Bitter disagreement at the Synod

Reprinted from the Tablet, in the days when it was a religious newspaper.

Whitby, A.D. 664

After a week of fierce debating, the Extraordinary Synod on the Date of Easter and the Monastic Tonsure, called by King Oswy of Northumbria, shows no signs of reaching agreement.

Whitby Abbey - damaged when the debate got out of hand.

It is clear that there are two strongly-divided parties to the discussion. First, there are the traditionalists, led by "Saint" Wilfrid, who wish to calculate Easter on orthodox Roman lines; second, there are the modernists, led by Colmán, Bishop of Northumbria, one of the discredited "Magic Circle" of English bishops who prefer to go their own way, keeping to the Ionan tradition. Following a request from St Damian the Spectator, the debate has also been extended to include a discussion of monastic hairstyles. In the end, the decision will be made by King Oswy.

"Who am I to judge?" asks King Oswy.

So far the Synod has heard evidence from a number of families advocating disordered lifestyles: some celebrate Easter at Christmas, some celebrate it twice a year, and some do not celebrate it at all, regarding it as a nasty traddy feast, far inferior to pagan festivals such as the Blessing of the Inwood. Cardinal Kasper has suggested that these people should be shown Mercia, although it is difficult to see how this could best be done.

The situation is worse in the far south of the land, where it is rumoured that Fr Steven the Fisher has abolished Easter altogether, replacing the Light of Christ with Endless Night, while Dame Tina the Beater describes the whole concept of Christianity as male-dominated, and proposes a radical women-only alternative. There are even reports of extensive heresy in the kingdom of Arundel and Brighton, where Bishop Kieran the Scandalous has resigned in disgrace.

Kieran the Scandalous has let himself go a little since he resigned.

Moving onto the secondary subject of the synod, namely monastic tonsures, many have been annoyed by the comments of "Baldy" Sseri, recommending a complete shaving of the head; still less do they approve of his exhortation, "Come unto me and ye will be shaved". For those, such as St Damian, who judge a man on the quality of his hairstyle, the tonsure is an abominable fashion to which they can never subscribe in good conscience.

Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. (2 Kings 2:23).

We shall continue to bring you regular reports from the synod, as we follow the team of great minds wrangling over the future of the Church.

Ven. Bede the anachronistic.

Bosco on de atack

Well Bosco had a narrow escape from de Angle of Death. But she is an old friend of Anti Moly's, and she have offerred our Grate-Ant a part-time job. De idea is dat Anti Moly's gonna go rouond scarring poeple to Death. She said, "Dat suonds good. Is I allowed to screem at dem too?" De Angle of Death said, "Yup, we has got a vacancy in de Banshee divvision." I will report on a futture blogg how my belloved Anti gets on wiv dis new career oporttunity which is gonna make de most of her tallents.

Bosco have realised dat we gotta get more vigoruos in our persecuttion of de Cathlics. I found dis photo showin Cathlics doin a crazy rittual where dey bow down to iddles. Dey even calls it Pillates cos in de Cathlic Bibble dey says dat Pontuis Pillate did it. What lies dey tell.

What's more, dey is makin iddles of de Pops, which Cathlics gonna be asked to kiss if dey wants to escape 1000000000000000 years in Purgattory. I read all about it on a website dat Bosco found, so it must be true.

Bein horified by dis wickedness, Bosco and me has develloped a cunning plan. On Sunday we is gonna go into de Cathlic church incoggnito. De preist will preach his herettical sermon, sayin dat all Cathlics gotta kiss more iddles and venerate beads (we knows dis is true as Bosco found an article on de internet about Venerable Beads), and on no account must dey read de Bibble. When we hears dis we shall pounce, and stand up and sing a Calumny Chappel hynm very luodly. Maybe dis one, which is very poppular.

De Lord's my shehperd, I's de sheep,
He dresses me like a clown.
Lord Jessus have saved me from de flood
And left all de rest to drown. Ha ha.

(We doesn't sing "Ha ha", we just gives a big chuckle as we finks of dem Cathlics in de lake of fire.)

Dis is de costume dat Bosco is gonna wear for church, he says dat Father Xavier Pell de Mons will never guess dat it is him.

Dat's a real parrot... it's de one dats been tryin to teach Bosco to say a few simple prhases.

So Sunday will be de day of reckonin for de Cathlics, we gonna save lots of dem. Since no Cathlics reads dis blogg, I fink it is safe to put our plans here, Bosco, my dere bruvver.