This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 20 March 2016

Rude words in church

This is loosely based on a real incident.

Dear Fr Arthur,

Being a man of advanced years (36), I sometimes drop off in your sermons. To my horror, I awoke at one moment and distinctly heard you say the word "knickers". To the best of my knowledge I have never heard such bad language in a church service before. If you are referring to something in the Bishop's Letter, then a little respect is needed, don't you think?

Fr Arthur

Fr Arthur uses a rude word.

Eccles, you moron,

My sermon was about refugees, and I was encouraging my parishioners to donate much-needed gifts to the "jungle" at Fraseur St Gilles, near Dunkirk. These would include any spare pullovers, knickers, tins of beans, Eccles cakes, pet hamsters, rowing-boats, guns, and copies of Enid Blyton's The Famous Five discover Transgenderism that you may have. But no sausages.

May I remind you that these days social awareness is more important than religion, and so we don't talk about God in our homilies.

wee box

A mysterious photo in the Catholic Herald.

Dear Luke Coppen, Editor of the Catholic Herald,

What exactly is a wee box? Is it what we used to call a toilet cubicle? And why should the Herald print a photo of Mrs Sturgeon inaugurating some?

No reply was received.

Walking on custard.

Dear Graham James, Anglican Bishop of Norwich,

Could you explain this photo of you jumping up and down on a tray of custard? Is it an attempt to ingratiate yourself with the great Damian Thompson, custard correspondent of the Spectator? Or is it merely a new liturgical dance?


  1. Ah 'The famous Five' - I thought I had read them all although that particular one mentioned must have escaped me. Always had my suspicions about George though.

    I'd have liked to have seen the photo of the Anglican Bishop taken one second later than the one you showed.

  2. "Wee box"?
    "WEE BOX"??????
    And I thought ou litrugy committee had a tin ear when they decided we should all proclaim that, "We are Cross People!"....

  3. Just for the record, bruvver Eccles, the annual "wee box" Lent collection for the Scottish Catholic International Aid Fund is one of the few genuinely ecumenical activities of any merit that we have in Scotland. In the past it has even been formally launched by a manager of Glasgow Rangers, Ally McCoist.

  4. I haven’t the foggiest idea who the two people on the left of the photo are or who the chap on the right is and I suspect that many people might be a bit mystified by the other people in the photo, too. So for their benefit here is an explanation (Eccles style).
    The rather plump lady with the black jacket and pink top is Ruth Davidson, leader of the Scottish Conservative Party. As a lesbian in a committed, long-term relationship with another woman, Ruth is a great admirer of Catholic teaching on sexuality and marriage. She is most noted for saying this during her speech in support of redefining marriage in the Scottish Parliament.
    On Ruth’s left is Nicola Sturgeon, the leader of the SNP. Nicola is fanatically committed to supporting Catholic teaching on sexuality and marriage at every opportunity and declared this during her speech to the Scottish Parliament as she ever so reluctantly put forward a Bill to redefine marriage.
    On Nicola’s left is Willie Rennie. Yes he’s got a very upset stomach because his colleagues keep losing their seats. Willie is totally straight. Well, as straight as any Lib Dem can ever be. But he has written copiously about how he just adores Catholic teaching on sexuality and marriage and how he was forced by his colleagues to support the Bill redefining marriage. He’s also very upset about his party saying that Catholic schools are a cause of social and ethnic divisions in society.
    Finally we arrive at Patrick Harvie, the co-leader of the Scottish Greens. Patrick is self-declared as being bi-sexual. He may be currently living with a male partner but then that might have changed. Despite his party having said in their 2007 Manifesto that they would abolish Catholic schools, Patrick is a great admirer of the work that Catholic schools do, especially in the field of sex education. But then, Patrick is possibly better informed about what goes on in Catholics schools than many Catholic parents are.
    So it’s very nice to have SCIAF’s wee box endorsed by such great admirers of the Catholic Church and all of its teachings.

    1. Thanks, Brother Highland. So it's even more of a mystery why the Catholic Herald wanted a photo of these unsaved persons. Perhaps the ones we can't identify are saintly.

  5. For rudeness, the Novus Ordo must win it then with the vulgar tongue Mess!