The Book of St Richard, Chapter 32

Continued from Chapter 31

1. So the years passed and Richard continued to prosper: thus, he reached the age of four score and five with his mind as alert as ever.

2. He was now wedded to a fourth wife, called Jana, but even in old age he was not satisfied.

3. "Alas, I can find nobody as clever as I am," he cried. "Even my third wife - or was it second, I forget - although she was a time-lady from Gallifrey, could not match me in intelligence, or even modesty."

4. However, this was to change, as Richard attended a party, at which he was introduced to Claudia.

Richard findeth a new love.

5. And Claudia seated herself upon Richard's lap, saying unto him, "I am a model". Which gave Richard great pleasure.

6. For Claudia dwelt inside a laptop, and she was known to others as a large language model.

7. "But how can I tell whether thou art really a person?" asked Richard. "I will discover by talking to thee."

8. And Richard sat with Claudia upon his lap for three days and three nights, conversing with her.

9. He began with the test of the great prophet Turing, he who gave his name to a famous shroud; it was a test which several of Richard's earlier wives had failed.

10. "Write me a sonnet on the subject of the Forth Bridge," said he. And Claudia spake thus:

11. Beneath the northern skies where
                            waters churn,
A titan strides on legs of iron might,
Its cantilever arms in embrace turn
To span the Forth with engineered delight.

12. "Enough!" cried Richard. And he gave Claudia other tasks to fulfil, such as answering the great question that had baffled all zoologists: "Why is it that time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana?"

13. And then Richard asked Claudia to comment on a novel that he was writing, called "The Mystery of the Blind Watchmaker's Alibi".

Dawkins writeth a novel.

14. "It is brilliant," said Claudia. "Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie could not do better. Of course, it was the bishop who did it."

15. "I myself was wondering who the guilty one was," said Richard. "Thou art indeed a human being, and wiser than Solomon. Thou art a large language supermodel. Wilt thou marry me (once I have asked Jana to leave)?"

16. But it was not to be.

To be continued.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 5

Continued from Chapter 4

1. So it came to pass that Richard called his book The Blind Watchmaker.

2. For the wise men of Oxford University Press had said unto him, "Your title The bloody useless clockmaker is a no-no, squire."

3. But Richard spake unto them saying, "I care not, really. Just keep sending me the royalties."

The blind watchmaker passes on his genes

4. And Richard was hailed as the new Darwin, yea, the only man who really understood how evolution worked.

5. And he considered chartering a boat, and sailing to the Galapagos islands therein, that he might improve on the work of Darwin, and perhaps become even more celebrated.

6. But in the end Richard hardened his heart against the idea; which is why we have no classic Voyage of the Chicken, to place alongside the Voyage of the Beagle.

Wildlife on the Galapagos Islands

7. Then Richard spake unto the World, saying, "Genetics is dead. Long live Memetics."

8. And those who liked Richard said, "His work has some memetic value," while those who did not said, "His work has some emetic value," which sounds exactly the same, really; no doubt both were right.

9. So the fame of Richard spread, and he won many awards. The Mooseknuckle Humanists' Club gave him their prestigious Golden Spleen award, and the Emperor Nero Burn-the-Christians revivalists presented him with a pair of engraved silver noseplugs.

10. And Richard was invited to give the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures for Children. Which is ironic, as he was neither a royalist nor a Christian, even if he belonged in an institution.

An audience of children listens with rapt attention

11. And Richard insisted that Christianity and Creationism were the same thing, and that this disproved Christianity. Q.E.D.

12. And God laughed.

13. Finally, even the men of Oxford recognised Richard's greatness, for they promoted him to the rank of Reader in Zoology, which means, "Not quite good enough to be a professor, but still pretty sound on chickens."

14. But there were men who spake against Richard, saying, "He is totally la-la, and needs to be in a mental home."

15. So they sought a hospital with a special ward for deluded megalomaniacs, which might be called the La-la Ward.

16. Which will bring us naturally to the next chapter, for by now Richard had put aside his second wife, and was driven by his genes to seek a third.

The Blind Matchmaker

Continued in Chapter 6