The World Cup of Controversial Saints

The results are at the end of this post.

Let's get one thing straight before we start. Once someone is canonized, it is up to Catholics (at least) to accept that this is an infallible decision. So we are not talking about people you want to de-canonize, but rather about those whose canonization has at some time been questioned. Possibly for one of the following reasons:

1. They may never have existed.

2. It was too soon, and their case was not properly examined.

3. They were at some time accused of heresy or blasphemy.

And so on. So if you are taking part in the Twitter/X poll, you may wish to think of saints you are least likely to call upon; these are not the saints who are in Heaven but sitting in the back row or behind a pillar (such places are occupied by those who are so far only Beatified).

The Plains of Heaven, by John Martin.

Here is my list so far, received from various sources. Further nominations welcome, preferably with evidence that someone didn't think they should be canonized.

Carlo Acutis
Christopher
Conus
Edith Stein
Faustina Kawalska
John Henry Newman
Josemaría Escrivá
Junípero Serra
King Louis IX of France
Maximilian Kolbe
Mother Teresa
Oscar Romero
Philomena
Pope Celestine V
Pope Gregory VII
Pope John XXIII
Pope John-Paul II
Pope Paul VI
Thomas Aquinas
Thomas More

I repeat, this is NOT an invitation to slag off saints. And my personal views don't enter here. We'll start the World Cup soon after the World Cup of Ugly Churches ends.

The Plains of Hell, by James Martin.

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The super-sixes were as follows:

Oscar Romero 32.3% -- Josemaría Escrivá 8.3% -- Pope Paul VI 59.4%

Pope John XXIII 53.6% -- Henry II, Holy Roman Emperor 21.7% -- Carlo Acutis 24.7%

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Third place playoff

Oscar Romero 69.1 v Carlo Acutis 30.9

Bronze gets an Oscar! I mean, Oscar gets the Bronze.

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FINAL

Pope Paul VI 59.5 v Pope John XXIII 40.5

In this Vatican II finale, Paul gets the gold medal, and John the silver.

"Congratulations, but I didn't really want the gold medal, anyway."

Pope Francis is stuck in the lift (elevator)

Shortly before issuing a list of new cardinals which exceeds all previous lists in absurdity (a bunch of homosexual activists, left-wing agitators, freaks, gnomes, toads, creeps and weirdos unparalleled since the time when Cupich was given a red hat), Pope Francis was apparently stuck in a lift for 25 minutes. The stress of this experience is maybe what caused him to muddle up two lists he was keeping - one of people to excommunicate and one of people to raise to cardinal.

"Going down..."

Now, I know that I was seen in the Vatican today, optimistically pushing several lift buttons at once, but I must reassure you that I had nothing to do with Pope Francis's mishap. As in the 2013 Conclave we should thank the Holy Spirit for stepping in.

This is not the first time that the Holy Spirit has given a Pope a warning just as he was about to do something rash. Back in 2000, Pope John-Paul II was trapped in a broom cupboard for hours, just as he was about to issue a list of new cardinals containing the name of Jorge Bergoglio. However, he did not realize that this was a sign from above, and went ahead regardless.

"No, no, Holy Father, I'm sure it wasn't a sign."

Going further back, Pope John XXIII was trapped in the toilet for six days in 1959, emerging to call the 2nd Vatican Council. Was his incarceration a sign from Heaven that it would bring trouble?

The saintly pope's experiences were commemorated in a song, which later became one of Marty Haugen's greatest hits:

"Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Pope John is stuck in the lavatory.
He has been there from Monday till Saturday.
Nobody knew he was there."

Still, not all mishaps suffered by popes are necessarily warnings that they are about to do something rash. But in the case of Pope Francis, there is little doubt (and he has received too few warnings).

... and there came a mighty rushing wind...

I'll be the Eminence Grey, sir!

To celebrate Cardinal Vincent Nichols's recent complete and utter silence on moral issues such as abortion, and his new support of the dissident organization Quest, we have rewritten a classic song in his honour.

Any resemblance between the following song and the "Vicar of Bray" (words and historical background here, and a sung version here) is purely deliberate.

In good Pope Pius' golden days,
When I was just a laddie,
I knew that if I wanted power,
I'd have to be a traddy.
At football matches I wore red,
Dressed in the finest satin.
In Liverpool they speak broad Scouse,
But I spoke classic Latin.

And this is law, I will maintain
Unto my dying day, Sir.
That whatsoever Pope may reign,
I'll be the Eminence Grey*, Sir!

*Eminence Grise, a person of great power.

"That kid's up to no good."

When John the saintly came to rule
And called a great assembly,
I really thought "Oh, this is dull,
I'd rather be at Wembley!"
The Council's rush for drastic change
I could not but acknowledge,
So feeling "cool" and "modern", I
Went to the English College.

And this is law...

When Paul the Sixth possessed the throne
Amidst reforms spectacular
I dropped my Latin, and soon learnt
To pray in the vernacular.
And as the liberals seized the church
I grew each day much bolder.
I got ordained and offered Mass
With God behind my shoulder.

And this is law...

"Watch out, that young chap is up to no good."

John Paul the first did not stay long
But soon we got the Second:
Quite orthodox was I just then
And soon preferment beckoned.
From Westminster (auxiliary)
To Birmingham translated -
As Archbishop, I knew that now
For greatness I was slated.

And this is law...

When Benedict became the Pope,
He thought I was inspiring,
To Westminster he sent me then
Since Cormac was retiring.
Summ-or-um Pont-i-fic-um now
Meant Us-us An-ti-qui-or.
It caused most liberals, like me
Despair, regret and fear.

But this is law...

"Watch out, he's up to no good."

At last they drove old Ben away.
Pope Francis came, and said that
To mark the year of Mersey, now
I'd get my longed-for red hat.
I praised the clarity and style
Of good Pope Francis' preaching,
Though soon the outraged world found out
He'd dropped all ancient teaching.

And this is law...

Any time you feel like retiring...

So now I have run through the list
Of popes I've had to follow,
And if I don't become the next,
Then life will seem quite hollow.
For Quest and ACTA I support,
I let "gay" masses flourish,
And this is what you'll get from me
When e'er Pope Francis perish.

Still, this is law, I will maintain
Unto my dying day, Sir.
That whatsoever Pope may reign,
I'll be the Eminence Grey, Sir!

The Spirit of Magna Carta

As readers will be aware, today is the anniversary of the signing of Magna Carta - a little-known Vatican II document - by "King" John XXIII, who had been forced to make concessions to the powerful barons of the Church (known in those days as bishops). Since Magna Carta has long been regarded as the main origin of the rights enjoyed by modern Catholics, it may be helpful to explain exactly what these are.

King John XXIII checks the Magna Carta.

It was agreed:

1. That the following sins were no longer to be considered as serious, or to be punished by eternal damnation: murder, theft, adultery, false witness, coveting neighbours' oxen.

2. That no Catholic could be forced to sing "Shine, Jesus, shine," "Lord of the Dance," "If I were a butterfly," or anything by Paul Inwood.

3. That no Catholic could be forced to attend clown masses, puppet masses, gay masses, or masses with liturgical dancing.

The same applies to Dalek masses.

4. That retiring collections should be optional (the official position of "burly chap who stares menacingly at you until you have coughed up money for CAFOD to squander" being abolished).

5. That masses need no longer be in Latin, but the common people were allowed to worship using vernacular expressions such as "Eee, by gum", "Yaki da, boyo" and "Cor, strike a light, guv!"

6. That the "Kiss of Peace" was strictly optional, and anyone seen prodding his neighbour in order to intimidate her into a kiss would be considered guilty of assault.

Eeek, my lunch just kissed me!

7. That the barons would be allowed to celebrate Ascension Day, Corpus Christi, etc. on any day that suited them, rather than using the same ecclesiastical calendar as the King.

Such hard-won rights continue to this day, so we are indeed lucky to have Magna Carta.

Can the Curia reform Pope Francis?

The Curia - essentially the Vatican's Civil Service - is a body with a long and distinguished history. It was founded by Christ Himself, when he gave Peter the keys to Heaven and - as a consolation prize - passed on the keys of His filing-cabinets to the other disciples, saying "Keep an eye on him."

These filing-cabinets were made by St Joseph the carpenter.

However, popes come and go, while the Curia endureth for ever. When a new pope is elected, he often arrives with new and exciting ideas about how the Catholic Church should be reformed. It is the duty of the Curia to make sure that God's business is carried on as usual, and nothing changes.

Cardinal Humphrey Appleby explains.

Says Cardinal Appleby, the Permanent Secretary to the College of Cardinals: "When Pope Francis came on the scene, he was full of new ideas that would have been disastrous to implement. For example, he wanted the Swiss Guard to invade the Falkland Islands, he wanted to introduce the tango as a compulsory part of the Mass, and he wanted the cardinals to dress like the Argentine football team. We dealt with these ideas by our standard method, saying 'Yes, Holy Father. What an interesting idea. We must set up a committee to look into these plans.' We also manage to divert the pope by giving him long documents in Latin to read: since he he failed his Latin Certificado General de Educación Secundaria we knew he would never get through them."

A group of cardinals poses in their proposed new vestments.

Of course, the Curia's blocking tactics are not always successful. When Pope John XXIII came up with his own modest wish-list of changes, the Permanent Secretary of the time, Cardinal Arnold Robinson, made the mistake of persuading him to convene the Second Vatican Council. For three years the politicians of the Catholic Church quarrelled with each other - during which time John himself left his Ministerial post, being promoted to a new position in Heaven - and it looked at first as though this time-wasting device would have the desired effect. Numerous reports and memoranda were produced - dignified by the name of constitutions, declarations and decrees - and in the end they were filed away unread, as intended. However, the Church still managed to change in bizarre ways unforeseen by Cardinal Robinson, who was forced to resign in disgrace.

"Yes, Holy Father." The Curia humours a new pope.

Cardinal Appleby continues: "The last two years have been very difficult for us. Normally I get to vet all papal speeches, to make sure that the Holy Father doesn't commit himself to any significant new policies. However, the present incumbent has become very adept at making off-the-cuff statements, usually in aeroplanes, causing severe embarrassment to us." Although this has not been publicly admitted, it seems that Cardinal Bernard Woolley, the Pope's Principal Private Secretary, is looking into the possibility of lacing Francis's in-flight gin and tonic with a powerful sleeping drug, so that he sleeps during flights, rather than re-inventing Catholicism.

"No new doctrine today, guys. Must... lie... down..."

Which brings us finally to the Extraordinary Synod of 2014, and the General Synod of 2015. This is part of Cardinal Appleby's high-risk strategy for blocking the pope's ideas for reform. Everyone - except, apparently Vincent Nichols - remembers those confusing votes which decided (or not) the statement to be issued by the Extraordinary Synod under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The crusading idealism of Cardinal Kasper came head-to-head with the more conventional orthodoxy of Cardinal Burke and his allies in the Resistance. Appleby himself is proposing that Cardinal Kasper be sent on a round-the-world fact-finding mission, from which he will probably never return.

"Listen very carefully, Cardinal Burke, I shall say this only once."

Still, Pope Francis remains unreformed, and all Catholics must pray that the Curia manages to keep him on-message. His predecessor, Pope Benedict, now in retirement, admits that he "never managed to get round Appleby," and perhaps in the end Francis will be similarly thwarted.

Peter D. Williams versus Hans Küng

Welcome to another edition of Unbelievable with me, Justin Bieber Welby Brierley. Today we have a no-holds-barred fight between Peter D. Williams of Catholic Voices, and Professor Hans Küng, learned professor and Catholic priest in good standing (it says here).

"King" Küng discusses female ordination.

JB: So, Professor Küng, would you like to tell us when you first went mad?

HK: Jawohl. It happened when I was a student. One day I suddenly realised that I was right about everything, and the Pope was wrong. Clearly, the Catholic Church needed a programme of urgent reform. I wrote half a dozen books about it over the next few weeks, and became a priest. As a result Pope John called the 2nd Vatican Council, and appointed me as his main expert on the Catholic faith.

Pope St John XXIII - he owed everything to Hans Küng.

Of course, since then I have been badly betrayed by the Catholic hierarchy. Joseph Ratzinger, who I appointed to Tübingen, was a big disappointment: in those days I was the Dean and he was a mere Professor, so he used to clean my car and do my shopping for me. But he soon left to go to a more conservative establishment, and now refuses to recognise that his subsequent success was all due to me.

Then I used to write letters to that Polish pope - can't remember his name - asking to be made a cardinal, but he ignored me completely. Now at last Pope Francis is taking notice of me. I sent him 17 of my recent books and he said he had never laughed so much since Maradona scored a goal with his hands! Great guy.

Pope Francis reads Hans's views on the priesthood.

JB: Now over to you, Peter Williams.

PDW: Thank you so much for having me here, Justin, and it is an honour and a privilege to be able to talk to a learned man as distinguished as Professor Küng, and to point out that he is barking mad.

JB: Now, what's all this about women priests?

PDW: Jesus... the priesthood... anamnesis... Last Supper... memorial sacrifice... no dames...

HK: Nonsense... Jesus not even at the Last Supper... Priests not mentioned in the Bible... 1 Corinthians 11... my book Why is the Pope going to Hell?...

PDW: Sorry... no evidence of your views in the Biblical texts... Matthew 16... John 21... scripture... tradition...

HK: Read my books: The Gospel according to St Hans, or The letters of Hans to the Romans... I studied 7 years in Rome... priest in good standing... the Mass is never a sacrifice... think of all the suppers at which Jesus DIDN'T say anything about His Body and Blood... I've been a Catholic for 86 years... young whippersnapper...

"Read all these books? Why I wrote them all..."

PDW: Why would anyone want to call themselves a Catholic if they were not a Catholic?

HK: My views are shared by millions of Catholics... well, some... well, I met some men down the pub who did... Why do you insist on referring to the Bible, as if it were some sort of Holy Scripture?

Some men down the pub.

JB: Can I intervene here, and ask the professor what he thinks about giving Communion to Catholics who have murdered their wives, buried them in the garden, and run off with their same-sex lovers?

HK: This is an everyday situation, and I see no problem with it. Clearly the Church must change its teaching on this matter.

PDW: Er... interpretation not in accordance with scripture... Ephesians 55... Daniel 42... Revelation 99... Bingo!

HK: All the Protestant churches interpret scripture my way! Well, the Calvary Chapel does, and the Jehovah's Witnesses think I'm wonderful. You Schweinehund! I'll get you afterwards.

JB: Well, that's all we've got time for now. If you think that Peter D. Williams is a bullying thug who has gone out of his way to humiliate a distinguished old man, then please do write in and tell us.

Peter D. Williams. The hard man of Catholic Voices.

The full version is here.

Sir Simon Jenkins explains Canonization

From the Guardian's "Comment is free and worth every penny" section.

The Catholic Church declared two new saints at the weekend. Although I am not a Catholic, I am a very important person, and I run the National Trust. What's more, I once wrote a book called England's Thousand Best Churches, and so I am definitely an expert on ecclesiastical matters.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Now, I can tell you that what goes for the National Trust should equally apply to the Catholic Church, and canonization is just medieval nonsense. Miracles, Prayer, the Virgin Birth, God, ... these are all things that no intelligent Catholic believes in, and I should know because I am a very famous person who got a knighthood for services to the fishwrap industry - I was knighted at a moving ceremony attended by a million devoted worshippers!

N.B. They said it was a miracle that a dimwit such as I should be given a knighthood, but we know that miracles don't exist!

My journalism has helped to feed the starving millions.

I am less indulgent to the behaviour of religions. More death and destruction is being perpetrated in the name of religion than for many decades past - Pope Francis may claim that Pope John XXIII and Pope John-Paul II never went berserk in a crowded theatre with a machine-gun or crashed aeroplanes into Church of England cathedrals, but I know better.

AAARGH! I HATE RELIGION!! IT'S A MENACE TO MILLIONS!!! IT DESERVES NO RESPECT AT ALL!!!! NURSE!!!!! MY MEDICINE!!!!!! QUICK!!!!!!!

Pope canonizes Laurel and Hardy

Although all eyes are on Rome this weekend for the canonization of Popes John XXIII and John-Paul II, we have learned that Pope Francis has just recognized another pair of saints by telephone.

"It says 'If you wish to change Catholic teaching, press 1...'"

Apparently a lady in Argentina wrote to the pope, saying how much she admired Laurel and Hardy, and he telephoned her to tell her that from now on they were saints - St Stanley and St Oliver.

The miracle of the raising of the piano.

Although it is unusual for popes to make infallible statements by telephone, "instant canonizations" are not without precedent - Our Lord Himself chose twelve disciples for fast-track canonization, although in the end only eleven of them passed the course.

St Stan and St Ollie are among the more amusing people to have been canonized, although it is generally accepted that they may hold a second-rate status among saints. There are precedents for this.

I'm St James the Less. And yes, this does give me an inferiority complex.

It is hoped that this new announcement will not be a distraction from the canonizations of the two popes, which is expected to be a much more spectacular event, with liturgical dancing, Pinocchio puppets, and a mad woman from the Tablet rushing in to say "STOP!" This will be followed by a state banquet for the 5,000 celebrity guests, consisting of loaves and fishes. Pope Francis himself is said to be worried by the expenses, saying "Couldn't I have done all this by telephone?"

Well, here's another nice Mass you've gotten me into!

How many saints have you met?

As far as I know, I have not met any officially-recognised saints, and indeed most of us haven't. However, my retired parish priest, Monsignor M., has certainly met Pope John-Paul II - or, if he hasn't, then he must have photo-shopped a picture of himself with the late pope; which monsignors don't normally do. So I am only two steps away from a saint (or will be, this weekend).

This is what saints look like.

Of course, saints are by definition already dead, so if you want to meet a saint you must catch him or her while still alive. It seems that my advert in the Tablet, "SAVED PERSON WOULD LIKE TO MEET SAINT. OBJECT: DOING GOOD THINGS" was doomed to failure.

Still, you may be able to spot embryonic saints going about their everyday business.

The halo is sometimes a give-away.

For the purposes of this post, we shall have to exclude the latter-day saints, many of whom may be wonderful people but are not quite what we had in mind. Luckily, someone has given me a little book, which will help me with my saint-hunting.

Have you seen any of these people recently?

By the way, did someone overlook Pope Pius XII?

Two old friends who are not yet saints. >

QUAERITUR: Is Latin bad for your soul?

Over at the little-known Rorate Caeli blog, they have broken the news that Michael Olson, the bishop of Fort Worth, Texas, has banned the Extraordinary Form of the Latin Mass at Fisher-More College (which is odd, as Fisher and More would have been amazed to see a Mass celebrated in English).

+Worth.

In his letter, +Worth issues various threats (called "norms"), explaining "I make these norms out of my pastoral solicitude and care for the students of Fisher-More College, as well as for your own soul."

As a well-regarded arbiter of moral issues, I have been asked, "Is Latin bad for your soul?" So here is some definitive advice on the degrees of sinfulness involved.

Latin or Soul? The great dilemma.

Slightly sinful: using expressions like "e.g.", "i.e.", "Q.E.D." and "R.I.P." in conversation (not realising that they are LATIN). You should certainly mention this at Confession.

Dangerously sinful: deliberately showing off with expressions such as ipso facto or persona non grata. Atone for this by making a pilgrimage on your knees to a holy place such as Fort Worth.

In peril of damnation: attending Mass and using expressions such as Gloria in Excelsis Deo, which God regards as a personal insult. Will probably be excommunicated, just as soon as they've got round to dealing with Enda Kenny.

Damned for all eternity: attending an Extraordinary Form Mass, similar to those celebrated by all Catholics fifty years ago. No hope of being saved!

Pope John XXIII: canonization cancelled after complaints from Bishop Olson.

I hope that helps.

The 2012 Tabloid Lecture

A longer and funnier version of the lecture appears here.

Catherine Popehater, Editor of the Tabloid comic (motto Ecclesia Contra Papam), was very pleased that Kaiser Wilhelm II agreed to give the 2012 Tabloid lecture. Last year, by mistake, we invited Vincent Nichols, who said that, on balance, he thought that poisoning the Pope was not the only possible answer to the problems facing the Catholic Church. This year, we have managed to find someone less conservative.

Robert Blair Kaiser.

These days, both wings of the Church are saying that the Second Vatican Council was a failure. I do not believe that this is true. For one thing, it allowed an obscure talentless journalist such as myself to make a career out of the Catholic Church's problems, just because I am a fluent Latin speaker.

I remember meeting Pope John XXIII just before the Council opened. "Hic, haec hoc!" I said to him, challengingly, and followed this up with "Mensa, mensa, mensam, mensae, mensae, mensa!" The Pope looked at me in a puzzled way, crossed himself, and moved on: it was at that moment that I knew I had influenced the Church in a way that would go down in history.

John XXIII - he had no answer to my arguments.

His predecessors, Pius XI and Pius XII, had campaigned against Evil. As an historian, Papa Roncalli knew what a risky business this could be. "No more moralizing," he said. I am sure he didn't want the Council to take sides in the so-called battle between God and the Devil.

As the Council opened, I sought out America's most famous Catholic preacher, Bishop Fulton Sheen. I expected him to be sleeping in a cardboard box under a railway bridge, but when I saw that he was staying in a hotel, I instantly knew that he was a reactionary. "This Council will be inspired by the Holy Spirit," he said.

"Never heard of Him," I retorted. "Can you tell me how to interview Him?"

Bishop Sheen merely smiled sadly, and I knew that we would be in danger, if the Holy Spirit - an unelected grandee - tried to interfere in the Council's decisions.

Fulton Sheen - did he wear gloves to avoid leaving fingerprints?

Well, you expect to see dinosaurs like Sheen when bishops are appointed by the Vatican hierarchy, instead of being democratically elected like police chiefs, in a free ballot in which atheists may also participate!

In the end, unlike the previous twenty Councils, in which some mythical person called "God" had played a key role, Vatican II was inspired directly by the 1960s ethos. The inspirational figures of the 1960s - people like Ronald Biggs, Jimmy Savile and Christine Keeler - were all to be found outside the Church oligarchy.

Christine Keeler, in prayer.

The Council changed the way we thought about God and the World. Indeed, Pope John and his Council made preliminary moves that helped end the Cold War - and, only 25 years later, Communism collapsed. (I make this comment since I am not pretending that the effects of the Council were always beneficial.)

Marxists reflect on the threat posed by the Council.

Before the Council, Mass had to be celebrated by a priest. Afterwards, nobody went to Mass anyway, so it didn't matter.

Before the Council, women were forbidden to attend Mass. Afterwards, they were freed from their bonds and allowed to participate fully in the life of the Church. The shock of this liberation drove some women insane with joy, and special caring arrangements had to be made: for example, Patient C was appointed editor of a Catholic comic, while Patient T was sent to sheltered accommodation in Roehampton.

Roehampton - a place where crazy people are respected.

Before the Council, Catholics were forced to read the Bible. Afterwards, they could read my best-selling books The Selfish Pope and The Pope Delusion.

Before the Council, we were sin-obsessed. Nowadays, Good and Evil are recognised as lifestyle choices, and nobody in the Church dares to say that one is better than the other. Before the Council, people spoke of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. Nowadays, we know that nobody will judge us, not even God.

Do we really see God like this, as a judge?

What we modernizing Catholics really hated was the Council of Trent (1545-1563). When announcing Vatican II, Pope John XXIII stated that the precepts of the Council of Trent continue to the modern day, but of course he wasn't serious. What could a bunch of medieval people know about sex and drugs, and rock and roll?

The Council of Trent. We hates it, we hates it, we hates it.

When Jesus addressed the multitudes on that hillside overlooking the sea of Galilee, he didn't tell them how to behave. He told them how to have fun. Jesus could have learned a lot from Vatican II - the Council told us what he should really have said. Which is as it should be.