Are you being radicalised?

After the startling revelation that Jihadi John's real name is Mohammed Emwazi - and not George Galloway after all - we must each ask ourselves "COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME"?

Little Mo. Bad breath, not potty-trained until he was 15, ugly, but otherwise normal.

Little Mo was, by all accounts, a saintly boy who hardly ever pulled the wings off butterflies or stuck pins in frogs. However, all the other kids mocked him, and so it was natural for him to grow up to be a serial killer and sadist. Still, some say that his personality changed when he ran into a goal post - a clear sign that football can be a radicalising influence.

We have this tribute to Little Mo on the authority of CAGE, one of the few apologists for terrorists to have charitable status. As Lord Carlile so profoundly puts it, CAGE needs to make clear they reject murder. Apparently, this is something the Charity Commission insists on (except, arguably, in the case of the BPAS). Even the National Trust has decommissioned all its weapons of mass destruction.

CAGE fighting is not as glamorous as you might think.

So if CAGE could give us 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence, it would be much appreciated. Permanent silence would be even better.

Now, are YOU being radicalised? Did your mother tell you to tidy your bedroom when you were a child? Did the girl/boy/camel you invited out to the pictures tell you that you were a boring toad smelling of urine? Did the bus-driver refuse to stop when he saw you? Did it rain yesterday? Do you think that Britain's foreign policy is a disaster (actually, this is a perfectly normal point of view)?

The Satanic State's Jihad Johnnie models a burka (don't ask why).

These are all danger signs. Are you thinking of changing your name to Crusading Chris, Fighting Freda, Warring Wally, or Holy Smoke Moly? (Of course you won't use the name Mohammed, as nobody will take you seriously.) Have you been looking up Ryanair flights to the Levant (nearest airport Beirut, then hitch a lift)?

Of course, this post is mainly addressed to our younger readers, especially the more stupid of them, but the "call" can come at any age. Even 80-year-old ladies have a role to play in the Satanic State, if they are vicious and sadistic enough. After all, murdering hostages doesn't require much skill or strength.

Hell's Grannies - Teresa, Michelle, Joan and Erica - head for the Middle East.

Now, if you feel you are being radicalised (what we used to call "p*ssed off with life"), we urge you to take it gently. Start by campaigning for a party that wants to turn Britain upside-down, such as the Greens, or Respect, or the Monster Raving Loonies. If this doesn't satisfy your radical ambitions, you could try studying the works of great thinkers such as Russell Brand, or Giles Fraser. Nothing too aggressive. Got that? Great.

Ordinariate for pagans announced

Following the announcement that the Church of England is to welcome pagans - which most people thought to have happened many years ago - Pope Francis has announced the creation of a new Ordinariate, enabling pagans to convert to Catholicism while still preserving all that's best in Pagan Patrimony.

Ancient stones - these are considered holy by many pagans.

Originally, it was thought that Pope Francis was hostile to the Ordinariate - simply because there are not many disillusioned Anglicans in Argentina - but he has now seen the wisdom of Pope Benedict's ideas, and is prepared to take them further.

The first step will be to set up an Pagan Ordinariate church in London. This is already proving difficult, simply as there are no convenient stone circles at hand. It is thought that it will be necessary to import some, and install them in a convenient open space, perhaps just in front of Westminster Cathedral.

The Twelve Apostles (Ilkley Moor). Will they move to Westminster?

Some aspects of Pagan Worship may be hard to assimilate into the Catholic Mass. For example, it was thought at first that taking off all one's clothes and dancing in the light of the moon was too far from established Catholic tradition. However, having been shown examples of liturgical dancing at Liverpool Cathedral and elsewhere, the Pope no longer believes that this will be a problem.

Liturgical dancing (alternatively, the choir may perform a Gregorian chant).

Following the "Stonehenge II" council in the 1960s, human sacrifices are no longer part of mainstream pagan worship, but they are still be allowed for "traddy" pagans who request it from their local Archwizard. For such traditionalists to join the Ordinariate, suitable provision will be made in the Catholic liturgy. A papal encyclical De Humano Immolando is in preparation, which will clarify this issue. Many other Pagan traditions should be assimilated with little trouble.

A Catholic "cage" mass, where the priest pretends to be a budgerigar.

Reactions to the Pope's proposal have been mixed. Said the Tablet, "This is the sort of brilliant idea that we would never have seen when we were crushed by the iron jackboot of Pope Benedict. It takes the emphasis away from God, and focuses it on ourselves, so it must be good."

After all, this is very similar to some existing Catholic Masses.

On the other hand, pagan leaders are furious that the Catholic Church is attempting to "poach" its believers without any consultation. Said Arch-Pendragon Getafix (formerly Jim Tharg), "It's a disgrace. They're even asking Paul Inwood to publish a Pagan setting of the Mass, including animal noises and the sounds of witches screeching - apparently, this will only require minor modifications to his existing work."

Monsignor Snape prepares for Mass.

Finally, the "Magic Circle" of Catholic bishops in England and Wales is also showing enthusiasm for the idea of a Pagan Ordinariate. Archbishop Nichols has long had excellent relations with Rowan Williams, a druid who rose to a senior position in the Church of England, and he is therefore expected to be very responsive to the idea of Pagan Patrimony.

We'll now sing "All things bright and beautiful."