Three news items

The Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have produced their guidelines for the Celebration of Mass, once this becomes possible again on July 4th. Since going to Mass is obviously far more dangerous than going to the pub, tearing down statues, or going to the cinema, the dear bishops have produced their own guidelines, which are much stricter than the Government's recommendations.

• All worshippers must wear brand new clothes, which are to be burned once the Mass is ended.
• Each person must carry a 5-litre drum of hand sanitizer, and wear a mask impregnated with plutonium, to kill viruses.
• No speaking is allowed: all lips must be sewn shut with steel wire.
• No kneeling. Holy Communion to be dipped in nitric acid before being offered to the faithful, who must receive on the hands while wearing rubber gloves.
• Priests to wear either space suits or diving suits, whichever is preferred.

Fr M and his Extraordinary Minister are ready for Mass.

Now, that's what you need to wear to avoid the virus. Another set of regulations will be introduced to help you avoid bad doctrine and liturgical abuses. Blindfolds and earplugs may be a good start.

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Meanwhile, over at the Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby has commented on statues at religious sites. "Some will have to come down. Some names will have to change," he said. Of course, the C of E has been tearing down statues since the 16th century, so this should come as no surprise. However, changing their names is a new venture, which shows that he has been reading 1984 very carefully.

This statue is to be renamed "George Floyd".

Of course, Welby's motives for tearing down statues is that the person honoured may not be acceptable to modern woke Guardian-reading BLM-supporting worshippers, or even non-worshippers. Sometimes, however, there are good reasons for tearing down statues, such as the abomination below, so who are we to judge?

A parody of the Virgin Mary, seen in Ely Cathedral.

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Finally, over in California, there have been a few objections after the statue of St Junipero Serra was pulled down. The bishops do not seem to be greatly bothered by this, and would prefer to leave the issue to people who actually believe in Catholicism. So, we have hired a handy-looking chap called Bob to help protect the statues. Apparently, he used to work for a book-burning company called Word on Fire.

Bob's not very bright, but he's very muscular.

English bishops comment after trip to Rome

After their ad limina visit to Rome, the Catholic bishops of England and Wales today accused the Vatican of twisting their words, having discovered that a totally implausible statement had been issued in their name. This is generally agreed to be the highlight:

As we spoke with Pope Francis we realised, more and more, that he simply radiates this joy and peace. He is indeed gifted with a unique grace of the Holy Spirit of God.

Even in this time of turmoil, the Holy Father is so clearly rooted in God and blessed by God. His peace is secure. His life is serene. We know, because he showed us his heart. It is the heart of a loving father.

Don't mention the Dubia! Or the Order of Malta. Or China. Or McCarrick.

It is suspected that someone such as Cardinal Baldisseri got to the original statement. This was far less effusive, and said:

We had a lovely time in Rome, and Pope Francis served us some delicious tea and Eccles cakes. We talked to him, and he listened. Then he talked to us about something totally different.

We realised, more and more, that Pope Francis is a tall man, although rather overweight. He has been gifted with the papacy by the St Gallen Mafia, and we appreciate his authority.

In this time of turmoil, Pope Francis radiates serenity. Nothing can trouble him. Anyone who attempts to trouble him is promptly shown the door. We know, because he showed us one of Cardinal Burke's kidneys - he keeps it in the freezer.

Bishops in the bus. Ad orientem or versus populum, My Lord?

Bishop Philip Egan, along with Mark Davies, is generally considered to be one of the more saved of English bishops - a sort of anti-Nichols - but even he could not resist joining in the fun.

The meeting with the Holy Father was remarkable - 2 and half hours!! It was Q&A. He spoke as a pastor and a father, full of wisdom, and many of us asked him questions.

Yet again, we have managed to locate the original statement, before the bishop's Twitter feed was hacked.

We asked the Holy Father many questions, although he explained that there was no time in which to answer them. In fact Pope Francis is a busy man, fully occupied in plans for world domination, developing heresy through new synods, and a new "seek and destroy" accompaniment for Archbishop Viganò. He certainly has no idea who Cardinal McCarrick is.

We also met Fr Spadaro, and, although many people say he spends all his time underground, living on fish and looking for his "precious", the smell is hardly noticeable. Or maybe I have a cold.

The Pope's most trusted adviser, along with Austen Ivoryhead the dwarf.

"Eat up your greens!" says Pope Francis

Pope Francis has given us the definitive - indeed Magisterial - message of today's Gospel about the feeding of the 5000. OUT go all references to Jesus feeding us, to bread, to any spiritual aspects of this miracle. But IN comes...

"Eat up your greens! Or do something else with them."

Coming soon is the Pope Francis Recipe Book, with a whole chapter on what to do with your leftover fish and bread. Eat it yourself ("we never thought of that"), turn it into something different ("if we had some roast beef, we could make it into roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, if we had some Yorkshire pudding"), give it to the poor ("Fish and bread? You joking, guv? The Anglicans are offering us gluten-free vegetarian unleaded low-fat hummus and soya fritters")... The possibilities are endless.

This should really be part of our "How to be a good pope" series. How to preach a sermon on the Feeding of the 5000 without saying anything that might offend the non-religious.

Over in Eccleston Square, the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have a better idea:

No message from the American bishops, who are all at McCarrick's farewell party.

Yes, that makes sense. Each Apostle was given a "goody bag", or, more precisely a "goody basket" of leftovers. Most of them didn't want any more food, and gave their share to Judas Iscariot.

Cardinal Dolan Judas Iscariot, after eating 12 baskets of fish and bread.

Anyway, back to Pope Francis, and his message about leftover food. Remember to eat up your greens, don't leave food on the side of your plate, or, if you really can't finish the food, turn it into something different. Eccles cakes?

Oh, and don't mention Jesus. I did, but I think I got away with it.

The Gospel according to St Malcolm

1. And they brought unto Jesus a sick baby, saying "Master, wilt thou heal this child, or at least take him to Rome, where he may be cared for?"

2. But Jesus said, "Nay, I will not fight against the doctors, who say that he is better off dead.

3. For I say unto you, the weak and helpless ye will always have with you.

4. But do not give unto them food and drink, for it will make you unpopular with the judges, the soldiers, and indeed the doctors."

5. And His disciples marvelled, and said "It is true. For we have heard the story of the Good Shepherd.

6. Who when one of his sheep is in danger, kicketh it into the ditch and goeth off to look after the ones who are healthy."

"Watch out, here comes the Good Shepherd!"

7. So the disciples issued a statement, explaining that they had full confidence in the doctors, and especially their wish to take away from the baby his food, his drink, the air he breathed, and - if possible - his parents.

8. "The professionalism of those who have decided that the child must die quickly is recognised and affirmed," they said.

9. For they spake always in that fashion.

10. Then Jesus gave them a parable, telling of the man who was attacked and robbed on the road to Damascus.

11. And there came by a Samaritan, who seeing that the man was injured and near to death, took him to an inn and starved him.

12. "I tell you, the Samaritan was a neighbour to the man attacked by robbers. Go and do thou likewise."

"See that he doesn't get any food or drink."

English bishops to be replaced by jelly-babies

Following a report describing the Catholic Bishops' Conference of England and Wales as a "spineless bunch of jellies", Pope Francis has decided to dismiss all the bishops and replace them with jelly-babies. "They may be a little rigid," he admitted, "but they're a lot cheaper to maintain, and most people will notice very little difference."

Your new-look bishops. Cardinals in red, of course.

Although individually some of the bishops (Egan, Davies, ...) do regularly show signs of non-gelatinous behaviour, it has been noticed that, when they gather together, their collective decisions are a disaster. It is best to clean out the fridge entirely, and start again.

This week, the bishops had a four-day party in Hinsley Hall, Leeds, and were fortified by a massive supply of cinnabons left over from Arthur Roche's days and some vintage Nuits Saint Geoffrey Boycott (Yorkshire Burgundy).

The bishops must have considered making a joint statement on the decision of Ealing Council to promote the culture of death (abortuaries), block free speech, and ban vigils. This would have offended the pressure groups 40 Days for Death and Bad Counsel Network, of course, and made the Catholic Church do something that Jesus never intended - shine a light into the darkness of secular death-culture. Bishop Egan, to his credit, had already spoken out, but we have failed to locate any statement from the Cardinal Archjelly of Westminster.

The CBCEW pose for a group photo.

More bizarrely, the jellies issued a statement on the Alfie Evans case, in which the State is trying to enforce euthanasia on a child whose illness has not been properly diagnosed, going against the wishes of the parents to seek treatment away from Alder Hey hospital. Apparently, it is in the "best interests" of the child that he be bumped off (and sadly, we think this will ultimately happen); if you have any comments suggesting the removal of life-support facilities (such as food and drink) from brain-dead members of the judiciary, you should probably keep them to yourself.

It's nice, once in a while, to see something good in Pope Francis.

What the bishops didn't notice, in their cinnabon-induced stupor, is that Pope Francis is sticking up for Alfie. Said a spokesman for the Liverpool Archdiocese, "We didn't even realise that Alfie was a Catholic. Next you'll be telling us that Archbishop McMahon is a Catholic, ha ha ha." So that puts paid to Vincent Nichols's dreams of being Pope Francis II, and we'll probably end up with Tobin instead. Nighty-night, Catholic Church, we did love you, Baby.

LATE NEWS: Cardinal Vincent Nichols has issued an angry statement on the Pope's decision to replace him. "Wobble, wobble, blobble, globble, wobble!" he says. That's telling him!

The Catholic Bishops' Conference corrects the Pope

Most Holy Father,

With profound grief, we are compelled to address a correction to Your Holiness on account of the propagation of heresies effected by the apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia and by other words, deeds and omissions of Your Holiness.

An English bishop addresses a fraternal correction.

Actually, we didn't want to do this, as we were hoping to stay in your good books long enough to get Vincent Nichols some preferment, and make him a strong candidate for the papacy when the next conclave comes round. The St Pancras Mafia were already standing by to promote his case and throw dirt at Sarah, Tagle, and all the other contenders... However, the time has come to speak out.

So, let's get down to business. Amoris Laetitia simply doesn't go far enough. We bishops are simply not being told whether we should allow people to divorce and re-marry, and then take communion. You need to speak out and say that we should scrap marriage completely: this would be a ``correction" of the New Testament, but worth it, we feel.

They say AL is Thomist and Jerryist, but it seems to have hit you in the face.

We must also take issue with your use of language such as "rigid", "fomenter of coprophagia" and "fundamentalist" to describe those who don't share your modernizing views. THIS IS PATHETIC. Our cardinal comes from Liverpool, the land of Archbishop Warlock, who would have described these b******s as b****y ****-eating b*****s! That's telling them!

Also, some complaints must be made about your evident fondness for Lutherism. Isn't this unfair to our friends in the Church of England (if ever there was one holy, Catholic and apostolic church, then that must be it!) not to mention. Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, etc.?

The answer to Lutherism!

Finally, what about same-sex marriage and abortion? It seems clear to us that you disapprove, which means that your views are indistinguishable from those of that arch-Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg! When he was being attacked by the secular media, certain reactionary bishops such as Egan and Davies, more inspired by the New Testament than the Tablet, went as far as supporting him.

However, the vast majority of us took a more pragmatic view and said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, following Jesus's words, "Blessed are ye when ye do not offend people, as then ye will not lose your friends!" Nobody is ever going to be sure what we believe, especially when we get Stonewall to write documents for the Catholic Education Service!

Sorry, Holy Father, you've let us down, and if Cormac were alive now he'd be turning in his grave!

Signed: most of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales.

Pope Francis refuses to meet the Mayor of Whitby

Councillor Heather Coughlan, Mayor of Whitby, has reacted angrily to reports that Pope Francis will be meeting with Patriarch Kirill of Moscow, but has, as yet "no plans to visit Whitby".

Nicene Nice one, Kyrill.

"What is it with Francis?" asked the mayor angrily. "He's happy to talk to Lutherans, Anglicans, Orthodox - even Catholics sometimes. But he refuses to consult Whitby town council when it comes to discussing an alternative date for Easter."

In fact, Pope Francis's negotiating position with Patriarch Kirill is more wide-ranging than this, being based on three demands (the fourth was considered to be "a step too far"):

1. Use the Gregorian Calendar.
2. Drop that stupid alphabet.
3. Stick "Filioque" in the Creed.
4. Get involved in gay masses, clown masses, and liturgical dancing.

Many of Whitby's most famous inhabitants, such as, er, Captain Cook and Dracula, are known to have favoured the current method for deciding the date of Easter; this was agreed at the Synod in A.D. 664 and has survived the changes brought on by the Reformation, Vatican II, etc.

A tense moment at the Synod of Whitby.

If a new date for Easter is agreed now, then it is likely that Yorkshire will go it alone, sticking to the present means of calculating it. After all, what's one more schism between friends? It is thought that both John Sentamu (Anglican Archbishop of York) - who signs himself John Ebagum, using the Roman word for York - and Marcus Stock (Catholic Bishop of Leeds) are strongly supportive of the plan for a Yorkshire Easter.

As far as the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales is concerned, they would like to move Good Friday to a Sunday (cf. Epiphany and Ascension), but have not yet worked out how this would fit in with all the other plans under discussion. For Prime Minister David Cameron the important thing is that Easter Sunday should become an even more important shopping opportunity, the exact date being unimportant.

"Are you sure this is an Easter egg?"

Don't be a Donatist! Be nice to your bishop!

The Bones blog tells of a fascinating document Reflection Document for Clergy on Marriage and Family Life, produced by the CBCEW, warning clergy against the heresy of Donatism.

Robert Donat in "The 39 Articles Steps".

Donatism, as every schoolboy or girl knows, was a heresy condemned by St Augustine. This was in the time of Diocletian's persecution of Christians: Christians were being forced to bake cakes bearing slogans in favour of same-sex "marriage", other Christians lost their jobs when they repeated Christ's teaching on marriage and the family... Well, in these times, various Christians renounced their faith, or at least kept very quiet about it. Some bishops even allowed "gay" masses to take places in their dioceses, or invited known dissenters to lecture.

Now, when the the climate was a bit milder, and people felt able to speak freely once more, then the Donatists refused to accept the sacraments at the hands of such "apostates". This is heretical, and we must take the view that - however badly your bishop has behaved - he is still a priest in good standing. If he marries you - er, to someone else, that is - baptises your child, or anoints you with oil, or whatever, then it's all perfectly above board.

"Something's not quite right here, Vin."

In fact, the CBCEW letter isn't condemning true Donatists who may refuse to accept the legitimacy of priests: it is changing the meaning of the word to refer to those who refuse to give communion to remarried divorcees, those in same-sex relationships, and others who do not wish to give "Go and sin no more" a try. It's always a good move to label your political opponents with some obscure heresy, rather than coming out and saying exactly what you mean. We've been accused of neo-Pelagianism and Donatism; coming soon: accusations of Arianism, Marcionism and Montanism, or you may be identified as one of the Bogomils, the Patarini, the Dulcinians, the Waldensians or the Cathars.

Do you look like this? If so, you mean be guilty of Bogomilism.

The explanation for the gibberish in the CBCEW document is simple. It was written by all the bishops, sitting in a large "magic" circle, each taking it in turns to supply a word. Some of the bishops dozed off while this was being done, or woke up shouting "Drink!", so the process was not entirely reliable. As Mr Bones has hinted, "Donatist" was actually one portly bishop's cry for doughnuts.

Missing veteran found safe

Some items of religious news have just come in.

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Basil Loftus - safe and well.

A Vatican II veteran, who disappeared from his care home after being told that he could not attend celebrations for E-day - because he didn't really believe in the bodily resurrection of Christ - has been found safe and well. Monsignor Basil Loftus, 93, escaped from his minders in Ravenloonie, in northern Scotland; he was eventually found wandering round the Catholic Times muttering that the Church kept asking him to assent to doctrines which no true Protestant could stomach. Also he would sue anyone who called him a heretic, especially if it was the pope.

Said one spokesman: "He really shouldn't be allowed to wander around unattended. Sometimes he just says the first thing that comes into his head, and it causes annoyance to so many people." A member of the public, Dr Joseph Shaw, added: "He came and sat next to me on the bus; after two minutes of his ramblings, I couldn't take it any more. In the end I was forced to go and sit somewhere else."

Basil has now been returned to his care home in Scotland. He is not believed to be dangerous, just very boring.

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The bishops of England and Wales today were today in crisis, after their headquarters were officially labelled "unsaved". Said a spokesman, "I know that some of us have been getting a bad press lately, but it seems a little cruel to say that we are 'unsaved'."

Bad news for the CBCEW.

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Finally, it was announced that a computer had narrowly failed to pass the Turing Test, which requires a machine to respond to questions so that it cannot be distinguished from a real person. The computer, a Retro 84, was programmed to contribute to Twitter, trolling the timeline of a prominent speaker for Catholic Voices, and making inane comments on everything she said.

Ooh, look what @fairdove has been saying today. Not a make-it-up-as-you-go-along Catholic like me LOL.

Initially it was thought that the Retro 84 was a genuine Catholic woman, but when it started loading its comments with meaningless words such as "bigot" and "homophobe", and when it described Hans Küng as an "eminent theologise", it was clear that in fact it was simply a computer program speaking, possibly one influenced by the legendary Professor Stanley Unwin.

This computode Catholibabe knows its trollybanter! Amazey.

The Ascension Day cruise

There are many people round the world who celebrated Ascension Day on Thursday, after 40 days of Eastertide, and others who celebrate it today, after 43 days. As it says in Acts 1:7, It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power.

Eccleston Square: behind this sinister door the date of Ascension is decided.

As a result some people have managed to celebrate Ascension twice this year, and others not at all, depending on where they were on the relevant dates, and which calendar they were following. I myself was in France on Thursday, and in England on Sunday, thus getting a double helping.

Fear not - I shall do this again in three days time for the CBCEW.

Anyway, next year readers of this blog will have the opportunity to celebrate Ascension Day four times (and, if you are a good Catholic, it will be an obligation to do so), by taking part in the Eccles(ton) Ascension Day Cruise!

Ahoy there, shipmates! Cardinal Nichols will be our tour guide!

Day 1: We fly to St John, a Pacific Island located at 179°E. It is Thursday 14th May 2015 when we arrive, so we attend the Ascension Day Mass. Then the S.S. Eccles will take us to St Basil, an island on the other side of the international dateline, where it is still Wednesday.

Day 2: It is now Thursday in St Basil, so off we go to Ascension Day Mass. We are probably confused, and still jet-lagged, so the rest of the day is free for sight-seeing.

The S.S. Eccles.

Day 3: It is Friday in St Basil, and we embark in the S.S. Eccles for St Cormac, an island just over the dateline. When we arrive it is Saturday night.

Day 4: Bless my soul, it is Sunday on St Cormac, and they are going to celebrate Ascension Day! So we go to Mass. When that's over, we take the S.S. Eccles back over the dateline to the island of St Vincent, where it is Saturday night once more.

Day 5: Well strike me pink if it isn't Sunday on St Vincent, and they want to celebrate Ascension Day! Off we go...

Day 6 (optional): fly to Ascension Island, where it is perpetually Ascension Day.

... or 41 days, or 42, or 43, or...

QUAERITUR (I asked Fr Z. but he could not answer): What do you call the days between Ascension Day (Thursday) and Ascension Day (Sunday)?

Christians and antisocial media

Deacon Tommy, the most miserable man on the Internet, explains how social media brought him friendship.

Could this be the real @pontifex?

It's no secret that I am a keen user of Twitter, which is a wonderful vehicle for insulting and upsetting people. In particular, I find that anonymous Twitter profiles raise my blood pressure. Of course I don't often throw bricks through the windows of other tweeters, or make trouble with their employers, but it is something I would like to be able to do if push came to shove. But now I have relented, and this is due to an anonymous profile that goes by the name of @pontifex (for those whose Latin is as bad as mine, this means Bridge-Builder, so I naturally assumed that he was some kind of civil engineer).

The wobbly bridge - a clue to the identity of @pontifex?

This @pontifex uttered a Tweet that was sent on to me: Dear friends, please pray for me during my pilgrimage to the Holy Land. Naturally, I gave him the usual treatment: I sent him a nasty message, and blocked him on Twitter. I have a friend who is an IT expert, and he managed to track down @pontifex to the Vatican; after a bit more snooping we had the confidence to send the following to @pontifex: Hello, @pontifex, or should I call you Giuseppe Melchiorre Sarto? Does your employer know you Tweet in office hours?

My Archbishop, Smiffy, and others from the CBCEW, trying to work out what they think of civil partnerships.

However, @pontifex was fully understanding, and his kindness and charity moved me to tears. Yes, it really did. Or it may have been the onions in the shed where I do my antisocial media stuff. @pontifex said that he'd heard about me, and he was going to offer prayers on my behalf. Being a humble person, he lives in a shed as well, so there is a bond between us.

The humble shed in which @pontifex lives.

Actually, I think @pontifex had come across my blog "Catholic Vizzes", where I make witty personal attacks on priests, members of Catholic Voices, and anyone else who is more popular than I. Maybe I shouldn't mention this, but a certain bishop to the west of the Pennines told me that he wished his own deacons could be as charming and restrained as I am!

So in my general crusade for peace, I have decided to accept that @Pontifex is (nearly) as good a Catholic as I am, and my latest theory is that he is Br George Pontifex, a monk from Cambridge. Still, I gather that he also uses a "sockpuppet" title, Pope Francis, and this definitely not the name he was born with!

Deacon Tommy (with help from Agatha Christie) gets the measure of Eccles.

Moveable feasts

Although Catholics in England and Wales are apparently out of step with much of the rest of the Christian world, the Catholic Bishops' Conference has announced new arrangements for the major religious festivals.

And when the time came for Jesus to depart, He said "Let's do it on Sunday instead."

First, as has already been noted by many people, almost everyone - from the Pope downwards - believes that today is Ascension Day. However, the Magic Circle has decided to defer it to Sunday. This is believed to be because there is a highly important football match taking place tonight (Leicester v. Watford), which several bishops are unwilling to miss.

There is also Eastenders: apparently, Roxy finds herself in a dangerous situation when she gets some unwanted attention (a situation in which Vincent Nichols often finds himself).

Today is an unholy day of obligation, when all Catholics much watch Eastenders.

Looking ahead, the CBCEW has announced that Christmas Day has been moved to the nearest Sunday, December 22nd 2013. This will have the advantage that believers will be able to finish their Christmas shopping a few days before everyone else, and spend most of the next two weeks in an alcoholic stupor watching television, like the rest of the country.

Arrangements for Lent have similarly been altered. Ash Wednesday will of course become Ash Sunday (which is so much more convenient for everyone), and Good Friday will also become Good Sunday. There is an obvious technical problem here: thus, the Nicene Creed used in church has been modernised so that it now says that Jesus "rose again on the seventh day in accordance with the Scriptures." Which means in fact that the Bible will also have to be retranslated under the direction of the Magic Circle ("for forty days appearing to them" should have been "forty-three," anyway).

St Luke is persuaded to change "forty" to "forty-three."

The changes have been greeted with enthusiasm in some circles. Said a spokesman for the Tablet: "Ha ha, another kick in the teeth for the Pope! He should know that only religious nutters go to church on any day of the week except Sundays. And thank goodness we all stopped saying our prayers on weekdays, when Vatican II banned such practices!"

Christopher Robin is saying his prayers on a Thursday. What a Traddie reactionary!

Vincent Nichols bashes the blogs

Archbishop Vincent Nicholas has delivered a homily in which he sends a hard-hitting message to the Catholic blogosphere: Stop complaining!

Ouch! This mitre's too tight, and my feet are killing me. Mustn't grumble, though.

Archbishop Nichols has picked up Pope Francis's comments that one should not gossip about one's neighbours, nor complain about one's own personal circumstances. Now he has run with them in a totally different direction.

You've been blogging again, haven't you? And not just about custard.

Certainly, as ++Vin knows very well, Catholic bloggers should not comment when they see wrong-doing in the church. In the immortal words of Our Lord: "Doth not the holy man, when he seeth evil, take a brush, and sweep it under the carpet?" Non-Revelations, Chapter 16.

Westminster Cathedral obtains a carpet to sweep things under.

Of course, the Catholic church in England is in a state of perfection at present. There are no liturgical abuses, no masses designed to promote homosexual acts, no heretical professors giving "Catholic" lectures, no "Catholic" newspapers publishing attacks on orthodox teaching, and no complaints about the governance of Catholic schools. All the bishops are highly-revered persons, who have a track record of promoting church teaching without perverting it in any way. Oh I'm so happy.

Dear Cormac! If I can't rely on the CBCEW's loyalty, on whom can I rely?

So we bloggers need to pull our socks up, and stop complaining. Just as the BBC, our national news broadcaster, is pulling its socks up and refusing to mention the mass murders with which Pennsylvania's answer to Dr Harold Shipman - Dr. Kermit Gosnell - is being charged. No, that would be mere gossip, and the news must never get out.

I'm warning you... if any of this appears in a blog...

The Bishop's Letter

Your bishop

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

As you know the Pope has asked me to become the Secretary of the Congregation of Divine Worship and Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome (or Vice-Pope for short), and it is with great reluctance that I am leaving the good people of Leeds for pastures new, when my work is still undone.

The Vatican of the North

The Holy Father was concerned that I might find the Vatican a little claustrophobic, after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, but I told him that we should all be prepared to make sacrifices in order to serve God to the best of our abilities.

My successor as Bishop of Leeds has not yet been appointed, but I shall bequeath to him my collection of padlocks, guaranteed to fit church doors of any size, so that he may continue to close churches in the diocese on a regular basis.

Encouraging local industry in Allerton Bywater

In a spirit of Christian Charity I shall ignore one caustic remark made by Damian Thompson, namely "I hope Gammarelli has stocked up on XXXL archiepiscopal rig..." Although I am no longer the slim and athletic ice-skater that I used to be, my enemies will find that I can still be very slippery on occasion.

A problem in the 2012 CBCEW Ice-Skating Championships

By the way, I still have 5,000 copies of my most recent video nasty, "The Leeds diocese - what can we close next?" in case anyone would like one.

Saying farewell to the Bishop