Design your own God!

As a service to my friend "Archbishop" Justin Welby (He/Him on the one hand, She/Her on the other hand, and also Bleep/Bloop in a very real sense) we are providing some useful advice to the Church of England as it decides to reject Christianity and go its own way (no longer following the 1st Century Heiliger Geist but the 21st century Zeitgeist).

The statue of Christ the King is attacked by a Welby-Cottrell^TM Death Ray.

From now on all religious documents, Bibles, hymn books, prayer books, etc. will need to be pulped and replaced by new "Woke" editions. OUT GO God the Father, Our Father who art in Heaven, Lord Jesus Christ, etc. and IN COME God the parent, Our parent who art - somewhere or other, but it may be downstairs rather than upstairs - and Christ the Aristocrat.

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ (slightly Catholic) has already decreed that the Holy Spirit is feminine.

"Isn't this going to cost a lot of money?" you may be asking. Well, it should be possible to divert all that cash we're giving to earthquake victims in Turkey and Syria into more worthy causes, such as making sure that nobody is upset by God's choosing a gender that they find offensive (this is far worse than being trapped under a collapsed building!) In Phase 2 we'll be sending the Muslim world new non-binary Korans, anyway.

Still, while we're updating all the Church of England books, please note that we have been asked by our Supreme Governor, King Charles III, or at least by some of his menials (M.P.s) to allow blessings of sin.

We're starting slowly with same-sex relationships (or "marriages" as they are laughingly called). A suitable liturgy is being drafted, but since this is the C of E you are of course allowed to make up your own words and nobody will complain.

Next month we shall be dismantling the ten commandments: adulterers, thieves and murderers are already queuing up for blessings.

"O God (He/She/They), who gave us Henry VIII (He/Him) as a model for our church, and thus inspired us to follow his path of adultery, theft and murder, we ask you now to bless "Casanova" John, "Fingers" Irene, and "Slasher" Maurice as they pursue their spiritual paths of lechery, shoplifting and throat-cutting."

LATE NEWS: God is apparently not amused by the Church of England's activities, and the end of the world has accordingly been advanced. Well, you can't say that we didn't all deserve a bit of smiting...

God decides to fix climate change.

The Roman Church breaks away

A guest post from the German bishops, with additional material from Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, Cardinal Cupich, etc.

We are deeply sorry that a small Roman sect has decided to split off from the universal German Catholic Church by refusing to bless same-sex relationships, to ordain women, or to support abortion. From now on we can only regard Pope Francis, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and those backing them as schismatics, Protestants, and general Schweinehunden. In the words of St John of Lennon's Hymn "Imagine", which we sang when we blessed some happy couples this week:

Imagine there's no Heaven:
It's easy if you try.
Hell sounds much nicer:
We're off there when we die.

Fr Joe of the German Catholic Church says "I now pronounce you Thing and Thing."

In the middle ages, the Spanish Inquisition was a byword for brutality, but you ain't seen nothing yet, Francis! The German Inquisition will be much more savage. Already our top agent, Cardinal Kasper, is in Rome and preparing to act. Admittedly he is 96 and talks to trees, but that doesn't stop him striking terror into the hearts of Roman schismatics!

Time for some more "Imagine":

Imagine sin's abolished,
It isn't hard to do:
Nothing to repent of
And no redemption too.

You Roman Catholics may be proud of your Marty Haugens, Dan Schuttes, and Graham Kendricks, but we have John Lennon on our side, so be very afraid!

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can.
Of course we need our Church Tax
So keep on paying, man!

A worried Pope Francis gets advice on Peronist dictatorship from the President of Argentina (or vice versa).

Pope Francis changes his medication

After several years of dosing himself on CUPICHON, MARTINEX, SPADARINE, COCA-PALMERIOL, and similar poisons, which have led the Holy Father to express some distinctly dubious views on pro-life issues, homosexuality, and the like, Pope Francis has received a new prescription from his doctor, including wonder drugs such as BURKEMIN, SARAHOL, and SCHNEIDERONE.

"I feel like a new man!" says Francis.

The results have been startling. Pope Francis has spoken out against "gay" parenting ("ungodly") and abortion ("like Nazi eugenics"). Only a few weeks too late to save Ireland and Argentina, but credit where it's due.

This could be a turning point for the Catholic Church. Will Emma Bonino be crossed off Francis's Christmas card list? Will Fr James Martin SJ be summoned to Rome for a good thrashing (no, he'd probably enjoy it)? Will Scalfari be given the boot? Will the Dubia finally be answered? Could climate change, liberation theology, and similar issues be replaced by a new emphasis on Catholic teaching?

"We think it was the SPADARINE that made him shout at everybody."

Of course there are other wonder drugs on the market that Pope Francis may wish to try. He should avoid DOLANINE, which makes the patient spend all his time laughing crazily; also, TOBINOL comes in two varieties, one of which is beneficial, while the other leads to strange behaviour late at night; then, tincture of ROSICA leads to aggression and paranoia; finally, swallowing ZUHLSDORFIA leads to distinctly eccentric behaviour, but is basically sound...

The dreadful affects of DOLANINE. (H/T someone, not sure who.)

Good luck, Holy Father!

St Theresa of Downing Street

Catholic priests are not normally allowed to marry (and this includes Bishop Toribio Ticona, whom Pope Francis has just put on his "Raise this guy to the cardinalate" list, in error for his "Throw this guy to the dogs" list).

Thus there are very few of the rare breed known as "clergymen's daughters" in the Catholic Church; of course the Anglicans have plenty, and even some rare fish known as "clergywomen's daughters", who call their mother "father".

St Theresa (alias V. Nichols) shares a bottle of ketchup with a cleric (J. Etchingham).

Clergymen's daughters are often saintly creatures, and today we pay tribute to St Theresa of Downing Street. Her father would have been so proud of her, when she showed her support for same-sex "marriage". Those embarrassing bits in the Bible about homosexual acts being sinful, and marriage being an institution for a man and a woman, were long since discarded by the Church of England, which strives always to keep up with the latest fashions in morality. But there was more...

St Theresa expresses her support for King Herod.

As a clergyman's daughter, St Theresa is familiar with many Biblical characters, and she has always had a weakness for King Herod. "A real man," she drools, "who knew how to deal with children!" Thus she was delighted when Ireland decided to vote for mass infanticide, and she felt obliged to send her support. Good luck with explaining that to the DUP, her partners in government.

Of course, St Theresa is not the only party leader with this point of view. St Jeremy of Corbyn and St Vince of Cable would doubtless agree with her, if anyone cared for five minutes what they thought on any issue. How wonderful to see a Government of National Unity!

Let's finish with a happy picture of the Mays leaving a church.

An everyday Anglican scene: that awkward moment when nobody else turned up.

The crimes of Cardinal Pell

A transcript of a confidential telephone conversation between Mgr Embezzla of the Vatican Bank and Superintendent Didgeridoo of the Australian Police.

E: Well that didn't go to well, did it? We asked you to frame Cardinal Pell for child abuse, so that he would stop his investigation into our financial - ahem - irregularities, and you've been found out!

D: We did our best, cobber. We wanted to nail him too, you know, for his opposition to same-sex marriage, and to the other plans we've got. We've had a crack team working on the case.

"We heard he possessed a beretta, so we sent 10 officers to arrest him."

E: Yes, and it turns out that all the dates and times are wrong. Even Pope Francis can give him an alibi.

D: Don't worry about him. He won't give a definite answer to any questions that Pell's counsel puts to him. Even cardinals can't get a straight answer from the Pope.

E: Yes, but the 200 witnesses who were present when he offered Mass?

D: We think he bribed them all with promises of eternal life.

E: Well, never mind that. Can you trump up any other charges?

D: Yes, we think he may be the infamous swagman who was part of the Waltzing Matilda gang.

Could this be Cardinal Pell?

E: Sounds good. Get him for jumbuck-rustling! Will Matilda give evidence?

D: No, she died about 100 years ago. Although we might try forging some emails from Banjo Paterson. Or his descendant, the liberal Catholic, Guitar Paterson.

E: It all sounds a bit flimsy to me.

D: All right, one final idea. He's fond of cricket, isn't he?

E: Yes...

Cardinal Pell explains how he helped Australia win the Ashes.

D: Then he's obviously the mastermind behind the new Aussie ball-tampering scandal. He brings shame on an entire nation. If that doesn't put him behind bars, nothing will.

E: Look for traces of incense on the cricket ball. If you can't find any, we can supply some.

D: It's great to work with you.

British values versus Christian values

Apparently School inspectors want new powers to tackle faith schools that 'clash with British values'. Let us take an in-depth look at what is meant by British values.

Britannia (or Britannius?) Keen on diversity, same-sex marriage, and transgenderism.

British values were first developed in the age of Prehistoric Britain, which is supposed to have started in about 500,000 B.C. (give or take a few months). In those days schoolchildren were taught to paint themselves with woad - blue for boys, pink for girls - and any kid who wore the wrong colour woad was told to stop being silly.

Diversity was not really popular in those days. The ancient British were very worried about invasions of ancient Franks and Germans - which is why they dug the English Channel - but probably more worried about woolly mammoths.

MAMMOTHS KEEP OUT. Coming over here, eating our cabbages, ...

Presumably the exploits of Adam and Eve were known about, but Christian values were at a rather primitive state.

So let us go forward to 1707, when Britain arose from out the azure main (as the song has it), and became a kingdom including England, Wales and Scotland. What were British values then?

Well, same-sex marriage still wasn't very popular (it basically went out of fashion around the time of Nero, with occasional unsuccessful revivals, as in the time of Edward II), and transgenderism was limited to hairy Scotsmen wearing kilts. Equality and diversity were definitely continental notions (especially after 1789), and shunned by all decent people.

A despised member of society, but only because of the bagpipes.

Christianity was mainly of the Protestant variety, although not a lot like the modern Church of England. People got their ideas mostly from the New Testament, rather than "Thought for the Day". Tolerance and respect for idiots, not being a Christian virtue, was virtually unknown.

So far so good, British values were not all that far from Christian values. Possibly empire-building, fighting the French, and so on, were not entirely in accordance with God's plans, but they were more-or-less OK.

So what is the problem in religious schools these days? Well, at St Custard's we have this:

"Please sir, I want to be a girl." Six of the best for you, Molesworth, sa Headmaster GRIMES chiz chiz chiz

And at St Trinians Catholic School they found this practical way of dealing with an Anglican who enrolled by mistake:

I won't describe the scenes of carnage that followed when St Trinians played hockey against St Aisha's School for the Daughters of Muslim Gentlefolk. 11-0, with 8 Aishains retired hurt. Still, St Trinians girls met their match when the boys girls of St Bruce's Caitlin's Transgender Academy challenged them. It was not a pretty sight.

Anyway, given a choice between Christian values and modern "British values", I think it's time to change my name to Eccleczyk, and declare myself to be Polish.

Mogg "the wrong type of Catholic"

Criticism of Jacob Rees-Mogg continued to flood in today, after it suddenly became clear - to people who must have spent the last few years in the Burmese jungle or somewhere - that he was the wrong type of Catholic.

"Sorry, leaving dismembered mice on the floor is against my religion."

Said one commentator, Suzanne Moron of the Guardian: "Of course to us modern liberals, the word Catholic is synonymous with bigot, but we might be prepared to tolerate him in public life - say, as a cleaner at the House of Commons - if he would only repudiate his views on marriage and abortion. It's six times now that his wife has failed to do her civic duty and have a termination."

A distant relative, Sadiq Rees-Mohammed, M.P. for New Damascus (formerly the London Borough of Hackington), joined in the criticism. "When I went on the Piers Morgan show and was asked whether I supported the decapitation of infidels and the chucking of gays off the roofs of buildings, I explained that my religious views were a personal matter, and that put an end to the discussion! It would have been an Islamophobic hate crime to press me further!"

Sadiq Rees-Mohammed.

Peter Sutcliffe of the British Serial Killers Advisory Service agreed. "This 'pro-life' attitude of Mogg's is frankly, disgusting. When I was active in public life as the Yorkshire Ripper, I never felt that human life was valuable, so why should he? What a bigot!"

Rees-Mogg was defiant today. "Frankly, I'm not keen on stealing, false witness, and adultery, either," he confessed. "This does make me exceptional among MPs, where expenses-fiddling, lying, and extra-marital affairs are rather expected. The Whips keep asking me if I am feeling all right."

The traditional way of dealing with religious bigots like Rees-Mogg.

Pope Francis was unavailable for comment, but one of his key advisers, Cardinal Cupich, commented: "The last thing the Church needs at this time is Catholics who actually believe in something. I myself have never fallen into that trap! No, give me an atheist, or a Catholic like Piers Morgan, every time!"

Anti-religious extremism among tsars

The government has announced an enquiry into anti-religious extremism among tsars (or should that be "czars"?) These are people with no particular qualities - although often they seem to have had peerages thrown at them - appointed to look into matters of concern to the prime minister and her (or his) cronies.

A traditional tsar - not radicalised.

Thus we had Alan Sugar (for American readers, think of Donald Trump, only without the charm and diplomatic skills) as Enterprise Tsar, Mary Portas (the "queen of shops") as High-street Tsar, and so on. However, many people are worried about the radicalisation and anti-religious extremism shown by Louise Casey, the Integration Tsar.

A modern tsar - is the chamber-pot on her head a symbol of radicalism?

Thus the government is expected to appoint a new Integration Tsar, whose job it will be to help the old one adapt to life in modern Britain, where a significant number of people are religious and do not want bossy time-servers telling them what they are allowed to believe.

For example, Tsarina Casey decided that (in her opinion) Catholic schools should not be allowed to teach that same-sex marriage is wrong - well, the party line is that it is not so much wrong, as impossible. Try telling Churchill, Thatcher or even Theresa May (a few years ago) that a man wanted to "marry" another man, and the jaw would drop, a "you're joking" would form on the lips, and - in the case of the first two - a strict memo would be issued asking that all nutters be henceforth sent packing by the doorman.

We don't have a lot of time for Mr Mohammed on this blog, but we understand that his views on same-sex "marriage" were similar to those of Christ's - only with added torture and mutilation. Well, we have to accept these different nuances in the interests of equality and diversity.

An all-purpose attempt to find common ground between religions.

The new Integration Tsarina will not be expected to wear a chamber-pot on her head, but she will be charged with investigating organizations that have a problem accepting Christian teaching. These may include the National Secular Society (approx. 5 members), the British Humanist Association (3 members, or 4 if you count the hamster), the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Ranting and Screaming (oh, at least 2), the Tony Flannery Support Group (1 member), the Friends of Tina Beattie (500 online members, of which 495 are traddy sockpuppets) and the Jesuits (far too many). We wish the new tsarina well.

The new Integration Tsarina.

Everyone who disagrees with me is Satan

When you're debating religious or political issues, I find that insulting your opponent is the best way to win the argument. For example, the people who imposed same-sex "marriage" on us - something that ten years earlier everyone had recognised as absurd - managed to get their way by means of the powerful slogan "Bigot! Bigot! Bigot!"

A happy couple (now long-since forgotten).

On Twitter it is well-known that everyone you disagree with is literally Hitler. There are lots of 127-year-old Germans with silly moustaches sitting around in sheds, shouting hateful Nazi slogans such as "We don't think much of the EU" and "Er, perhaps Donald Trump is a better bet than Hillary Clinton."

Is this literally YOU?

Curiously, this is mainly a left-wing thing, and you don't see conservatives labelling people as Stalin or Mao - probably because for so many lefties, these mass-murderers are still regarded as heroes. So the insult becomes a compliment.

"And this attachment is for hitting cardinals with."

So we come to Satan, himself. I must plead guilty on this score, since I have long referred to Mrs Clinton as Hell Cat, and regarded her as a tool of the Devil. This is mainly because I don't share her enthusiasm for dismembering live babies and selling the remains off commercially (this is what is technically known as "planned parenthood").

Still, there are apparently worse things that one can do. Pope Francis himself picked out what he considered one of the great evils of the world when he described parish secretaries as like "disciples of Satan" - we never got to the bottom of this little rant, but one theory is that he had decided to make one of his spontaneous 3 a.m. phone calls to a random victim, but had been told to get off the line, have a cup of cocoa, and go to sleep. EXACTLY what Satan would say.

"Oh Lord, I hope that's not the pope again.

And now he's at it again. Pope Francis told the Curia that resistance to reforms is inspired by the Devil. Since these reforms apparently include modernisation and gradualism (discernment), we have a problem here, as these are the sort of thing that previous popes were very much against. Odd, that.

Unfortunately, the Holy Father has now run out of superlatives. All I know is, I'm glad I don't work for the Roman Curia. Two years ago it was a listing of their "spiritual diseases" and now they're being told that they're ALL LITERALLY SATAN. Call this job satisfaction?

Michael Coren writes another book

The great Michael Coren has written the publishing sensation of 2016, and it will certainly put into the shade other best-sellers such as Pope Francis's Amoris Laetitia and Gianfranco Ravasi's So farewell then, David Bowie, Prince, and Choppers the Chimp.

Yes, the much-loved author of Why Catholics are Right, its sequel, Why Catholics are Wrong, and a further sequel, Why Catholics are Right after all, has dashed off a new book that will be published this month.

Why Christ was wrong and I am right.

At first, I thought that Epiphany was a new take on the Bible story. Three wise men from the East, Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, make a journey to the humble stable in Essex in which the infant Coren is lying, and bring him gifts of cash, deodorant, and baby-powder.

If that is the case, we should look forward to Coren's Good Friday, where he suffers in agony - his evening talk show The Arena with Michael Coren being cancelled - and of course the impressive autobiography Easter, where Coren rises again (and probably becomes a Catholic once more). However, I may have got the wrong end of the stick here.

The three wise men on the A12, seeking the birthplace of Michael Coren.

Coren's had a good week. When Michael Voris humbled himself, and gave an account of how God had helped him to "go straight", he was instinctively showered with good wishes by orthodox Catholics (apparently Mercy is well-regarded these days). Meanwhile, the other Michael was clearly revelling in his discomfort. No doubt Christ would have said the same "You've repented of your sins, have you? You cheeky fellow!"

Well I haven't read Epiphany yet, nor do I expect to, but it's interesting to see that the most-hyped praise that it has received comes from Stephen Fry, that well-known sympathiser with Christian teaching.

Looking ahead...

The scene at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter: Ah, Mike. I see that in your lifetime you joined the Catholic Church six times and left it six times, you wrote 50 books, and you received the last rites from the Seventh-day Jehovah's tree-worshippers. It's not really enough to let you in, I'm afraid.

Coren: But Stephen Fry says I am saved!

St Peter: Who???

God apologises for causing hurt and pain to the LBGT community

Following endless protests, the Lord God Almighty has apologised to the LBGT community for His "insensitive" behaviour to them over the years.

An insensitive act of destruction.

Facing protestors, He explained, "With hindsight, some people may think that raining down fire from Heaven on Sodom and Gomorrah was a somewhat tactless way of treating the LBGT community. I particularly wish to apologise to Mr Lot for turning his wife into a pillar of salt, when all she was doing was 'rubber-necking'. Still, she made a great conversation piece."

He continued: "Nowadays, I realise that my role as Judge Eternal, Throned in Splendour could be regarded as controversial. I can reassure the American Episcopalians that I shall attempt to regard them in a more tolerant and sympathetic light from now on, and there will be no punishment for them in this world. Why, I'll even drop some 'gay manna' from Heaven, if they insist."

Gay manna.

God the Son was equally contrite. "When I said that marriage could only take place between a man and a woman, I made this comment in haste, without consulting Giles Fraser first. Although it is a self-evident truth, and I do still believe it, I feel that I may have been a little insensitive to mention it."

The Holy Spirit joined in the apologies: "Inspiring Christian writers such as St Paul and St Jude to make homophobic comments was perhaps a little tactless. Good chaps, but they did get carried away sometimes. Still, compared with the Muslims, they were really rather tolerant!"

Archbishop Welby welcomed the Trinitarian apology, and recommended to the Anglican Communion that they continue worshipping God, "at least for the time being".

The New Church of Nasty

Religious commentators became very puzzled this week, when the Church of Nice decided that, after all, it would be more honest to rebrand itself as the New Church of Nasty. This caused untold confusion, as there is already an Old Church of Nasty.

Nasty...

The original Church of Nasty takes the view that keeping God's commandments is quite a neat idea. So no adultery, homosexual activity, abortion, euthanasia, theft, false witness, etc. Loving one's neighbour doesn't include supporting him when he runs amok with a chainsaw - for although Jesus never explicitly condemned sawing your neighbour in half, we Old Nastians believe that somehow this prohibition is implicit in His teachings, based on the old Jewish law. So since for many people the greatest virtue is Tolerance, this has naturally made traditionally-minded Nastians unpopular in some circles.

... or Nice?

The big change this week came when Kim Davis of Kentucky was sent to prison by Judge David Bunning because she refused to issue same-sex "marriage" licences. Apparently, she was said to have committed contempt of court; as a result David Bunning himself is now regarded with contempt by many decent people - the words "arrogant bullying toad" spring to mind here. We heard a rumour that he himself was a Catholic - if so, then presumably one of the "Church of Nice" types.

The vultures gathered round the corpse of liberty. For example, Michael Coren, the comedy apostate, who left the Catholic Church in order to spend more time with his ego, was full of glee at the news that a committed Christian woman had been sent to prison for her beliefs - rather than, say, being assigned to other duties and being awarded compensation for the inconvenience. As for Hillary Clinton - well, the less said about her the better, under all circumstances.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama takes a picture of the person he loves most.

Of course this is not the first time that the Church of Nice has shown its teeth. Peaceful demonstrators outside abortion clinics are routinely spat on and otherwise intimidated by those of a more "liberal" point of view. People are sued when they refuse to bake cakes bearing absurd political slogans. So now that the inevitable has happened, and the "Nice" people have decided to stop all pretence of being kind, sweet, gentle people who keep kittens and love their neighbours, the renaming of their church as The New Church of Nasty was inevitable.

"Burn her for her Christian principles!" © Church of Nice New Church of Nasty

No doubt Pope Francis will ecumenically get Kim Davis released when he visits the USA.

Robin Hood defends traditional marriage

Over to Sherwood Forest, where Robin Hood is addressing his merry men.

Well met, my friends, it is good to see you all: Friar Tuck, Maid Marian, Will Scarlet, and the rest. But we have been sheltering a viper in our bosom!

General shuddering... guilty looks, etc.

Robin Hood watcheth a procession of heretics pass.

Friar Tuck: Is it I, my son? Didst thou not like the liturgical dance that I introduced into our most solemn Latin Mass?

Robin: Nay, Friar, although that was reprehensible, there is far worse to tell. The evil one is our comrade "Daft Markie", he who hath designated himself Mark Spencer, MP for Sherwood.

Little John: I never did trust that one. Why is he not here?

Robin: He hath fled unto the Sheriff of Nottingham, a man whose heart is as black as his own. He hath reported us for "terrorism". Even now the sheriff's men, they that are called the "Plod", are seeking to capture us.

Will Scarlet: Surely he is insane? While we support our noble king Richard, who fighteth the Saracen in the Holy Land, can Daft Markie really think that we are terrorists?

A failure of ecumenism.

Robin: Nay, it is not that. I will tell you a tale, although ye will scarce believe it. As ye all know, the words of Our Lord tell us that marriage is a bond between a man and a woman.

Friar Tuck: How can it be otherwise?

Robin: Well, Daft Markie hath got it into his tiny mind that a man may marry another man, or a woman marry another woman.

Marian (blushing): But surely that is a nonsense? Even Prince John the wicked hath not uttered ideas as shameful as that.

Robin: Aye, it is nonsense, but Daft Markie doth not like us to say so. He saith that we are terrorists, and that it is hate speech to teach the truth about marriage.

Little John: But marry, is it not Daft Markie that hateth us? Why is he not arraigned in the stocks as a lumpish, brain-boiled, miscreant varlet? Surely he is the one who is spreading terror?

Omnes: Aye!

Daft Markie poseth with his familiar.

Robin: Alas, it is we Christians that the world now hateth. Henceforth, we are outlaws indeed, and must flee into hiding.

A Plutonian visits Earth

This is Plutonian Astronaut Buzz Weeblezog reporting back on my recent mission to Earth. Following a recent visit to our beloved Pluto by a craft sent by the Earhlings, we took a trip to Earth to see whether intelligent life had started to develop there. When we last visited the planet, 50 Earth-years ago, the world was under the control of hippies, liberals, communists, and the Spirit of Vatican II, so we decided to come back later when their civilisation had developed beyond this.

The Plutonian space craft blasts off. (H/T @spockpuppet)

I regret to say that the Earth is still as barbarous as ever it was. I discovered an organization called Planned Parenthood whose sole purpose is to enable Earthwomen to destroy their young. These are then sold to distinctly dubious organizations: I could not determine whether the young were used for experiments, evil rituals, or simply cooked and eaten, but it seemed that all these are considered to be legitimate activities.

"Crusher" Debbie of Planned Parenthood. Never say she has no heart!

Religion continues to flourish on Earth, although there are many "God deniers". We found a big man dressed in white, whose job it is to guide a large group of religious people. This he does (mysteriously) by venerating communist artefacts - these celebrate a form of government that was very active when we last visited, and which killed millions of people.

The big white man has one overwhelming fear - that the world may end with something called "Climate Change". For us Plutonians the Earth is indeed very hot, although no more so than when we last visited. We do not yet have the big white man's comments on the killing organization Planned Parenthood.

The big white man thinks that he will be saved if he collects enough "Air Miles".

Elsewhere, we observed a strange tendency for male humans to attempt to breed with other males, or females with females, sometimes using a courtship ritual that involves waving a striped flag. Perhaps their knowledge of biology is not as advanced as we thought.

This was just a short visit, and unfortunately we mostly observed the Earthlings engaged in wickedness. Still, it is not all mass murder, although this does seem to be one of their most popular customs.

A rare indication that humans may be more advanced than animals.

Conclusion: the planet is not yet sufficiently developed for us to wish to make contact with its inhabitants. Except, perhaps, the cats.

President Obama discovers that he is saved

It is now possible to listen to President Barack Obama singing "Amazing Grace" in public. For many of us there are problems with this hymn, as it assumes that salvation is automatic once you sign up to the Calvary Chapel, Southern Methodists, Salvation Army, Freemasons, etc., and that the Day of Judgement will be a mere formality. In the words of Mr Obama, "We is all saved persons. Hallelujah!"

"For an encore, I'll sing the Dies Irae."

Obama began by singing the following lines:

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch* like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

*One mark for self-awareness.

He later explained - exclusively to this blog - how those words applied to him personally. "Yes, I know Google offers 27,100,000 results for 'Crimes of Barack Obama', but I am a changed man. I no longer support late-term abortion. I condemn those creepy judges who said that changing the definition of marriage to include homosexual couples was linked to the U.S. Constitution. Now that Jesus has entered into my life, and I is saved, I has renounced evil."**

**As my Brother Bosco will confirm, when Jesus enters your life, you also renounce grammar.

A symbolic gesture from a newly-saved president.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

It is not clear when exactly Barack Obama first believed in any god other than himself. but if he says he is saved, who are we to judge?

We asked the President how - as a saved person - he would be dealing with the real crises of the world such as the massacres of ISIS. He kindly granted us an exclusive picture in which he is seen to be taking charge. Hallelujah!

A saved person shows how to deal with Islamic terrorism.