This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 23 November 2015

Archbishop suddenly discovers sin

It's not been a good weekend for the Archbishop of Canterbury. Not only has his video nasty "The Lord's Prayer" been banned in cinemas, as already recorded, but he has suddenly been introduced to the notion of sin.

Specifically, he said that the recent terrorist murders in Paris led him to ask God where He was.

three wise monkeys

The three wise primates - see no evil, etc.

It is unusual for a man to reach the rank of archbishop without knowing that there is an inexhaustible well of evil in the world, but it can happen. As His Grace explains, "In the oil industry, where I began my career, there were very few acts of violence, unless you count the great Esso-Shell-Texaco gang warfare of the 1980s. The Church of England, where I am now, is full of people who believe themselves to be totally without sin, and they're probably right. Admittedly, we have this thing called 'General Confession', but it's so vague as to be meaningless. 'Erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep'? Doesn't sound too bad, does it?"


More tea, Justin? Eccles educates an archbishop.

We pointed out to Archbishop Welby that people had been murdering each other ever since the days of Cain and Abel, not to mention the great massacres of the Reformation, and a few (alleged) sinners in the 20th century such as Hitler, Stalin and Mao. "Oh, they must have slipped my mind," he admitted.

We then pointed out that one of the reasons that Jesus came into the world, apart from amusing Himself by turning water into wine and making large quantities of fish sandwiches, was to bear the sins of the world. This struck the archbishop as a brilliantly original theory: "You mean that my whole job is based on the fact that there is evil in the world?" he asked. "Well, well, I never thought of that one. You've really taught me a thing or two, Eccles!"

Tony Rezk icon

The Archbishop was startled when we told him that Christians were being martyred in the Middle East.

We planned to conclude our little chat with a prayer together, namely, "Our Father", which also mentions sins, but, out of consideration for the feelings of the National Secular Society, we decided not to do anything so controversial.


  1. I know exactly where Justin is coming from (other than a rather comfy apartment in Lambeth Palace). I too only woke up to the existence of evil a bit late in/on the day when it rained on my parade and I discovered that the local Greggs had run out of apple turnovers. There are some wicked gannets out there.

  2. " . . . but, out of consideration for the feelings of the National Secular Society, we decided not to do anything so controversial."

    Hey, Eccles. That's really SPOOKY. Zephyrinus is putting up a scintillating Post, tomorrow, mid-day, on The National Secular Society.

    And you've mentioned it, NOW.

    Really SPOOKY !!!

    Are you a Warlock ? (Not the Archbishop.)

    Otherwise, an excellent Article on Sin. (Not the Cardinal.)

  3. The Archbish would get along just fine with my parish priest. He hasn't mentioned sin - the word - in I don't know how long. He talks about faults, mistakes, failings....the guy's a walking thesaurus, on this topic anyway. But never The Word, not even in May Almighty God have mercy on us, forgive us our [inserts euphemism of his choice] and bring us to everlasting life.

    1. CD,

      In one way, you're a lucky man. I thought all walking thesauruses (thesauri?) were wiped out by a very big asteroid 4.63 million years ago.

    2. No, you are thinking of another species which succumbed to Raquel Welch in a fur bikini. I know that's true, I've seen the movie.

  4. News just in, well by gad, "Monkey See, Monkey Do!". Obviously, one of the primates has gone missing!

  5. ". . . led him to ask God where He was."

    God was up there wondering when we were all going to start listening to Bat Ye'or.

    1. Bat Ye'or? Bat Ye'or?

      Initially, I thought this must be a modern version of 'Kumbayah'. Maybe my teachers were right when they said I was a bit dhim.

  6. Standpoint Feminist demonstration expected at the weekend in front of The House of Commons to protest against the "Our father" as being patriarchal and so inegalitarian. One CoE pseudo-bishop has said it could be called "Our Mother". For true inclusion the Ipswich Institute for Inclusive Innovasions or IIII has proposed the "Our Mother/Father/Other/All Three/None of These" solution.

    1. Feminists such as FEMEN are a bunch of nympho-lesbo killer whores.

    2. Sure ....... but are they OK as people?

    3. I wrote this sonnet to remind me of 'the types' for a sociology exam

      Empiricist feminists, living the dream,
      Scientifically swim against Malestream.
      Postmodern feminists, some romantic,
      Resist all things thought Androcentric.

      Realist feminists want transformations,
      Of social structures across the nations.
      Feminists surfing in, upon New Waves,
      Resist the masters and free those slaves.

      Ecofeminists, environmental and keen,
      Turn the patriarchy, through envy, green.
      French feminists, and some Anglophones,
      Philosophise, deep in poststructural homes.

      Applying their make-up is most revealing,
      Discarding mirrors, they use glass ceiling

    4. And having decided that this would be healing
      They hurl their abuse at the Lord' own revealing.


    5. FEMEN is to "being OK as people" as Lucifer is to "being OK as an angel."

    6. FEMEN are slaves. Lovely Oxymoron.

  7. I wrote something really witty in here ... but I might have used the 'Sign out' button instead of 'Publish'. So, as I can't think of anything witty to say at the moment, could you all think of something ... hold it in your mind ... chuckle ... and attribute it to me. Thanks for the cooperation.