Bishops say "Stop praying!"

Several wise bishops have decided to allow the faithful to eat meat on Fridays in Lent, because apparently it is such a hardship in these plague-ridden times to survive 24 hours living only on fish, pasta, rice, pizza, vegetables, cheese, eggs, etc. It is well known that there are many starving people whose only source of food is the bacon, steak, and sausages in the fridge.

Now, in Stage 2, the bishops are encouraging their flocks to stop praying. "Many people find it very stressful to sit, kneel, or stand quietly for a minute or two, when they could be playing video games, watching television, or simply looking out of the window in the hope of seeing neighbours whom they could report to the police," explained the Bishop of Boston Teaparty. "We want to relieve them of this burden."

Stop that at once!

"Besides, God - if you believe in him, which of course good Catholics no longer need to - is rather overwhelmed with prayers at present, and we can save on bandwidth by leaving prayer in the hands of the professionals," continued the Bishop of Brooklyn Beckham.

"Many churches are live-streaming Masses," agreed the Bishop of Humor-Thibo-dodo. "These should satisfy all the spiritual needs of 'God addicts', and they have the advantage that you can watch them while wearing tatty old clothes, or even in your pyjamas if you wish. However, we urge you not to pray, as this only leads to rigidity, neo-Pelagianism, and other bad habits."

"However, don't forget to turn off your lights for Earth Hour tonight," stressed the Bishop of Muddlehead. "With this dangerous Carbonara Virus going around, it is more important then ever to do some virtue-signalling. Greta knows best."

A notorious polluter in Rome.

Earlier in the week Pope Francis condemned worship in his own way, saying (and this bit is true):

What are my idols? Everyone has their own. What are my idols? Where do I hide them? May the Lord not find us at the end of our life, and say: "You are perverted. You have strayed from my path. You prostrated yourself before an idol."

They're behind you!

The Laud-a-to-si Chorus

For those who haven't time to read the whole encyclical, here's a singable version, which contains the essence of the Pope's thinking. The more traddy version is here, with music by Handel.

Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!
For the environment's a mess.
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

For the environment's a mess.
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! 
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! 

Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

The world is heating up
Yes it's true, the world is heating up,
It's all your fault, it's all your fault;
And we shall burn for ever and ever,
For ever and ever, for ever and ever.

If only we'd turned those lights off!

Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Yes, carbon's bad,
And we shall burn,
And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, for ever and ever,
Yes, carbon's bad,
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

"Hmm! A bit repetitive!" (Paul Inwood)

And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! 

Thought for the Dazed

By Giles Fraser

"We're DOOOOMED, I tell you," says Fraser.

Being a clever chap who reads books without pictures in them, I was given the works of St Augustine for my birthday last year.

It's astonishing how St Augustine was concerned about the same issues that worry us Guardian journalists who appear on the BBC and do a little praying in our spare time. For example, in his "City of God," he says:

To the divine providence it has seemed good to prepare in the world to come for the righteous good things, which the unrighteous shall not enjoy; and for the wicked evil things, by which the good shall not be tormented.

Nowadays we recognise that he was expressing serious concerns about climate change.

St Augustine - terrified by the thought of climate change.

Luckily, the horrifying effects of carbon emissions were averted in the 5th century, but we shall not be so lucky. We're DOOOOMED, I tell you. One of the books I have on my shelves - but haven't yet got round to reading properly - is called "The Holy Bible." At the end of it, in a section called "Revelation," there are many shocking predictions of the effects of climate change.

Like me, Augustine was a keen Socialist, and anticipated those great thinkers Marx, Engels, and Miliband. As I always say to my parishioners, I'm on the side of the Engels!

Another subject that Augustine anticipated was the modern Freudian theory of sex. When he wrote in his "Confessions," As a youth I prayed, "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet," he was setting out the basis of modern psychoanalysis, which is SEX.

Freud - his theories explain our basic need for lesbian and gay bishops.

Sex is a very exciting subject, and I love writing about it. The thought of a young woman priest in a tightly-fitting cassock... Phew, is it just me, or is it getting hot in here? Must be all that climate change that we hear about...