This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 29 June 2020

Get your black market tickets for Mass!

In England and Wales, we can all go to Mass again on Sunday 5th July, BUT we are limited by social distancing to about 1/6 of our normal attendance. Some churches will ask you to book in advance to get a ticket, and you may have missed out.

Del Boy

£100 squire, or you'll have to watch Fr Phil on television!

However, as a service to worshippers, we are offering black market tickets to those who couldn't get them. Since the alternative is to queue for standing tickets, starting at 4 a.m., you know it makes sense to support Eccles Ticket Touts Eccles Worship Services.

  • £100 buys you a good seat in St Daryl the Apostate's, or £50 if you'll settle for a seat behind a pillar. Specially sterilized cushion included.
  • For £200 we lend you some vestments and you can sit in the chancel.
  • For £500 we lend you a mitre and crozier and you can sit on the bishop's throne in our local cathedral!

woman bad vestments

Only £200, and I get to preach the homily as well!

We are negotiating with the Vatican for the loan of white papal robes, so that you can have the best seat of all, with the option of doing your own sermon. Warning: this will need to be vetted by us beforehand, to make sure that only insults, ambiguous statements, and incomprehensible remarks are used. We don't want to make it too obvious that there is a cuckoo in the chair of St Peter!


  1. Whu abou' photo's? Candid, candid photo's? Nudge nudge.

  2. The insults must be directed at Catholics in your homily. None at pagans, atheists, heretics, or schismatics.

    1. I don't recommend buying tickets on the black market, honestly. That might get you to a Black Mass on a Black Sabbath by mistake...

  3. The faithful have been assisting at Mass in Spain since Ascension. I had a disastrous start receiving the Lord: with the last-minute realisation that I needed to remove my face-mask, which - in my haste to unhook the elastic straps around my ears - was catapulted over the priest's right shoulder and it landed halfway to the lectern. I said,"Amen" keeping my composure - as did he - and I fled back to my pew being glared at by everyone for not wearing a mask...

    On retrieving the mask after Mass, my parish priest asked, "And how is being a hermit coming along?" I took this as spiritual encouragement to keep maintaining my usual low profile.

  4. In one of the states in the USA -- you have to have a reservation for mass and if you don't get your call in early -- well then you don't get in. Also I was told at the masses they get holy communion at the end of mass -- while getting ready to leave church. Oh their governor is a Catholic -- He has only killed a few thousand elderly in nursing homes and is thrilled he made a law to kill babies up to the ninth month. What a guy! And just look how the Catholics love him - Why they voted him in didn't they?