The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

1. So Maysis took the advice of the prophets Comres, Mori and Yougov, and called an election, that she might defeat Jeremiah of the Corbynites and finally lead the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

Maysis seeketh advice from the Lord of Bucket-head.

2. For her counsellors had spoken unto her, saying, "Thou art a ghastly old trout, but surely Jeremiah is even worse?"

3. "For he hath friends among such as Gerald of the Adamites, who slay the widow and the orphan; not to mention many other Terrorites."

4. "Go forth and win. Thou canst not do worse than Cam-aaron, he who is now gone to a better place. Or at least, one that pays better."

Jeremiah goeth out to meet the Maronites.

5. So Maysis wrote an epistle, that is called Manifesto, in which she promised to be Strong and Stable.

6. Although she later changed her mind, especially when she sought to raise taxes upon the old and demented,

7. And Jeremiah wrote his own epistle, in which he promised wondrous gifts to the Many and not the Few.

8. At which the Few were exceeding wrathful, as they would have to pay for them, if anyone ever did.

9. Moreover, Jeremiah was aided by an abbot called Diane, known for her skill with numbers, who explained that she would appoint seventy-six million policemen to protect the children of Bri-tain.

10. That is, everyone in Bri-tain would henceforth be a policeman, and Diane would import a few million more from the land of I-sis to make up the numbers.

And the people of Bri-tain spake, saying, "Ave, ave, ave, what is all this, then?"

11. We need not speak long of other famous men, such as Farron of the Libdemites, he who abandoned his faith on learning that that following the Lord's commandments was a vote-loser.

12. Nor on the fate of the Ukipites, who had spoken for many years saying "We must leave EU-gypt."

13. For the reply came, "Yes, the 50th article is already triggered, and now all we need to know is, who shall go forth to drink the Pharaoh Juncker under the table?"

There cometh the only man who can drink more than Juncker.

14. At last the big day came, and the children of Bri-tain voted, saying "Alas, we hate the lot of you."

15. So Maysis, she who was hated slightly less than Jeremiah, remained as the leader.

16. But she spake sweet words unto the Dupites of Ire-land, saying, "Cleave unto me, for surely ye must hate Jeremiah and his Terrorite friends." And it was so.

17. And all the Corbynites spake out with one voice. saying, "But the Dupites hate Catholics!" And the reply came back, "Well, so do you!"

A Dupite banner (on loan from Cardinal Burke).

18. And the Corbynites spake out again, saying, "Yet the Dupites love not the marriage that is gay!" And the reply came back, "Neither do thy friends the Muslimites!"

19. At this the Corbynites despaired, saying, "The people have spoken, but they have not yet demonstrated in the streets, so the result is invalid."

20. And still the clock ticked on, towards the day when May-sis must send people forth to drink with Juncker.

Continued in Chapter 11.

Are atheists more handsome?

After failing to convince people that atheists were statistically more intelligent than "faith-heads" - which of course would instantly prove that all religion was a load of rubbish - Prof. Richard Dawkins has come up with another devastating argument for his beliefs. Yes, it seems that atheists are more handsome than religious people.

A typically handsome atheist.

We should contrast the above picture with one of a typically ugly Christian. Whoever I choose, I am going to be told off for a lack of gallantry, so let's pick the lovely Dena O'Callaghan, billed as a "woman Catholic priest", whatever that may be.

Dena - she has the Dr Who scarf, but she wasn't chosen as an assistant.

The aesthetic argument does not exhaust the wide array of anti-God logic that Richard Dawkins has at his disposal. Statistically, atheists are better athletes and better cooks, they win more prizes for vegetable marrows at country fairs, and of course they tell funnier jokes.

A giant atheist marrow, probably. (Someone please check!)

Says Dawkins: "Christians, Muslims, Jews and the rest are very much stuck in the dark ages. Many of them can't even read. Trust me, I'm a retired professor of zoology and I know about these things."

A typical Christian - wrote the Bible, but knew nothing of genetics.

However, Richard Dawkins's latest comments to his millions of adoring fans are starting to irritate even moderate atheists. Said one, "Clearly, Christians are uglier and less intelligent than atheists, with the possible exception of Giles Fraser. No Guardian-reader would ever disagree! But when Richard says that they smell funny, refuse to change their socks, and break wind in public, it is hard to translate this into a direct argument for the non-existence of God."

Hmm, there's a funny smell in here. Can it be one of those Christians?