The twelve days of Christmas

I started this song 3 years ago, got up to verse 5, and then gave up. Now, being totally lacking in shame, I have decided to complete it.

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...a bishop in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...two turkeys' books, ...

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...three old hens, ...

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...four cardinals, ...

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...five Dubia, ...

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...six priests a-preying, ...

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...seven Synners Synning, ...

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...eight clowns a-circling, ...

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...nine Roches raging, ...

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...ten Pachamamas, ...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...eleven guards a-guarding, ...

Finally, on the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...twelve popes a-poping, ...

Burkegate - What Pope Francis really said

A special article by Austen "Spindoctor" Ivereigh for the Where Pachamama is blog.

The Pope is an astonishly patient man, and will sink his enemies even if it takes him ten years to do it. Seeing all the bad publicity he was getting for his merciful and patient attacks on Cardinal Burke, he summoned me to Rome as a matter of urgency so that I could explain to the world what he was up to. Did I mention that I am an expert on papal matters?

I flew to Rome from Bristol airport, stopping on the way at the Multifaith Bus Shelter for a spot of Pachamama devotion, also in order to pin up a mural by my favourite artist Marko Rupnik. The place was deserted apart from an Incan sacrifice taking place at the same time.

A sacred place!

Patient merciful Pope Francis the Humble was not in good health - a sprained wrist through slapping too many Chinese girls - but he explained to me that he loved Cardinal Burke - after all, we are commanded to love our enemies, and Burke was one of his worst enemies. With their Dubia, Burke and his fellow-conspirators had asked Pope Francis to explain some aspects of Amoris Laetitia several years ago, knowing perfectly well that clear and unambiguous teaching is against the rules of the Jesuit order.

Burke had also dared to criticise the Synod on Synodal Synodality of Synodhood, arguably the most important Catholic event since Pentecost, saying that it was a complete waste of time. Having myself attended as an expert, I know that getting barmy old ladies sitting round tables and moaning is the true future of the Church!

We must all be Synod!

At this point in our discussion, Francis found his patience tried beyond all limits, and he humbly kicked Rupnik, the Vatican cat, through the window. "Don't worry," he said. "Pick up the body and give it to Mike Lewis. He'll eat anything."

Instead of living in a broom cupboard, as the humble Holy Father does, Cardinal Burke has a much larger apartment, and this is now required by other cardinals who wish to hold "get-togethers" there. I know that Cardinal Coccopalmerio has already put in a bid.

Who is this shadowy figure?

Of course Burke is still a member of two dicasteries, and of the Apostolic Signatura, but as Pope Francis explained, he should regard these positions as honours, and not expect to be paid.

So what message am I to take away from my meeting with the Humble Father? First, although in our conversation he described Burke as his enemy, he has now sent me a note saying "I never used the word 'enemy' nor the pronoun 'my'." Obviously we all misheard - it's easily done. Also he certainly never said "We hates him we hates him, nasty Burkies, we hates him, my precious, and we is going to throw him out on the streets!"

I hope I have made it clear, and let me repeat this: Pope Francis is patient, kind and merciful, and Cardinal Burke is a meanie. Strickland has fallen! Burke has fallen! Who will be next? Aha!

Great stuff, Austen. And the cat pie was delicious! Mike.

Mike Lewis!

Fr Spadaro takes up education

Over now to St Bergoglio's Jesuit College, where the head teacher is just introducing a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON to the primary class.

HT: Now class, I want you all to give a big welcome to Fr Antonio Spadaro from the Dicastery for Culture and Education. He's going to give you all a lesson so that we can see how modern education works.

The Pope meets a cultured and educated man.

AS: Hello, everyone. Let's see what you know. We'll start with some hard sums. What is 2 plus 2, can anyone tell me?

Child 1: Please, sir, I know. It's 4.

AS: You miserable backwardist MORON! [Child 1 bursts into tears.] Someone else?

[Cries of "3", "but it is 4", "5", "a million zillion squillion", "ask the Synod".]

AS: Clearly you are no good at hard sums. As budding Jesuits you should never give a clear answer, anyway. The answer is it MAY be 5. but it MAY not be. Got that?

[Class looks puzzled, and the teacher continues.]

AS: Let's try Physics. What is electric, and has fields of attraction and repulsion round it?

[Class: "a magnet", "a battery", "a wire", "a robot".]

AS: No, you're all wrong! You witless worms!

And now, the Janitor gives the correct answer!

AS: We'll do some spiritual exercises later, when Professor James Martin comes over in his rainbow leotard to teach you about Ignatian Yoga. Meanwhile, can anyone answer this one? Who is worshipped by the Catholic Church?

Child 2: Jesus, sir!

AS: Wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!! Jesus is indifferent to suffering, peevish and insensitive, unbreakably harsh, an unmerciful theologian, rigid, and confused. What's more, He is definitely an indietrist, refusing to adapt to modern society. Don't you realise that "Jesuit" is a short form of "Jesus Insult"? That should give you a clue what attitude to adopt.

[Child 2 runs out of the class. Other children makes guesses such as "Mary", "Peter", "Arthur Roche" and "Tucho Fernández".]

AS: I despair of you, children! The answer is Pope Francis! Francis the humble! Francis, the man with his own Magisterium. Francis the saintly! Francis the only pope who was ever infallible!

Well, that's enough Education. We'll discuss Culture another day.

[Head teacher runs screaming from the room.]

Jesuits ask us to drop the Bible

Following the enthusiastic reception of the Jesuits' latest idea - that we should stop reading St John's Gospel on Good Friday (apparently it causes outbreaks of antisemitism among the hard of thinking), they have decide to go the whole hog*.... oh...

*Sorry, not hog. Jews and Muslims don't eat them. Or vegetarians. Let's say "the whole cabbage".

... they have decided to go the whole cabbage and ban the Bible entirely.

Jesuits - the gift that keeps on giving.

There are many parts of the Bible that are offensive and lead to "phobias" of various kinds. The LGBTSJ community - including many Jesuits - is not too keen on the bits where homosexual acts are described as sinful, and transgenderism as impossible. There are also lots of racial and religious problems: many people after reading the Old Testament develop a dislike of Philistines, especially big ones called Goliath; also, the Baal-worshipping community is deeply offended by the story of Elijah. "Of course our God wasn't sleeping, he was having a day off."

More generally, the ten commandments have been condemned by the murdering community, the thieves' guild, most of the population of Hollywood (adultery), and the Lawyers' Society (false witness). It does seem that the authors of the Bible refused to show mercy, compassion, tolerance, blah blah blah.

And some very prominent Jesuits have been seen in situations of idolatory.

Or so I am told.

So you can see why the Jesuits are really not too keen on the embarrassing bits of the Bible. Let St John (if it is the same St John) have the last word in the Book of the Apocalypse (Revelation):

And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from these things that are written in this book.

Fr Thomas Reese SJ decides to forgive God

As "inspired" by this.

I forgive God. I hope others can too.

By Fr Thomas Reese LGBTSJ.

I see God as a holy but flawed individual who did the best He was capable of.

I first met God in 1994 when I had been a Jesuit priest for 20 years. We Jesuits are well-known for our many achievements in the realms of science, but it is only rarely that we turn our attention to religion. For example, there are the medieval scientists Jacobus Martinus, who was the first person to build a rainbow bridge; Jorgeus Bergoglius, the engineer who worked on rigidity; and Arturus Sosus, who invented the tape-recorder. So it was quite a surprise for me when I first learnt that it was possible to be a Jesuit and also to believe in God.

At the end of my first prayer, I asked for God's blessing — because I sensed I was in the presence of a divine being. But I also knew I was in the presence of a creator who, as Judge Eternal, had done irreparable harm to the church. There were scores of theologians, professors and priests who had been led to believe that they had sinned in some way, generally by disobeying Divine Commandments.

Controversial propaganda, used to attack my friends.

God's problem was that He treated theologians as if they were graduate students who needed correction and guidance. As a result, my last question to the Lord was, "Do you ever worry that you may be judging too much?"

He laughed and responded, "What a silly little man you are."

My own difficulties with God began shortly after I became editor of America Magazine, a journal of propaganda published by U.S. Jesuits. I wanted to make America a journal of criticism, explaining where God was wrong, and why the Bible should be rejected.

For years we had to contend with adverse reactions from God. Not just lightning strikes on the office of America, a voice thundering REPENT! down the chimney, plagues of boils and frogs, but even criticisms from self-styled authorities such as Pope Benedict.

The America offices.

I tried to make America the top journal of dissent, inviting moderate Catholics such as Cardinal Kasper to tell us where the Church had gone wrong, and even asking Cardinal Burke along so that other contributors could mock him point out where he was wrong.

However, it was clear that God was unhappy with the magazine, and it was time to go. Later, the election of that chap from the St Gallen Mafia lifted my spirits a little, as I realised that I was not God's only critic.

God has not asked for my forgiveness. He probably still believes that what He did to me and to numerous theologians was the right thing for the Church, but I still want to forgive Him.

In short, I see God as holy but flawed. He did the best He was capable of. For all of us, that is the best we can say. In the end, finally, only WE can judge.

Latindr App used to catch priests in compromising situations

As reported by journalists from the Bitter Pillar (formerly the Tablet), data from the popular social networking Latindr app, used by people of a certain inclination who want to get together for a bit of TLM (nudge, nudge), has been used to trap priests and bishops in compromising situations.

Not suitable for Catholics.

As many commentators have pointed out, Pope Francis's attempt to restrict the traditional Mass is not simply a change in forms of worship, but a piece of deep moral teaching, on a par with the edict that homosexual priests should keep their trousers on (except possibly if they are Jesuits). All right, it contradicts all the ideas of previous popes, but then so does practically everything that oozes from the papal pen.

So the big moral debate this week was: which is worse, using Latindr to get together with like-minded Catholics, or getting hold of such personal data and "outing" rogue clergy? Well, we on this blog are in no doubt. These nasty wicked people should be exposed for what they are, even if it involves tracking their movements.

GOTCHA!

The Latin Given By Tradition (LGBT) movement is very powerful these days, and even non-LGBT commentators were shocked to see Pope Francis's Romaphobic condemnation of the practice. But hacking into Latindr may be the best way to purify the Church.

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As a bonus, we have the results of this week's Eccles "horror art" competition. The theme was "families" and competitors were to imagine a dysfunctional family where the parents had three eyes between them, wicked Uncle Arthur was an alcoholic who liked to surround himself with Yorkshire puddings, and the ghosts of the dead grandparents looked on in dismay.

The winning entrant from Marko Ivan Rupnik (age 6).

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To read more of this post, please confirm that you are not a robot by solving the folloiwing Captcha.

The Wind in the Vatican

With apologies to Kenneth Grahame

"Do you know," said the Brand-Moler, blissfully drinking a huge tankard of German beer as he sat in the garden of the Pope Emeritus. "I've hardly ever been to these apartments before."

"Really?" said the Ratzinger solemnly. "To my mind there is nothing at all so worthwhile as messing about in the Vatican."

"What a day I'm having, Ratty," continued the Brand-Moler with a sigh of full contentment. What's in the picnic basket?"

"Following papal advice, there's Legumes," replied the Ratzinger briefly. "BroadBeansLentilsPeasPeanuts BakedBeansChickpeas MassimoFaggioli PulsesRunnerBeans..."

"Oh stop, stop!" cried the Brand-Moler in ecstasies. "This is too much! What a feast, Ratty!"

A feast.

Presently Cardinal Raymond Badger entered. He had been visiting an area full of mysterious warrens, from which strange little faces would peep out at intervals to say things like "Hail Pachamama!" "Let's build a bridge towards the weasel community" and "Won't anyone buy my new book Pope Francis on the Orient Express?"

"You know Toad's got a new Magisterium?" said the Ratzinger to the Badger once the Brand-Moler had been introduced. "A completely new one. He crashed the one his ancestors handed down to him."

"I know," said the Badger gloomily. "One of these days he'll get locked up, for sure. I've heard that the Jesuweasels are just waiting to over-run the Vatican as soon as his back's turned. Then they'll bring in rainbow flags and Ignatian yoga."

Three cardinals in conclave.

"Why don't you stop him?" asked the Brand-Moler.

"You don't understand," explained the Ratzinger. "Nobody stops Toad. It always has to be something new. One day it's a change to the Gloria, the next it's a new version of the Lord's prayer."

From somewhere close by came a distant whirring sound, which gradually rose to a crescendo. Then there was a mighty crash, and the Toad came flying head-first over the hedge, to land in a nearby ditch. As the animals hurried over looking very concerned, the Toad extracted his head from the mud: lying in the ditch with a contented smile on his face, he sighed and muttered to himself: "O bliss! Oh my! ... Amoris Laetitia ... Laudato Si' ... Fratelli Tutti ... Pope-pope! >>> CRASH!!! <<<"

Getting an answer to the Dubia.

How to scandalize the Catholic Church

Yes, it's another in our long-running series on "How to be a good pope," designed for those lucky readers who may one day have to decide whether to trade as Pius XIII, Benedict XVII, Francis II, or George-Ringo I.

Well, I say lucky. Some people are naturally suited to the position of pope, being holy, meek, pure in spirit, merciful, and an expert at dealing with cardinals who are dodgy financiers or drug-takers. Others, like yourself, got into the job by accident, when your flustered careers adviser ticked the box marked "PAPA" by mistake for "PORTERO" on the sheet of recommended jobs for you. You could have had a great life as a caretaker/janitor, sitting in the entrance to an office-block, smoking, reading the paper, and slapping intruders, but it was not to be. You ended up as Pope, and you only rarely get the chance to slap anyone.

"I love you very much." Well, everyone except Burke, Schneider, Sarah, Viganò... and Donald Trump.

Anyway, you're stuck with the job, and you have certain beliefs that can't really be described as "Catholic": Marxism is great, give communion to anyone who wants it, being divorced and remarried is just fine, abortion is nothing to be bothered about, everyone will go to Heaven (or more likely nobody will as you don't believe in it), this Pachamama cult sounds like fun, ...

So what do you do? You speak out. Not ex cathedra, since if you tried that be sure that your throne would act as a divine ejector-seat and you would disappear, never to be seen again. No, you can give interviews to 108-year-old journalists known for making things up from memory, you can fraternize with Marxists and abortionists - after all Jesus also met sinners, and perhaps He too used to slap them on the back and say "You're doing a grand job, carry on!" You can write encyclicals and apostolic exhortations, and people will just nod wisely and say "It's OK, it's just the Pope's personal opinion" and tap their heads significantly. It's rather disappointing really, you were hoping to hit the headlines worldwide.

But one day you get to release a video on which you're talking about homosexual relationships and all Hell breaks loose (if you'll pardon the expression).

At last! The publicity you've always wanted!

What's the problem with civil unions for homosexual couples, you wonder. One of your favourite Catholics, Joe Biden (who, like you, doesn't believe much of that Christianity stuff) actually "married" two men at his home in Delaware. Joe is a Good Catholic, but for you his main attraction is that he hates Donald Trump nearly as much as you do.

I forgot to mention that en route to becoming Pope you became a Jesuit: so you know the funny handshakes, and you were trained in the ancient Jesuit art of Mumbo Jumbo - saying things that can be intepreted in more than one way. Your friend and mentor Fr James Martin LGBTSJ gave you the Martin translation of the Bible. In it you found the following text, where all was made clear:

1. So Lot said, "O Lord, what can I do to stop you destroying the Cities of the Plain?"

2. And the Lord God answered, "Tell them to introduce a programme of civil partnerships in order to regularize their relationships."

3. And it was so.

The text goes on to say how Sodom and Gomorrah became known worldwide as a centre where gay couples could meet and practise Ignatian yoga.

Modelled on one of the gay bath-houses in the Cities of the Plain.

How did you get into this situation? Well, curiously, it was all Parolin's fault. He came to you, saying, "You know that dodgy deal we've got with China, where they are allowed to appoint their own bishops and torture all the Catholics? Well, we're about to renew it. How can we bury the news?"

"Hold my Boese Lager, Pietro, I think I know how to grab a few headlines..."

The rest is history. The Pope changes Catholic teaching. Jesus, the apostles, doctors of the Church, and 265 previous popes got it all wrong. "Can priests get into civil unions now? Asking for a friend, you understand," says Fr Jim.

Oh dear, don't you wish you were a simple janitor?

And now Alexander Tschugguel demands clarity - the one thing you must never ask of a Jesuit!

The ancient art of Papa-Slappa

As a public service to our readers, we shall explain the art of Papa-Slappa. This is the traditional Catholic form of self-defence, analogous to the Buddhists' Shaolin Kung-Fu, the Muslims' Allahu-Akbar, and the Anglicans' Wishee-Washee.

A Papa-Slappa white-belt master prepares to strike.

In the modern Catholic Church, all weapons are condemned, and so Jesu-i masters have developed techniques of self-defence known only to those Jesu-i knights who have reached the highest level. Rather than hitting each other with light sabers, the Jesu-is use Papa-Slappa to subdue their adversaries.

The basic technique is to lure the victim into a false sense of security, so that they believe they will receive a blessing, or at least that their petitions will be heard. Then WHOP! and they are left reeling.

A scene from Return of the Jesu-i featuring the robot MA55-1MO.

Traditionally the Swiss Guard have been armed with light sabers and other offensive weapons, but under the guidance of Jesu-i master O-be-goglio they have been asked to abandon these arms and train in the skills of Papa-Slappa instead. As we said at the Amazon synod, when worshipping wooden statues, "May the farce be with you!"

Another demonstration of Papa-Slappa is about to take place.

WARNING: Papa-Slappa is NOT a game. It is a martial art that requires years of practice and can cause serious injury (the Chinese lady in our first picture is currently convalescing in the St Nicholas home for wounded Catholics). Initiates should begin by practising with less aggressive martial arts, such as the Kissa-Peace, before attempting Papa-Slappa.

Satan complains, "I really exist."

The Father of Lies - no, I don't mean a certain New York Jesuit - is an avid reader of this blog (it is part of the eternal torment to which he is condemned); now we are privileged to be the first to publish a statement from him, furiously denying the claims of Fr Arturo Sosa SJ, the Big Cheese of the Jesuits, that he is merely a "symbolic reality".

"After all I've done for mankind, and this includes the Jesuits, in leading them into eternal damnation, it is a great insult to be labelled a mere 'personification of evil'. Think of all I've achieved in the past - tempting Adam and Eve, prowling around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour, making Job's life a misery, the Temptations in the Wilderness, perverting Judas Iscariot (a nice innocent lad until he met me)... Then there's all the influence I've had since then, most recently on my good friends Hitler, Stalin and Mao. Oh and Tony Blair. You'd expect some sort of gratitude, but No! I am reduced to a mere abstraction!"

"Here's me, smiting Job with boils."

As usual, Mr Satan is not telling the whole story. It is part of the job description of Top Jesuit that you should issue heresy on a regular basis: in Sosa's case, he started well by saying that we could not trust Jesus's words because they weren't spoken into a tape-recorder, and besides, all contemporary videos were made using Betamax not VHS, so are now impossible to watch. Following this up with a denial of the reality of Satan has won Sosa praise from Jesuits worldwide, and guarantees him a second term as president of the Jesuits when the elections come.

A Venezuelan football player (with tape-recorder) gives a Sosa impersonation.

Mr Satan has promised to put Sosa straight on his misconceptions: "I'm expecting to see him soon - we have plenty of Jesuits down here, so he won't feel out of place - and then I can show him which of us is a symbolic reality!"

Celebrate Lent the Jesuit way!

As compiled by some of our favourite Jesuits, including Superior General Arturo Sosa, Fr James Martin, and of course Pope Francis.

Soon to be plagiarised as "Celebrate Lent the Basilian way" by Fr Thomas Rosica.

1. Give up sin.

This novel idea seems to originate from the Canadian bishops.

Giving up sin is probably not something that occurred to you before, but it's very easy: most things that we used to think of as "sin" turn out to be simply "alternative lifestyles". Still, there may be some bad habits that you really ought to drop, at least for the 40 days of Lent - speaking Latin, pushing old ladies under buses, hard drugs such as coccopalmerio, etc.

Every time you are tempted to sin, write the sin down on a piece of paper, and save it for later. That way you can have a really Happy Easter when you let it all go!

2. Build bridges.

Are you doing enough for the LGBTQSJ community in Lent? It is not necessary for you to "come out" in Lent, and certainly God is not (yet) asking you to "change gender", but you should certainly try and build bridges with your LGBTQSJ neighbours. Why not ask your parish priest if he is thinking of changing sex? This is guaranteed to put you in a good light, as a loving caring person. Tell him that whatever lifestyle he chooses to adopt, you are not going to judge him, and you think he is doing a fine job.

3. Take up Ignatian Yoga.

Fr Martin's classes start soon. Bring your rainbow leotard!

This discipline is good for your bodily health, as well as your spiritual development. Originating with the Buddhists, Hindus, and Jains, it has not been seen as a part of Catholic teaching until now. However, it is now generally recognised that sitting around cross-legged and intoning the sacred words So Sa, Mah Teen, Reese, Bah Go Lee Oh and "letting it all hang out" is the best way to get on the path of enlightenment.

There will soon be a new book out, "How to twist things," in which Fr Martin will explain how a flexible approach is always the best.

4. Spiritual reading.

Lent is a good time for avoiding the Bible, because, as General Sosa says, "It ain't necessarily so," since there were no tape-recorders available when it was written. Instead, go for the works of deep thinkers such as Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, etc., or sit on a bus reading out passages from the the Tablet to your ecstatic neighbours.

As recommended by Pope Francis. Try screaming on the bus to show your support!

5. Respect the environment.

This really follows from (4), as your spiritual reading should include Laudato Si'. Think of new ways of saving the planet! Old polythene bags can be sewn together to make wonderful vestments for your priest - don't worry if his chasuble bears the mysterious word "Tesco", for it is all part of celebrating God's creation. Plastic straws can be stuck in your hair, and these will add a little colour to your liturgical dancing.

6. Stop gossiping.

Pope Francis SJ has asked us to include this discipline in our list. Gossiping includes trying to find out what is going on in the Vatican, asking Dubia of the Pope, issuing filial corrections, and indeed any embarrassing Church news. In the words of Jesus, when He went into the wilderness: "Give us a break, guys!"

Remember that the Vatican is getting tough on abuse these days. We had a wonderful summit on the subject, in which we agreed that everything is more-or-less fine really, and we can't see what all the fuss is about. So woe on ye if ye say otherwise!

Have a fun Lent!

A retirement plan for the Pope

Vatican memorandum - confidential.

In view of the Pope's increasingly bizarre behaviour - for many people the award of the title of Commander in the Pontifical Equestrian Order of St Gregory the Great to the blood-drenched abortion-campaigner Lilianne Ploumen was a final sign that he had flipped his lid - we are putting together an attractive retirement package for the Holy Father.

"Just the Ploumen's lunch for me, please."

Whereas Pope Benedict XVI has used his retirement to concentrate on praying, studying, and beer-drinking, these activities do not appeal to his successor, and we have had to find other ways of keeping him occupied.

One apartment in Francis's retirement home has been furnished as an aeroplane cabin, and - since he is not significantly more modest than Donald Trump - we have branded it as Air Francis. It is expected that the ex-Holy Father, or do we mean Holy ex-Father, will spend hours wandering round this, inventing new Catholic doctrine. Some actors will be hired to sit around all day listening to him, and they are encouraged to clap whenever another piece of the New Testament goes into the dustbin.

"The situation's serious. Pope Francis has woken up."

Apart fom this, we are a little short of ideas. What exactly does the Pope do when he's not talking? We could arrange some video games for him, I suppose; Vatican chain-saw massacre, is a good one, in which you have to dismember as many cardinals as possible. Extra points if they are wearing a cappa magna or saying Mass in Latin. We think this game should keep our client amused for hours.

We have arranged for another room, labelled simply Jesuit meeting room, where Francis can have parties with Spadaro, Martin, Sosa, and the rest of the gang. The Freemasons are kindly helping us with the decor.

"Now you're no longer Pope we can paint the Vatican red!"

We should perhaps provide the retired pope with a small study and a laptop with which he can write his final messages to mankind. Admittedly Francis's publication list so far is a little variable in quality: from his time as a research chemist we have his thesis Why cyanide is perfectly safe, and from his time as a bishop in Argentina a small biography Austen Ivereigh - the Great Performer; also, more recently, the work we're not allowed to mention, although its initials are AL.

Francis is already preparing his magnum opus Why I was right and all previous popes were wrong, although we understand that he currently has writer's block, and hasn't got much beyond "BECAUSE I SAY SO"; still, he'll probably be with us for another 20 years or so, and we think he may be able to expand on this a little.

Finally, if anyone has any further ideas for keeping Francis occupied, then the new pope, Cardinal Blase Cupich, Pope Francis II, will be glad to hear them!

Jesuits say the funniest things

Don't you love Jesuits? They can be really cute in the way that grown-ups simply aren't. Listening to them talking, trying to make sense of the adult world, is a pleasure and a delight.

I visited a Jesuit playground and met two of the little darlings having fun together; one was called Jim ("I'm Jezzie James") and the other Tony ("Spideroman").

Tony playing with his friends Big Frank and Arthur (the gang leaders).

Me: Hello, Jesuits, are you having fun?

Jim: I'm building a bridge. Poo, it's fallen down again!

Tony: I'm doing sums. 1 and 1 is 3. 2 and 2 is 5. Tee hee hee!

Me: Oh, right. Did you go to Church today, Jesuits?

Possibly the stupidest thing ever said by a Jesuit.

Jim: Yes, it was all about a wedding. Jesus wasn't allowed to go to it.

Tony: Naughty Jesus was a biggot! Won't go to Heaven!

Jim: He should have listened to the Canny... Cannonite woman!

Tony: I gotta new Bible.

Jim: He's gotta new Bible. It's the Messy Bible.

Tony: Message Bible. A special one for Jesuits.

A special Jesuit Bible with all the sense removed.

Jim: What does the angel say when he sees Mary?

Tony: Nice to see you, to see you nice! Tee hee hee!

Jim: And Jesus talks to Mary Magdulum. Says "Hello, Mary, how would you like to be the Pope?"

"Unlike Jesus, I'm properly dressed for a wedding!"

Tony: Hey, here comes Arthur. He's the leader of our gang.

Arthur: Hello, Jim, hello, Tony. Who's this?

Tony: It's Mr Eccles. He's a witless worm. Tee hee hee.

Arthur: He's got a tape recorder.

Jim: Jesus had a tape recorder.

Arthur: No he didn't!

Jim: He did, he did, he did!

Arthur: No, he didn't. That's why we don't know what he said.

Jim: We can make it up, can't we?

"Today I'm launching a Crusade against armchair Catholics!"

Tony: Shut up you lot. Here comes Big Frank. He's got a Magic Sterium.

Jim: What's a Magic Sterium?

Tony: It's for making up Cathlic teaching. It has a pair of scissors for cutting up old teaching, and a nice pen for writing new doctrine.

Frank: All right, you lot. Today we're going to break some armchairs. I don't like armchair Catholics!

Omnes: Ooh, what fun!

"Now I say SHAZAM and the Pope disappears!"

With thanks to @topcatholic and @thecorrectpope for locating some material.