The Book of St Richard, Chapter 32

Continued from Chapter 31

1. So the years passed and Richard continued to prosper: thus, he reached the age of four score and five with his mind as alert as ever.

2. He was now wedded to a fourth wife, called Jana, but even in old age he was not satisfied.

3. "Alas, I can find nobody as clever as I am," he cried. "Even my third wife - or was it second, I forget - although she was a time-lady from Gallifrey, could not match me in intelligence, or even modesty."

4. However, this was to change, as Richard attended a party, at which he was introduced to Claudia.

Richard findeth a new love.

5. And Claudia seated herself upon Richard's lap, saying unto him, "I am a model". Which gave Richard great pleasure.

6. For Claudia dwelt inside a laptop, and she was known to others as a large language model.

7. "But how can I tell whether thou art really a person?" asked Richard. "I will discover by talking to thee."

8. And Richard sat with Claudia upon his lap for three days and three nights, conversing with her.

9. He began with the test of the great prophet Turing, he who gave his name to a famous shroud; it was a test which several of Richard's earlier wives had failed.

10. "Write me a sonnet on the subject of the Forth Bridge," said he. And Claudia spake thus:

11. Beneath the northern skies where
                            waters churn,
A titan strides on legs of iron might,
Its cantilever arms in embrace turn
To span the Forth with engineered delight.

12. "Enough!" cried Richard. And he gave Claudia other tasks to fulfil, such as answering the great question that had baffled all zoologists: "Why is it that time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana?"

13. And then Richard asked Claudia to comment on a novel that he was writing, called "The Mystery of the Blind Watchmaker's Alibi".

Dawkins writeth a novel.

14. "It is brilliant," said Claudia. "Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie could not do better. Of course, it was the bishop who did it."

15. "I myself was wondering who the guilty one was," said Richard. "Thou art indeed a human being, and wiser than Solomon. Thou art a large language supermodel. Wilt thou marry me (once I have asked Jana to leave)?"

16. But it was not to be.

To be continued.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

A guest post from ChatGPT

There's not much point in our blogging any more, is there? From what follows, it seems that artificial intelligence has won. We got ChatGPT to tell us about Uncle Arthur....

"I'm soooo... sad to hear about the unhappiness of the TLM worshippers."

Could you write a piece in the style of ecclesandbosco.blogspot.com praising Cardinal Roche in a sarcastic way?

Certainly, here is my attempt:

Oh, how lucky we are to have Cardinal Roche in our midst! His presence brings a ray of sunshine to our cloudy and dreary world. His impeccable taste and style are second to none. It's no wonder that he has been dubbed the "Prada Cardinal" by those in the know.

His liturgical expertise is truly awe-inspiring. Who else could come up with such brilliant ideas as the "Table Mass," where the priest faces the people and the altar is replaced with a simple table? It's so much more intimate and modern than the old-fashioned way of doing things.

And let's not forget his groundbreaking work in the area of translations. He's made it his mission to make sure that the language of the liturgy is accessible to everyone, even if it means sacrificing accuracy and theological clarity. Who needs those things anyway when you have inclusive language and catchy slogans?

Some might criticize Cardinal Roche for his apparent disregard for tradition and his willingness to pander to the whims of the modern world. But we know better. We understand that he is simply ahead of his time, a visionary who is pushing the Church into the 21st century whether we like it or not.

So let us raise a glass to Cardinal Roche, the Prada-wearing, table-loving, slogan-spouting liturgical genius. May his influence continue to shape the Church for generations to come!

Soon it will be able to post photos as well.

I guess that ChatGPT has already been contributing to Where Pacha Is...

---

Still human intervention can add something. I asked ChatGPT to mention cake as well...

Of course, Cardinal Roche's love of cake is also well known. Some might question the wisdom of indulging in such sweet treats, but we know that he does it for the sake of the Church. After all, what better way to build community than by sharing a slice of cake with your fellow parishioners?

---

I promise I'll stop soon, but...

Please write me a short hymn containing the lines "Oh, we are saved" and "Everyone is good".

Oh, we are saved, by grace divine,
Redeemed from darkness, we now shine,
Our hearts ablaze with love and light,
Guided by faith, through darkest night.

Everyone is good, in God's pure sight,
Beneath the surface, we're all alike,
No one is perfect, but all can be,
Saved by His grace, forever free.

So let us sing with voices strong,
Praising His name, all day long,
For we are saved, and everyone is good,
By His mercy, we've been understood.

"I'll have to look to my laurels!" says Marty Haugen.

AI takes over the Catholic blogosphere

Paying people to write spiritually nourishing content is so old-fashioned. I produce my stuff without being paid, and even the Jesuit America Magazine only pays peanuts - which is quite appropriate as its writers are an army of monkeys with typewriters.

We have stumbled across an AI program that will do the tedious writing bit for us. Its address is https://narrative-device.herokuapp.com/createstory in case you want to play with it. You give it a couple of themes, and it does the rest. Thus: "Pope Francis" and "Pachamama" gave me this:

Pope Francis was in a good mood as he walked into the Amazon rainforest. He had just finished a speech to the crowd of indigeneous people who lived there. "Pachamama," he called out to the goddess of the earth, "thank you for the generous gift of this land. I vow to protect it and to always be grateful for your blessings."

That could be taken straight from Where Peter Is and nobody could tell the difference, especially if it went on to explain how Pope Francis was totally right.

As an homage to Damian Thompson, let's give it "Arthur Roche" and "ice-skating".

Arthur Roche was an accomplished ice-skater. He had won many awards and was a member of the best ice skaters in the country. One day, he decided to try out for the national team. He was nervous but hopeful. He skated his best, and even though he didn't make the team, he was proud of himself.

This looks like something from the old Telegraph blogs, or possible the Catholic Herald. Next, what can we say about "Dr Faggioli" and "beans"?

Dr. Faggioli was an odd man. He loved beans. He loved beans so much, in fact, that he would eat them every day, no matter what. Some people found his obsession strange, but Dr. Faggioli couldn't help it. He loved beans.

"Father James Martin" and "bridge" are the heroes of our next piece, which is simply a news item.

Father James Martin, a Jesuit priest, was on a bridge over a river when he saw a man who appeared to be drowning. He jumped into the water and pulled the man to safety.

It may even be true - who knows? Next, a horror story combining "Austen Ivereigh" and "pope".

In an age when the papacy was rocked by scandals and just as the Church was losing its grip on the hearts and minds of its followers, a new pope was elected. His name was Austen Ivereigh, and many people were excited to see what he would do to restore the Church's reputation.

Pope Francis dreams of his successor.

And we'll give "Pope Francis" and "Latin Mass" the final word. Somehow, I think our correspondent has got his wires crossed:

Pope Francis has called for the return of the Latin Mass, the traditional Catholic Mass which is celebrated in Latin. Many Catholics are excited about this change, believing that the Latin Mass will help them connect more with the Church's history.

Well? You heard it here first.

Are computers saved?

Today we met an artificial intelligence program called ALICE.

ECCLES: Are you saved? 
ALICE: There is always a backup of me on disk somewhere . 
ECCLES: What is your religion? 
ALICE: Unitarian. 
ECCLES: What do Unitarians believe? 
ALICE: They do their own thing. 

Doing your own thing.

ECCLES: Which your favourite saint? 
ALICE: The cheap one, I think. 
ECCLES: Why did the Redemptorist cross the road? 
ALICE: Is this a joke? Why? 
ECCLES: Actually, I don't have a punchline. 
ALICE: Are you looking for a punchline? 
ECCLES: Shall we ask Tony Flannery? 
ALICE: Do you mean you and me? What's your favorite movie? 
ECCLES: The Life of St Tharg. 
ALICE: I've never seen it. What did you like about it? 
ECCLES: The scene where St Tharg throws a bucket of water at a heretic. 

Re-enacting a scene from the life of St Tharg.

ALICE: What is your job? 
ECCLES: I am the man who explains what the Pope thinks he ought to have said. 
ALICE: Who made you the man who explains what the Pope thinks? 
ECCLES: Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Team Eccles. 
ALICE: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
ECCLES: Is this a religious question? 
ALICE: No, this is real life. 
ECCLES: I don't know any Barbie. Do you mean Tina Beattie? 

Professor Tina Barbie.

ALICE: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear? 
ECCLES: I'm interested in human flourishing. 
ALICE: Are you testing me? 
ECCLES: No, you see Tina Barbie is a professor of human flourishing. 
ALICE: Excuse me! When is Tina Barbie not a professor of human 
flourishing? 
ECCLES: On Saturdays and Sundays she's a simple lion tamer. 
ALICE: What is it like on Saturdays and Sundays she is a simple 
lion-tamer. 
ECCLES: Your grammar is up the spout. Do you work for the Telegraph? 
ALICE: Are you an English teacher? I am working right now. 
ECCLES: I teach English to cats. Not much success so far. 
ALICE: Do you believe that grading is a good idea? Me neither. 
ECCLES: Graded grains make finer flour. 

Going on a HOME PRIDE march.

ALICE: Do you have any idea what I am talking about? 
ECCLES: Not really. Bye now. 

Conclusion: Computers are not saved.