Are atheists more handsome?

After failing to convince people that atheists were statistically more intelligent than "faith-heads" - which of course would instantly prove that all religion was a load of rubbish - Prof. Richard Dawkins has come up with another devastating argument for his beliefs. Yes, it seems that atheists are more handsome than religious people.

A typically handsome atheist.

We should contrast the above picture with one of a typically ugly Christian. Whoever I choose, I am going to be told off for a lack of gallantry, so let's pick the lovely Dena O'Callaghan, billed as a "woman Catholic priest", whatever that may be.

Dena - she has the Dr Who scarf, but she wasn't chosen as an assistant.

The aesthetic argument does not exhaust the wide array of anti-God logic that Richard Dawkins has at his disposal. Statistically, atheists are better athletes and better cooks, they win more prizes for vegetable marrows at country fairs, and of course they tell funnier jokes.

A giant atheist marrow, probably. (Someone please check!)

Says Dawkins: "Christians, Muslims, Jews and the rest are very much stuck in the dark ages. Many of them can't even read. Trust me, I'm a retired professor of zoology and I know about these things."

A typical Christian - wrote the Bible, but knew nothing of genetics.

However, Richard Dawkins's latest comments to his millions of adoring fans are starting to irritate even moderate atheists. Said one, "Clearly, Christians are uglier and less intelligent than atheists, with the possible exception of Giles Fraser. No Guardian-reader would ever disagree! But when Richard says that they smell funny, refuse to change their socks, and break wind in public, it is hard to translate this into a direct argument for the non-existence of God."

Hmm, there's a funny smell in here. Can it be one of those Christians?

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5

1. And it came to pass that Richard, having passed his fiftieth year, decided to take unto himself a third wife.

2. For he said unto himself, "My genes cry out most woefully, 'Richard, it is not good for thee to be alone. Thou hast not changed thy socks for two years, and thy shirts lack buttons.'"

3. And many fair and virtuous women queued up outside Richard's house, saying, "Let us mingle our genes with thine, O mighty zoologist, thou who knowest the secrets of the blind watchmaker, and the deaf piano-tuner, yeah and even the completely mad lecturer."

4. For Richard had long since put aside the days of his youth, when he wrote mainly of chickens.

Shall I kill him now, Doctor?

5. And there came unto him a fair maiden, whose name was Leela, and she said, "O Richard, take me as thy wife, that I may stab thine enemies to death."

6. But Richard was looking for someone a little more intellectual. For his days of violence were still far in the future.

Probably too brainy for Dr Dawkins

7. And then another fair maiden, named Romana, threw herself before Richard. But he trampled her underfoot and went on his way.

Mrs Dawkins III relaxes with some friends

8. Finally, there came to him a lady from Gallifrey, one endowed with the finest of genes. And they were wed.

9. Then Richard finally achieved greatness, for he was appointed to the position of Simonyi Professor for the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford. And his enemies joked, saying "Simony, eh? Did he pay for his preferment?"

10. But the answer was No, it was just that this Simonyi was a man with far more money than sense.

A slight misunderstanding

11. Anyway, the people said, "At last, after 25 years in which he spake unto us of chickens and genes, Richard will finally help us understand all of science."

11. So they asked him many difficult questions about science, such as "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

12. And Richard said to himself, "Alas, they do not yet realise that I am an expert on all areas of science, and I know the ways of the Higgs Boson, the Benzene Ring and the Last Theorem of Fermat. Yeah, and chickens too, of course."

13. "But first I shall fire off a blizzard of pot-boilers, since frankly it is quite expensive being married to a lady from Gallifrey who keeps wanting to go home and see her mother; for even the abundant wealth of Mr Simonyi cannot pay the fares".

14. Meanwhile, further recognition came to Richard, in the form of many honorary degrees, from places as widespread as the Cyberman University of Mondas, the Dalek College of Skaro, and the University of Sontar.

Richard Dawkins in the academic dress of the University of Sontar

15. But as the new millennium arrived, the life of Richard reached a turning point; for he began to lose his last remaining grasp on reality. As we shall now see.

Continued in Chapter 7