Pope Francis is stuck in the lift (elevator)

Shortly before issuing a list of new cardinals which exceeds all previous lists in absurdity (a bunch of homosexual activists, left-wing agitators, freaks, gnomes, toads, creeps and weirdos unparalleled since the time when Cupich was given a red hat), Pope Francis was apparently stuck in a lift for 25 minutes. The stress of this experience is maybe what caused him to muddle up two lists he was keeping - one of people to excommunicate and one of people to raise to cardinal.

"Going down..."

Now, I know that I was seen in the Vatican today, optimistically pushing several lift buttons at once, but I must reassure you that I had nothing to do with Pope Francis's mishap. As in the 2013 Conclave we should thank the Holy Spirit for stepping in.

This is not the first time that the Holy Spirit has given a Pope a warning just as he was about to do something rash. Back in 2000, Pope John-Paul II was trapped in a broom cupboard for hours, just as he was about to issue a list of new cardinals containing the name of Jorge Bergoglio. However, he did not realize that this was a sign from above, and went ahead regardless.

"No, no, Holy Father, I'm sure it wasn't a sign."

Going further back, Pope John XXIII was trapped in the toilet for six days in 1959, emerging to call the 2nd Vatican Council. Was his incarceration a sign from Heaven that it would bring trouble?

The saintly pope's experiences were commemorated in a song, which later became one of Marty Haugen's greatest hits:

"Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Pope John is stuck in the lavatory.
He has been there from Monday till Saturday.
Nobody knew he was there."

Still, not all mishaps suffered by popes are necessarily warnings that they are about to do something rash. But in the case of Pope Francis, there is little doubt (and he has received too few warnings).

... and there came a mighty rushing wind...

Bad Hymns 11

The Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are pleased to welcome Daniel Schutte, author of the hymn I, the Lord of sea and sky.

E: Now tell me, Dan, are you in fact the Lord of sea and sky? If so, what about the land? Are you telling me that the Navy and Air Force have surrendered to you, but the Army is fighting on?

Doctor, we're being attacked by a man called Schutte, who's already taken over the sea and sky.

DS: No, Eccles, you've got this all wrong. I am referring to God here, and I left out "land" because it wouldn't fit.

E: Oh I see. A bit like Psalm 46 then? Be still, and know that I am God. We used to sing this at school when I was young, but when I broke a window the teacher would never believe that it was an act of God. It was very confusing.

DS: Anyway, think of it as if God were singing my hymn, and not us. Modestly, I felt it was appropriate to put a few words into His mouth.

E: I who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. But stars aren't dark, they're very hot and luminous. Well, many of them.

Proof that stars are not always dark.

DS: No, no, it's referring to "my people." Er, God's people, that is. They're mentioned earlier. Blimey, this grammar business isn't easy, is it?

E: Ah. So tell me about the chorus to your song, Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard You calling in the night. That's not God speaking, is it?

DS: No, it's us.

E: Well it's true that I do sometimes hear noises in the night. Usually, it's my aunt screaming at the Internet. Are we all supposed to have heard God in the night?

DS: Well, it was Isaiah, really. But as in many modern hymns I am asking you to draw attention to yourself, and say "Look at me! I'm as good as Isaiah!"

Isaiah, who rarely got a decent night's sleep.

E: So what are we saying about ourselves, Dan?

DS: Well I thought you would quite like it, Eccles. We are saying that we are specially chosen people, and we're going out to save everyone else.

E: Oh, of course. As long as the hymn is about how great we are, and not about God. No wonder it's popular. Oh just one last thing...

DS: Yes, Eccles?

E: I the Lord of wind and flame, I will tend the poor and lame. I've got it, haven't I? Pentecostalism?

Wind and flame.

DS: Nice rhyme, though?

E: Oh all right. Not poor and lame. Well, not completely. Mr Schutte, thank you so much for coming along.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.