All roads lead to God

In Singapore, Pope Francis has explained to some children that all religions are paths to reach God. As a public service, we present some parts of his address that you may have missed:

'Atheism is another way to find God - in the same way as walking east round the world is a way to get to the west. Just because we are Catholics, it doesn't mean we can't be atheists too! Indeed, many of my best friends are atheists - it's the believers I can't stand.

Flat-earthism is a valid faith too, but be careful with that east/west metaphor!

Another religion that will lead you to god is the worship of Rupnik - that brilliant painter whose life and works are a model to us all. Sit down in a room with a Rupnik picture, and after an hour or two you will be ready for Heaven - or at least you'll wish to die.

Zaphod Beeblebrox, by Rupnik.

Then who can forget the true faith of Pachamama, the Earth Mother goddess? Austen Ivereigh adores her - I have known him to sit in a room with a Pachamama idol and, after an hour or two, to scream very loudly. Is he not imitating the cry of the Mother Earth Goddess? Truly, little Austen is on the path to God!

One path to God - the scenic route.

So, different faiths are like different languages, different dialects. After all, isn't saying "Allahu Akbar" or "Slay the Infidels" just as worthy as "Glory be to the Father" and MUCH better than "Gloria Patri"? Or, for that matter, Cardinal Rochelieu's favourite prayer, "More Tiramisu, Please", is also a way to find God - or at least, a delicious dessert!'

And yes, Prince Philip worship is genuine.

An unreligious baggage writes about Christmas

A guest post from Apollyon Toynbee of the Guardian.

Christmas comes with good cheer. The tragedy is the religious baggage.

I love Christmas! It's the time of year that all we Guardian writers are filled with good cheer, as we migrate to our villas in Tuscany and take part in all the usual traditions. Hot cross buns! Easter eggs! Drinking ourselves sensible!

I watch "It's a pretty rotten life", that movie in which a rich capitalist decides to kill himself, and we all cheer him on. (I turn off before the last bit, which is about a fascist creature called an angel, who stops him.)

I also watch "A Christmas Carol" in a special feminist version in which Ms. Scroogy goes to Bob Snatchit's House and steals all his food becase he is a SEXIST PIG.

No religion in any of these films, you will notice!

Disgusting!

No, it's the attempt by Christians to hijack the event with their nonsense about a baby being born in Nazareth, or wherever it was. Why, they've even hijacked the traditional name "Christmas", deciding to call their imaginary baby "Christ". I haven't gone into this in detail, but it seems that they also worship other imaginary children called East and Pente!

My atheist great-grandfather, Gilbert N. Sullivan, a classical scholar and also president of the humanists, called Christmas “Mithras' birthday”, because Jesus usurped this winter festival from him. (Hang on, Eccles, she really said that!) Of course the shops refused to sell him Mithras' Birthday cards, which just goes to show the level of bigotry in our society.

And don't get me onto the subject of the three "kings" bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh, when - so they tell me - ordinary citizens can't afford these luxuries and have to rely on myrrh banks! I blame Rishi Sunak.

In general, I am very tolerant of religions, provided that they are practised behind closed doors where nobody can see them. (And no cheating by making silent prayers in the streets! My friends in the Police have stocked up with tear gas, rubber bullets and tasers, just in case anyone tries to pray while thinking - or do I mean tries to think while praying?)

The anti-prayer task force has spotted a lady praying silently!

No, at this time of year I show my religious sensitivity by wishing all my Muslim friends a "Happy Hanukkah", since I know that in their gurdwaras they are celebrating that moment - sacred to them at least - when Krishna did whatever it is he did.

Admittedly, they sometimes utter a discreet "Ali Baba!" ("God is great") as they go about their traditional stabbing activities, but we can overlook such solecisms because we all believe in diversity!

Confucius he say "This is brilliant, Polly!"

Christianity is the worst, though. I dug into the Guardian bag of insults and out came "homophobic", "transphobic", "pro-life", "preaching" and "smashing and decapitating a vast statue of Athena". So there we are!

Give me the badly behaved quarrelsome gods of Valhalla, the Greeks and Romans. (Hang on, Eccles, she really said that as well!)

But worst of all, is the fact that organized religion has robbed us of the right to bump off Grandad when he's being a nuisance (The "right to die"). A lot of these do-gooders wear crosses - an instrument of torture - but whenever I suggest to them that I should be allowed to crucify Grandad Gilbert, who has a nasty dose of arthritis, they hurriedly change the subject.

So Christmas comes with good cheer, enjoy it. But know that it also comes with grandparents - I mean, religious baggage - that we should shed!

Will this do? I have recycled some of the best bits from my 2006, 2015, 2019 and 2021 articles on the subject, but there are one or two new bits as well. Apollyon.

From the desk of Katharine Viner (Editor). Not bad, Polly, but couldn't you have mentioned the fact that Christianity was invented by bronze age goatherds like C.S. Lewis (I think it was)? Love, Kathy.

Eccles just can't be bothered

There are too many villains, idiots and heretics in the world, and how can I possibly keep up? Perhaps I should have a month or two off blogging, and let the world continue to satirize itself.

The dreaded Huq the Rupa.

In Victorian London, many innocent boys and girls were slaughtered on a daily basis. In an attempt to stop the flow of little corpses, men and women would aggressively pray outside abortion clinics, using the offensive words "Hail Mary, full of grace...", and desperately trying to save innocent lives.

But London was a dangerous place to pray, and in those foggy streets, people dreaded the sinister tread-tread-tread that denoted the approach of Huq the Rupa...

The USA's captain for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup hits a server with his crozier.

With their sacking of Fr Weinandy, for the offence of being confused by Pope Francis and scandalized by his bishops (isn't everyone?), the USCCB made it clear that they were expecting to field a strong team for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup.

Captain of a team that includes Farrell, Tobin, Wuerl and Dolan, Cardinal Blase expects his boys to meet some tough opponents, such as Rhino Marx's Germans, the Belgians, the Italians, and the Maltese. "But we'll show them that we can distort Catholic teaching with the best of them!" said the cardinal defiantly.

Let's consign Simon Jenkins to history.

The churches, the British Legion, and in fact most decent people, have decided that now is the time to consign to history "Sir" Simon Jenkins, writer of tedious and badly wrong Guardian articles.

"Sir Simon was essentially a 20th century phenomenon," said one commentator. "His views never did make much sense, but now that he apparently believes that we should drop Remembrance Day, it is really time to send him off to the Dunrantin Retirement Home for Potty Journalists."

Sir Simon today was unrepentant. "Since we have had no wars anywhere in the world since 1945 - well I haven't seen any in my agreeable mansions, apart from when my first wife left - it is clear that there is nothing to remember any longer. As I always say on November 11th 'Let me forget!'"

Sorry, Salman, the game's up. Go and read a good book instead.

Next, the third Global Atheist Convention, planned for Melbourne in 2018, has been cancelled for lack of interest. It looked like being a real humdinger of an event with Salman Rushdie (gosh, is he still alive?) talking about the book he wants to sell, and Richard Dawkins (yes, we know he's alive) talking about, er, the book he wants to sell. And with everyone trying to avoid mentioning God.

When the news was broken to Professor Dawkins, he said "It's all over with atheism. And I was hoping to stock up on duty-free honey. But Bin Laden has won."

And finally, the CofE approves of little girls pretending to be boys.

Do atheists make the best Christians?

On this blog we have long been admirers of Cardinal Blase Cupich, as he exemplifies one important principle:

You don't need to have intelligence, faith or theological insight to rise to the position of Prince of the Church (and possibly even Pope - wouldn't that be fun?)

So we were impressed by his recent statement that some of the best Christians are atheists:

As is usual in Vatican circles these days, rejecting Christ's teaching is the way to advancement. Clearly we should bin Matthew 33:37-38.

Jesus said to him: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment.

However, in Cupichianity, Love means never having to say "I believe you exist"; so we can skip this commandment (greatest and first? Ha!) and go straight onto the second about loving your neighbour - perhaps calling him a "witless worm", or a "neurotic", or even a "self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagian", depending on your personal taste.

"I can see lots of great Christians with my new glasses!"

Anyway, it's a great relief to us all that you can go straight to Heaven - which doesn't exist of course - by being "good" and "conducting yourself well". Perhaps by working for three hours a week for charity? Choose a modern charity such the British Pregnancy Advisory Service - or Planned Parenthood if you are in the States.

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In other news, Professor Massimo Faggioli has written a fascinating article for the Catholic Herald explaining that he identifies as an ice-cream salesman.

Accordingly, we are pleased to show you an exclusive photo of Professor Faggioli selling some theology to Cardinal Marx.

"Now to understand Amoris Laetitia you need the code book, the breeder's guide, and some Vatican II documents..."

Be nice to atheists at Easter

For once, an ecumenical post - no digs at Anglicans, Lutherans, Orthodox, etc. Not even Fr James Martin SJ. We're all in this together, folks.

Twitter is not the world - there are rumours that those things walking down the street are also human. If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? If you poison them, do they not die? (If you get into trouble testing this theory, I accept no responsibility.) Still, if the real world is anything like Twitter, there are a lot of very unhappy atheists wandering around at present.

An intellectual giant among atheists, seen in happier times.

The problem is, that there are two big celebrations going on this week:

1. Jesus Christ rising from the dead. Mankind redeemed. Life suddenly has a meaning.

or

2. Bunny rabbits. Chocolate eggs. Er, that's it. This is what my life has been leading up to.

So if you're stuck at party (2) and you see people at party (1). What do you do? Why you get cross and say things like:

Of course Jesus never existed. Or, if he did exist, his message was "Enjoy yourselves, folks" and he was probably an atheist. Nah nah nah, you never see accounts of the Resurrection written by people who said it didn't happen! Children are brainwashed. Tee, hee, hee, why shouldn't I choose Thor or the (ho, ho, ho) flying spaghetti monster instead?

This is the real alternative to Christianity, but it may be tactless to mention it.

I love that last argument. Suppose you want to go from London to Edinburgh? There are many wrong ways to do this:

1. Take the M23 to Brighton, then drive into the sea.

2. Get on a Circle Line train and go round and round until you are thrown off.

3. Take a United Airlines flight to New York. If you can.

4. Sit in a dark cupboard moaning "Edinburgh doesn't exist."

Since there are 99999 wrong ways to get to Edinburgh, this PROVES that there is no right way. Anyone you see driving up the A1, taking a train at King's Cross, or taking a flight advertised as going to Edinburgh, is just a deluded fool who believes in sky fairies / invisible friends / whatever the latest insult is.

Of course this place doesn't really exist!

For once, Richard Dawkins doesn't seem to have joined the atheists' grayling and gnashing of teeth about Easter. These days his atheism seems to be less obsessive than his dislike of Brexit, Trump, Muslims etc. and advertising some ghastly tour of the States that he is making - perhaps he is having second thoughts in his old age?

Anyway, have a happy Easter, dear grumpy atheists. Remember, this is the choice that faces you:

Peter and John heading for the biggest event in history.

OR

The second-biggest event in history.

2+2=4: is it a matter of faith?

Although it seems to provide the answer to many questions of life, and although many holy witnesses have testified to its truth, we have to admit that in the end the assertion "2+2=4" is simply a matter of faith. There is a powerful counter-argument, used by atheists, which goes something like: "There are innumerable answers to the question 'What is 2+2?', including '4', '42', and 'a banana'. Why should I believe any of them? I'm only disbelieving in one more answer than you do! Ain't I clever?"

In fact many atheists do believe that 2+2=4 and are very angry with this, pointing out that it does not provide an easy solution to all the evils of the world (war, disease, famine, John Bercow, etc.)

An atheist, angry with the number 4.

On the other hand, Christian leaders have been accused of silence over the question. Although the pope's encyclical Laudato Si' does quote Christ's words "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?" it says little about the obvious corollary "Are not ten sparrows sold for four pennies?" which has been a fundamental tenet of Catholic teaching right from the start.

Worse than this is the general "Don't care" attitude of such as Cardinals Dolan ("Just give me 24 blackbirds baked in a pie") and Nichols ("Are they gay sparrows? If not, then I don't care how many there are.")

Certainly "2+2=4" is a matter of faith. Whitehead and Russell wrote a big book with no jokes in, called Principia Mathematica, in which they proved that 1+1=2, but for them the fundamental question of 2+2 was something unknowable.

Of course, this could just be one big joke.

The Sola Scriptura types tend to believe that 2+2=4, on the basis of holy writ alone. They point to the King James Shakespeare, with its dogmatic assertion "Two of both kinds make up four" in A Midsummer Night's Dream. However, this is post-reformation writing, and not universally accepted as holy writ.

Still, Dawkins does have a point about there being other possible answers, some of which are absurd. For example, the Muslims have their own answer to 2+2, which generally involves fighting anyone who disagrees with them. Moreover, they regard the number 4 as "unclean".

"2+2=DRINK" says Imam Jaq.

Then again, climatologists tell us that 2+2=4, but predict that it will rise to 4.5 within a few years, dooming us all to destruction. In fact, this theory is not all that different from the Christian viewpoint that Jesus will come again in glory to tell us the answers to all our sums. Once again science and religion come to broadly similar conclusions....

Another theological question that stumps atheists: how many beans make five?

How to understand atheists

Broadly speaking, there are three kinds of atheists: trolls, obsessives, and ignorant people. Curiously, most of them use the same catchphrases when debating, so it is not always easy to tell them apart. Having encountered a few of them yesterday, I think I am ready to explain how we more intelligent and well-informed people can help them.

You believe in sky fairies!

Mentioning "sky fairies" or "invisible friends" is a sure sign of a troll who has made no attempt to understand what it is that Christians believe in. Other good terms of abuse are "men in dresses" (actually, having gatecrashed the Vatican changing-rooms, I can reveal that most priests wear trousers under their vestments) and the old favourite "all made up by bronze-age goatherds", as if it were not possible for philosophers and goatherds to live at the same time. Remember, that Richard Dawkins wrote a thesis on the behaviour of chickens, and may thus be described as a plastic-age chicken-herd. That's him sorted.

"You believe in talking snakes."

The "talking snake" refutation of all Christian thinking goes as follows: "Snakes can't talk. Therefore the Bible is fiction. So Jesus never existed. I win."

Either your atheist has read the Bible as far as the Garden of Eden story and then stopped, or else has lifted this argument straight from the works of Richard Dawkins. It doesn't occur to him or her that a God who made Heaven and Earth could easily endow a snake with the power of speech (or perform any other miracle, such as the Virgin Birth). That's what omnipotence is all about, you see. Nor does it occur to him that it is not necessary to believe in the literal truth of the Genesis story to realise that it has a meaning. You know, the Fall of Man, that sort of thing.

Worse than that, your atheist believes that Christians DO NOT KNOW that snakes can't talk. Not being trained scientists (although many are), Christians are not able to understand this simple fact. It must be true that Augustine and Aquinas - of whom your atheist probably hasn't even heard - went through life talking to snakes and wondering why they didn't reply.

"Bad things happen. So God doesn't exist and I hate Him."

This is of course the "Stephen Fry" version of atheism. Stephen Fry is not entirely dim - a 2.1 from Cambridge must be nearly as good as a 2.1 from Oxford - but he does seem to be woefully ignorant. After a lifetime of reading quiz answers off little cards and getting an undeserved reputation for being the biggest genius who ever lived, Fry is apparently unable to deal with any concept that requires more than a little card to explain. Again, he thinks that nobody before him has ever worried about why God permits death and disease, or even about why He permits every single radio and television programme to be infested by a certain charmless bore who thinks bad language is funny.

"You eat shellfish, and so it's perfectly OK for me to have sex with anyone I wish.

Yes, it's another poorly-informed atheist, or maybe just a troll or an obsessive. No, Christians aren't bound by the dietary laws of Leviticus, they've been explicitly superseded by the New Covenant. Yes, murder, adultery, theft, and the like are still considered to be wrong. I don't think I can face explaining this one again: come back when you've read some of the New Testament.

An atheist (reading Eccles's blog, as it happens).

One final argument goes something like this: "All right, then. The Bible isn't historical, because all the people who contributed to it believed in God. Why don't we have some accounts of Jesus's life, death and resurrection written by eye-witnesses who were atheists? You suppressed those, didn't you?" Somehow, I think it's not really necessary to answer that one.

Are atheists more handsome?

After failing to convince people that atheists were statistically more intelligent than "faith-heads" - which of course would instantly prove that all religion was a load of rubbish - Prof. Richard Dawkins has come up with another devastating argument for his beliefs. Yes, it seems that atheists are more handsome than religious people.

A typically handsome atheist.

We should contrast the above picture with one of a typically ugly Christian. Whoever I choose, I am going to be told off for a lack of gallantry, so let's pick the lovely Dena O'Callaghan, billed as a "woman Catholic priest", whatever that may be.

Dena - she has the Dr Who scarf, but she wasn't chosen as an assistant.

The aesthetic argument does not exhaust the wide array of anti-God logic that Richard Dawkins has at his disposal. Statistically, atheists are better athletes and better cooks, they win more prizes for vegetable marrows at country fairs, and of course they tell funnier jokes.

A giant atheist marrow, probably. (Someone please check!)

Says Dawkins: "Christians, Muslims, Jews and the rest are very much stuck in the dark ages. Many of them can't even read. Trust me, I'm a retired professor of zoology and I know about these things."

A typical Christian - wrote the Bible, but knew nothing of genetics.

However, Richard Dawkins's latest comments to his millions of adoring fans are starting to irritate even moderate atheists. Said one, "Clearly, Christians are uglier and less intelligent than atheists, with the possible exception of Giles Fraser. No Guardian-reader would ever disagree! But when Richard says that they smell funny, refuse to change their socks, and break wind in public, it is hard to translate this into a direct argument for the non-existence of God."

Hmm, there's a funny smell in here. Can it be one of those Christians?

Atheists to issue nude calendar

Following the water attack on Archbishop André-Joseph Léonard of Mechelen-Brussels, by topless "Femen" protestors from Kiev, unwilling to tolerate Catholic teaching on homosexuality (and probably almost everything else), atheists have decided that the best way to get their message across is to strip off. The first Atheists' Nude Calendar is already being prepared.

Archbishop! Buy our calendar!

Said a prominent atheist, Prof. Brian Cox of Manchester: "The production of J/ψ mesons is studied in pp collisions at √s=7 TeV with the CMS experiment at the LHC. The measurement is based on a dimuon sample corresponding to an integrated luminosity of 314 nb⁻¹. The J/ψ differential cross section is determined, as a function of the J/ψ transverse momentum, in three rapidity ranges.

Which basically means, 'If I strip off it will persuade more people to take me seriously.'"

Brian Cox, March's Calendar Boy.

Of course, female atheists are also anxious to contribute their charms to the cause of denying God in the home. Said Polly Toynbee of the Guardian, "Recently, I haven't been stripping off so much, but I am allowing the producers of the calendar to use an old photo taken in my wilder student days."

Polly Toynbee (Miss December) in her student days.

Another exhibitionist, er, I mean selfless contributor to the cause of atheism, is Stephen Fry, who posted on Twitter: Whooooooooooooop!!!!! Life is so rich and varied. Lovely Stephen, you're a naughty boy! Bless!

Stephen Fry (August), also posted his bathtime video on Youtub.

But what of Richard Dawkins, the "Unholy Father" of British atheists? Will he be baring all for the sake of persuading people that God does not exist? No, so far he is remaining modestly covered up, to the annoyance of his fellow-atheists. Some people are just shy and self-conscious, don't you find?

Even when he goes swimming, Richard keeps his shirt on.

So far it seems unlikely that any Christian organizations will be producing a rival nude calendar, although Giles Fraser has declared himself "willing to strip off if the money's good enough."