Cecil the Lion to be canonized

The death of Cecil the Lion ("the most popular African since Nelson Mandela") has hit the world hard, and both David Cameron and Barack Obama have spoken out about his martyrdom at the hands of "Jihad Walter" the crazed assassin of DENTIS.

Floral tributes in memory of "the people's lion".

Even Elton John has been moved by the tragedy, and is hastily scripting the lyrics of a new song, "Cecil in the Wind".

Accordingly, Pope Francis has agreed to fast-track the canonization of Cecil, so that it may offically be recognised that he has taken his place in Heaven, and is lying down with the lamb, as (almost) predicted in the Bible - you may look up Isaiah 11:6 for the correct prophecy.

Pope St Leo the Great

Lions have always been considered holy in the Catholic Church, and thirteen popes have been called Leo, starting with Pope St Leo I, who was canonized - he's the one who met Attila the Hun and persuaded him not to sack Rome. However, this is the first time that a lion has been proposed for canonization (it is said that one of the medieval popes canonized a hedgehog called Doris, but this is not completely authenticated).

Since his death Cecil has appeared in visions to several people, delivering an announcement from on high. Witnesses say that he uttered the sacred words "GRRR! GRRR!" So far this is message is not fully understood, and its interpretation may keep theologians busy for many years. Finally, it is expected that Cecil will become a patron saint of dentists, hygienists, anaesthetists and dental receptionists.

A young priest preaches at a requiem mass in memory of Cecil.

Methuselah dies

Today the World was in a state of total shock as it was announced that veteran activist and leader Nelson Methuselah had died at the tender age of 969.

Methuselah. Too soon to say whether he died of old age.

Said a typical commentator, "I was shocked to hear of Methuselah's passing. It certainly wasn't something I expected to happen. I think the whole world should go into compulsory mourning for this saintly being. I'm just off to leave some flowers outside Buckingham Palace - and I haven't done that since Princess Diana died."

Preliminary reports saying that Mandelson had died were in error.

One great surprise came with the news that Methuselah had not been taken up directly to Heaven, although it had been widely, er, assumed, that no other fate was possible for such a wonderful being. Meanwhile, Pope Francis is being bombarded with demands that the Vatican grant Methuselah instant canonization, as he is evidently a first-class saint.

When asked what exactly Methuselah had done to merit such adulation, commentators have unanimously praised his patient bearing of imprisonment, with no attempts to escape by digging a tunnel or leaving disguised as a washerwoman, followed by his brilliant career in politics, where he humbly became King, while wisely refusing to attempt revenge on the previous administration (unlike, say, Robert Mugabe, who, although a pious Catholic, is not likely to be mourned so enthusiastically).

Heaven - should it be renamed after its newest arrival?

Of course there will always be curmudgeons, grumblers and brutes who refuse to join in the World's hysteria grief. Obviously they must all be secret supporters of apartheid, and probably they also perform human sacrifices by the light of the full moon. However, it has been pointed out by other writers that Methuselah implemented some of the most "liberal" abortion laws in the world, as well as laws on same-sex "marriage". So perhaps, like the rest of us, he can't hope for much better than Purgatory at this stage; in that case we shall need to pray "FREE METHUSELAH" once more.

Have YOU left flowers? If not, we know where you live!

In other news: the entire United Kingdom has disappeared under water.

Renewing the Church's relationship with men

How can the Pope renew the Catholic Church's relationship with men?
by Catherine Lefftie. This is a shortened version of a New Statesman article.

Catherine Lefftie - the thinking man's old boiler.

What do you call a man who has become the leader of 600 million men?

Pope Francis.

The vast institution he now leads is the oldest in the western world; its relationship to men characterised by paradox. Go into any Catholic church and you will see far more women than men. Accordingly, Pope Francis urgently needs to take steps to make the Church more attractive to those who have XZ chromosomes (Ed., please check this, I'm not very good at science. CL.)

Men do the dull jobs in church, such as arranging the flowers...

... while women have fun stoking the boiler.

It was not always thus. Although the most important non-divine person in the Catholic church is the Virgin Mary, men have also played their part in its history. For example, the first person to see the Risen Christ was a man, Melvie Braggdalene, who went to the tomb to interview Him before the women got there.

Melvie Braggdalene poses at the site of Christ's tomb.

Of course, other men have not had such a good press. For example, arch-villain Judas Iscariot is widely accepted to have been male, and a very poor role-model for modern men.

Another poor role-model.

What Pope Francis needs to do, and I know he bases many of his decisions on New Statesman articles by bitter old lefties, is to make the Church more friendly to men. For example, the Church encourages the blessings of motherhood, and these tend to be enjoyed far more by women than men.

A woman enjoying her blessings.

Religious life is skewed in favour of women. For instance, men are expected to worry about what clothes they wear in church, and to make fashion statements, whereas women are allowed to dress simply and plainly.

The height of fashion.

Of course the priest plays a fairly important part in the life of the Church, but it is well known that every priest must listen to the voices of an army of women telling him what to do. It is no coincidence that the most influential person in British Catholic life is a woman, Catherine Pepinster.

A priest receives his holy orders.

I have devised a ten-point plan (which I have modestly called the "Ten New Commandments") by which Pope Francis can renew the Catholic church's relationship with men. My vision is a stirring one, but time will tell whether it will be realised under Pope Francis's pontificate.