Girl Guides become inclusive and relevant

The Girl Guides' new pledge will drop the boring bits about loving God and serving one's country in favour of the following promise: I promise that I will do my best: to be true to myself and develop my beliefs, to serve the Queen and my community, to help other people and to keep the Guide law - this is all in the interests of becoming "truly inclusive and relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain."

We therefore asked a typical girl guide, Gill Slocombe (aged 10), to explain this to us.

One way a girl can be true to herself and develop her beliefs.

Eccles: Gill, do girl guides still do good deeds?

Gill: Ooh, yes, Eccles. For example, I saw a pregnant lady on the bus today.

E: You offered her your seat, then?

G: No, no. I simply helped her off the bus and took her into the local branch of the Family Planning Association. See? I've got my "Family Planning" badge now. I wear it next to my "Faith Awareness" badge.

Faith awareness.

E: Tell me about the "Faith Awareness" badge. Did you get that by attending church?

G: Attending church? What are you, some sort of religious maniac? No, I shopped my local priest to the police - he's a homophobic bigot you know, he told us that marriage was something to do with men and women! They'll be sending him down for 30 years.

E: Oh I see. Now tell me how you are "truly inclusive and relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain."

G: Oh just the usual things. Reading the Guardian, "liking" wind farms on Facebook, shooting my father with a water pistol...

How to be relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain.

E: Yes, well violence is very relevant to society. I'd hate to think that you might have a deprived childhood, and be unable to participate it it.

G: Oh, I do participate, Eccles.

Charles Naasti shows how violence is very relevant to society.

E: Well, you are certainly a model girl guide, Gill. One last badge to finish off?

Film lover.

G: Yes, I got this one for going to the cinema to see The invasion of the sex-crazed lesbian vicars from Croydon. It was either that or The Hobbit, and being a pacifist I really hate Tolkien's violent scenes.

E: Gill Slocombe, thank you for explaining the realities of modern guiding.

No, no, Gill. This is not the time to earn your "arson" badge.

Rebel Catholics meet in Leeds

As reported enthusiastically by The Tablet (a formerly Catholic newspaper), the rebel group "A Call to Action" (ACTA) has taken advantage of the Sede vacante status of the Leeds diocese to occupy Hinsley Hall and preach dissent.

Hinsley Hall. Did ACTA mistake this for the Vatican?

According to the Tablet article, the meeting was organized by Chris Larkman, who lives in FEAR. Said he: "Bishops who are frightened of Rome, laity fearful of priests, priests fearful of bishops. It is not creative and there seems to be a lot of it in the Church."

The reign of terror, stage 1.

The Pope in Rome. If you are a bishop, be VERY afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 2.

A bishop (of sorts). If you are a priest, be EVEN MORE afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 3.

A priest. If you are a layman, why not hide behind the sofa?

Apparently ACTA is calling for better dialogue between bishops and laity on a variety of topics, including "a theology of sexuality more closely rooted in the experiences of the laity." Who knows? Perhaps this means that they will introduce the topic of homosexuality, which after all is NEVER mentioned in Catholic circles.

Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins discuss a theology of sexuality in The Hobbit.

We are relieved to see that Mgr Marcus Stock, the General Secretary of the Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, attended the meeting. Since he is a pillar of orthodoxy (apart from being unable to work out the date of Ascension Day), it is believed that he was alerted when the burglar alarm went off in Hinsley Hall, and he was summoned to investigate. But perhaps he also lives in FEAR. Who knows?

Mgr Stock, evidently afraid of the armed archbishop at his side.

Tolkien film released

It's out at last: The Tobblit, the new film based on Tolkien's famous book.

The Tobblit

As many readers will know, this book tells the tale of Pill-bo Peppins the Half-baked, who is sent on a quest by the great wizard Ganduffy, and meets many strange characters on the way.

"Keep to the Left!" says Ganduffy.

The powers of Middle-Earth (or Mediterraneum, to use a more traditional expression) have led Peppins to roam (Roma), but she is determined to escape from their influence: she goes into the wilderness looking for adventure, along with thirteen dwarves. These include Beati, the comedy dwarf, whose invitation to take part is withdrawn at the last moment. She tags along anyway, blogging furiously about it.

Peppins encounters an evil D'orc, seen here with the corpse of its victim.

The way is perilous, and Peppins often loses sight of her ultimate quest, which is something to do with a dragon. Indeed, as this is a three-film trilogy, she won't get that far for another couple of years.

One of the most loathsome creatures encountered en route is Gilesum, a strange twisted being that lives underground.

Gilesum - once human, but now distorted by a life of hatred.

Gilesum utters many strange cries like "BIGOTSES - I HATESEM" and "WE WANTS WIMMIN PRIESTESSES!" He is custodian of a mysterious ring, with various magic powers, including the ability to throw one's voice into innocent people's sleeping chambers early in the morning.

Peppins escapes Gilesum and rejoins the party. They then have to cross the sinister forest of Inwood, where strange sounds are heard that drive people insane; however, the travellers cover their ears, as have so many before them, and they eventually reach the land of elven safety.

Christopher Lee plays the part of another wizard, Cantuar the White.