Pope Francis says "stop loving your neighbour"

After 2000 years, the Catholic Church is coming to terms with yet another new development of doctrine, as Pope Francis has announced that the old "rigid" teaching "Love your neighbour as yourself" needs revising. After all, he pointed out, a few minutes' Ignatian discernment will tell you that you are not supposed to love yourself, and therefore you should not love your neighbour either.

This "love your neighbour" stuff is too exhausting.

The new doctrine, to be expressed in an encyclical Non Plus Benevolens ("No more Mr Nice Guy"), will be welcomed by many Catholics who find that loving their neighbours is really too difficult.

Some of the key sentences from Non Plus Benevolens, which are expected to be tweeted interminably in parrot-fashion by Cardinal Napier, amongst others, are the following:

"If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. But only after giving them a good kicking."

"If someone asks you go a mile with them, give them a lift in your car, and drop them in the countryside ten miles from the nearest bus-stop."

"If a man demands your coat from you, then make sure you steal a better one from someone else."

"I'm finding it very hard to love those witless worms, Holy Father."

As one of the Pope's key advisers, Fr James Martin SJ, puts it, "Many New Testament scholars think that these were the messages Jesus was trying to convey, although being a Jesuit he left things completely obscure, which is only right."

Pope Francis also apologised for the recent Year of Mercy, which had not turned out as it should. Many Catholics had entered their local church through the Door of Mercy, not realising that the object of the game was to slam the door in the face of the neighbour following behind.

A Vatican-approved wrestling grip for making your neighbour surrender.

Non Plus Benevolens is expected to be a popular doctrine with liberal Catholics, and very much in line with secular "Every man for himself" practices. As the world's greatest theologian, Massimo Faggioli, points out, it is likely to evolve into "If I don't get my own way, I'll thcweam and thcweam until I'm thick," which is considered to be much closer to the Anglican approach to doctrine (see under divorce, women priests, etc.)

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 8

Continued from Chapter 7

1. So it came to pass that Richard produced the two great achievements of his life, by which he will be remembered by his children; yeah, also by his children's children.

2. But probably not by his children's children's children, who will certainly prefer The Very Hungry Caterpillar to The God Delusion, thus showing that an interest in zoology may be passed on with the genes, even if fanatical atheism may not.

A serious rival to "The God Delusion"

3. We shall speak of The Richard Dawkins Foundation in the next chapter, but now we must record Richard's achievements as a writer.

4. For the time had come for Richard to begin his greatest work. He took the top off his pen, meditated deeply for three hours, and then wrote a sentence that would strike terror into the hearts of all believers everywhere.

5. THE BIBLE DOES NOT EXIST.

6. But then Richard realised that this was too controversial, and he wrote down some alternative propositions.

7. For he said, "Well, maybe the Bible does exist. But it does not mention God. Nor does it mention Jesus. And the people who wrote the Gospels didn't exist. And Jesus did not say the words attributed to Him. Nobody did.

8. And Jesus was not born of Mary, but of someone else. The Magi did not bring gold, frankincense and myrrh; they brought toys, baby clothes, and a pushchair."

Much more useful than a pot of myrrh

9. And Richard continued to write his powerful refutation of religious thought. For he told the world, "Jesus was actually killed during the massacre of the innocents. Also, Jesus did not raise Lazarus from the dead. The man was 'just resting.' And Jesus drowned when He tried to walk on water.

10. Moreover, Jesus did not feed 5000 people, only 4721. It is well known that Jesus was never crucified, in fact He is alive and well and living in Jesus College, Oxford. Finally, when Jesus rose from the dead He found He couldn't move the stone, and decided to die again."

Moving stones like this isn't as easy as it looks.

11. And the people who read these powerful arguments said to themselves, "Why, even if only one of these statements is true, it is surely one in the eye for the Christians, and they will have to close down all the churches."

12. And then Richard learned of our Lord's summary of the Law. And he said "ROFL!"

13. Which, being translated, means, "I cannot love the Lord my God, as He does not exist. And I cannot love anyone as much as I love myself.

The Dawkins family motto

14. For which of my neighbours is worthy of my love? Dr Hahn, who works on the next chicken to me, down at the Zoology labs, he whose mobile ringtone goes 'Cluck cluck cluck,' which is driving me mad?

15. Or the Regius Professor of Topology and Escapology, my neighbour at New College, he who can turn his underwear inside-out without removing it from his body (and how I wish he wouldn't do it in public)? Or old Mrs Jagaroth, my neighbour in our Oxford suburb, she who complains when my wife Lalla throws a party for her old friends?"

A noisy party at Dawkins Abbey

16. So Richard's book was published to great acclaim. For some critics said, "Is it not worthy of a Nobel Prize for Literature? Or at least the Laurel and Hardy memorial prize for knockabout humour?"

17. However, the Oz Foundation awarded Richard their "Straw Man" prize, for they said "He presenteth straw man arguments, which would not convince anyone who had any brains."

"I've always found Richard's 'straw man' arguments very convincing."

Continued in Chapter 9

Love de neihgbor

Ullo dere Bosco, well de trail of Jessus's missin millions seems to have gone cold, but maybe we will come back to it later. Bosco he took a big dose of Fruitcakol before goin to bed last nihgt, and he kissed his cement statue of St Goliath dat I made (it was sposed to be St Peter but I got de scale wrong and it came out 10 feet tall). As a result he had a grate nihgt's sleep, and only woke up three times screemin dat he wornt saved.

We went to de Bibble class, and was introduced to Sister Judy of de Holy Smoke convent, dis was part of de Cathlic instruxion, apparently dey doesnt beet up nuns like we does in de Calumny Chappel, dey even welcoms dem. We gave Bosco some more Fruitcakol meddicin, and dere werent many probblems.

Today's Bible text was "Love de neihgbor as yousself". Dats very controvershal, as our neihgbors keeps comin round at 4 a.m. to say "Shut up Bosco we is tryin to sleep" and we retalliates by superglooin dere grabage bins so dat dey cant use dem. Probbably "Love de neihgbor" is an error in de Cathlic Bibble dey translats it funny sometimes. We is gonna studdy de Sermen on de Mount soon. I looked up de word mount, it means a horse, is we reely gonna have Jessus gallopin round de church, Bosco?

Here's a photo we took of Bosco at his Bibble classes, dat's Father X. Pell de Mons and Sister Judy of de Holy Smoke convent, prayin togevver for de sole of my big bruvver Bosco (dat's him behind if you didnt know).