The trial of Pope Francis

Cardinal Luis Ladaria, Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith: Jorge Mario Bergoglio, alias the Bishop of Rome, alias Pope Francis, alias Peter, alias 'Umble Frank, you are charged with heresy...

Omnes: ...on three counts: heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action - *four* counts.

Ladaria: If there are any more quotations from Monty Python, I shall clear the court. Anyway, where is the defendant?

Guilty or not guilty?

Defence Counsel (Austen Ivereigh QC, Fellow in Contemptible Church History at Campion Hall, Oxford, author of Pope Francis, the Great Redeemer): The Messiah is unable to be here, My Lord, as he does not know of the charges and wouldn't answer them if he did.

Aidan Nichols OP: He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty Pope...

Ladaria: I'm warning you...

Nichols: I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition... oh, well never mind.

Ladaria: Since I am indeed Spanish, I'll let you off with that one. Now, what evidence do you wish to present, Fr Nichols?

Nichols: Amoris Laetitia, the Pope Francis book of insults, 200 reports of very dubious behaviour from LifeSite, etc., wielding this finely-crafted stang, covering up sex crimes, driving the popemobile like a maniac, misbehaving every time he takes an airline flight, contradicting all Catholic doctrine since the 1st century, illegally taking over the Order of Malta, ...

[2 hours later]

Nichols: ... and appointing that compete and utter villain Cupich as a Cardinal.

Ladaria: Serious charges indeed. Does the defence have anything to say?

Ivereigh: Pope Francis is literally Christ, and this is the scribes' fault.

A charge of blasphemy against Dr Ivereigh?

Fr Hunwicke: Better sell your shares in Bergoglio PLC, Austen, they're rapidly becoming worthless.

Massimo Faggioli (screaming): These complaints are all the work of extremists. All the students in my class agree with me - at least the ones who passed did.

Deacon Donnelly: You're just jealous because Fr Nichols is a better theologian than you.

Tina Beattie: Aaagggh! It's Deacon Nick, my mortal enemy. [Faints]

Michael Winters of the Fishwrap: Deep down, the accusers know that Pope Francis is right when he tries to change Catholic doctrine on a daily basis.

Stephen Walford, author of Pope Francis is right even when he's wrong: Exactly, Catholic doctrine is nothing more nor less than what the pope of the day says it is.

The Spanish Inquisition reaches its verdict.

Ladaria: This doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. Does anyone have anything to say, apart from ad hominem attacks?

Jimmy Akin (who he?): None of the signatories to this letter have doctorates in the relevant fields of canon law or sacred theology. Therefore they aren't as clever as I am. My verdict is that the accusations don't amount to heresy.

Ivereigh: Of course not! (To stockbroker on phone): Don't sell the shares just yet.

Nichols: Well, we should perhaps have said apostate, heterodox, dissenter, heresiarch, nonconformist, protestant, schismatic, outcast, separatist...

Ladaria: I've had enough of this. Pope Francis, wherever you may be, I find you not guilty. But don't do it again. Er... who's going to tell him?

Spadaro: Tell him? We don't tell him these things. He hasn't even heard about the Dubia yet!

The Dictator Apostle

Jerusalem, A.D. 33. Ecclesiam reports.

I've just been reading "The Dictator Apostle" by Marcus Antonius, alias the historian Henry the Sire-enian, who is very critical of Jorgas Iscarglio, one of the 12 Apostles.

Many people, notably St Stephen of Walford, keeper of the piano keys, would claim that Iscarglio, as an apostle, is beyond criticism. After all, he was appointed by Jesus Himself and given authority to cast out evil spirits (e.g. Jesuits) and to cure diseases. However, the reality suggests that somehow the St Galilee Mafia fixed it for Jorgas to get the job, and his Apostleship will lead to disaster.

He's not the Messiah, he's just a very naughty apostle.

Criticisms of Iscarglio, the "Argentinian" apostle, centre on his aggressive and dictatorial nature, his dodgy financial transactions (involving an unexplained donation of 30 pieces of silver), his attempts to rewrite Christian teaching on marriage, his refusal to discuss doctrine with his dubious colleagues, even his encouragement of Cardinal Maccabees the serial sex-criminal.

Like his Master, Jorgas consorts with publicans and sinners, but unlike Him he tells them "Keep it up, you're doing a grand job. Who am I to judge?" When one notorious sinner, Bono the Tuneless, came to see him, explaining that he was pro-abortion, and was backed by a very dodgy group, Iscarglio merely replied, "U2?"

Attempts are already being made to declare Jorgas a saint.

Henry the Sire-enian believes it will end badly for Jorgas, and he may be right.

Sherlock Holmes and the Dictator Pope

Not many of my readers will know that my friend Sherlock Holmes was a faithful Catholic: it is true that, having been brought up by Jesuits, he neither attended church nor obeyed Catholic moral teaching, but this should not be held against him.

Many will remember his epigram about "The curious incident of the cardinal in the night - the cardinal did nothing in the night, that was the curious incident," referring to the Archbishop of Westminster's failure to give any kind of a moral lead on Catholic teaching. As a result of this, and similar cases, Holmes was often consulted on delicate Catholic matters.

Thus, one morning, we were sitting in Baker Street discussing the new Encyclical Humanae Mortis, which had driven Holmes to inject himself with a seven percent solution of "coke" - the scientific name is "Coccopalmerio" - when our servant Mrs Beattie opened the door to admit a man dressed inconspicuously as a South American general.

Our illustrious client.

"Mr Holmes, I need your help," said our client. "A book has been written about, er, a friend of mine, and we need to trace the author in order to, um, pay him homage. The Swiss Guards are already standing by with torture implements."

"I am at your service, Holy Father," replied Holmes (to my gasps of "amazing, Holmes, how did you penetrate his disguise?") "Shall we go to Rome, and make enquiries?"

We took Pope Francis's private jet to Rome, and the flight passed quickly, since our client remained standing throughout the journey, developing new Catholic doctrines "off the cuff": these will one day astound and delight the world. That evening, Holmes and I settled into an apartment in the Vatican. Holmes took out his violin as an aid to concentration and played a haunting arrangement of Stephen Walford's renowned concerto for piano and Balinese nose-flute (with its famous marking "Play whatever the Pope wants").

After two or three minutes the door opened and an African cardinal strode in. "SILENCE!" he bellowed angrily, and threw a book at my companion's head, stunning him slightly.

"... so many noisy popes..." (paragraph 40)

Once I had bandaged his head, Holmes and I made a tour of the building. We were standing outside Cardinal Coccopalmerio's apartment when we heard impassioned cries of "No! Yes! YES! YES! YES!"

"I see that they are working on an answer to the Dubia," I remarked to Holmes. He gave me a funny look that I did not understand, and began to analyse the mystery we were trying to solve.

"Watson, my theory is that the book The Dictator Pope was not written by the real Marcantonio Colonna, as he has been dead since 1584. More likely, it was written by a liberal Catholic, tired of trying to defend the Pope's obvious failings."

"I have an alibi. I am dead."

"Amazing, Holmes. Could it be Spadaro? Ivereigh (no, it's too well-written)? Massimo Faggioli? James Martin (no, there's no obsession with homosexuality)? Rosica?"

"These are deep matters, Watson, and perhaps I am wrong. But the case presents interesting features. For example, why is the book produced only electronically, and not on paper? Did Cardinal Baldisseri steal all the printed copies?"

Putting on his liturgical deer-stalker, Holmes led me into Mass, where Cardinal Paradigm was going to preach about Parolin Shifts in Amoris Laetitia. To me it sounded like complete heresy, but then Homes explained that this sort of nonsense was necessary if a cardinal wished to be considered papabile, and Cardinal Paradigm probably didn't believe half of what he was saying.

"We have found the man who stole the Pope's vestments" announced Holmes.

To be continued?

Why the Pope is right about everything

What I did in my holidays, by Stephen Rex Mottram Walford, aged 9.

In my holidays I went to Rome to talk to the Pope, who is a big fat man who is always right about everything. They say he is "incorrigible", which means that it is impossible to correct him, because he is always right. He's also got a Magisterium, which means that nobody can ever ever say he's wrong or the smoke of Satan will choke them to death. Cor lumme!

"They were sold out of 666 shirts."

"What do you do, little boy?" the Pope asked me.

"I play the piano," I said.

"Oh, you tickle the Ivereighs?"

At that moment a small man with silly glasses who was cleaning the Pope's shoes with his tongue looked up sharply.

"Oh sorry, Austen, I wasn't referring to you," said my friend the Pope. "Don't worry."

"They tell me that one of my cardinals is on the fiddle," he continued. "It's traditional for this to happen while Rome burns. Perhaps you can do a duet with him."

The Pope told me that he is directly appointed by God, who is a big man with a beard. This is why everything he says is right, and if you disagree with him you are a nasty nasty dissenter, and will go to Hell, which is a nasty place a bit like Luton, and you will never again be invited to tea with the Pope.

I think this may be God.

"So you see, my lad, if I want to repeal Curriculum Vitae, which is something Pope Paul VI wrote, then I can do so, and you know I am right. The same goes for those bits of the New Testament that aren't very popular."

"What happens if another Pope comes along later and says something different?" I asked, for I am only nine years old and the Pope is a lot older than I am. So I may have to come and worship a new Pope.

The Pope said something under his breath which I didn't understand because I am only nine years old, but it ended with the word "SARAH!". Then he spat on the floor, which Mummy tells me is rude, unless a Pope does it, when it is the Will of the Lord.

I think I understand now that a new Pope can say that Pope Francis was wrong, but the Holy Spirit will make sure that he doesn't. Only Pope Francis can say that someone else was wrong. This is called Theology, and I was told to ask our teacher Mr Faggioli to explain it. We call him "Beans" in Year 6.

The Pope took me to see the Sistine Chapel, which is a big room with funny paintings on the ceiling. He told me that his adviser Father James Martin had recommended that it should be repainted with rainbow-coloured stripes, as that is more welcoming to gay people. Mummy says being gay is sinful, but Mummy is rigid, and Pope Francis says we should get rid of her. Maybe my father can divorce her and marry Fräulein Kasper from next door, as that is what is recommended in the world's greatest book Amorous Lascivia.

Cardinal Maradiaga says he knows a man who will offer him a good price for these paintings. No questions asked.

Anyway, it was very nice meeting Pope Francis who is always right, and he is not at all like it says in the very rude book The Dictator Pope. I was with him for an hour, and he didn't send anyone to the torture chambers, so that proves he is merciful as well as always right, doesn't it?

---

Very good, Stephen! You really do understand the consequences of Vatican II.
M. Faggioli.