Fatman and Martin the Boy Wonder

Theme music: Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Fatman! (arr. Marty Haugen).

The Caped Crusader

Over to Dolan Manor, just behind St Patrick's Cathedral in New York, where millionaire socialite Timothy Dolan is settling down to a light snack of lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam. His protégé, Jimmy, is using his "Boy's Own Engineering Set" to build a bridge, and painting it in rainbow colours to match the leotard he is wearing.

The phone rings, and Alfred the Butler (any suggestions?) answers it.

Alfred (nonplussed): The Riddler to speak to you on the Fatphone, sir.

Riddler: Here's a good one for you, Fatman! What do you call someone who promotes abortion, but who is still regarded as being of good standing in the Catholic Church? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Dolan: He's rung off. Quick - to the Fatcave! Maybe the Fatcomputer can help with this one.

Fatman's arch-enemy has a riddle for him!

In a flash, Dolan puts on his robes and becomes Fatman! Likewise, Jimmy is now Martin the Boy Wonder! They slide down a specially toughened pole, and arrive in the Fatcave!

Fatman: There's a message on the Fatcomputer, Boy Wonder! It says that Governor Cuomo of Godless City has signed a new abortion law. Also I've got 50 people on Twitter asking me why I don't excommunicate him!

Martin: What? And make yourself unpopular? Think of all those parties and dinners you'd miss if you started standing up for Catholic values! Play your cards right, and my friend Stephen Colbert will invite you on his show.

Fatman: Exactly. Well I'll just block these troublemakers on Twitter. Hmm, one's called Eccles. I wonder who that is?

Martin: Look! Here's some real crime, Fatman! A Covington schoolboy has been seen aggressively standing silently wearing a red MAGA hat, while national hero Big Chief Flaming Pants Magua was quietly banging a drum in his face. Magua says "I wanted to scalp um, but he wear red hat. Me, big national Vietnam hero, fire many arrows at Vietcong when only 5 years old."

Excommunicate him for smirking!

Fatman: Sounds bad, Boy Wonder.

Martin: Can we excommunicate him, Fatman? Please, please, please! Bishop John Stowe says that it was Hitler who invented the red hat, and nobody wearing one can possibly be pro-life.

Fatman: Oh, we really shouldn't get involved, Boy Wonder. So, back to the Fatkitchen now! I'm hungry!

A national hero.

Anonymous blogging

Some readers have questioned whether my name is really Eccles, and whether my brother is really called Bosco, or my great-aunt called Moly. Of course all this is perfectly true - why would I want to deceive you? However, I have been accused of cowardice for (allegedly) blogging and tweeting anonymously, especially as some of my posts have been misinterpreted as attacks on the vain, the proud, the self-important and the stupid - which are protected but scarcely endangered species.

Two anonymous bloggers discuss hermeneutics.

Still there is a long tradition of strivers for justice, honesty, truth, beauty, world peace, a sound digestion, good weather, ... where was I? Oh yes, a long tradition of doing such things anonymously. Sometimes it is enough to put on a pair of glasses and call yourself Clark Kent to become impenetrably disguised as a journalist. At the Catholic Herald they once tried something similar...

Mild-mannered Dr William Oddie, Damian Thompson and Ed West under cover.

What happens if you're not anonymous? Well, if you're a pro-life GP, be very afraid. Farewell to the Hippocratic oath, hello to Abortion. Your first words to a pregnant mother should be "Oh dear, I am so sorry. Shall I arrange a termination?" and not "Congratulations, you must be very pleased!" Be warned - we're coming for you, and your family, and your dog, and your cat, and your hamster, and... anyway, don't you dare fight abortion!

The Scarlet Pimpernel - another blogger with a secret identity.

Or you might be a professor in a politically-correct university (aren't they all?), who dares to oppose the Equality and Diversity party line - perhaps you think that, hey, homosexual sex is a bad thing...? Or that marriage is something to do with a man and a woman? Or that Islam is actually a false religion? Well, if you want to keep your job, or at least to avoid being mobbed by students with too much time on their hands, you'd better not say so!

The Lone Ranger, with patent Zuhlsdorf^TM heretic-smiter.

It was always thus. Saul of Tarsus, originally a big shot in the looking-after-coats-during-stonings business (and general smiting of Christians) was forced to blog under the pseudonym of Paul, especially when putting forward controversial notions about faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of them being love (or charity, if you prefer). He was still harassed by people who thought that the three virtues were diversity, political correctness and being green -- and the greatest of these is being green.

St Paul, arrested for not being green.

So be nice to our anonymous bloggers, and remember that some of the greatest people in history traded under a variety of aliases (or sockpuppets). One thinks of Our Lord, who managed to have numerous Oxbridge colleges named after Him, simply by using the aliases Christ, Corpus Christi, Emmanuel, Jesus, Trinity, ... and, if you believe Dan Brown, His wife's name Magdalen(e), too.

Brasenose (formerly Brazen Nose), not believed to be one of the names of God.