The next Pope

The Rome correspondent Edward Pentin has written a book detailing some possible successors of Pope Francis in the Chair of St Peter. Not that Pope F is likely to quit soon, since he still has a huge pile of Dubia to answer - the latest one from Cardinal Zen asks bluntly "Are you mad or bad?" (a difficult question to answer). Also, the Pope's health is excellent - he works out every day in the martial art of Pappaslappa - so it is likely that he will live to be 100.

Rather than go for a "runners and riders" approach, let's detail some of the qualities that the next Pope must have, and see where that takes us.

Getting down wiv da yoof.

The Church needs more young people, and the way to bring them in is to forget dusty old notions such as God, but instead appeal to their interests, namely sex, drugs, dancing and listening to rock music. A Pope who can tell his Elvis Lennon from his John Presley is what we really need!

Someone forceful.

Nobody wants to think that their Holy Father is being manipulated by sinister forces, so is it not better to put the sinister forces in charge? That way we know where we are.

Someone who can make changes.

The German Church, imbued by the Spirit of Vatican III, not to mention Vatican IV, is showing us the way in dogmatic changes, and so a senior German cardinal, filled with the spirit of sauerkraut, kartoffelsalat and bier, would make an excellent leader for the Church as it heads for the cliff edge.

Is it time for a do-nothing Pope?

After all the excitement of Pope Francis's reign, maybe the Church needs a period of consolidation, with a Pope who has nothing to say, and nothing to do. Modern technology means that the next Pope may just be a cardboard cutout, programmed to give the occasional blessing. And who can say no to that?

A financial wizard?

The Vatican finances are rather dodgy at present, so perhaps it is time to forget evangelisation, saving souls, and sound doctrine. Instead we need to concentrate on building up a huge bank balance, and so it is time to appoint someone who knows all about amassing the stuff in sackfuls.

A safe pair of hands.

The Catholic Church should always be looking to the past, and perhaps it is time to elect someone who, although 87 already, can be relied upon to preach all the values of the swinging 60s, when the Church was reborn. It doesn't matter too much if the new Pope is barking mad, provided that he is there as a figurehead reminding us of our glorious past.

AND FINALLY...

Why not elect three Popes at once?

The Magnificent Eight

We have reached the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, and some real giants of the sport have fallen by the wayside. We say a tearful farewell to Baldisseri, Dolan, Schönborn, Wuerl, and several others who keep this blog going by their comic antics.

Still, we have the last eight, and a cracking set of cardinals they are. Looking for drugs, homosexual affairs, embezzlement, or simply persistent and dangerous heresy? Well you won't find them here, just eight papabile princes of the church. (Thank you for writing these comments for me, Fr Spadaro.)

So the draw is as follows:

1. Walter Kasper v Oscar Maradiaga.

RESULT: 64-36. Oscar "The cash of God" Maradiaga played well, but the veteran player Wally Kasper, with a lifetime of heretical experience to call on, won through fairly easily.

2. Reinhard Marx v Luis Tagle.

RESULT: 79-21. Class and experience win over Yoof-ful ambition as Rhino Marx crushes Chico the hipster to reach the semi-finals.

3. Blase Cupich v Godfried Danneels.

RESULT: 65-35. The glory days of the Sankt Gallen Mafia are over as "Godless" Danneels drops out, beaten by Cupich, the expert on rabbit holes and great pal of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.

4. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Joseph Tobin.

RESULT: 69-31. We say "Nighty-night, baby" to Joe Tobin, as Cardinal Cocco snatches the last semi-final place (C will not be asked to take a drugs test).

As usual, MAY THE WORST MAN WIN!

Fans are already getting very excited at the prospect of the final round of this competition, which begins on February 5th. Remember that some of the cardinals have been training for months, taking advice from such experts in Catholicism as Professor Massimo Faggioli, Fr Thomas Rosica, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and Fr Dan Horan of Babylon.

From the street outside Eccles towers we hear all-night cries of "Nighty-night, baby!" and "Who wants some cocaine?" competing with "The money was resting in my account before being moved on" and some humble finger-snapping dances. The eight "barmy armies" (fan clubs) are out in force, but only one cardinal can ultimately win. We are ready to release the Smoke of Satan from the Vatican chimneys when we know who that is!

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UPDATE: the semi-finals are:

1. Blase Cupich v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 50.4-49.6. Every vote counted, and in the end Cupich goes to the abuse summit confident of his place in the final. Wally fought back hard, with attacks on Müller's explanation of Catholic teaching, but in the end sheer vileness triumphed over a lifetime devoted to heresy.

2. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 39-61. Knowing that Pope Francis was cheering him on, Rhino easily crushed the man with the lampshade on his head, and he goes into the final. This week's abuse summit will be an opportunity for the two finalists to show their talents before next week's FINAL.

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Now, boys, I want a clean fight! Cupich and Marx discuss their prospects in the final.

UPDATE: the third place playoff:

Francesco Coccopalmerio v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 28-72. The veteran Kasper won this easily. Cocco's one well-known moment of extreme vice wasn't enough for him to make much impact on a man whose whole life has been devoted to destroying the Catholic Church. Bronze medal for Wally!

The FINAL: Blase Cupich v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 61-39. In the end a crushing victory for the Chicago boy: Pope Francis's backing at the abuse summit clearly helped to swing it for him. Marx's own performance was lacklustre, and it almost seems that he didn't want the trophy.

Finally, the medallists.

The 10 Commandments of Pope Francis

1. I am the Lord Francis, successor of Jesus Christ (in the words of the prophet Napier, the Vatican News, and others). Thou shalt obey me. And that includes thee, Viganò, wherever thou art hiding.

And no graven images unless they actually look like me!

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord Francis in vain. In particular any blog that saith "Look what this clown hath done now" shall be refused the new "APPROVED CATHOLIC BLOG" award, and so people will take it less seriously than Salt and Light, America, the Tablet, the National Catholic Reporter, La Civiltà Cattolica, etc.

3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. Watch my show on television. That way, even if thou dost not make it to Heaven, thou canst still watch it on television.

4. Honour thy father and mother. Or thy father and father. Or mother and mother. Or whatever differently-ordered family thou mayst have. Better still, honour thy Holy Father, as nothing else really matters. See that thou dost not trouble him with Dubia - thou shalt receive no answer, anyway.

5. Thou shalt not kill. The death penalty hath been declared inadmissible. On the other hand, if thou art Emma Bonino or another good friend of Francis the God, then thou mayst slaughter babies with a clear conscience.

An excerpt from the sacred work Amoris Laetitia.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou hast a clear plan ahead, including discernment, accompaniment, gradualism, and conscience. Don't worry too much about this. See the footnotes at the bottom of these stone tablets.

7. Thou shalt not steal, although thou mayst perform dodgy financial transactions with other people's money. For do not some of my most trusted cardinals do this? (The money was resting in my account! OM)

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. Actually, thou shalt not bear true witness against thy neighbour, either, lest thou be called "The great accuser".

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or live-in partner, boyfriend, or anyone to whom he saith "Nighty-night, baby. I love you." (Hands off, I saw him first! JT)

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods. And that includes coveting his papal office, his humble five-star apartment, his popemobile, and his "I AM INFALLIBLE" tee-shirt. These are going to Cupich when I rise to Heaven, so buzz off, the rest of you!

Two notorious coveters.

How to brush off a papal scandal

This is the latest instalment in our long-running series "How to be a good pope", intended especially for those of our readers who one day get a tap on the shoulder, and a "Congratulations, Cardinal Imbroglio, here are the keys to Heaven, the Vatican Bank, and Cardinal Cocainepusher's apartment. Now, have a nice day!"

It may happen one day that you are taking a little holiday in Ireland, when a scandal breaks. Archbishop Figaro, whom you never liked, has produced a testimony which, if true, would require your instant resignation.

"The seminarian was just resting in my bed, Frank."

The central allegation concern a chap called "Uncle Fred", who is one of your best mates, but has been caught with his vestments down. Your predecessor had slapped his wrists and prescribed a regime of cold showers and no contact with vulnerable people, but you decided to kiss him better and restore him to the sybaritic luxury that we expect of a Prince of the Church. Oops!

Your first step is to say nothing. This worked very well for the Dubia, and the jury is still out on whether Amorous Letitia is heretical or not - and you're not going to tell them! It also worked when you took the side of Boozelager against Feasting in the Order of Malt wars.

So what you say is: "I think the statement speaks for itself." This is good Jesuit-speak, as it can be interpreted both ways: either as a confession "It's a fair cop", or, if you can wriggle out of it, as "I ain't done nuffin'." Also try saying "Read that statement attentively and make your own judgment," which should muddy the waters enough for you to escape.

Remember, they will only carry you out of the Vatican feet first!

Next, send in the attack poodles! There are lots of nonentities who owe you a favour, like Austin Powers, author of "Pope Frank, the saviour of the universe"; or Fr Rosie from the Satan Lite Corporation; you can rely on Fr Jim LGBTSJ to muddy the waters by confusing celibacy, chastity, and continence; Professor Beans will also blunder in with some choice theologian's insults. Now there's no use in denying anything in Archbishop Figaro's testimony. What the poodles must do is to bite Figaro in the ankles (metaphorically). Call him a terrorist, an extreme right-winger, fomenter of a crude putsch - why he must be LITERALLY HITLER.

Hmm, a day has passed, and that didn't work. Everyone is still expecting something from you. Send in the clowns! Soupy Supich will explain that you have FAR MORE IMPORTANT issues to deal with than mass homosexual rape - such as climate change and migrants. It's true that in your encyclical LOADA SH'T you did explain that we Catholics should no longer worry about Good and Evil, but Environmental issues instead. Oh, and ask Soupy to play the RACE CARD. What race are you? Oh, the same as Figaro? Well it doesn't matter, play it anyway.

Alice goes down a rabbit hole and meets the Supich Cat.

Oh look, Cardinal Maradona's back from counting the money hidden under his bed. He's worried because a journalist has been looking too closely into activities in his seminaries. Time for a sacking! No, not Maradona!! He's just complained that he's the victim of a 'hit man' who practises media harassment. Well, at least it wasn't sexual harassment, as in the seminaries! Get the journalist sacked!

It may be time for you to intervene, finally. No, you fool, not by answering Figaro's allegations! Pull yourself together, you'll end up answering the Dubia if you don't get a grip. So this is what you do:

Clutching at straws?

Remember to update the catechism on this very subject:

66666. Recourse to the use of plastic straws for the purpose of legitimate drinking, following a period of thirst, was long considered an appropriate response to the needs of the individual, and an acceptable, albeit extreme, means of transferring liquids to one's mouth.

Today, however, there is an increasing awareness that the value of the drink is not lost even if it is consumed by alternative methods. In addition, a new understanding has emerged of the significance of tilting glasses in order for their contents to fall out. Lastly, more effective systems of drinking have been developed, which ensure the due nourishment of thirsty citizens but, at the same time, do not definitively destroy the environment.

Consequently, the Church teaches, in the light of the Gospel, that “plastic straws are inadmissible because they are an attack on the inviolability and dignity of nature”, and she works with determination for their abolition worldwide.

Yes, that should work. Another good way of diverting attention is to play the "Where's Wuerly?" game.

Where's Wuerly?

One of your more embattled cardinals, Donna Wuerl, is expecting a knock on the door from the FBI. Make him disappear! As Baroness Orgy put it in The Scarlet Nincompoop: Is he in Heaven, is he in Hell? That demmed elusive Donna Wuerl! (Spoiler: he's in Rome, but won't be when they come looking for him!).

Well, that's all gone VERY WELL INDEED. By Sunday the crisis will be over. Ask Austin Powers. Ask Mickens Mouse. Ask Elizabeth Scalia the Pollyanna-chorus... Nothing to see here, let's move on.

Ten little cardinals

Ten little cardinals... or which one became Pope?

"Don't worry, you can lose weight by dancing with the Rockettes."

Ten little cardinals going out to dine;
One ate far too much and then there were nine.

"Nighty-night, Eccles baby! I love you."

Nine little cardinals sat up very late;
One said "Nighty-night!" and then there were eight.

"Never offend people by mentioning Catholic teaching, that's my motto!"

Eight little cardinals defending Alfie Evans;
One wasn't keen on this, and then there were seven.

"Fiddling? No, I'm a pianist."

Seven little cardinals playing dirty tricks;
One rigged a synod and then there were six.

"Hello, everyone, I've escaped again!"

Six little cardinals keeping faith alive;
One preferred to change it all, and then there were five.

"One of these days I really must get round to correcting Pope Francis."

Five little cardinals studied canon law;
One asked some Dubia and then there were four.

"Money makes the world go round. That's in the Bible somewhere."

Four little cardinals on a spending spree;
One made all the money go, and then there were three.

"I can't see any problems with the James Martin approach."

Three little cardinals building bridges new;
One asked James Martin’s help, and then there were two.

"Lutheran? Catholic? Who cares if they pay their Church Tax?"

Two little cardinals at Communion;
One joined the Protestants, and then there was one.

"Oh no, what's Pope Francis up to now?"

One little cardinal left silent and alone;
He became the next pope and then there were none.

Why the Pope is right about everything

What I did in my holidays, by Stephen Rex Mottram Walford, aged 9.

In my holidays I went to Rome to talk to the Pope, who is a big fat man who is always right about everything. They say he is "incorrigible", which means that it is impossible to correct him, because he is always right. He's also got a Magisterium, which means that nobody can ever ever say he's wrong or the smoke of Satan will choke them to death. Cor lumme!

"They were sold out of 666 shirts."

"What do you do, little boy?" the Pope asked me.

"I play the piano," I said.

"Oh, you tickle the Ivereighs?"

At that moment a small man with silly glasses who was cleaning the Pope's shoes with his tongue looked up sharply.

"Oh sorry, Austen, I wasn't referring to you," said my friend the Pope. "Don't worry."

"They tell me that one of my cardinals is on the fiddle," he continued. "It's traditional for this to happen while Rome burns. Perhaps you can do a duet with him."

The Pope told me that he is directly appointed by God, who is a big man with a beard. This is why everything he says is right, and if you disagree with him you are a nasty nasty dissenter, and will go to Hell, which is a nasty place a bit like Luton, and you will never again be invited to tea with the Pope.

I think this may be God.

"So you see, my lad, if I want to repeal Curriculum Vitae, which is something Pope Paul VI wrote, then I can do so, and you know I am right. The same goes for those bits of the New Testament that aren't very popular."

"What happens if another Pope comes along later and says something different?" I asked, for I am only nine years old and the Pope is a lot older than I am. So I may have to come and worship a new Pope.

The Pope said something under his breath which I didn't understand because I am only nine years old, but it ended with the word "SARAH!". Then he spat on the floor, which Mummy tells me is rude, unless a Pope does it, when it is the Will of the Lord.

I think I understand now that a new Pope can say that Pope Francis was wrong, but the Holy Spirit will make sure that he doesn't. Only Pope Francis can say that someone else was wrong. This is called Theology, and I was told to ask our teacher Mr Faggioli to explain it. We call him "Beans" in Year 6.

The Pope took me to see the Sistine Chapel, which is a big room with funny paintings on the ceiling. He told me that his adviser Father James Martin had recommended that it should be repainted with rainbow-coloured stripes, as that is more welcoming to gay people. Mummy says being gay is sinful, but Mummy is rigid, and Pope Francis says we should get rid of her. Maybe my father can divorce her and marry Fräulein Kasper from next door, as that is what is recommended in the world's greatest book Amorous Lascivia.

Cardinal Maradiaga says he knows a man who will offer him a good price for these paintings. No questions asked.

Anyway, it was very nice meeting Pope Francis who is always right, and he is not at all like it says in the very rude book The Dictator Pope. I was with him for an hour, and he didn't send anyone to the torture chambers, so that proves he is merciful as well as always right, doesn't it?

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Very good, Stephen! You really do understand the consequences of Vatican II.
M. Faggioli.

The Dictator Santa

The scandals surrounding Santa Claus show no signs of ending, and this week children were horrified to see that "Santa's Grotto" in the Rome branch of Vatico^TM featured a nude elf. Moreover, there were allegations of corruption at the North Pole, where Maradona the Gnome was rumoured to have had his hand of God in the till.

Did Santa really slap the heretic Fr James Arius SJ?

The public image of Santa Claus is of a perpetually cheerful man, and his recent exhortation Amo Risi Laetitiam ("I like the joy of laughter") contains many cheerful passages such as "Ho ho ho, ho ho ho" (ARL 1) and "I know if you've been bad or good, but if you've been bad don't worry, you'll still get Christmas presents" (ARL 351, Footnote). However, a new book The Dictator Santa suggests that behind his public image there lies a bad-tempered old curmudgeon who torments his reindeer and shouts at his elves.

How did Rudolph's nose get so red? Did Santa punch him?

At this most holy time of Santa Mass, we don't forget that the season has one true meaning - eat and drink too much, buy lots of expensive presents, and have a good time. So it seems churlish to attack the Holy Father Christmas, who symbolises everything that is important about December 25th.

Still, we should warn the faithful that questions are being raised about the leadership provided by the big man, and that something is rotten at the heart of the North Pole. Some say that the man who came down your chimney last night and kicked your cat is not to be trusted.

The College of Cardinals meets to elect a new Santa.

A happy Christmas to both my readers.