This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 29 March 2018

The crimes of Cardinal Pell

A transcript of a confidential telephone conversation between Mgr Embezzla of the Vatican Bank and Superintendent Didgeridoo of the Australian Police.

E: Well that didn't go to well, did it? We asked you to frame Cardinal Pell for child abuse, so that he would stop his investigation into our financial - ahem - irregularities, and you've been found out!

D: We did our best, cobber. We wanted to nail him too, you know, for his opposition to same-sex marriage, and to the other plans we've got. We've had a crack team working on the case.

Pell and police

"We heard he possessed a beretta, so we sent 10 officers to arrest him."

E: Yes, and it turns out that all the dates and times are wrong. Even Pope Francis can give him an alibi.

D: Don't worry about him. He won't give a definite answer to any questions that Pell's counsel puts to him. Even cardinals can't get a straight answer from the Pope.

E: Yes, but the 200 witnesses who were present when he offered Mass?

D: We think he bribed them all with promises of eternal life.

E: Well, never mind that. Can you trump up any other charges?

D: Yes, we think he may be the infamous swagman who was part of the Waltzing Matilda gang.

Waltzing Matlida

Could this be Cardinal Pell?

E: Sounds good. Get him for jumbuck-rustling! Will Matilda give evidence?

D: No, she died about 100 years ago. Although we might try forging some emails from Banjo Paterson. Or his descendant, the liberal Catholic, Guitar Paterson.

E: It all sounds a bit flimsy to me.

D: All right, one final idea. He's fond of cricket, isn't he?

E: Yes...

Pell, Pope, cricket bat

Cardinal Pell explains how he helped Australia win the Ashes.

D: Then he's obviously the mastermind behind the new Aussie ball-tampering scandal. He brings shame on an entire nation. If that doesn't put him behind bars, nothing will.

E: Look for traces of incense on the cricket ball. If you can't find any, we can supply some.

D: It's great to work with you.


  1. There is no doubt, no doubt at all that this whole affair is one grand stitch up to frame Cardinal Pell. I am betting that the verdict of this inquiry into whether he has a case to answer will be that he has even though it has been shown already that the police went around for a whole year trying to find anyone who would lodge a complaint against him and then they issued charges against him after they had drummed up a few bitter people who would say anything after being persuaded by the cops..

  2. p.s. I'm glad that you have brought up the ball tampering scandal. Such is the "culture" here that they will do anything to win since the whole object is to win at any price. But they broke the eleventh commandment i.e. Thou shalt not be found out!

  3. Shurely NOT the Aussie police! As Sid the Sydney cab-driver put it, "Best money can buy - Mate!"

  4. Once his name is fully cleared, which now seems to be the probable outcome, the next question is: Will he go into the next conclave as a papabile?
    It’s about time we had an Aussie pope.

  5. NOTE that 'they' have succeeded in the main point, which was to get him out of Rome. And he will not be let back again - or not unless a TREMENDOUS fuss is made.

    1. It would be great if we could get Dope Francis out of Rome.

    2. As far as I know, Cardinal Pell has not been replaced as the prefect of the Secretariat for the Economy. According to the Australian media, it will probably be quite some time before we know the outcome of the recently concluded legal proceedings. If the decision is that he must stand trial, then I suppose he will tender his resignation immediately. But if Magistrate Belinda Wallington rules in his favour, then I would expect him to catch the first flight to Rome to carry on where he left off. Is that an unreasonable expectation?

  6. What I want to know is where Sir Les Paterson has been in all this....