The Saints' Song

Probably most readers are familiar with Tom Lehrer's "Elements" Song, which rattles through the chemical elements to the tune of the Major General's Song from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance. If not, it is here.

St Thomas Lehrer.

For several years I have tried to produce something similar with the names of saints, so I got as far as something like "There's Mary, Peter, Paul and Andrew, Matthew, Mark and Luke and John" but then inspiration deserted me. So now that we have AI at hand, I asked Grok, Copilot and ChatGPT to write something. The best of the three efforts produced was by ChatGPT (honestly, Grok, you were rubbish!)

So here we are. My only contribution was in working out what question to ask. The scansion's a bit dodgy, but I will fix that when I have time (i.e., never).

The Saints’ Song
(to the tune of “The Major-General’s Song”)

Verse 1
There’s Ag-nes, Anne, and An-tho-ny, and Ba-sil, Be-ne-dict, 
And Ca-ther-ine of Al-ex-an-dria, Clare, and Do-mi-nic,
There’s Ed-ward, Fran-cis, Gre-go-ry, and He-le-na, so pious too,
And Ig-na-tius, Je-rome, and Joan of Arc, who’d fight and pray for you! 
There’s Law-rence, Lu-cy, Mar-ga-ret, and Mo-ni-ca, ma-ter-nal-ly, 
And Ni-cho-las (with presents, though he start-ed lit-ur-gi-cal-ly),
From O-laf up to Zi-ta, ev-’ry saint is quite ca-non-i-cal—
I know the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal!

(Chorus)
He knows the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal! 
He knows the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal!

Verse 2
There’s Pat-rick, Paul, and Pe-ter, plus Se-bas-tian (ar-rows trag-i-cal), 
And Ste-phen (stoned but saint-ly), who’s dis-tinct-ly ped-a-gog-i-cal, 
There’s Thom-as More, and Thom-as Beck-et, Thom-as A-qui-nas too, 
And Val-en-tine, whose card de-sign’s com-mer-cial-ly askew,
There’s Ce-cil-ia, pa-tron-ess of mu-sic, ev-er lyr-i-cal,
And Clau-dia, Con-stan-tine, and Chris-to-pher (empir-i-cal?),
There’s Am-brose, An-selm, Ath-a-na-si-us, Au-gus-tine (in-tel-lec-tu-al!)— 
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al!

(Chorus)
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al! 
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al!

Verse 3
There’s Bri-gid, Ber-nard, Blaise, and Bar-ba-ra, Bon-a-ven-ture, Bea, 
And Hil-de-gard of Bin-gen, who com-posed in saint-ly Do-ri-an key,
There’s George, who slew a dra-gon (though it might have been meta-phor-i-cal), 
And Ri-ta, who’s for caus-es that are frank-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal,
There’s Hu-bert, Is-i-dore, E-li-as, E-liz-a-beth, and Anne,
And Scho-las-ti-ca (with Ben-e-dict, her con-tem-pla-tive old man), 
From Xa-vi-er to Zo-zi-mus, I’ve list-ed quite the pan-o-ply—
I’m prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy!

(Chorus)
He’s prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy! 
He’s prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy!

Final Verse
So if you seek a pa-tron for your vir-tue or vo-ca-tion-al, 
I’ll find one most ap-pro-pri-ate, how-ev-er sit-u-a-tion-al,
For sail-ors, smiths, or stu-dents, there’s a saint that fits gram-mat-i-cal-ly,
And all of them pro-nounce their names in ways un-sys-tem-at-i-cal!) 
From mar-tyrs, monks, and mys-tics to the moth-ers most im-mac-u-late, 
I cat-a-log their ho-li-ness in tem-po quick and ac-cu-rate,
In short, in mat-ters sanc-ti-fied, se-raph-ic, and his-tor-i-cal— 
I am the ver-y mod-el of a saint-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal!

(Final Chorus)
In short, in mat-ters sanc-ti-fied, se-raph-ic, and his-tor-i-cal— 
He is the ver-y mod-el of a saint-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal!