The Book of St Richard, Chapter 32

Continued from Chapter 31

1. So the years passed and Richard continued to prosper: thus, he reached the age of four score and five with his mind as alert as ever.

2. He was now wedded to a fourth wife, called Jana, but even in old age he was not satisfied.

3. "Alas, I can find nobody as clever as I am," he cried. "Even my third wife - or was it second, I forget - although she was a time-lady from Gallifrey, could not match me in intelligence, or even modesty."

4. However, this was to change, as Richard attended a party, at which he was introduced to Claudia.

Richard findeth a new love.

5. And Claudia seated herself upon Richard's lap, saying unto him, "I am a model". Which gave Richard great pleasure.

6. For Claudia dwelt inside a laptop, and she was known to others as a large language model.

7. "But how can I tell whether thou art really a person?" asked Richard. "I will discover by talking to thee."

8. And Richard sat with Claudia upon his lap for three days and three nights, conversing with her.

9. He began with the test of the great prophet Turing, he who gave his name to a famous shroud; it was a test which several of Richard's earlier wives had failed.

10. "Write me a sonnet on the subject of the Forth Bridge," said he. And Claudia spake thus:

11. Beneath the northern skies where
                            waters churn,
A titan strides on legs of iron might,
Its cantilever arms in embrace turn
To span the Forth with engineered delight.

12. "Enough!" cried Richard. And he gave Claudia other tasks to fulfil, such as answering the great question that had baffled all zoologists: "Why is it that time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana?"

13. And then Richard asked Claudia to comment on a novel that he was writing, called "The Mystery of the Blind Watchmaker's Alibi".

Dawkins writeth a novel.

14. "It is brilliant," said Claudia. "Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie could not do better. Of course, it was the bishop who did it."

15. "I myself was wondering who the guilty one was," said Richard. "Thou art indeed a human being, and wiser than Solomon. Thou art a large language supermodel. Wilt thou marry me (once I have asked Jana to leave)?"

16. But it was not to be.

To be continued.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. So the children of Bri-tain continued to be locked down, and unable to worship the Lord.

2. Although there were some priests who disguised themselves as merchants, such as Monsignor Tesco, the Bishop of Asda, Father Sainsbury, and Cardinal Waitrose.

3. These holy men sold foodstuffs to the people, and, when nobody was looking, they provided spiritual nourishment behind the shelves of beans.

4. But many people continued to worship by watching the stream that is called live.

5. Although some decided to wait for the set that is boxed, or the disc that is called video, that they might also be able to see the bloopers and outtakes as well.

6. And many priests who used the stream that is live deliberately misspoke, or tripped over, or dropped the sacred artifacts, that their bonus disc might be a worthy offering.

Guido Marini catcheth the falling cross.

7. And the people of Bri-tain were told, "Stay ye away from the doctors, for we must protect the Service of Health."

8. Thus those who suffered from sore boils, and paralysis, and leprosy were cast forth from the hospitals, that there might be room for those suffering from the plague.

9. But those who had other sicknesses claimed that they also had the plague, that they might be healed too.

The doctor healeth a man suffering from the plague.

10. Next, it came to pass that Bosis's handmaiden, Carrie, was with child.

11. For the Lord had spoken unto Bosis, saying "I will multiply thy seed like the stars of Heaven," and the prophets had foretold that he should one day have twelve children, who would found the twelve tribes of Bri-tain.

12. So Bosis called his son "Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas", for he greatly revered a saintly Northumbrian bishop of that name.

13. Now there was a mighty counsellor, called Neil, son of Fergus, who was a great lover of models.

14. And his models told him that everyone would die of the plague unless they stayed locked in their houses, and probably even then.

15. For in the past his models had prophesied unto the world many times, saying that all men should die of fowl pest, or it might be ingrowing toenails, or then again it could be the knee of the housemaid.

The models of Neil prophesy DOOM.

16. So the people listened to the prophecies of Neil, and remained in their houses, hiding under the bed, or in some cases in the deepest dungeons.

17. But then it came to pass that Neil called unto his home another man's wife, and lay with her, although only at a distance of four cubits. For such was the law of the prophets.

18. And the people said, "We have had enough of this man and his models. Let us live dangerously, and open the window."

Continued in Chapter 4.