The 2023 Catholic Advent Calendar

Here it is then, your handy cut-out-and-throw-away guide to this year's Advent Calendar.

Behind the windows we find:

1. Slightly early, we start this year's Catholic Advent Calendar in the only way possible - by being synodal.

2. It's a new boy on the block, Cardinal "Tucho" Fernández, whose job is to keep us on the straight and narrow. No sniggering at the back, please.

3. Behind today's window of the calendar we find a packet of Uncle Ted (McCarrick)'s rice. Delicious!

4. An old friend - the Mercy logo, designed by the merciful Pope's favourite artist, Marko Rupnik.

5. Who is that grumpy character hiding behind the next window of the calendar? Why it's Austen Ivereigh, official spin-doctor and synod "expert"!

6. Today's star of the calendar has chosen to offer Mass while dressed as Tarzan in leopard-skin vestments. This is what being Church is all about!

7. The Catholic Advent Calendar displays a Christmas stamp, based on some of the finest artwork available in the Vatican collection.

8. Blushing modestly, Sister Natalie Becquart emerges from behind today's window. Natalie is a synod mother, but in her spare time she is interested in religion.

9. All the holy people we have seen so far on the Catholic Advent Calendar need sacred spaces for their worship, and the Bristol airport multi-faith bus shelter is one of the most sacred.

10. Behind today's door there's Father Brown, a Catholic priest who wears a maniple round his neck. Watch out - your priest may be doing the same!

11. Michael Voris comes out of the Vortex to appear on our calendar. In disgrace with Church Militant, but he should easily find a job in an institution without a morality clause, such as the Vatican.

12. A very popular cardinal, Wilton Gregory, pops his head out of today's window. Uncle Wilt is very fond of traditional worship - some of it dating as far back as the 1960s.

13. We see "the grammar of synodality on display" (to quote the Vatican) - lots of people with nothing better to do sitting round tables and chatting.

14. Oh look, we see Uncle Arthur Roche, cake-eater and TLM blocker extraordinaire, modelling one of those trendy blue "I'm really a layman" shirts.

15. You may have been expecting the traditional photo of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, but instead it's his book "Come forth", all about how Lazarus was the disciple Jesus loved and a pioneer of homosexual rights. Top theology!

16. We open the next window to reveal Fr Guilherme, the DJ priest!

17. Now we see financial wizard Giovanni Becciu, who, we hear, is now moving to a new address!

18. We see the best of contemporary worship in today's picture, as a priest demonstrates the use of an inflatable altar.

19. Cardinal Marx enjoying an LGBT Mass. Big Rhino is expected to welcome the new Church teaching on blessings (whatever it is).

20. "BE SYNODAL" screams a synod expert. We must, since of course a kenotic de-centering is a new way of being Church!

21. Time to relax with some beautiful architecture as today we see the famous "multi-storey car park" church in Madrid, which I visited a few weeks ago.

22. It's Cardinal Cupich taking part in a pagan ceremony involving a dragon. We don't know whether FFS permits him to bless the creature, but he does anyway.

23. That fat man whom nobody believes in has dropped in from the North Pole to do some popesplaining. Yes, it's Mike Lewis of "Where Potato Is"!

24. We end as we began - synodally. This is now a listening Church and Pope Francis is always willing to listen to what the faithful have to say. (Offer does not apply to Africa, Poland, and a few other rigid places.)

And a merry and blessed Christmas to all readers!

The 2022 Catholic Advent Calendar

In the end, this is what I saw after opening all the little windows.

For the record, this is what was revealed:

1. We start off in party mood with Cardinal Coccopalmerio.

2. We see the return of another great religious figure (complete with a new hairstyle). Blair.

3. Jolly old Uncle Wilt is here to celebrate a TLM with you. Or not.

4. Now, Advent is traditionally the season for synods, and we ask "Who is missing?" Are YOU doing enough to change the teaching of the Catholic church?

5. Out pops one of the greatest theologians of our age - or, indeed, any age - Mike Lewis of the "Where Pacha Is" blog.

6. Music is an important part of worship, and the vuvuzela won a recent Twitter poll on the subject. Enjoy!

7. A real heavyweight today - Cardinal "Rhino" Marx enjoying the LGBT surroundings.

8. Devout Catholic Nancy Pelosi heads into retirement, vowing to spend her declining years in performing good deeds.

9. Ooh look, it's Tommy Reese, the very model of a modern liberal Jesuit.

10. It's Cardinal Maradiaga. In a world of financial and sexual scandals, here is someone we can really believe in.

11. This new cardinal, Robert McElroy, is described as a "kindred spirit of Pope Francis". Need we say more?

12. A spiritually nourishing picture of a drunken man surrounded by custard pies (World meeting of families). By Father Marko Ivan Rupnik SJ, who is in a spot of bother right now.

13. Unlucky 13. We begin the second half with Bishop Gustavo Óscar Zanchetta. Pope Francis has backed him all the way, so it's rather unfortunate that Z's been sentenced to 4 1/2 years in prison.

14. No prizes for recognising Devout Catholic Joe Biden, seen here doing his Mussolini impersonation. In his spare time Joe tells me he is President of the Thing c'mon, you know man. His views on marriage and infanticide are truly fascinating.

15. Cardinal Becciu (my financial adviser) says he could have been pope if only the newspapers would stop writing about him. Better luck next time, Angelo!

16. We haven't had a distinguished theologian yet - unless you count December 5th - so here is Massimo Faggioli ("Max Beans" to his friends), a modern Aquinas, winner of the "Top Theologian named after a vegetable" prize for 10 years running.

17. Cardinal Farrell, a friend of the famous McCarrick, is Camerlengo of the Church. I was wondering who Pope Francis had told him to appoint as his successor, but he hasn't told us yet. Probably one of the people on this calendar...

18. We all love genial Archbishop Paglia. Vincenzo ("Paggles" to his friends) has brought a new mission to the Pontifical Academy of Life, commissioned a homoerotic mural in which he features, and is a supporter of charitable donations.

19. Although he is now almost entirely forgotten, the devout Boris Johnson was the first Catholic prime minister of the UK. In 2019-2022 the country went through a golden age in which Christian doctrine dominated public life. Possibly.

20. Blase Cupich, winner of a recent world cup of cardinals. Universally loved.

21. We welcome Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis, the great Redeemer" etc. and now an "expert" charged with writing up all the moans and grumbles from contributors to the Synod on Synod on Synods. Whoopee!

22. Father James "Jimbo" Martin LGBTSJ. Known for his, er, imaginative Catholic teaching, and for bringing "gay" and "trans" issues into as many debates as possible.

23. At this time of year we wait for the fat man in red in whom nobody really believes. "Santa" Roche knows whether you've been bad (TLMs) or good (NO masses)!

24. We open the last window on the Catholic Advent Calendar to reveal a symbol of happiness and joy.

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all readers!

The 2021 Advent Calendar

Well, there were a few changes from last year's Advent Calendar (all that's best in contemporary Catholicism).

We opened the windows and we found:

1. Jolly Uncle Arthur Roche.
2. Prof. Faggioli's book on two entirely unrelated subjects - Joe Biden and Catholicism.
3. The historic meeting between Little Amal (L) and Big Vin (R) in Westminster Cathedral.
4. Wilton Gregory, keen Democrat activist and now a cardinal.
5. The modern socially-distanced way of spraying holy water - with a water-pistol.
6. We address the deep theological question: "Mary, did you know?" Sing along with me, please.
7. Cardinal Becciu is here to give you advice on your investments.
8. Ask any Catholic and he will tell you that the biggest problem in the world is the lack of synods. This is now being rectified!
9. It's Thomas "Don't let young people attend the Latin Mass" Reese. SJ of course.
10. We honour the police who have so often prevented us from celebrating Mass.
11. Bishop Barron is here to reassure us that we shall all be playing guitars in Heaven.
12. We celebrate the wedding of Boris Johnson, who after 56 years suddenly realised that he was a Catholic.
13. A German "earth altar". Nobody knows why.
14. This happy couple needs no introduction!
15. Another iconic couple greets us. It's LGBTQ-activist Fr James Martin SJ and his friend David Haas, a top composer of liturgical music!
16. I don't know whether to catalogue this book as "horror" or "comic".
17. We are greeted by two of New York's finest Catholics.
18. We offer some essential supplies to help us restore the "sign of peace" as soon as possible. These may be a bit difficult to read. They say:
    • Green: Okay with hugs and high-fives.
    • Orange: Okay with talking but not touching.
    • Red: Hi! I'm keeping my distance. [Personally, I always go for the red option.]
19. We see this year's Vatican nativity scene. No spacemen, unfortunately, but we do have a visitor from the Amazon at the manger.
20. It's Austen Ivereigh! He knows if you've been bad or good, and will tell your bishop if he thinks you're bad!
21. Archbishop Vincenzo Paglia of the Pontifical Academy for Life is your man, whether you want homoerotic murals or a tolerant attitude to abortion!
22. Our celebrations would not be complete without Pachamama, seen here just before she went for a swim in the Tiber.
23. We said farewell to Hans Küng this year.
24. Sister Jeannine Gramick LGBT of New Ways Ministry. Condemned by the CDF but (mercifully) praised by Pope Francis.
25. This last scene may bring you joy.

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all readers!

The 2020 Advent Calendar

This year's Advent calendar shows us all that is best in contemporary catholicism:

• A great year for Biden and AOC, generally regarded as Top Catholics;
• A red hat for Uncle Wilt Gregory, who provided spiritual support to Donald Trump;
• The generally-admired Vatican nativity scene, which showed us the true meaning of Christmas;
• Pachamama!
• Masterpieces of church architecture, as seen in the World Cup of ugly churches;
• Uncle Ted!
• Cupich, Kasper, Marx, Becciu, Nichols, representing the big boys in the college of cardinals;
• Jimbo and Austen, furiously scribbling best-sellers with a slightly Catholic theme;
• BOFF!
• A collection of liturgical scenes and miscellaneous items; and, last but not least,
• The Holy Father demonstrating the ancient art of Papa-Slappa.

And a happy and blessed Christmas to all readers. Stay saved.

Fr James Martin tries Conversion Therapy

The subject of "Conversion Therapy" or "Reparative Therapy" is controversial, and according to that top papal adviser Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, "such programs have been discredited by nearly every reputable psychiatrist, cause immense psychological harm to people, and 'cure' nothing."

Thus it came as a surprise when Fr Jim knocked on the door of the Dr Eccles Clinic and demanded conversion.

The patient, before Conversion Therapy.

We strapped him down in a chair, attached electrodes to him, and injected him with Ecclesine, the new wonder conversion drug.

Day 1. The patient begins to revise his views on Biblical teaching. He concedes that perhaps Jesus did not get His best ideas from the Canaanite Woman, and that maybe after all Mary Magdalene was not "the Church" between the time of the Crucifixion and the Resurrection.

Day 2. The patient admits that it is just possible that the Holy Spirit is male, and not female.

Day 3. Big strides forward. The patient burns his collection of Pachamama idols, and the collected works of Austen Ivereigh. He admits that America Magazine is "rubbish from beginning to end".

"This garden-gnome will have to go!" says Fr Jim.

Day 4. Another success! Fr Jim starts regretting his obsession with LGBT issues, and says that "building bridges" is not the answer. He doesn't quite go as far as admitting the existence of sin, but things are looking promising.

Day 5. Another surprising statement from Fr Jim: "Thomas Merton was a dirty old man and a heretic!" He decides to abandon his Jesuit membership, and says that "Ignatian Yoga destroys your soul and causes hernias."

Day 6. We try giving the patient a Bible, a Penny Catechism, and a copy of the Eccles blog. This proves to be too much at this early stage, and he is rushed into intensive care, suffering from an overdose of Spiritual Nourishment.

Day 7. The patient is given a copy of the Catholic Herald, and manages to digest it without becoming feverish. Soon he will be ready for undiluted Catholicism.

Surely that's a Catholic priest?

Day 8. The Conversion is Complete! Fr Jim is now a fully orthodox Catholic. Perhaps, indeed, we have gone too far: he is reading all the conservative blogs and making derogatory comments about Amoris Laetitia. What would Pope Francis say?