The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

BAD HYMNS October 2024

Gold: Mary, did you know?
Silver: Gather us in.
Bronze: All are welcome.
Fourth Place: Lord of the Dance.

SYNODAL JARGON (2024) November 2024

Gold: forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality
Silver: the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process
Bronze: athletes and standard-bearers of synodality
Fourth Place: understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion

POST-BIBLICAL SAINTS January 2025

Gold: Thomas Aquinas
Silver: Augustine of Hippo
Bronze: Benedict of Nursia
Fourth Place: Teresa of Ávila

SUBJECTS FOR PAPAL DOCUMENTS February 2025

Gold: Abortion and IVF
Silver: Persecution of Christians
Bronze: Same-sex marriage
Fourth Place: Surrogacy

NARNIA POLL April 2025

Gold: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Silver: The Last Battle
Bronze: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Fourth Place: Prince Caspian

NAME THAT POPE May 2025

A dead heat between Leo and Gregory.
John and Clement in 3rd and 4th places.

We got Leo right. More-or-less.

PREDICT THE POPE May 2025

Gold: Pizzaballa
Silver: Erdő
Sarah and Eijk in 3rd and 4th places.

We didn't call this one correctly.

UGLY CHURCHES (2nd contest) September 2025

Gold: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA
Silver: Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany
Bronze: Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany
Fourth Place: St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland

CONTROVERSIAL SAINTS October 2025

Gold: Pope Paul VI
Silver: Pope John XXIII
Bronze: Oscar Romero
Fourth Place: Carlo Acutis

CATHOLIC CONVERTS May 2026

Gold: St John Henry Newman
Silver: St Edmund Campion
Bronze: St Edith Stein
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

No kneeling in Church!

Top Cardinal Blase Cupich (well he has twice won the World Cup of Bad Cardinals) has spoken:

A message from our champion:

Certainly reverence can and should be expressed by bowing before the reception of Holy Communion, but no one should engage in a gesture that calls attention to oneself or disrupts the flow of the procession.

What can he possibly mean? Are people doing the Haka? Engaged in weightlifting (muscular Christianity)? Or pointing at the deacon and giggling at his rose vestments?

Permit Austen Ivereigh, the man with the Pope's ear (he keeps it in the freezer) to explain.

Austen Ivereigh is feeling disrupted.

Apparently, what Bad Cardinal Cupich is referring to is the sin of kneeling. (I don't think I've ever seen anyone throw themselves down, but who knows what they do in the Ivereigh Towers?)

Presumably he's not referring to the TLM, in which *everyone* throws themselves down - I mean, kneels? Thanks to Blase's over-zealous interpretation of Trads Cussed, trying to conduct a TLM in Chicago is now as dangerous as celebrating St Valentine's Day was in 1929, so Al Cupone is unlikely ever to encounter one - not even an LGBTTLM, which is what he would probably prefer.

In the "Hail Maori" rite, these gestures are permitted when receiving the Sacrament.

Anyway, the following showy and disruptive activities are now discouraged in the Catholic Church.

* Kneeling, especially if it delays Dr Ivereigh when he is anxious to go home.
* Genuflecting.
* Making the sign of the cross, or similar showing off how "reverent" you are.
* Saying "Amen" when receiving. Actually the TLM liturgy already acknowledges that this is showy and disruptive, so it is not done.
* Looking unnaturally pious. Or, in general, taking the whole thing seriously.

I hope that helps.

The eight worst cardinals

The second World Cup of Bad Cardinals has reached the quarter-final knockout stage, and we have the following contests to look forward to.

Roche v Gregory, McElroy v Cupich, Marx v Parolin, and Maradiaga v Coccopalmerio.

Comparing this with the first World Cup, we have promising newcomers Roche, Gregory and McElroy, displacing Kasper (mostly retired from heresy these days), Danneels (dead) and Tobin (nighty, nighty, Joe!). The other five are old lags, and it will be interesting to see how they cope against the new boys.

Results to be posted here as we get them.

Arthur Roche 69.0 v Wilton Gregory 31.0.

Wilt has been as onboxious as possible recently, but Arthur is clearly a class act too. The English supporters are already crying "The trophy's coming home!"

Uncle Arthur, hater of the TLM, lover of cake.

Uncle Wilt, another hater of the TLM, lover of Biden.

Robert McElroy 16.2 v Blase Cupich 83.8.

Rob is a promising newcomer (definitely the sort of person we expect to see Francis appoint as a cardinal), but the current champion, Soapy Sue, wipes the floor with him.

"Why do they talk about my covering up of abuse, and not of my Judo skills?"

Our current champion ticks all the boxes: LGBT rights, suppression of the TLM, etc. etc.

Reinhard Marx 67.3 v Pietro Parolin 32.7.

Silver medallist from last time, Rhino has been working hard on his heresies, and is determined to get a medal this time. Parolin has modelled himself on Judas Iscariot, at least as far as China is concerned, but on the day the boy was outclassed.

Silver medallist last time, and continues to disgust.

"Chinese sell-outs? Financial scandals? Not me!"

Oscar Maradiaga 44.2 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 55.8.

The closest of the four quarter-finals. Both are experienced fighters, with reputations that are hard to choose between. So Cocco takes it, but he will not be asked to take a drug test.

"Financial and sexual scandals? Me?"

"Drug-fuelled homosexual orgies? You must be thinking of someone else."

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SEMI-FINALS.

Arthur Roche 66.4 v Reinhard Marx 33.6

Blase Cupich 72.8 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 27.2

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF.

Reinhard Marx 63.5 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 36.5

The silver medallist in 2019, Rhino Marx, has to settle for the bronze medal. Cocaine Palmerio takes the 4th place as he did last time.

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THE FINAL.

Arthur Roche 46.4 v Blase Cupich 53.6

After a hard-fought contest, the 2019 champion, Blase Cupich, wins the gold again, and Arthur Roche has to settle for the silver medal and the "most promising newcomer" award.

The 2nd World Cup of Bad Cardinals - the runners

Well, it's not quite 4 years since the first World Cup of Bad Cardinals, but for obvious reasons now seems like an appropriate time to give the new talent a chance to compete with the old boys.

The medallists last time.

We now have [now updated] 32 nominations, consisting of all those who reached Round 2 last time (apart from Godfried Danneels who reached the last 8 but soon after went to his just reward), together with a few new guys who look very promising.

Jean-Marc Aveline
Lorenzo Baldisseri
Giovanni Becciu
Tarcisio Bertone
Joao Braz de Aviz
Francesco Coccopalmerio
Blase Cupich
Michael Czerny
Timothy Dolan
Francisco Errázuriz Ossa
Kevin Farrell
Oswald Gracias
Mario Grech
Wilton Gregory
Jean-Claude Hollerich
Walter Kasper
Roger Mahony
Oscar Maradiaga
Reinhard Marx
Robert McElroy
Wilfrid Napier
Vincent Nichols
Seán O'Malley
Marc Ouellet
Pietro Parolin
Arthur Roche
Christoph Schönborn
Leonardo Steiner
Luis Tagle
Joseph Tobin
Silvano Tomasi
Donald Wuerl

[Now updated.] Since we now have the magic 32 entrants, nominations are closed, and the competition will start on Friday 2nd September.

Oh, and we excluded popes, past and present, and also Uncle Ted McCarrick.

"Eccles simply doesn't appreciate my achievements."

The Gift of Traditionis Custodes

We are truly honoured today, in that His Eminence Cardinal Blase Cupich, winner of the 2019 World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has asked us to publish an excerpt from his Prattle blog.

A worthy winner - but there is some promising new talent on the horizon.

I think it is important to point out from the outset that a careful reading of the motu proprio reveals the Holy Father's intention in issuing this document. Simply put, it is to give the wretched traddies a kick in the teeth! How dare they reject all the innovations of the present saintly pope, such as Amoris Laetitia and Pachamama! Filial Corrections! DUBIA! I spit on your Dubia! Being all so much holier-than-thou because they use obsolete forms of worship, read obsolete books like the Bible, and hold to obsolete notions such as morality!

I don't think this will go down too well, Eminence, so shall we start again? Have some Valium before you start.

Oh all right. The pope's intentions are to reform the Roman Rite by getting rid of it. We all know how good Reform is. Do we not celebrate the Reformation? The word "reform" means something, namely that we leave behind old ways of celebrating the sacraments, and make up new ones. Modernize, Build Back Better, Blah blah blah © St Greta, SMASH THE TRADS...

"You called TC a 'gift'?"

Eminence! More Valium?

Yes, sorry. We need to express the unity of the Church by stamping on all those who don't like 1960s ideas. Remember the liturgical books promulgated by the saintly popes Paul VI, John-Paul II and Francis, in conformity with the decrees of the Holy and Blessed Second Vatican Council. Between the years of 33 AD and 1965 the Church had got everything entirely wrong, and these saintly popes^TM made it clear that we must leave behind our former ideas of prayer, kneeling, worship, solemnity, and holiness, and instead we must PARTY PARTY PARTY.

There are three guiding principles that Pope Francis provides for implementing TC.

The Unity of the Church. Pope Francis has united the Catholic Church in that everyone thinks he is a complete idiot. No, I didn't mean that. I mean that he has united the church by bashing those whose views differ from his own.

The Second Vatican Council and its reforms were the work of the Holy Spirit and are in continuity with the tradition of the Church. Continuity with tradition is an important phrase here - it means changing everything completely.

The role of the bishop as the sole moderator and guardian of liturgical life in his diocese. Yes, since all he needs to do is exactly what Pope Francis wants him to do. He has complete freedom of action. You don't imagine that I became a cardinal by thinking for myself, do you?

From now on, this is the preferred form of worship.

And now try and say the following without giggling.

I believe that we can use this opportunity to help all of our people come to a fuller understanding of the great gift that the Council has given us in reforming the way we worship. I take seriously my obligation to move forward in a way that promotes a return to a unitary celebratory form in accord with the directives of TC, but in the meantime, we all need to pray, as Jesus did the night before he died, that all may be one.

How to be a Catholic blogger

Since the only spiritually nourishing item of news this week is the de-colonization of the Pope, it seemed like a good idea to write about something else. Following the lead of Mundabor, I will give readers the benefit of my ten years' experience (we started here in June 2011 and are expecting some readers to turn up any time now).

Polly the nun, first seen here in 2011.

1. Make money out of it. There is nothing a reader likes more when he clicks on a blog than being asked the following:

i. Do you accept cookies?
ii. Would you like notifications every time more rubbish is posted?
iii. Would you like to install the Ecclesblog App?
iv. Can we come round to your house for tea?
v. How much can you donate ($1,000,000 would be reasonable)?
vi. Would you like to buy some "Saved Eccles" coffee?
vii. Oh, you came here to read the blog? Weird!

As Dr Johnson said "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Well he was obviously wrong, as I'm not a blockhead am I? I'm not. Honest.

2. Make it all about you. Obviously a Catholic blogger may occasionally say something religious - about as often as the Pope's Twitter account does - but people are really here to know about the exciting life you lead. If you have four pet hippopotamuses, write about them ad nauseam - indeed you could even put up a guest post from Batmanghelidjh (the fat one) in which she describes how wallowing in mud enriches her spiritual life. Or if you did a pilgrimage to Lourdes (the supermarket down the road), then tell people about your struggles in the low-carbon toilet paper aisle.

3. No rude jokes. If the Pope is in hospital, don't say "He has a pain in the backside" accompanied by a picture of Austen Ivereigh. Still less with a picture of James Martin, as that could have a totally misleading interpretation. Just back off, right?

4. Don't be scared to recycle old jokes. I must have used that "Rhino Marx" joke at least half a dozen times. I vow never to do so again. Oh all right, once more for luck.

An old joke.

5. Don't use your real name when posting. Mundabor had that advice too. You use your own name to post something totally innocuous such as "2+2=4" or "Men have XY chromosomes" and the public will beat a path to your door, up the stairs, and into your bedroom, where you're peacefully lying in bed thinking of new insults for Cardinal Becciu. Luckily nobody knows that I am actually an eminent cardinal from Guinea!

6. If you can't think of anything to write, run a poll. Thanks to me the world now knows that the worst hymn ever written is "Lord of the Dance", that the worst Cardinal is Cupich (until the next poll, which is not far away), and the ugliest church is St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan. So you know what to avoid.

"We're please to welcome Cardinal Cupich today. And now, Hymn number 666, 'Lord of the Dance'."

7. Post when you feel like it. Professional Catholics have to produce posts, scoops, Youtube stuff, podcasts, interpretative dance videos, etc. etc. on a regular basis. Darn it, even bishops feel they have to produce pastoral letters when all they can think to talk about is carbon footprints and "build back better". Can't they just say "You're all DOOOMED!" and leave it at that?

So, only post when you have something brilliantly incisive and witty to say. Like I do.

Eccles (Nobel Prize for humility).

Pope Francis is stuck in the lift (elevator)

Shortly before issuing a list of new cardinals which exceeds all previous lists in absurdity (a bunch of homosexual activists, left-wing agitators, freaks, gnomes, toads, creeps and weirdos unparalleled since the time when Cupich was given a red hat), Pope Francis was apparently stuck in a lift for 25 minutes. The stress of this experience is maybe what caused him to muddle up two lists he was keeping - one of people to excommunicate and one of people to raise to cardinal.

"Going down..."

Now, I know that I was seen in the Vatican today, optimistically pushing several lift buttons at once, but I must reassure you that I had nothing to do with Pope Francis's mishap. As in the 2013 Conclave we should thank the Holy Spirit for stepping in.

This is not the first time that the Holy Spirit has given a Pope a warning just as he was about to do something rash. Back in 2000, Pope John-Paul II was trapped in a broom cupboard for hours, just as he was about to issue a list of new cardinals containing the name of Jorge Bergoglio. However, he did not realize that this was a sign from above, and went ahead regardless.

"No, no, Holy Father, I'm sure it wasn't a sign."

Going further back, Pope John XXIII was trapped in the toilet for six days in 1959, emerging to call the 2nd Vatican Council. Was his incarceration a sign from Heaven that it would bring trouble?

The saintly pope's experiences were commemorated in a song, which later became one of Marty Haugen's greatest hits:

"Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Pope John is stuck in the lavatory.
He has been there from Monday till Saturday.
Nobody knew he was there."

Still, not all mishaps suffered by popes are necessarily warnings that they are about to do something rash. But in the case of Pope Francis, there is little doubt (and he has received too few warnings).

... and there came a mighty rushing wind...

The Magnificent Eight

We have reached the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, and some real giants of the sport have fallen by the wayside. We say a tearful farewell to Baldisseri, Dolan, Schönborn, Wuerl, and several others who keep this blog going by their comic antics.

Still, we have the last eight, and a cracking set of cardinals they are. Looking for drugs, homosexual affairs, embezzlement, or simply persistent and dangerous heresy? Well you won't find them here, just eight papabile princes of the church. (Thank you for writing these comments for me, Fr Spadaro.)

So the draw is as follows:

1. Walter Kasper v Oscar Maradiaga.

RESULT: 64-36. Oscar "The cash of God" Maradiaga played well, but the veteran player Wally Kasper, with a lifetime of heretical experience to call on, won through fairly easily.

2. Reinhard Marx v Luis Tagle.

RESULT: 79-21. Class and experience win over Yoof-ful ambition as Rhino Marx crushes Chico the hipster to reach the semi-finals.

3. Blase Cupich v Godfried Danneels.

RESULT: 65-35. The glory days of the Sankt Gallen Mafia are over as "Godless" Danneels drops out, beaten by Cupich, the expert on rabbit holes and great pal of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.

4. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Joseph Tobin.

RESULT: 69-31. We say "Nighty-night, baby" to Joe Tobin, as Cardinal Cocco snatches the last semi-final place (C will not be asked to take a drugs test).

As usual, MAY THE WORST MAN WIN!

Fans are already getting very excited at the prospect of the final round of this competition, which begins on February 5th. Remember that some of the cardinals have been training for months, taking advice from such experts in Catholicism as Professor Massimo Faggioli, Fr Thomas Rosica, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and Fr Dan Horan of Babylon.

From the street outside Eccles towers we hear all-night cries of "Nighty-night, baby!" and "Who wants some cocaine?" competing with "The money was resting in my account before being moved on" and some humble finger-snapping dances. The eight "barmy armies" (fan clubs) are out in force, but only one cardinal can ultimately win. We are ready to release the Smoke of Satan from the Vatican chimneys when we know who that is!

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UPDATE: the semi-finals are:

1. Blase Cupich v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 50.4-49.6. Every vote counted, and in the end Cupich goes to the abuse summit confident of his place in the final. Wally fought back hard, with attacks on Müller's explanation of Catholic teaching, but in the end sheer vileness triumphed over a lifetime devoted to heresy.

2. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 39-61. Knowing that Pope Francis was cheering him on, Rhino easily crushed the man with the lampshade on his head, and he goes into the final. This week's abuse summit will be an opportunity for the two finalists to show their talents before next week's FINAL.

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Now, boys, I want a clean fight! Cupich and Marx discuss their prospects in the final.

UPDATE: the third place playoff:

Francesco Coccopalmerio v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 28-72. The veteran Kasper won this easily. Cocco's one well-known moment of extreme vice wasn't enough for him to make much impact on a man whose whole life has been devoted to destroying the Catholic Church. Bronze medal for Wally!

The FINAL: Blase Cupich v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 61-39. In the end a crushing victory for the Chicago boy: Pope Francis's backing at the abuse summit clearly helped to swing it for him. Marx's own performance was lacklustre, and it almost seems that he didn't want the trophy.

Finally, the medallists.

The World Cup of Bad Cardinals - the runners

I don't know, I turn on the phone each morning to see what spiritual nourishment the world has to offer me, and every day there's another cardinal disgracing himself. If it isn't Dolan cosying up to Joe Biden, or Napier praising Occasional-Cortex, the pro-abortion dancer with the part-time brain cells, it's Rhino Marx bleating about a change in sexual morality.

The forgotten Marx brother.

So, after hitting my head against the wall seven times (Biblical), I decided that the only way for us saved laymen to express our disgust was to run a World Cup of Bad Cardinals.

Now, the World Cup of Bad Hymns was a great success, except that Marty Haugen still hasn't got in touch to thank me for his silver medal. We won't have 64 entrants this time, just a maximum of 32, so we should get through the tournament more quickly. Remember that 1 in 12 of the Disciples was unsaved, and my estimate is that we'll find a similar proportion of the 200+ cardinals in the same position.

Obviously, I'm excluding Pope Francis, out of respect for the office he bears, and let's leave McCarrick to rot in his beach house - he resigned from the College of Cardinals, anyway - but there are plenty more to choose from. Living ones only, though.

"I think we've got this one sewn up!"

Update: these are the 32 fine cardinals who will be competing. Some lesser-known villains were eliminated by lottery, but I think all the superstars are present.

Baldisseri, Becciu, Bertone, Braz de Aviz, Coccopalmerio, Cupich, Danneels, De Kesel, Dew, Dolan, Dziwisz, Errázuriz, Ezzati, Farrell, Gracias, Kasper, Ladaria, Mahony, Maradiaga, Marx, Napier, Nichols, Ouellet, Parolin, Ravasi, Schönborn, Sodano, Tagle, Ticona Porco, Tobin, Woelki, Wuerl.

Yes, yes, I know, this is a highly offensive ad hominem attack on the Princes of the Church, but, in the words of Terry-Thomas:

"You're an absolute shower!"

Oh, and thanks to @Rach_StBern, who "borrowed" it from Fountains Abbey, we even have a prize to hang round the neck of the winning cardinal.

May the worst man win!