Minutes of the ACTOR pressure group

Minutes of the A Call To Outright Rebellion pressure group, affiliated with A Call To Action, but even more cross with the Vatican.

A bus-shelter in Wigan, May 16th 2013.

Our pressure group (faces hidden to protect them from the Inquisition).

Present: three members.

Apologies for absence from Hans Küng (not allowed out in public), Tina Beattie (busy with her one-woman comedy show), Kieran Conry (got the dates wrong), Cardinal Martini (still dead), and Enda Kenny (busy getting honorary degrees from dodgy organizations).

Leonardo Boff, too busy at the North Pole making toys with his elves.

1. Message of support were received from the Tablet, our sister organization ACTA, and Richard Dawkins.

2. Reasons given for attending the meeting included:

  Actually, I was waiting for a bus, but yes I hate Catholics.
  We want dialogue.
  Give us power, brothers!
  There's nothing good on television.

3. We then all had a good whinge. Why did they introduce a new translation of the Mass that was so much like the Latin version that we all hate? Why did Pope Benedict XVI set up the Ordinariate without providing something for people like us who want to go in the opposite direction? How come the Pope isn't elected democratically by a single transferable vote system? Why do people tap their heads when we tell them we are faithful Catholics who just want to make up our own doctrine? Why do we get escorted out of Mass just for shouting "NO POPERY" at a quiet moment in the service? Why can't every parish have gay masses?

Omo-phobia is a serious problem in the Catholic church. Even the Pope uses Daz.

4. It was noted that ACTA had managed to persuade a misguided Monsignor to attend one of their meetings. It was suggested that we invite a Cardinal along next time.

Cardinal Dolan (seen here conducting a funeral) is unlikely to accept, but Cormac might.

5. It was agreed that the next meeting would take place in prestigious premises in Bolton, possibly the basement of the Dead Parrots "R" Us petshop.

6. A bus arrived, and so the meeting disbanded, vowing vengeance on the Vatican.

Rebel Catholics meet in Leeds

As reported enthusiastically by The Tablet (a formerly Catholic newspaper), the rebel group "A Call to Action" (ACTA) has taken advantage of the Sede vacante status of the Leeds diocese to occupy Hinsley Hall and preach dissent.

Hinsley Hall. Did ACTA mistake this for the Vatican?

According to the Tablet article, the meeting was organized by Chris Larkman, who lives in FEAR. Said he: "Bishops who are frightened of Rome, laity fearful of priests, priests fearful of bishops. It is not creative and there seems to be a lot of it in the Church."

The reign of terror, stage 1.

The Pope in Rome. If you are a bishop, be VERY afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 2.

A bishop (of sorts). If you are a priest, be EVEN MORE afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 3.

A priest. If you are a layman, why not hide behind the sofa?

Apparently ACTA is calling for better dialogue between bishops and laity on a variety of topics, including "a theology of sexuality more closely rooted in the experiences of the laity." Who knows? Perhaps this means that they will introduce the topic of homosexuality, which after all is NEVER mentioned in Catholic circles.

Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins discuss a theology of sexuality in The Hobbit.

We are relieved to see that Mgr Marcus Stock, the General Secretary of the Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, attended the meeting. Since he is a pillar of orthodoxy (apart from being unable to work out the date of Ascension Day), it is believed that he was alerted when the burglar alarm went off in Hinsley Hall, and he was summoned to investigate. But perhaps he also lives in FEAR. Who knows?

Mgr Stock, evidently afraid of the armed archbishop at his side.

A Call to Acton

Acton - a focus for dissent.

Hello, we are seven very clever but naughty priests who hate the Pope, the Catholic Church's moral teaching, and the new translation of the Mass. We wrote a letter to the Tabloid, explaining how we wanted to foster and encourage a culture of dialogue and solidarity. Benny, Benny, Benny! Out! Out! Out! That's a slogan that will unite the whole Catholic world.

No longer is Rome going to be allowed to dictate to us. We shall elect one of our number as Anti-Pope, and he will lead the faithful from the People's Palace in historic Acton. Our disciples will come down the "Healing Broad Way" to a new world.

Let us introduce ourselves, in our own words.

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Fr Bashful.

Look, do I have to go first? I'm sure Mgr Doc would do a much better job - he's read all the clever books by people like Hans Küng, Richard Dawkins, Marie Stopes, and other modern Catholic thinkers whose work is published in the Tablet. I'm no good at this "enfant terrible" stuff, and I certainly don't want to be the next Anti-Pope.

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Oh all right. I'm Mgr Doc, the intellectual of the group. I was the one who wrote the Tabloid letter, as I know lots of long words like "disobedience," "rebellion," and "dinosaur." I even know Latin, although of course I only use it for swearing. But I am also a doctor of Immoral Theology, having written a thesis on Genocide - why does the Pope insist on condemning it? That arrogant man, Pope Benedict, has refused to respond to any of my letters to him, even though I bought a special bottle of green ink for the purpose. Who does he think he is?

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Er, yes, I'm Fr Dopey. Um. I guess. I finks Tina Beattie is a genius. What does we do now?

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Fr Grumpy.

Grumpy's the name, but you can call me "Father." And I am furious at the intransigence of the Vatican. Look, I want to be allowed to get married to Sister Snow White; then, who knows, I may be unfaithful to her and get a divorce. It's my human right to do this if I wish, and it doesn't stop me doing my job as a social worker with that extra "Christian" ingredient. If Henry VIII could have six wives and cut off the heads of two of them, why can't a priest in good standing do likewise?

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Hey, my name's Fr Happy, but some people call me simply "Gay." Have you got a problem with that, sweetie? You're a bigot, bigot, bigot...

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I'm Father... Zzzz...

Yes, I'm the Dean of Great Snoring. Vatican II was a wake-up call for all of us - well, not me, in fact, but everyone else. And it specifically said that the office of Pope should be abolished and replaced by a People's Committee. Zzzz...

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A-a-a-a-a-choo! Fr Sneezy here. A-a-a-a-a-choo! Bless me! That's all the liturgy I know, and it's quite enough! A-a-a-a-a-choo!

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And now, a little puzzle for our readers.

Tablet, Tablet on the Wall. Who is the naughtiest priest of all?