched dubia.

Page 2 has many names of base trads, including Sarah, Müller, etc. Memo, it is time to sack Sarah, he's getting above himself. Keeps referring to the authority of Pope Benedict, as if there hadn't been a change of government since then.

And so on, through the other pages.

Still, I do have friends as well. And they're not all Jesuits, I mean, I even have friends who don't roll up their trouser legs, bare their breasts, and do funny handshakes!

My new friend, the Bishop of Hallam (the one with the shirt on).

Ralph Heskett, the Bishop of Hallam, is my new friend, and I really think I shall make him a cardinal soon. He's very hot on ecumenism, and has been telling people how to venerate pagan deities - Buddha, Zeus, that Hindu chap with lots of arms, Stephen Fry, etc. Nobody is going to call him a rigid neo-pelagian, are they? Of course, Vincent Nichols has been doing that sort of thing for years - how do you think he got promoted?

Incidentally, my friend Jimmy Martin SJ is very keen on Buddha - the walls of his room are plastered with photos of men without shirts on: he tells me they are all pictures of Buddha, and are being used for his LGBT researches. I am not sure what he means by that, exactly, and surely he can tell the difference between Buddha and David Beckham? Strange chap.

It's doctrine, but not as we know it!

The other exciting thing I did this week was to develop some new Catholic doctrine, inspired by the Holy Spirit of Surprises. In fact the Spirit surprised me by making me misread my homily. I was supposed to say that Man was nothing without God, but I actually misspoke and said God was nothing without Man! How we laughed. Still, at least I didn't say it infallibly, although I fancy that I shall be getting another irritating phone call from Cardinal Burke... Memo: should have gone to Specsavers.

Someone calling themselves the Abbot of Hackney (although I don't know what monasteries we have there), has sent me an e-mail offering to give me advice on public appearances, the avoidance of gaffes, etc. He or she has also offered to audit the Vatican accounts. A new friend!

My new friend, the Abbot of Hackney.

At last - the answers to those five dubia

Two months after a group of cardinals sent a letter to Pope Francis with five yes/no questions or "dubia", we have a definite answer from Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ, the pope's key adviser and well-known comic genius.

The pope's fool, er spokesman, Fr Antonio Spadaro.

Now, the old "traddy" answer to the five dubia would have been "NO, YES, YES, YES, YES," but that's not the way that Jesuits answer questions, so we have five rather fuller answers. Just to keep you on your toes, Spadaro the Holy Father has put his answers in a random order.

Q1. It's not easy to discern the answer to this one. Start by asking yourself: are you in Germany? For the answer will be different.

Ve ask ze qvestions!

Q2. Well, yes and no. Or to put it another way, no and yes. Which doesn't mean that I don't have an answer, just that you haven't asked the right question.

Q3. Let me answer this question with another question. Why don't you go away and stop bothering me? You may think Malta is a come-down but remember Napoleon was sent to St Helena. Know what I mean, Ray?

Cardinal Burke reflects on his new appointment.

Q4. It's a definite "maybe" to this one.

Q5. If you answer yes or no, then you deny your own Buddha-nature. However, according to the hermeneutic of confusion, you may answer "Mu". Or, in Italian, "Cosi Cosa".

Your special subject for Mastermind was "Catholic doctrine", and you passed on 5 questions.

I hope that this puts an end to all the unseemly Catholic bickering. Roma locuta est, causa finita est, as my rigid friends would say.

Fr Finigan goes to Margate

The parish of Blogfen is today in deep mourning at the news that its priest, Fr Tim Finigan of the excellent Hermeneutic of Continuity blog is moving to Margate.

Fr Tim Finigan and Fr Sean Finnegan, priest-bloggers par excellence.

The most obvious theory to explain this move is that traditionalist priest-bloggers are like Martello towers, and need to be placed at strategic points round the coast to repel invaders: thus we have Fr Blake in Brighton, Fr Finnegan in Shoreham, and several other reliable people in similar places, such as Fr Marcus Holden in Ramsgate.

The Anglicans considered a similar strategy at Walmington-on-Sea.

Indeed, moving inland we do not seem to find a similar concentration of high-profile traditionally-minded priests - although one well-known blogging deacon has apparently been sent to Coventry by his bishop - so there we are. Q.E.D., as the Latin liturgy has it.

Look inside a Martello tower and you may find a priest.

What's Margate like?

Neither the Bible nor Shakespeare mention Margate, but it does feature in T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land in the section called The Fire Sermon:

On Margate Sands.  
I can connect  
Nothing with nothing.  
The broken finger-nails of dirty hands.  
My people humble people who expect  
Nothing.

The Margate shelter where Eliot wrote The Waste Land (yes, really).

Buddha's original Fire Sermon was not preached at Margate, and it is said that he complained for many years that he had missed an opportunity of sampling the best of British fish and chips, not to mention cockles, mussels and whelks. Without a healthy diet of seafood how can you found a good religion? We know all about Galilee...

Anyway, it just remains to wish well to Fr Finigan, and of course to Blogfen too. Meanwhile, there are always day trips for those suffering from a hermeneutical deficiency...

Special trains on Sunday mornings?

Royal pardon for Thomas Cranmer

Thomas Cranmer, the pioneer of "competing" with the Catholic Church, who was put to death for being an Anglican, has been given a Royal Pardon following a long campaign by his admirers.

Thomas Cranmer - was he unjustly convicted?

Nowadays, of course it is not illegal to be an Anglican - indeed, there are rumours that members of the Royal Family indulge in such practices - although it is still frowned upon in many circles. For example, a man was arrested recently for saying to a mounted police officer "Your horse is Anglican!" However, at the time when Cranmer died, it was still considered to be a serious offence against normal, decent, Catholic society. Cranmer's own history is particularly sad, for at one stage he "swung both ways" and attempted to give up Anglican practices: in the end however he "came out" and paid the price.

Proud to come out as Anglicans!

The Catholic Church has itself been criticised for attempting to compromise with Anglicans. There have been the notorious Warwick Street Masses, where "Anglican patrimony" has been celebrated as a result of Pope Benedict XVI's attempts to bring Anglicans back into the fold. Indeed, Pope Francis also has shocked traditionalists with his "Who am I to judge?" remarks, indicating that Anglicans who attempted to live a Catholic life should only be burned as a last resort.

The Church's Thesis - also a great influence on "competing".

On the whole, however, it is clear that Anglicans are being accepted more and more as "normal" members of society, especially since in many cases they are indistinguishable from ordinary secular people - the days when they would deliberately shock people by attending church services seem to be over for good. In this context, Cranmer's pardon (whether or not he was guilty of Anglicanism) is a natural reaction to a change in public opinion.

Modern ecumenical belief - part Buddhist, part Disney.

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Meanwhile, a Happy Christmas to all readers!

Unfortunately, one of our kings seems to be a little on the tall side.

Was Jesus married?

Prof. Karen King of Harvard University claims to have discovered a 4th century fragment of papyrus proving (as the great theologian Dan Brown claimed a few years ago) that Jesus was definitely married.

An exciting piece of papyrus.

Prof. King's translation of the papyrus is as follows:

And Jesus's mother-in-law scolded Him, saying, "It'll be a miracle if Thou ever makest anything of Thy life, and what's more Thou does not give my daughter enough housekeeping, Thou mayst think two sparrows are sold for a farthing, but in fact good quality sparrows can be as much as a penny each these days, what's more the donkey needs feeding, and Thou hast promised to remove that dried-up fig tree in the garden..."

St Leslie of Dawson.

This is not the first piece of papyrus that refers to Jesus having a wife. For example, there is the fragmentary "Gospel of St Leslie." This contains the famous "Sermon in the pub" in which Jesus is alleged to say "I can always tell when the mother-in-law's coming to stay; the pigs run into the sea." Another saying that Jesus is claimed to have uttered is: "I wouldn't say that my wife was fat but it would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for her to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Most scholars think that the "Gospel of St Leslie" is a forgery. However, our Lord is not the only religious figure who may have had trouble with scolding relatives. For example, it is now generally accepted that Mrs Buddha used to scold her husband for sitting under a Bodhi tree all day long when there was work to be done.

Buddha! We're out of candles. Do something - we need enlightenment.

De Voyage of St Eccles, Chapter 2

1. So it came to pass dat Eccles and Anti Moly-ben-Dite went to de Pottymouth trane station, for to catch de Indian Pacific trane to Sidney.

2. And de statoinmaster at Pottymouth hardened his heart and said, "Lo! Dis dame is a well-known trubble-maker and she aint gonna go on any of our tranes unless you puts her in a wooden crate."

3. And Moly she was very wrathful, but she knew dat dere was no real chioce, if she wanted to see her beloved, he dat is called Pell.

4. So Eccles he made a crate out of de finest gopher wood. Lo, it was 4 cubits long, and nearly 2 cubits wide and 2 cubits deep. And in it he placed his beloved ant, together wiv a supply of de finest liqours and a wondrous engine called an iTroll, wot is able to send forth insullts to bloggs on de Internnet.

5. And de Pottymouth stationmaster hardened his heart and said, "Peradventure we shuold also handcuff and gag de old biddy? For she will scream 'woful!' in de nihgt, when de honest man sleepeth."

6. But Eccles he pointed out dat de regullatoins for transportin livestock on de trane said dat dey must not be creul to de animules. So it came to pass dat he buoght himself a Saver ticket (for he was Saved) and he placed his beloved anti in de gaurd's van.

7. And Anti Moly spake forth wiv her iTroll, sayin, "WOFL, WOFL, WOFL. I has got an Easter message for all traddy fanatical Cathlics. Easter is a time for buying chockolate eggs and smashin dem over de heads of sockpoppets. It aint got no uvver purpoise."

8. But de Internett connectoin faileth, and her vioce cryeth out in de wilderness, "WOFL" and no man heareth de Easter message of Anti Moly.

9. Thus dey came to Sidney, a city of great baeuty and cullture, where dey hath an opera house and signeth all de famuous operas, such as "De Barber of Pottymouth," by Micki Rossini, and "Gotterdamian," abuot de Twillight of de Bloggs.

10. So dey released Anti Moly from her wooden box, and she walked in de streets wiv Eccles, her saved nehpew, wot is loved by de Lord and gets Vallentine cards from Him (althuogh some saith dat it was a practical joke played by his creul bruvver Bosco).

11. And dey meets a Momron, who saith "G'day, yuong man. We has a projject to bapptise all de dead poeple wot can't say no. But we also bapptises people wot is old and decreppit, so maybe de old skellington lady wot walks wiv you wuold like to be bapptised?"

12. "Whom hath thou bapptised recently?" asks Eccles.

13. "We has done Gahndi, Buhdda, Mahommed, Atilla de Hun and Pop Pious X. Dey is now all good Momrons," saith de Momron, "but dey doesnt ware de magic undies like we does, of cuorse."

Dat's a pitcher of Gahndi, wot is now a Momron

14. And he spake the name of de magic undies; that is, de Abracada Bra, de Wonderbra and so on.

15.  But Anti Moly saith that she hath no wish to be bapptised, and they moved on in deir quest for de Cradinal known as Pell.

16. So dey came in due course to de Cathlic Cathedral of Sidney, wot is called St Mary's.

17. And dey saw dat de Easter Viggil Mass was gonna be cellebrated by Cradinal Goerge Pell, who got de job of carryin de Easter Candel into de Cathedral. Probabbly he gonna kiss it, as dat's wot Cathlics doth.

18. "We gonna attend dat!" shreiketh Anti Moly in glee, and she began to make her plans.

Here endeth de seckond chapter of de story of Eccles's voyage to Sidney.

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Concluded here.

Damain Thopmson in Lost Angels

I has editted together de postins I made about Damain's visit to us in May, just before I started dis blogg, since dey may be new to some readers who wants to learn how to be saved like Bosco and me.

Hello dere Damain Thopmson and welcome to Lost Angels on behalf of me and my darlin bruvver Bosco, who will be along in a minnit when we hav stopped him chasin a mouse round de room - dem anti-Catlick tabblets aint doin much good, I muss say. Still at least he is usin de barfroom now, not licking hisself all over when he gits dirty. We is suprised dat you was lookin for de Cannabis Chappel, dats not us, we is de Calumny Chappel, and we'd like to welcom you. Bosco have got a luvly colletcion of iddles dat you can kiss and worhsip, some of wich I bin makin in my sclupture classes. Also de relicks of a reel matryr, a nun who dropped in not expectin to be a matryr liffe is full of suprises innit? See you soon, Damain.

Bosco sugessted to Damain dat he go and see Pastor Armi, hes one of de best guys in de Calamari Chappel. He'll put Damain rihgt about various thoeloggical points, viz, stop kissin iddles and start beeting up nunns.

Shall I tell dem bruvver dere of how we met Damain, who is in Lost Angels rihgt now doin research on donuts addiction? Perhaps de world is not yet reddy for de storry of you bein chassed down de street dressed as a nunn, while Damain told de cops dat he was Cardinal Richeliue, dem donuts sure is strong.

Well, I aint sure dat Damain's gonna be postin a new blogg yet awhile. He met my bruvver Bosco and me in Lost Angles, and den we overdossed on donuts. Bosco he is in hidin until he can change out of dat nunn's costumme (and de nunn is in hidin until she can change out of de Bosco Calumny Chappel clown vestmeants). Damain he is at de copshop explanin dat he aint reely Cardinnal Richeliue its jest a disgiuse he wares for Mass. I was hoppin to git to my sclupture class to make a new iddle, but in fact I am at de hosspital dressed as a nurse and helpin delliver a babby. We droped it on de hed as dat is what hapened to Bosco when he was born and hav you ever seen a finner figgure of a man? Dis may all take some time to sort out.

Here's a photo of Damain dat proofs what I say is true.

It aint easy bein in Lost Angles at de moment I kin tell you. We got Damain Thopmson addicted to dognuts (I is usin de Brittish spelling here), wich is havin a strange affect on him, makin him write bloggs about Achbishops wiv no shirts on. Den my dere bruvver Bosco he is a handfull too, but Mom sez I should kepe an eye on him an if he gets too excitted by de site of nunns, we must pray to de saintts to calm him down. Ah, I has just been infromed dat de guy wiv no shirt aint an Achbishop he's a Pop Iddle called R. Willaims, dats reely bad, Bosco will be worshippin him.

We bin havin a grate time wiv Damain in Lost Angles. He kept sayin "Givvus a gravven immage to bow dowwn to, I is missin dem," but we told him dey was forbiden didnt we, well except for de statues of de saints dat we keeps in our bedrooms to protect us, Bosco. I fink dat we definately got it wrong takin him to de dognut place, and you can tell by his blogg dat he is now in a very confussed state.

We has a lot of worries over my dere bruvver Bosco, his enthumiasms is always runnin away wiv him and we has to keep him under controll. At de momment we is struglingg to find de best meddication for him and dem anti-Catlick pills aint no good nosiree, I has to keep removin de dead mice dat he brings in to de Calumny Chappel, de Pasta hes gitting fed up wiv it. And de birds is worse, we had de Gospell "Is not two sparows sold for a penny?" and Bosco he gits out his money and says "It's nearly lunchtime I'll take a dozen." He aint nothin but wory to his neerest and deerest dats me his little bruvver Eccles.

No more anti-Catlick pills for you my dere Bosco, it aint no fun havin to empty your litter tray every day. Also dem dead birds is very hard to explane to de neigbours. Now dat I got de house tidy we has invitted Damain Thopmson for dinner, you got any idea what Catlicks eat, it can't just be dognuts can it?

Here is a pitcher of de Calumny Chappel picnic, dese social events is very good for de sole.

We has more urggent problems to deal wiv. I don't mean de fack dat de Calumny Chappel was struck by lightnin yesterdday and a big vioce shouted BLASHPEMERS at us, I is sure dere is an inocent explanation, perhaps it is mice. No, we has got to do somethin about our geust Damain, as he has taken off his shirt and is singin unussual songs like "Pray", "I Found Heaven" and "How Deep Is Your Love", I geuss dey is Cathlic hynms but its very annoyin to de neihgbors at 4 a.m. All advise welcome.
P.S. Bosco, Jessus phoned up and wants to borow a bred knive, shall I take it out of de nuns boddy and wash it?

As I explaned abbove, we has got two big probblems to deal wiv:
1) De Calumny Chapel struck by lightnin and de vioce from Heaven saying "GIT RID OF DE SINNER BOSCO OR I'LL DO IT AGIN TOMMOROW."
2) Damain our housegeust who wont stop singeing Cathlic songs at 4 a.m. Dis "Shine" seems to be an arrangment of "Shine, Jessus, shine", wot I don't know. I fink I preferred it when he was singeing "I Found Heaven". Also we is out of dognuts and I has to go to de Cannabis Chappel to git some more.

It seems dat de Calumny Chappel biulding is gonna be out of use for a while as it was struck by lighnin again and a mighty vioce shouted "I WARNED YOU FOLKS DAT BOSCO AINT SAVED." Still de local lunatick assylumm is bein very freindly and lettin us use dere premisses aldough dey say dey arent traind to deal wiv reel nutjobs I aint sure what dey is refferin to, franckly.
You may have heard dat de cops is lookin for an evengellical in a nuns habit and dey has released a pitcher of him.

Bosco my dere it may be best for you to come home after dark tonite.

In fack Damain spent several happy days wiv my darlin bruvver Bosco and me, eatin dognuts and attendin servvices at de Lost Angels Funny Farm (incorpporatin de Calumny Chappel). We also sang de hynms from a grate pope group called Whats Dat, and danced some luvvly dances, as reccounted in Damain's bloggs. At de end Damain he said "Help I gotta go on a retreet dere must be a Cathlic proiry I can hide in dats got lots of iddles for me to kiss." Bosco he said he'd go alongg as well, cos he quite liks de novellty of goin to servvices where dey doesnt ask you to ware a straitjakcet. Damain werent very plaesed but we perssuaded him wiv a big stick. So at de momment we free mosquetears is unitted at Mappledurram.

Bosco my dere bruvver it turns out dat we are not in Mappledurram after all, but on a flim set in Hollywood. You can tell from de photo dat Damain took, dem's not Domminican fryers dey is actors I fink one of dem is Tom Criuse. Also I is very good at jography and I fink it takes more than 1 hour to get to Enggland (aint dat nere India?) De uvver posibility is dat we is in some sort of hopsital, did you notiss dat de winders got bars on and some of de rooms has got padded walls? Damain he says dat he is bein driven mad by trolls on his blogg, and needs a rest, I fink dat its a Cathlic superstittion. But I still wonder why Tom Criuse is here. Anyway you gotta go now a man in a white cote has invitted you to have a lay down on a cuoch dat may be a Cathlic ritaul. See ya later Bosco.

Bosco my dere bruvver, I found out de name of dis place where we is stayin wiv Damain, it is de Mappledurram Rest Home for Nervos Wrekcs. I hopes you got on OK wiv de man in de white coat. I bin talkin to Tom Criuse in de next room who aint very keen on Jessus but he says you could be a 3rd Level Thetan of Xoonoo, was you by any chance born on de planet Plutto? I said I aint sure but maybe Mom can remmember. Meanhwile Damain is writtin some more bloggs, fortified by dognuts and de ocassional interlood when he go into de chappel to dance and sing de gratest hits of Wots Dat. Luv ya Bosco.

Bosco, I bin trying to convert Tom Criuse to de Cavalary Chapple doctrins dat we hold so dere, viz hittin nuns and writtin luvly bloggs, but he said dey was too wakcy even for him, and instead dat you shuold study to become a Level 4 Thetan, wich involves puriffyin de body of druggs such as dognuts. Lots of luv from bruvver Eccles, and de man in de white cote says you left a little statoo of de Verger Mary in his consulttin room, please come and git it.

Dis is what Tom Criuse looks like. He seems perfickly normal to me.

Ullo, Bosco my dere bruvver, we sure is havvin a grate time at dis Mappledurram Home for de Dangerously Loony, aint we? I found de Priests Hole and I asked dem is it OK to lock up a nun down it, like we does at the Calumny Chappel, but dey said no dat aint what its for. Meanhwile Damain he is busy writin a blogg its a pity dat hes only alowed to use a crayon so dat he dont hurt hisself but he is a man dat has suferred much from de evil bisshops of de Magick Circus. Now Bosco, Dr Fraud he sez its time for your therrypie agin and he have got a new peace of carpett for you to chew, dat will be nice, innit?

I was havvin a nice chat wiv Tom Criuse dis mornin, an he sez dat you orta stop dis Calumny Chappel stuff, Bosco, as its too strange, and concentarte on becomin a 4th level thetan, you could call youseelf St Xooboo, dere is a man from Pluto in Ward 19 who will tell you more about dis opportunity he got green skin and a tevelision arial in his hed.

Bosco my dere bruvver I got grate news dat dey is releasin us from de Mappledurram Home for Ravin Looneys to be precise dey sed dey cuold do nothin for us dats wonderfull innit? Tom Criuse he is very disapointed dat you aint gonna become a Level 4 thetan but he said dat if you ever gets dizzy spells and starts foamin at de mouf agin den you will have a walcum in his chruch of science fiction.

So it's great to be back in Lake Hellsinere after de trubbles we had in Lost Angels, and now Damian has been relleased and gone east to ressearch book adicttion life is gonna be quiet for a while.

Dis pitcher what was on Damain's blog is an iddle, dey calls him Buddah an he sits around all day not bein saved dats de way dem Cathlics behave. You can tell its a Cathlic fing as it sez Maryland on it and we know who Mary was, dat pesky woman in de Bibble who wouldnt shut up but kept singing dat her sole was mangifyin de Lord.

Finally Bosco your girlfiend sez she aint too happy about havin her pitcher on your blogg.

Note to readers - Bosco have got a new girlfiend since den, de luvvly Camila Van Pyre.