How to resign as head of your church

Mostly on this blog we content ourselves with giving advice on "How to be a good pope" - and you can see the results! However, the Catholic Church can learn something from the Anglicans (apart from useful advice on how to take over other people's church property, how to mess around with the Bible, and how to ordain lesbians). So let's see what we can learn from the dignified resignation of Justin Welby, sometimes called the Archbishop of Canterbury.

"I confess that one of us has sinned. Not me, of course."

It could not happen in the Catholic Church, but suppose you, as head of your church/ ecclesial community/ cult/ coven were revealed to have have protected people guilty of sex crimes. One day the outcry will be too great, and you won't have popesplainers imamsplainers primatesplainers to protect you. So you stand up and make a speech.

Here are some useful tips on how to do this. They can also be useful if you go into the confessional.

* Tell weak jokes. This is always a good move. "I say, I say, I say, Father. I've just killed my parents. Go gently with me, as I am an orphan."

Pause for laughter. Not a sausage. Oh well, carry on.

* Don't take any blame. "I regret, Father, than some grievous sins have been committed by members of the church to which I belong." Don't add "It was me, in fact."

* Another tasteless joke. "They say that heads must roll. Let me tell you a joke about the archbishop whose head was used as a football. You'll laugh, I know you will!"

* Finally, make yourself out to be a martyr. "It was inevitable that someone should suffer for these sins, and it had to be me. Now all I have left is a fat pension and a book deal for my memoirs."

The bishopess of London cannot stop giggling.

Vicar of St John Lateran apologises for Aztec Service

The vicar of the Basilica of St John Lateran, Rome, has expressed his "profound regret" that an Aztec service of human sacrifice was celebrated on the main altar on Tuesday, contrary to church law.

A Novus Ordo Aztec Sacrifice.

The service, conducted by Bishop Bakerhuatl and his colleague the beautiful Bishop Mullalotl, used the standard "Novus Ordo" Aztec liturgy out of consideration of Catholic sensibilities. Said Cardinal Roche on hearing of the event, "Well, at least it wasn't an Extraordinary Form Sacrifice conducted in Latin!"

Church Law is very strict about which religions can use the Basilica of St John Lateran. For example, Anglican ceremonies would also be forbidden; this is because the Anglicans already use many churches that were built by Catholics for Catholics, and they have to be watched carefully in case they try to appropriate some more.

"Do you think they'll notice if we change the locks on this church as well?"

The vicar explained that the Aztec service was permitted on account of a "miscommunication". That is, Bishop Bakerhuatl made a friendly phone call asking how St John Lateran was coping with the latest dictates from Arthur Roche and was told "We must all make sacrifices these days". He naturally understood this as an instruction to go ahead.

Staff from Guinness World Records are rushing to Rome to confirm that an apology has actually taken place. "If so, it will be the first apology we've received from the Vatican since 2013," explained one staff member.

Addendum:

False communications to be rebranded as jokes

In the UK (and probably other countries) legislation is being formulated to prevent false communications on social media - you know, statements like "Covid-19 is best treated with a dish of prunes and custard", "Vaccines make children big and strong", "Joe Biden is a Catholic". These may even be punished by a term in prison.

As it stands, even joking could be punished. No more "While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How it got into my pyjamas I'll never know." Unless it really happened.

The answer is simple, of course. All false statements are to be rebranded as jokes, usually introduced with "I say, I say, I say!"

I say, I say, I say, this is a real bishop!

Catholics have seized on this with alacrity. Whenever Pope Francis stands up to speak, there will be a loud chorus of "I say, I say, I say!" alerting people that a new piece of doctrine joke is expected.

"Dico, dico, dico, no one can exclude themselves from the Church, we are all saved sinners!"

This device will also be useful when we look at statements from the German Synodesynodesynodekartoffelsalatsynodesynode, their own Synod about Synods about Synods...

"Ich sage, ich sage, ich sage! Let's get the Church to bless homosexual couples!"

So the panic is over. You can what you like, provided that you brand it as a joke. This lets Boris Johnson, Keir Starmer, Nicola Sturgeon, Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau (fill in your own names here) off the hook, as nobody will take them seriously.

"I say, I say, I say, horses really appreciate LGBT propaganda!"

Of course everything you see on this blog is simply the complete and unvarnished truth, so we shall not be using the "I say, I say, I say" formula. Others are not so lucky...

A Morecambe and Wise tribute act: the tall one with glasses and the little one with short fat hairy legs.