This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 22 June 2020

The Great Escape

The thrilling story of how Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI escaped from prison in Regensburg and made his way back to Rome.

We all thought that he was taking a trip to see his sick brother, but the true story was apparently far more sinister.

Bruvver Bungalow sets the scene for us.

Bugnolo drivel

Trouble for Benedict...

Next, Marshall Taylor sees a photo of Benedict and asks a friend of his, a qualified boxer, to give a diagnosis of the old man's health. Popeye Brutus, from his great experience of 93-year-old boxers, decides that Benedict has been punched on the hooter.

Taylor Marshall drivel

Could there be another explanation why Benedict looks about 90?

We knew that Francis was angry with Benedict - mostly jealousy because Benedict had read some books without pictures in, won the 2019 award for "best behaved Pope", and knew the entire catechism of the Catholic Church off by heart in six languages. Now was Francis's chance to remove him from the game.

Things were looking black for our hero, imprisoned in Stalag-Kasper-Marx 3, the notorious prisoner of war camp, where the most dangerous enemies of the Pope often end up. Surely that's Henry Sire making a glider? And Matthew Festing seems to be revving up a motorbike...

wooden horse

Four rigid Catholics help Benedict to escape.

The escape committee consisted of Viganò, Burke, and Schneider, together with the two Ratzinger brothers and their faithful sergeant, Georg Gänswein. The plan was simple: Georg would vault over a wooden horse, while Viganò, Burke, and Schneider sat underneath digging a tunnel. The Ratzinger brothers distracted the guards.

After that, Benedict escaped to Rome, using a forged passport in the name of Von Ekkles, disguising himself as a vacuum-cleaner salesman from Ulm.


"Having a lovely time. Glad you're not here. A card sent to the Vatican.

Soon to be another major film starring Anthony Hopkins as Benedict, Jonathan Pryce as Francis, and Brad Pitt as Archbishop Gänswein.


  1. Oh boy... haven't laughed so fortissimo since before the lockdown.
    Thanks for bringing some British(?) humour every now and then in my very southern - ex-British colonial country - life. Well, even for me, a Boer for some not so short time under the heel of The British Empire but not striving to remove Cecil John Rhodes statues from any campus, I beg you to please continue with your ravings, dear Eccles.

  2. Benedict is just suffering a slight colditz.

  3. And the long robes they were wearing were perfect for disguising the bags of earth that they dug from the escape tunnel, which they disposed while walking along by pulling a cunningly concealed piece of string...just follow the trail...

    1. And replying in German, or any great number of languages, will be no problem for our Benedict.

  4. Bruvver Eccles, we need you more than ever for the funnies! Pope Benedict is indeed our hero.

  5. God love you Pope Benedict. Probably so tired of the Chinese food at your prison.

  6. The vacuum cleaner disguise was ingenious! I'm wondering how it went for Festing and Sire.....

  7. Did the vacuum cleaner make it safely?