This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 31 March 2013

Renewing the Church's relationship with men

How can the Pope renew the Catholic Church's relationship with men?
by Catherine Lefftie. This is a shortened version of a New Statesman article.

Catherine Lefftie

Catherine Lefftie - the thinking man's old boiler.

What do you call a man who has become the leader of 600 million men?

Pope Francis.

The vast institution he now leads is the oldest in the western world; its relationship to men characterised by paradox. Go into any Catholic church and you will see far more women than men. Accordingly, Pope Francis urgently needs to take steps to make the Church more attractive to those who have XZ chromosomes (Ed., please check this, I'm not very good at science. CL.)


Men do the dull jobs in church, such as arranging the flowers...

Stoking the boiler

... while women have fun stoking the boiler.

It was not always thus. Although the most important non-divine person in the Catholic church is the Virgin Mary, men have also played their part in its history. For example, the first person to see the Risen Christ was a man, Melvie Braggdalene, who went to the tomb to interview Him before the women got there.

Melvyn Bragg

Melvie Braggdalene poses at the site of Christ's tomb.

Of course, other men have not had such a good press. For example, arch-villain Judas Iscariot is widely accepted to have been male, and a very poor role-model for modern men.


Another poor role-model.

What Pope Francis needs to do, and I know he bases many of his decisions on New Statesman articles by bitter old lefties, is to make the Church more friendly to men. For example, the Church encourages the blessings of motherhood, and these tend to be enjoyed far more by women than men.


A woman enjoying her blessings.

Religious life is skewed in favour of women. For instance, men are expected to worry about what clothes they wear in church, and to make fashion statements, whereas women are allowed to dress simply and plainly.


The height of fashion.

Of course the priest plays a fairly important part in the life of the Church, but it is well known that every priest must listen to the voices of an army of women telling him what to do. It is no coincidence that the most influential person in British Catholic life is a woman, Catherine Pepinster.

Father Brown

A priest receives his holy orders.

I have devised a ten-point plan (which I have modestly called the "Ten New Commandments") by which Pope Francis can renew the Catholic church's relationship with men. My vision is a stirring one, but time will tell whether it will be realised under Pope Francis's pontificate.


  1. darling eccles, didn't you get the memo? They's abolishing men and replacing them wiv wimmin, or is that womyn? Dis is in accordance wiv the gospell according to St Tina of Beattie as revealed to St Germaine of Greer. xx Jess

    1. Dear Jessica,

      I think you'll find it's "wopeople".

      Don't you think Eccles is noble, reading this stuff so we don't have to?

  2. I like the 'height of fashion' picture. Shame I don't possess a sub machine gun.

  3. I'm sure the red material in that chasuble is the same as my toddler and baby's pajamas!

    Anyway, why shouldn't the Catholic Church provide full time free childcare as well as appointing me to one of their top jobs with an enormous salary and a named office so that everyone can realise how important I am and obey me? Capisce.


  4. I'd love to know where they got that material as I'm thinking of new living room curtains!

  5. While changing its relationship with men (and women) what about "other..."?

  6. Eccles,

    I made the mistake of reading your two blogs today while in bed.

    Now I've had to change the sheets.

    Thank you VERY much, harrumph,

    1. Sorry about dat, bruvver B!

  7. Happy Feast Day, Eccles. I awoke to find that the Bishop of Rome had stolen my second best Nimbus 2000, and is using it to sweep up the detritus of pizza wrappings and grappa bottles in the streets of Rome. I only leant it to him on the grounds that he would be using it on Cardinal Baloney.
    See "Pure Catholics - they aint saved" for more detail.

  8. Actually Eccles, this obsession with womyn predates the Church. I blame it on the Apokriffa.

    In the “Book of Gynasis” it recalls that Eve objected to being a second-created citizen of Paradyse and told God in no uncertain terms that He was a showvanist - saying “that’ll teach Him!”

    Then in cahoots with Lucyfer (another prehistoric feminist) she force-fed Adam some fruit, saying: “How ‘bout them apples, Adam?”

    The rest is Herstory…