Cupich is asked to install abortion chapel in Holy Name Cathedral

Following his successful participation in the Democratic National Convention last week, Cardinal Blase Cupich, known to regular readers as twice winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has been requested to import some of the features of the DNC to his own cathedral of Holy Name, Chicago.

"In the words of Our Lord, 'Orange Man Bad, Cackling Hyena Good!'"

One of the features of the DNC that proved most interesting was the abortion van, supplied by Planned Dead Child Parenthood. It had also been hoped that the DNC would provide a euthanasia/assisted suicide booth (after hearing the speeches, many were heard to ask "Do I have to carry on living?") However, it was felt by some people that the chances of Joe Biden wandering in by mistake, thinking it was an ice-cream parlour, were too great.

However, both an abortion chapel and a euthanasia chapel are possible features that could be incorporated into Holy Name Cathedral, assuming that the cardinal (and, presumably, the dean) agree. After all, many Americans described as devout Catholics consider these to be perfectly acceptable elements of healthcare.

As will be seen, there are several places that could be improved by the removal of unnecessary altars and the addition of healthcare facilities.

An unreligious baggage writes about Christmas

A guest post from Apollyon Toynbee of the Guardian.

Christmas comes with good cheer. The tragedy is the religious baggage.

I love Christmas! It's the time of year that all we Guardian writers are filled with good cheer, as we migrate to our villas in Tuscany and take part in all the usual traditions. Hot cross buns! Easter eggs! Drinking ourselves sensible!

I watch "It's a pretty rotten life", that movie in which a rich capitalist decides to kill himself, and we all cheer him on. (I turn off before the last bit, which is about a fascist creature called an angel, who stops him.)

I also watch "A Christmas Carol" in a special feminist version in which Ms. Scroogy goes to Bob Snatchit's House and steals all his food becase he is a SEXIST PIG.

No religion in any of these films, you will notice!

Disgusting!

No, it's the attempt by Christians to hijack the event with their nonsense about a baby being born in Nazareth, or wherever it was. Why, they've even hijacked the traditional name "Christmas", deciding to call their imaginary baby "Christ". I haven't gone into this in detail, but it seems that they also worship other imaginary children called East and Pente!

My atheist great-grandfather, Gilbert N. Sullivan, a classical scholar and also president of the humanists, called Christmas “Mithras' birthday”, because Jesus usurped this winter festival from him. (Hang on, Eccles, she really said that!) Of course the shops refused to sell him Mithras' Birthday cards, which just goes to show the level of bigotry in our society.

And don't get me onto the subject of the three "kings" bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh, when - so they tell me - ordinary citizens can't afford these luxuries and have to rely on myrrh banks! I blame Rishi Sunak.

In general, I am very tolerant of religions, provided that they are practised behind closed doors where nobody can see them. (And no cheating by making silent prayers in the streets! My friends in the Police have stocked up with tear gas, rubber bullets and tasers, just in case anyone tries to pray while thinking - or do I mean tries to think while praying?)

The anti-prayer task force has spotted a lady praying silently!

No, at this time of year I show my religious sensitivity by wishing all my Muslim friends a "Happy Hanukkah", since I know that in their gurdwaras they are celebrating that moment - sacred to them at least - when Krishna did whatever it is he did.

Admittedly, they sometimes utter a discreet "Ali Baba!" ("God is great") as they go about their traditional stabbing activities, but we can overlook such solecisms because we all believe in diversity!

Confucius he say "This is brilliant, Polly!"

Christianity is the worst, though. I dug into the Guardian bag of insults and out came "homophobic", "transphobic", "pro-life", "preaching" and "smashing and decapitating a vast statue of Athena". So there we are!

Give me the badly behaved quarrelsome gods of Valhalla, the Greeks and Romans. (Hang on, Eccles, she really said that as well!)

But worst of all, is the fact that organized religion has robbed us of the right to bump off Grandad when he's being a nuisance (The "right to die"). A lot of these do-gooders wear crosses - an instrument of torture - but whenever I suggest to them that I should be allowed to crucify Grandad Gilbert, who has a nasty dose of arthritis, they hurriedly change the subject.

So Christmas comes with good cheer, enjoy it. But know that it also comes with grandparents - I mean, religious baggage - that we should shed!

Will this do? I have recycled some of the best bits from my 2006, 2015, 2019 and 2021 articles on the subject, but there are one or two new bits as well. Apollyon.

From the desk of Katharine Viner (Editor). Not bad, Polly, but couldn't you have mentioned the fact that Christianity was invented by bronze age goatherds like C.S. Lewis (I think it was)? Love, Kathy.

Irish people plan a mass suicide pact

Following the result of the referendum on abortion, and the decision by Irish politicians to press for euthanasia next ("anything to annoy the Catholic Church"), many Irish people feel that they should now go the whole way - instead of merely exterminating the very young and very old, why not wipe out the entire population?

Ireland as it will look: empty.

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin has already given his backing to this mass suicide pact, explaining that "It is surely God's will to return Ireland to the state it was in when He created it - empty. Or, if it wasn't, don't expect me to speak out until after we've all been killed!"

The actual mechanism of the mass extermination of the Irish people is still to be decided. Historically, potato famines were very popular, but nowadays the only consequence of a potato famine would be that the Irish would no longer have to put up with that arch-bore Gary Lineker advertising his unhealthy snacks. Still, that alone makes this seem like a good idea.

Enough to make you yearn for another potato famine.

Clearly some more systematic way for the Irish to destroy themselves is required. Prime Minister Varadkar has organized a survey asking people which groups they would like to see exterminated first, and the following sections of the population were particularly disliked:

children, adults, the young, the old, the middle-aged, the religious, the non-religious, the whites, the blacks, the other races, tinkers, tailors, soldiers, sailors, rich men, poor men, beggarmen, thieves, fathers, mothers, males, females, people of undecided or indescribable sex/gender, tourists, local residents, hairy people, bald people, heterosexuals, homosexuals, anything else-sexuals, people called "Martin", people not called "Martin", the employed, the unemployed, the sick, the healthy, ...

For each of these groups it is possible to find someone who dislikes them, so into the suicide booths they go!

Ah yes, the suicide booths. Well they will look like this:

New-look suicide booth (no longer required for its original purpose).

There have already been some comments from devoutly religious British politicians on the MIDA ("Make Ireland Dead Again") plan. Theresa May thinks it's a wonderful idea, but Jacob Rees-Mogg doesn't. Still, if MIDA is a success, then the United Kingdom is certain to follow suit.

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Administrative note: for the last 5 days I have not received e-mail notifications about comments posted on this luvvly blogg. So I have only just realised there was a backlog. Sorry.

English bishops to be replaced by jelly-babies

Following a report describing the Catholic Bishops' Conference of England and Wales as a "spineless bunch of jellies", Pope Francis has decided to dismiss all the bishops and replace them with jelly-babies. "They may be a little rigid," he admitted, "but they're a lot cheaper to maintain, and most people will notice very little difference."

Your new-look bishops. Cardinals in red, of course.

Although individually some of the bishops (Egan, Davies, ...) do regularly show signs of non-gelatinous behaviour, it has been noticed that, when they gather together, their collective decisions are a disaster. It is best to clean out the fridge entirely, and start again.

This week, the bishops had a four-day party in Hinsley Hall, Leeds, and were fortified by a massive supply of cinnabons left over from Arthur Roche's days and some vintage Nuits Saint Geoffrey Boycott (Yorkshire Burgundy).

The bishops must have considered making a joint statement on the decision of Ealing Council to promote the culture of death (abortuaries), block free speech, and ban vigils. This would have offended the pressure groups 40 Days for Death and Bad Counsel Network, of course, and made the Catholic Church do something that Jesus never intended - shine a light into the darkness of secular death-culture. Bishop Egan, to his credit, had already spoken out, but we have failed to locate any statement from the Cardinal Archjelly of Westminster.

The CBCEW pose for a group photo.

More bizarrely, the jellies issued a statement on the Alfie Evans case, in which the State is trying to enforce euthanasia on a child whose illness has not been properly diagnosed, going against the wishes of the parents to seek treatment away from Alder Hey hospital. Apparently, it is in the "best interests" of the child that he be bumped off (and sadly, we think this will ultimately happen); if you have any comments suggesting the removal of life-support facilities (such as food and drink) from brain-dead members of the judiciary, you should probably keep them to yourself.

It's nice, once in a while, to see something good in Pope Francis.

What the bishops didn't notice, in their cinnabon-induced stupor, is that Pope Francis is sticking up for Alfie. Said a spokesman for the Liverpool Archdiocese, "We didn't even realise that Alfie was a Catholic. Next you'll be telling us that Archbishop McMahon is a Catholic, ha ha ha." So that puts paid to Vincent Nichols's dreams of being Pope Francis II, and we'll probably end up with Tobin instead. Nighty-night, Catholic Church, we did love you, Baby.

LATE NEWS: Cardinal Vincent Nichols has issued an angry statement on the Pope's decision to replace him. "Wobble, wobble, blobble, globble, wobble!" he says. That's telling him!

Britain’s leading lay Catholics

To celebrate the 175th anniversary of the Tablet, and the 25th anniversary of its ceasing to be a Catholic paper, we are printing excerpts from its list of Britain's leading lay Catholics - or, to be more precise, those powerful people who have done so much to make the Catholic church conform to Tablet values.

Hecate Popestrangler, ACTA Sturmbannführerin.

Hecate is the coordinator of the Midsomer branch of ACTA, and she has done more than anyone else to foster dialogue between the bishops and the rebellious laity. Comments about her work include "It's that old bat on the phone again, My Lord," and "Tell her to jump in the lake." A regular columnist for the Tablet and qualified liturgical dance instructor.

Adolf Herod, Amnasty International Infanticide Division.

Adolf, a pious Catholic, hides his light under a bushel. So much so that he is single-handedly responsible for changing Amnasty International from an organization that cared for prisoners into one which pushes for abortion. Dr Herod is also an influential member of the Catholic Youth in Asia campaign, which is pressing for a humane death for everyone over the age of 60.

Harriet Cyberman, Secretary of State for Cotton Wool.

Harriet is one of the most powerful Catholics in the country, and is said to have the Prime Minister's ear (obvious joke omitted). A keen proponent of same-sex marriage, equality, diversity, dexterity, elasticity, viscosity and toxicity, Harriet lives in Hampstead with her wife and three test-tube babies. She greatly admires Chris Patten.

Professor Sidney Vicious.

Professor Vicious is on our televisions most nights, whether it's as a guest on Strictly Come Chainsaw-Massacring or I'm a psychopath, get me out of here! Whenever the BBC needs someone to explain how Catholics are just like everyone else - and even believe exactly the same things - Professor Vicious, the Regius Professor of Astrology at Myra Hindley University, is there to oblige. His new translation of the Mass, with added expletives, is recommended by the Tablet.

Celebrities move to Belgium

Belgium has long been an attractive place for tax exiles: for example, in recent years the rock singer Johnny Hallyday and the actor Gérard Depardieu have both applied for Belgian citizenship. And this week, Adolf Hitler, 124, a retired politician, announced that he and some close friends would also be moving to the land of the sprout.

Hitler begins his house-hunting.

Herr Hitler had formerly been a resident of North Korea; however, as he says laughingly, "The political system there is great, but I get a bit tired of hot dogs made from real poodles. With the passing of this new law in Belgium, permitting the euthanasia of children, I feel I am really moving to a country that suits me."

Hitler has long been an admirer of Belgium - indeed, for a few years in the 1940s he owned it - although he never dreamed that his ideas would come back into fashion so soon. However, not all Belgians welcome the new law, and Mlle Lisa Colbert, for one, is planning to set up a resistance movement, or "secret army" to rescue children.

We'll be sending children "down the line" to Spain.

Following concerns expressed by Syria, the United Nations is expected to take some time off Vatican-bashing, to look into the situation. Said a spokesman, "We have received a proposal from the United States, that we should try air strikes on Belgium - according to Barack Obama, dropping bombs on people is the best way to help them - and we are seriously considering the possibility."

"Live long and prosper (unless you're ill)!" says Prime Minister Elio di Rupo.

Suicide, euthanasia, and abortion have long been important parts of Belgian culture. Explained one doctor: "People wake up one day, and say to themselves My God! I'm a Belgian! For many, this is such shocking news that they feel obliged to end it all on the spot."

A traditional welcoming sign at the Belgian border.

Before the new euthanasia law comes into force, it must receive the royal assent from King Philippe of Belgium, who is a devout Catholic and a regular reader of this blog. We advise him to abdicate to avoid putting his signature to this law, as did his uncle, King Baudouin when abortion was legalised, although this will not save Belgium. And where Belgium leads, can the rest of Europe be far behind? Another famous Belgian is on the case (and we don't mean Hercule Poirot).

We're working on a new "euthanasia" directive, to apply to the whole of the EU.

BBC Moral Night

Welcome to "Moral Night" a new BBC discussion programme where we look at the burning moral and political issues of our time and, as a new departure, attempt to invite speakers with a balanced selection of views.

Lord Reith, watching over the BBC's morals

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Our first issue tonight is abortion. To present the full range of opinions, we have invited Dr Terry Minate, a surgeon whose faithfulness to his Hippocratic oath has led him to run an abortion clinic, and Ms Dodo Killemov, who runs Killemov Advice, the centre for helping women decide to get rid of their babies. We also have two people with more extreme opinions: Lord O'Bama, who is campaigning for abortion to be legal for all children under the age of two, and, as spokesman for the eccentric weird and shocking anti-choice viewpoint, a new-born baby.

A spokesman for the deranged pro-life cause.

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Next, we have the issue of same-sex marriage. Again we have a balanced selection of opinions. In the main-stream, we have Prime Minister David Cameron, who will explain why changing the definition of marriage is the most important issue facing the country at present, and Ms Les Bean of the Wimmin's Collective Commune and Marriage Bureau. At the extremes, we have Elton Spong of Stonerage, who wishes to restrict all marriage to same-sex couples, and, presenting the discredited religious viewpoint, the Bishop of Chessington.

+John Chess., a silent spokesman for nasty traditional marriage.

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Finally, we shall discuss euthanasia. The "standard" opinions will be presented by Dr Heinz Blofeld, who runs the popular "Bumpemoff" clinic in Switzerland, and Lord Death, managing director of Deathco Suicide Pills Ltd. More extreme views will be available from Hermann Shipmann, who wishes to replace the standard retirement age by a standard death age, and finally (you won't believe this), a spokesman for the anti-euthanasia cause, a gin-sodden and senile old lady.

Am I dead yet? What's going on? Woeful.

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But first, since this is the BBC, it says in my contract that I have to go and molest some of our more vulnerable staff. We'll be back soon!