Terrorist outrage in Croydon

Following this week's terrorist outrage in Croydon, where a man by the name of Matthew Doyle was rude to a Muslim woman in the street (or at least claimed on Twitter to have committed this atrocity), the national security level in the UK has been raised to "a bit worrying". The Prime Minister called a meeting of the emergency HADDOCK committee to discuss the issue, before disappearing on holiday to visit yet more fish markets. The Croydon police have cancelled leave for all officers, and arrested Matthew Doyle after a 48-hour siege.

The terrorist outrage.

Round the world, people have expressed shock at the outrage. Pope Francis took some time off from washing women's feet to condemn the "blind violence" of Doyle's tweet. The main public buildings of Brussels were lit up in the colours of the Union flag in solidarity with Britain's suffering. As the Mayor of Brussels, M. Poirot, explained "We have had a few bad moments ourselves this week, but at least nobody dared to insult a Muslim woman!"

...and then the Guardian remembered that fools rush in...

Sir Simon Jenkins, already well-known on this blog for being wrong on every issue about which he has expressed an opinion, agrees that Brussels should be forgotten, whereas Croydon will be long remembered in the annals of terrorism. As he says, "The initial act is banal. The atrocities in Brussels happen almost daily on the streets of Baghdad, Aleppo and Damascus." He's right: do you get South London thickos being rude to Muslim women in Baghdad? No, of course not. We should be very scared.

Mrs Neva X. Isted, the victim of the outrage.

We wanted to interview the victim of the terrorist hate crime, Mrs Isted, who is currently in intensive care. However, it was pointed out to us that, under Islamic law, all opinions that she expresses must be provided by her husband. So much for that, then.

A prominent resident flees the terror tweets of Croydon.

There's good in all of us

This blog has occasionally been criticised for taking a negative attitude towards certain people - apparently casting down the mighty from their seats and exalting the humble and meek isn't appreciated if you're one of the ones being cast down - so today we get into the Christmas spirit and praise everyone. After all, even Pope Francis is supposed to have said that all of us are redeemed, and this also applies to our pets, especially cute ones.

Mother and child, by A. Hitler.

Sister Wendy Beckett comments: This charming picture, from the "Nazi" School of art, shows a touching scene of a mother and child. See the devotion in the mother's eyes, as she regards her little baby, born to be Führer, while he looks around, perhaps wondering whether he needs more Lebensraum. Evidently, the artist was a kind and sensitive man, who knew the true meaning of love. Do look up his life history, as I am sure that we can follow his example in many ways.

Lord Voldemort.

Damian Thompson writes: Lord Voldemort, sometimes incorrectly called "Lord Tom Voldemort" by people who don't know how to refer to peers of the realm, was a talented wizard. I knew him well in his childhood in Reading, when he was simply Tom Marvolo Riddle; he attended the same primary school as I did, before winning a scholarship to Hogwarts, and was a very clever boy indeed, coming second in the class (to me). Although a devout Catholic, he was strongly influenced by the Spirit of Vatican II, and this may have contributed to the bad press he received in later years. I blame Cormac Murphy-O'Connor.

Basil Fawlty attempts to mend a broken-down car.

Andrew Sachs explains: Basil Fawlty has received a lot of bad press, from those who see him as a bad-tempered bully. However, we must wonder whether with such a personality he would have been better suited to another occupation, for example, as a deacon in the Croydon area. In any case, having encountered both him and Russell Brand, I have to say that Mr Fawlty was a much kinder person all round, and he definitely never made nuisance telephone calls or tried to harass bank staff going about their lawful business. No, with all his faults Mr Fawlty was a kind and generous man, and he certainly wouldn't have written a pretentious "bookie wookie" called Revolution.

How to keep the Pope busy

A leaked Vatican memorandum has come our way.

To: Cardinal Gerhard Müller, Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith.
From: Alfred Xuereb, first private secretary of Pope Francis.

Could you sign the excommunication order for Enda Kenny, Holy Father?

Your Eminence,

Thank you for your memorandum expressing concern that the Holy Father may have too much time on his hands, which is why he has got into the habit of phoning up random Catholics for a chat. Following your advice, we are proposing a full programme of activities to keep him busier. Here are some ideas:

1. Canonizations. The recent ceremony was very popular, and succeeded in winding-up the non-Catholics as well as the Tablet paper. We propose some more high-profile canonizations, possibly including Pope Pius XII, Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada, Pope Alexander VI, and Pontius Pilate. The resulting controversy should keep the Pope fully occupied.

Nobody expects Cardinal St Ximénes de Cisneros!

2. Excommunications. We have received petitions for the excommunication of Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, Tony Flannery, Enda "Enda Life" Kenny and Bishop Michael Campbell (this last one may be a misunderstanding, but we will appoint a "God's Advocate" to look into the question, all the same).

Oh yes, I'm a pious Catholic, Holy Father!

3. Travel. Pope Francis is not such a good traveller as Pope St John-Paul II was, but we should be able to pack him off to a few exciting places.

Pope Francis has expressed an interest in riding on a tram in Croydon.

4. If all else fails, we will suggest to the Pope that he release some more symbols of peace. We haven't had much luck with doves, but he could try sending out creatures such as wild boar, alligators and tigers into the streets of Rome: they can probably take care of themselves.

Pope Benedict releases a "lion of peace".

Anyway, all further suggestions will be gratefully received. At present Pope Francis spends a lot of time in front of the television, gloomily watching re-runs of The Two Marinis, and it can't be good for him.

It's "Ite, missa est" from me - and it's "Ite, missa est" from him!

Eccles visits the wilderness

Prayer and relfection is a great way to spend Lent, but for a saved pusson like me it's a bit too easy. Therefore, I asked my bishop - a man of great spiritaul insights - to recommend somefink extra, as befits a trully saved pusson.

"Eccles, you is right," he said. "Go ye forth into the waste lands of the world, where the word of God is never heard, and bring em spiritaul nuorishment."

A place for prayer and relfection.

"Not Croydon again!" I remonstarted. "Even Jesus didn't spend forty days locked in a shed wiv a deacon."

"Nope," said +Thingummy, "I have something even worse for you. Do the words 'custard', 'hair salon' and 'Gladys Mills' suggest somefink to you?"

"You want me to visit Damain Thopmson's blogg?" I gasped. "You know, Croydon isn't so bad, reely. Even deacons in sheds is almost human."

A nightmarish vision, caused by playing the "2048" game too long.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I registered on Diqsus as "ecclesiis" (for it is Eccles, I is), and went along to the holy smoking wastelands.

Is David Cameron a saved pusson?

That was the title of Thopmson's blost, in which the author gave an in-depth analsyis of the spiritaul state of our Prime Minister, concluding with the mysterious comment: "Personally I don’t care if Dave is a Chinese frog-worshipper..." (I spose he means Chinese-frog worshipper,as it don't seem very likely that Dave is reely Chinese).

David Cameron communicates with his deity.

As usual, Damain didn't have enough material to last him to the end of the piece, so he includded some stuff about Charles Hawtrey, Monty Python, and Vaughan Willaims clibming up his wall.

So I rolled up my trouser legs - sorry, I meant sleeves, I was thinking of ACTA for a moment - and took a look at the comments section. It seemed to be populated mostly by the resident troll, one "Phil", posting anti-Cathlic sentiments under half a dozen different usernames. There was one or two other trolls around, mostly based in South America, so clearly there was a crying need for the contributoins of a saved pusson.

The new avatar of Ecclesiis.

I challenged a few of the nastier comments of "Phil", offered a cup of tea to anuvver pusson who was gettin a bit incoherent, and basically shone the light of my widsom on the poor desolate blogg, wot had seen better days.

In less than one hour, all my posts had been deleted, and I had been banned.

Well, we knew that the muddlerators on the blogg were creul unsaved pussons, and that even the bloggs editor had no control over em. But this was quick work. Apparently, Phil is a pusson wiv a mark on his head like Cain, wot says he is under specail protectoin.

So I has given up on the wilderness of Damain, and has decided to convert pagans instead. Phew, at least it's nearly the end of Lent.

A pagan dances round a stone circle.

Wot Eccles did on his hols

Well I took a few days off from de hurly-burly of Notting Hell, and decided to go round England seein some of de sites. My first trip was a trian journey to Manchester, cos I wanted to see de famous town of Eccles; also I got a fan in Altrincham, wot spends all her time screen-cappin everyfink I says on Twitter and puttin it into a big scrapbook.

We leaves Euston in a Pendalino.

Dis aint gonna be a partickularly spiritaully nuorishin story, but I will try and mentoin some of de fings dat happened. Fust, it was a Friday when I left, and de trian got very crowded.

After some commuters got on at Nuneaton.

Later on, our Virgin trian was delayed, and it seemed dat dere weren't no Richard Branson on it to complane to. But I later found out wot de problem was.

Unsaved pussons on de line near Rugeley.

Still, the juorney eventaully came to and end, and I reached de North.

Manchester.

So I went to see my grate admirer in Altrincham, wot had invited me round for a cup of tea and a Pengiun.

My fan in Altrincham.

In fact she kept me a prisoner in her house for 4 days (all de doors and winders was locked) as she wanted to read to me from her bound copies of de luvvly Vatican II documents, some of which I doesn't know very well. I eventaully escaped and hid behind a sofa.

Hidin behind de sofa.

When I got away, my next destinatoin was Corby, cos de Archbishop is a great hero of mine. I took a photo of his cathedrall.

Corby Cathedrall.

He was givvin a specail lecture in my honour called "How Eccles brought me spiritaul nuorishment" (6 p.m. to 4 a.m.). To put it simply, I contradicts all logical paradimgs and I show that, following St Augustine's anti-donatism and anti-pelagianism, it is imperative to court the panoptically hypostasized tasks of intertextual grounding.

De audience listened in rapt attentoin.

About 2 a.m. he said "finally", and so I knew dere was only anuvver couple of hours to go. After Corby, dere was just time to head down to de south coast, stoppin on de way to see a deacon in Crodyon wot is a grate friend of mine, althuogh he does like screemin "sockpoppet" at poeple he aint met before.

De deacon is keepin a dossier on me.

And so we gets to Brihgton.

I'm fairly sure dis is de Brihgton pavillion.

Well, not much else to record reely. I went to de seaside to paddle, but de tide was out.

Brihgton Beach. A deep-sea diver returns to land.

And so back to Notting Hell, refreshed, and still a saved pusson.

---

I aint never put dis on my blogg, but I recently persauded my Bruvver Bosco to get baptised, which he hadnt done before. Here is a touchin snap of de occasoin.

My bruvver Bosco, bein baptised.

Girl Guides become inclusive and relevant

The Girl Guides' new pledge will drop the boring bits about loving God and serving one's country in favour of the following promise: I promise that I will do my best: to be true to myself and develop my beliefs, to serve the Queen and my community, to help other people and to keep the Guide law - this is all in the interests of becoming "truly inclusive and relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain."

We therefore asked a typical girl guide, Gill Slocombe (aged 10), to explain this to us.

One way a girl can be true to herself and develop her beliefs.

Eccles: Gill, do girl guides still do good deeds?

Gill: Ooh, yes, Eccles. For example, I saw a pregnant lady on the bus today.

E: You offered her your seat, then?

G: No, no. I simply helped her off the bus and took her into the local branch of the Family Planning Association. See? I've got my "Family Planning" badge now. I wear it next to my "Faith Awareness" badge.

Faith awareness.

E: Tell me about the "Faith Awareness" badge. Did you get that by attending church?

G: Attending church? What are you, some sort of religious maniac? No, I shopped my local priest to the police - he's a homophobic bigot you know, he told us that marriage was something to do with men and women! They'll be sending him down for 30 years.

E: Oh I see. Now tell me how you are "truly inclusive and relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain."

G: Oh just the usual things. Reading the Guardian, "liking" wind farms on Facebook, shooting my father with a water pistol...

How to be relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain.

E: Yes, well violence is very relevant to society. I'd hate to think that you might have a deprived childhood, and be unable to participate it it.

G: Oh, I do participate, Eccles.

Charles Naasti shows how violence is very relevant to society.

E: Well, you are certainly a model girl guide, Gill. One last badge to finish off?

Film lover.

G: Yes, I got this one for going to the cinema to see The invasion of the sex-crazed lesbian vicars from Croydon. It was either that or The Hobbit, and being a pacifist I really hate Tolkien's violent scenes.

E: Gill Slocombe, thank you for explaining the realities of modern guiding.

No, no, Gill. This is not the time to earn your "arson" badge.

Eccles is told off

De way of a saved pusson is hard, and I was told off today by a dame, wot didn't find my blogg spiritaully nuorishin.

Unapprecaitive dame.

Wot happened was dat I wrote a blost about de Boat of Fools visitin Croydon (where I has got a good freind wot is a deacon), and dis dame wot I never heard of was upset by it. Here is a controversail pitcher wot was in de story.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

I has been asked three salient questoins by de dame, in fact she asked em twice:

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Well we satirists always takes care never to exaggerate de facts, but inevitabbly errors may creep in. I was readin my Bibble today, and it's got a bit where Jesus says: Blind guides, who strain out a gnat, and swallow a camel. Well we know dat Jesus would never dream of exaggeratin, so it must be dat camel-swallowin was a serious probblem in 1st Century Palestine.

Warning: do not attempt to swallow this camel.

In fact, Jesus also says: And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye; and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye? Well, it must have been true, and not a metaphor or an exaggeratoin.

Warning, wear goggles when handling this, lest it go in thine eye.

Of course my blogg is always helpful, and we sometimes has to be creul to be kind. It seems dat Jesus had de same problems when He said: You serpents, generation of vipers, how will you flee from the judgement of Hell?

A serpent wot needs to think about fleeing.

Well, I hope I has explained my position here: always truthful, kind and helpful. I met Michael Vortex recently, wot has a luvvly video about always being nice. I think that besides being a saved pusson I is gonna be a nice pusson from now on, and not make jokes at people's expense.

Michael, if you're reading this, I think you left something behind.

A thoroughly modern Muslim

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson is one of the new breed of "liberal" Muslims, most of whom were greatly influenced by the "Mecca II" council of the 1960s.

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson.

When I came to interview him in his beautiful Kensington house, from which he operates London's biggest camel-hire business, he explained that, although culturally a Muslim, his religious beliefs had been much influenced by modern liberals such as Polly Toynbee, George Galloway, and Tina Beattie.

In fact, Islamic belief in Britain is currently in a state of flux, as the so-called "Magic Crescent" of liberal Ayatollahs is anxious to welcome all believers, regardless of colour, race, creed, sexual orientation or even religious conviction. George naturally finds his place in a liberal Mosque, where they even hold "gay" services.

The Mosque where Imam Nichols operates.

George's charming wife Aisha (age 9) was away at the Cat Stevens Primary School when I called round, but she had left a pile of sausage rolls for us to consume with our Château Hamza claret, in itself a sign that George no longer follows the Islamic customs as strictly as his ancestors (the Cholmondeley-Farquharsons of Libya) used to.

Food for a modern Muslim.

I asked him about his praying rituals. Did he make use of a prayer mat for regular worship ad orientem? George explained to me that, since Mecca II, it had become customary for prayers to be held in a west-facing position, so that one had one's back towards Allah. Moreover, the traditional prayer mat had been in urgent need of modernization.

Novus Ordo prayer mat.

George himself is very fond of participating in ecumenical services - for example he attends a Catholic church in the Southwark archdiocese where the deacon welcomes Muslim worshippers, explaining that "After all, we all believe the same thing really."

George has not been on the traditional haj, finding Mecca a little too expensive for a pilgrimage. However, he is shortly planning a two-week stay in Bradford, visiting the Alhambra Theatre, a well-known shrine. Here he plans to hear a Paul Inwood arrangement of sacred Islamic music, played by the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

The Alhambra, Bradford, soon to host sacred music from the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

Finally I asked George about his cultural traditions. "Well, I am a very ecumenical Muslim, so I feel slighly uneasy about smiting the infidel," he explained. "In our weekly Koran-study classes, we learn that we are promised 72 virgins in Paradise if we go berserk and slaughter a few Christians. But then - who wants 72 mothers-in-law? No, I decided to go for the lesser 'all the sherbet you can eat' option, and this only required me to cut the hands off the local vicar."

Father Cleese, of the Church Militant.

As I said my farewells to George, I reflected that Islam, the religion of peace, is adapting itself very well to modern secular culture. How can anyone find anything objectionable in George's lifestyle?

Adopt a Deacon!

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all, cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially, whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains after Mass.

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been invited to become a deacon myself. I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact de trainin won't take long, as it aint very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.