Churches to say "Alabama" rather than "Alleluia"

In this Easter season, it is common to hear interjections of "Alleluia" into prayers, hymns, and greetings. Of course, this can be taken too far, as in "After the Alleluia service there is Alleluia coffee served in the Alleluia Cardinal Danneels memorial Hall. Alleluia!" However, to celebrate the new Alabama abortion law, all Catholic churches have been asked to use the alternative liturgy "Alabama!" this weekend.

All churches will be flying this flag.

This is expected to cause particular irritation to the anti-life types, and if you meet Senator Joe Biden in church (unlikely) and say "Peace be with you, Alabama!" don't be surprised if he kicks you in the shins. Still, the decree should not be surprising when we see the great commitment to pro-life issues by our bishops (for example, in the March For Life UK, there weren't actually any English bishops present - it was far too far for Vincent Nichols to travel - but we did see Bishop John Keenan of Paisley).

The Holy and the (Kay) Ivey. Even Baptists feel squeamish about mass murder!

So, on to Handel's "Alabama Chorus" from "Messiah":

A-la-ba-ma! A-la-ba-ma! Alabama! Alabama! A-la-a-bama! etc. etc.

and Paul Inwood's equally celebrated version:

Ala-bama Ch Ch, Ala-bama Ch Ch! Ala-bama Ch Ch, Ala-bama Ch Ch!

You know, I don't think God would mind us dropping a few Alleluias for a week or two, if it also meant that a few million lives were saved. But what do I know?

Addendum I: Of course there's always some stupid commentator who likes to [rude word mening "urinate"] on other people's parties, and Fr James Martin LGBTSJ 666 and "supertroll" Austen Ivereigh did not let us down. But you guessed that would happen, didn't you?

Addendum II: Could this be start of the 2nd American Civil War? Free states versus killer states? I hope not. Can the killers be crushed peacefully?

The Laud-a-to-si Chorus

For those who haven't time to read the whole encyclical, here's a singable version, which contains the essence of the Pope's thinking. The more traddy version is here, with music by Handel.

Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!
For the environment's a mess.
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

For the environment's a mess.
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! 
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! 

Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

The world is heating up
Yes it's true, the world is heating up,
It's all your fault, it's all your fault;
And we shall burn for ever and ever,
For ever and ever, for ever and ever.

If only we'd turned those lights off!

Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Yes, carbon's bad,
And we shall burn,
And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, for ever and ever,
Yes, carbon's bad,
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

"Hmm! A bit repetitive!" (Paul Inwood)

And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! 

An Appetite for Wonder

We are delighted to be able to print an extract from Richard Dawkins's new book An Appetite for Wonder, the first instalment of his long-awaited autobiography.

This bug in a jar proves the non-existence of God.

From an early age I realized two things:
1. I am the cleverest person who ever lived, even greater than my hero Charles Darwin.
2. God does not exist.

You can keep all your great thinkers and philosophers: Aquinine, St Augustus, Decarthorse (memo: check names). They weren't fellows of New College, Oxford with their own Foundation. Nowadays, nobody has heard of them, except the Regius Professor of Divinity, and what does he know about the personal hygiene of flies? Well, there you are.

At school I won all the prizes: the Mrs Joyful Prize for Raffia-Work, the Charles Darwin Prize for Cricket (my essay on "why crickets don't need bats" was reprinted in the school magazine), and of course the Victor Ludorum Prize for the largest brain, measured at Standard Temperature and Pressure.

Would a loving God have allowed such an ugly fish to exist?

Where was God in all this, you may ask? Was He there when I called upon Him, at the age of five, to strike Nanny with a thunderbolt? No, all He gave her, in answer to my prayers, was a slight sniffle, and that would probably have happened anyway after I poured lemonade down her neck.

Darwin is really cool, don't you think? He debated with his critics in a masterly way. I admire the fact that he used to make public pronouncements saying that all Catholics were "vile"! Why on earth didn't they give him a knighthood? Come to think of it, why on earth don't they give me a knighthood? Or, better still, a peerage? I can trace my ancestry back to Sir Richard Dawknobs, the 18th century composer, who many said was greater than Handel. (See pages 48 to 61 for my family tree.)

At school they gave me a special cap to wear.

The secret to life, by the way, is genes. And memes. And - a new hybrid that everyone has missed - gnomes! Basically, a human being is just a gnome's way of making another gnome. And you can never have too many gnomes. Gnomes are denizens of geological time: gnomes are forever.

In Volume 2 - how the Catholic Mafia sent me horses' heads.

Are you a cultural Christian?

It's a funny thing, Christianity, isn't it? Many people would say it was something to do with belief in Jesus as the Son of God, who died for our sins and rose again (and there's a whole lot more, on which there is not always universal agreement). But some people call themselves Cultural Christians, so what's that all about, eh?

Culture for Christians (and others).

Here are some test questions to help you decide whether you are Christian, a cultural Christian, or something else entirely.

1. How often do you go to church?
(a) Once a week, maybe more.
(b) Just for christenings, weddings and funerals. But I stand 
there looking superior, and don't join in any of the hymns.
(c) Never. It's a sexist misogynist relic of the dark ages.

And what do YOU do, Mr Welby?

2. How do you celebrate Christmas?
(a) I go to church a lot.
(b) I buy hot cross buns and easter eggs, which for some 
reason are in the shops at that time.
(c) I call it Yule or Winterval and dance naked in the snow. 

It's a pure coincidence that I have a tree in my living-room.

3. What do you think of the Bible?
(a) A book of inspired religious writing.
(b) It was compiled by bronze-age goatherds, who couldn't 
read or write, but it has some memorable quotations in it.
(c) Nasty, homophobic, vicious. I prefer to curl up with 
Bertrand Russell.

"Nowadays we realise that the Bible was written by bigots."

4. How do science and religion fit together?
(a) Pretty well, really: many of our greatest scientists 
have been religious.
(b) Scientists were forced to be religious, and the best 
ones knew it was all a pretence.
(c) All science produced by religious people is suspect.

Newton (being religious) made an error in his theory of gravitation.

5. Why are you reading this blog?
(a) For spiritual nourishment.
(b) It is part of our Christian heritage, even if it is a 
blog full of vicious lies.
(c) I'm not. No way. Give me Das Kapital any day.

When I hear the phrase "Cultural Christian," I reach for my Zuhlsdorf.

If you replied mostly (a), then you are probably some sort of Christian (but not Giles Fraser). If (b), then you are a cultural Christian, and will no doubt spend much of your time insulting real Christians. If (c), then you may be trying a little too hard, Giles.