The Saints' Song

Probably most readers are familiar with Tom Lehrer's "Elements" Song, which rattles through the chemical elements to the tune of the Major General's Song from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance. If not, it is here.

St Thomas Lehrer.

For several years I have tried to produce something similar with the names of saints, so I got as far as something like "There's Mary, Peter, Paul and Andrew, Matthew, Mark and Luke and John" but then inspiration deserted me. So now that we have AI at hand, I asked Grok, Copilot and ChatGPT to write something. The best of the three efforts produced was by ChatGPT (honestly, Grok, you were rubbish!)

So here we are. My only contribution was in working out what question to ask. The scansion's a bit dodgy, but I will fix that when I have time (i.e., never).

The Saints’ Song
(to the tune of “The Major-General’s Song”)

Verse 1
There’s Ag-nes, Anne, and An-tho-ny, and Ba-sil, Be-ne-dict, 
And Ca-ther-ine of Al-ex-an-dria, Clare, and Do-mi-nic,
There’s Ed-ward, Fran-cis, Gre-go-ry, and He-le-na, so pious too,
And Ig-na-tius, Je-rome, and Joan of Arc, who’d fight and pray for you! 
There’s Law-rence, Lu-cy, Mar-ga-ret, and Mo-ni-ca, ma-ter-nal-ly, 
And Ni-cho-las (with presents, though he start-ed lit-ur-gi-cal-ly),
From O-laf up to Zi-ta, ev-’ry saint is quite ca-non-i-cal—
I know the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal!

(Chorus)
He knows the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal! 
He knows the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal!

Verse 2
There’s Pat-rick, Paul, and Pe-ter, plus Se-bas-tian (ar-rows trag-i-cal), 
And Ste-phen (stoned but saint-ly), who’s dis-tinct-ly ped-a-gog-i-cal, 
There’s Thom-as More, and Thom-as Beck-et, Thom-as A-qui-nas too, 
And Val-en-tine, whose card de-sign’s com-mer-cial-ly askew,
There’s Ce-cil-ia, pa-tron-ess of mu-sic, ev-er lyr-i-cal,
And Clau-dia, Con-stan-tine, and Chris-to-pher (empir-i-cal?),
There’s Am-brose, An-selm, Ath-a-na-si-us, Au-gus-tine (in-tel-lec-tu-al!)— 
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al!

(Chorus)
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al! 
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al!

Verse 3
There’s Bri-gid, Ber-nard, Blaise, and Bar-ba-ra, Bon-a-ven-ture, Bea, 
And Hil-de-gard of Bin-gen, who com-posed in saint-ly Do-ri-an key,
There’s George, who slew a dra-gon (though it might have been meta-phor-i-cal), 
And Ri-ta, who’s for caus-es that are frank-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal,
There’s Hu-bert, Is-i-dore, E-li-as, E-liz-a-beth, and Anne,
And Scho-las-ti-ca (with Ben-e-dict, her con-tem-pla-tive old man), 
From Xa-vi-er to Zo-zi-mus, I’ve list-ed quite the pan-o-ply—
I’m prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy!

(Chorus)
He’s prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy! 
He’s prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy!

Final Verse
So if you seek a pa-tron for your vir-tue or vo-ca-tion-al, 
I’ll find one most ap-pro-pri-ate, how-ev-er sit-u-a-tion-al,
For sail-ors, smiths, or stu-dents, there’s a saint that fits gram-mat-i-cal-ly,
And all of them pro-nounce their names in ways un-sys-tem-at-i-cal!) 
From mar-tyrs, monks, and mys-tics to the moth-ers most im-mac-u-late, 
I cat-a-log their ho-li-ness in tem-po quick and ac-cu-rate,
In short, in mat-ters sanc-ti-fied, se-raph-ic, and his-tor-i-cal— 
I am the ver-y mod-el of a saint-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal!

(Final Chorus)
In short, in mat-ters sanc-ti-fied, se-raph-ic, and his-tor-i-cal— 
He is the ver-y mod-el of a saint-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal!

Pope Francis has got a little list

It was time that someone set the Pope Francis book of insults to music, and it will now form part of Gilbert and Sullivan's latest opera, The Dictator, subtitled The Fourteenth Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops.

Take it away, Holy Father!

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list – I've got a little list
Of the Catholics that we are trying to drive underground,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!

There's the creed-reciting parrot-Christians meaning what they say –
The fomenter of coprophagia - he has had his day –
The self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagian -
And airport bishops, who are quite authoritarian,
Museum mummies, and of course the fundamentalist –
They'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS (Spadaro, Martin and Rosica): 
He’s got 'em on the list – he’s got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed – they'll none of 'em be missed.

"I'm sure they'll not be missed."

Mr and Mrs Whiner, and the others of their race -
And the old triumphalist - I’ve got him on the list!
And the existential tourist with a pickled-pepper face -
He never would be missed – he never would be missed!
Then the sloth-diseased acedic Christian - he'll be going soon,
The slaves of superficiality, the sourpuss priest-tycoon;
And the modern gnostics, rigid Christians, who are too polite -
The Christian bats who still prefer the shadows to the light!
And then the querulous and disillusioned pessimist –
I don’t think he'd be missed – I’m sure he'd not be missed!

CHORUS. He’s got him on the list – he’s got him on the list;
And I don’t think he'll be missed – I’m sure he'll not be missed!

"Buddy, can you spare a paradigm?"

And that type of leprous courtier, who just now is rather rife,
The restorationist – I’ve got him on the list!
Promoters of the poison of immanence, causing strife –
They'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed.
And those cardinals who know their faith, 
                                 but will not change their mind,
Such as – What d'ye call him – Raymond Thingy,
                                     and Walter -  Never-mind,
And then there's Gerhard What's-his-name, and Robert You-know-who –
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list – you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed – they'll none of 'em be missed!

"Let's go for a drink - I don't think we'll be missed."

I am the Archbishop of Westminster

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan, yet again, for a rewrite of HMS Pinafore. To be sung by a rather undisciplined cardinal, together with a chorus of admiring bishops.

"... and I have no memory of ever meeting Kieran Conry."

I am the Archbishop of Westminster;
   And a good Archbishop, too!
You're very, very good,
And be it understood,
You're all splendid bishops too.
   We’re very, very good,
   And be it understood,
   We're all splendid bishops too.
While folk shudder, "He said that?"
I have got a big red hat,
So I know the Pope likes me;
Though my memory may fail,
I know how to spin a tale
And I never utter heresy!
   What, never?
No, never!
   What, never?
Hardly ever!
   Hardly ever utters heresy!
   Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
   For the saintly Archbishop of Westminster!

"You're cohabiting with a giant rubber fish? That's really splendid. Well done!"

I do my best to sanctify you all –
   And with you we're quite content.
You're a witless load of fools,
But it's not against the rules
If you sin and don't repent.
   We're a witless load of fools,
   But it's not against the rules
   If we sin and don't repent.
Gay Masses in West One,
Are surely lots of fun,
They're events I'm pleased to see.
Folk say Kasper should retire,
But it's him that I admire,
And I never welcome Tina B. –
   What, never?
   No, never!
   What, never?
Well, hardly ever!
   Hardly ever welcomes Tina B. –
   Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
   For the faithful Archbishop of Westminster!

Well... hardly ever!

Something for Catholics to celebrate

These are hard times for Christians who want something to celebrate, as Archdruid Eileen has pointed out. Our fellow-Christians in Mosul are being persecuted by Islamic thugs - although this can't be a very serious massacre or else Messrs Obama, Cameron, Hollande and Merkel would have said something about it, and Clegg the wonder dog would have barked. Not all that far away, the people of Israel and Gaza are getting on rather badly, as even the politicians have noticed. Then if you're a Christian in the West you will be assailed by the forces of darkness in various ways: abortion, euthanasia, "gay pride" parades, ... and you are increasingly likely to be persecuted if you stand up against them. Not a lot of laughs so far.

The story so far.

However, for Catholics, it is a time of celebration! 500 years since the Reformation (or it will be in 2017). Indeed, the Lutherans have invited us all to celebrate this, and why not? 500 years since the Catholic church got rid of some of its most boring members! Douglas Adams would have put the Lutherans in the B-ark along with the hairdressers and telephone sanitizers, and this is the religious equivalent. As the Mikado has it:

All prosy dull society sinners
Who chatter and bleat and bore
Are sent to hear sermons 
From mystical Germans 
Who preach from ten to four.

Fortunately, Catholics are more likely to get a five-minute homily (say, the same length as the Beatitudes) rather than a six-hour German sermon with all the verbs packed into the last half-hour - even if it may be an anecdote about a power cut in the deacon's shed rather than a piece of solid theology.

Luther: never wrote one thesis when he could write 95.

Of course, the Reformation had more consequences than simply putting some of the most boring Germans into their own little box. Lots of people (both Catholic and Protestant) were martyred, enduring what the Bishop of Lancaster might call "a voluntary period of being burnt to death". Shall we celebrate that, too? Oddly, we don't do that to each other any more, we leave it to the Muslims to do it for us.

If you lose your luggage, say a prayer to someone. Anyone will do.

It's unlikely that ISIS will invite us to a multi-faith celebration in honour of the "cleansing" of Mosul, but if you do get an invitation, do accept! It is always blessed to be ecumenical, and it doesn't matter what you believe provided that you believe something! Not that I would wish to offend our non-believing brothers and sisters either, of course.

Jubilate Deo!

An Anglican Service

For reasons I won't go into, I had to attend an Anglican Communion Service this morning, somewhere in deepest East Anglia. This is what I found.

Not the actual church, but something like it.

The church itself was built in Catholic times, several hundred years before the Reformation. I'm told that when the Church of England was set up they planned to construct a whole new set of churches, but thanks to the generosity of the Catholic Church, which lent them its own buildings, they didn't need to.

The first hymn was Onward, Christian Soldiers. I am not sure whether this was chosen as being appropriate for Lent, or because we are soon expecting to fight a re-run of the Crimean war. The hymn has a stirring tune by Sir Arthur Sullivan, and this verse in particular stood out:

Like a mighty army
Moves the Church of God;
Brothers, we are treading
Where the Saints have trod.
We are not divided;
All one body we:
One in hope and doctrine,
One in charity.

This is where the Anglicans definitely have the edge - I don't think the Catholics could sing "One in hope and doctrine" with a straight face (see this blog, passim, for reasons why not). But then a dreadful thought struck me? Was S. Baring-Gould being satirical? Were Baring-Gould and Sullivan a comic partnership similar to Gilbert and Sullivan?

I don't think he was being satirical there.

I checked this with an Anglican after the service. "Don't you have dissenters too? Some Anglicans want women bishops, some don't believe in the authority of women priests. Some of you campaign for same-sex weddings, and others think they're an abomination?"

"No, Eccles, we all believe in the traditional Christian doctrine handed down by our ancestors. We may allow some women to call themselves bishops, but nobody really takes them seriously."

The comic vestments are a hint that she is not to be taken seriously.

Then I thought of Giles Fraser, and realised that the Anglicans do have the official position of "comedy vicar" - a spiritual version of court jester - which does not exist in the Catholic Church, although some very well-qualified people are campaigning for its introduction.

The sermon was rather good. Part of the message was again relevant to the Catholic Church with which I am more familiar - the vicar was explaining the virtues of obedience, and he said in an exasperated tone that some people thought that obedience was only for dogs. Perhaps all is not well in the C of E? Do they have people like Hans Küng? Is there an Anglican ACTA trying to undermine Justin Welby? These are deep waters, Watson.

An obedient dog.

We had four hymns, all dating from the 19th century or earlier - in contrast with the last but one Catholic Mass I went to, where all four hymns were from the 1960s or later. We even had "Who would true valour see" by Bunyan, which would make a perfectly good Catholic hymn too. This was the traditional version with hobgoblins, foul fiends and lions to fight, rather than the weaker version one sometime sees; however, it was mildly modernised to "No goblin or foul fiend". I am not sure whether a goblin with a hob is better or worse than a hob-less one.

This will not daunt his spirit.

Oh, there was one dreadful part of the service. The infamous "Sign of Peace". The little country church had about thirty worshippers, and approximately fifteen of them insisted on shaking hands with me - in a Catholic Mass it might be eight out of 150. I had the feeling that some people had got up that Sunday morning and said "I'll bet I can shake hands with thirty people today. My average over the last ten services is 28.4."

Practising for the "peace".

Still, apart from that, a good time was had by all.

Annoying people to be banned

Theresa May, the Home Secretary, is proposing to introduce legislation to ban annoyance, with the implementation of orders known as IPNAs (Injunctions to Prevent Nuisance and Annoyance).

This sort of irritating nuisance will probably be banned from our streets.

Naturally, we give Mrs May our full support here, as we find many things irritating. Following W.S. Gilbert with his little list, including:

There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs –
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs – 

we have even attempted to make our own list, which included:

There are atheists like Dawkins who is nothing but a clown
For his books contain the biggest heap of garbage written down -

Yes, yes, yes, we must keep them all off the streets!

Even Damian Thompson (seen here with Fr Jorge Bergoglio receiving a cake from Mrs Gladys Mills) can be very irritating.

The important thing from now on is that everyone must be happy, and nobody must be irritated. Are you angry because your train is late? Well, now you will be able to put the managing director of Late Western in prison!

This being a mostly-religious blog, we are naturally delighted that the law will now enable us to dispose of our enemies in a state-sanctioned way - for we must not expect religious groups to have any exemptions! What is your particular hatred? Latin Masses? Paul Inwood? Carol Singers? The National Secular Society? Ban them!

Irritated by a liturgical tango? Tell Theresa!

Then again, wearing red noses in public is an established Catholic tradition, dating back to the encyclical De Nasis Rubris of Pope Pius XII, but some people do find it irritating, and Mrs May's law will make it illegal if anyone objects.

No longer shall we be seeing red-nosed popes!

So, what's not to like? All the irritating people will be driven off our streets - cyclists, motorists, pedestrians - and all the irritating newspapers - Guardian, Daily Mail, Babes in Custard - will be banned from sale. Surely, the great Theresa is onto a winner here!

And don't even think of participating in any demonstrations!

When I was a lad...

If you didn't enjoy I've got a little list, I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic, or The nightmare song, then you certainly won't enjoy this one. In case the original is unfamiliar, it may be found here, for example.

Ready for the song...

When I was a lad I spent six terms
At Oxford, studying the voles and worms.
I also learnt about the frogs and mice,
And camels, crocodiles, and goats and lice.
I learned so much about zoologee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learned so much about zoologee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Ready for the next verse...

To reach the top I had to climb uphill,
And started studying for my D.Phil.
I wrote a thesis about how hens behaved:
For four long years upon this work I slaved.
I understood those chickens so successfullee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He understood those chickens so successfullee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

A well-understood chicken.

Of chicken-knowledge I acquired such a grip,
Those Oxford dons gave me a lectureship.
I told the students everything I knew
And most of them came back for Lecture 2.
I taught those students so efficientlee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He taught those students so efficientlee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

The Elvis gene.

In public life I came upon the scene
By writing something called The selfish gene.
Of fame and glory I began to dream
When people said they liked my new word, "Meme".
I grew so used to saying "Me me me"
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He grew so used to saying "Me me me"
That now he is an expert on theologee!

On to the next verse, dudes!

I wrote another book - it was a grind - 
Of watches made by someone who was blind.
On evolution I was now expert
And treated all religious views like dirt.
I studied Darwin so assiduouslee
That now I am an expert on theologee!
 
CHORUS: He studied Darwin so assiduouslee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

The Ascent of Darwin.

In private life I'd been a little bored,
But my third wife was actress Lalla Ward.
She was no scientist, it's true,
Although she'd come to fame in Dr Who.
I learnt so much from planet Gallifree
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learnt so much from planet Gallifree
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Mrs Dawkins enjoys an audio book of The Blind Watchmaker.

I walked one day around New College quad,
And thought "I know, I'll start attacking God!"
The God Delusion was the book I wrote:
Its healthy sales made me show off and gloat.
The masses so much liked tomfooleree
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: The masses so much liked tomfooleree
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Richard helps a poor mad woman onto his bus.

I got up to a few more tricks
By baiting Anglicans and Catholics.
I tried to persecute the Pope:
I said "Arrest him!" They replied "You dope!"
I hassled Christians so effectivelee
They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

CHORUS: He hassled Christians so effectivelee
They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

Monsieur, je vous accuse d'être le Pape.

Now readers all, whoever you may be,
If you want to be an expert on theologee,
Don't read the Bible, Augustine, Jerome,
Or any writings from those men in Rome.
Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

CHORUS: Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

That's not how I became an expert on theology.

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!

An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!

An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!

I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic

With apologies, once again, to Gilbert and Sullivan.

All join in the singing, please.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic,
I teach that faith before the 1960s was dia-bo-lic.
The services in Latin we rewrote in the vernacular,
With errors in translation that were really quite spectacular.
We threw out all that chanting in the style known as Gregorian -
It's really just of interest to a dusty old historian!
No ancient hymns we now allow - of classics we won't have any -
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Chorus: 
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Paul Inwood discovers that Bishop Egan won't need him when he's 64.

We tore down all the altars and we put in common kitchen stuff. 
We threw out all the rit-u-als - but did we really ditch enough?
In short we now have services where worshippers at Mass fro-lic, 
According to the model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic.

A liberal Catholic visits a liberal shrine.

I like to read the Tablet, which is edited by Pepinster:
Adored by many bishops, such as Vincent N. of Westminster.
We've Curti, Duffy, Beattie, Stourton, Patten, and Ma Kennedy,
(The last one is a Baroness - for that there is no remedy).
We're very keen on selling all that's best in modern heresy -
The doctrines we support will often shock the modern clerisy.
One thing we cannot stand is any hint of Va-ti-can edict,
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

Chorus:
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

No space to mention Clifford Longley - sorry, Cliff!

With Francis now in Peter's chair, we'll give support conditional:
We hope he'll change the Church's views, but fear he is traditional.
What Christ and the apostles taught is simply not worth stating now:
We'll soon teach you some newer things, it all requires updating now!

"I'll tell you what to say when I've read the Tablet."

In fact, if you can twist Church teaching like a good contortionist,
And say there's nothing wrong when women visit an abortionist,
If you're prepared for family life and marriage to be redefined,
And marry someone of the same sex/ neither/ both/ or undefined -
Indeed, if you have views on Good and Evil of the haziest,
Which could have been made up just now by any half-wit atheist,
In fact if you reject tradition holy and apos-to-lic,
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

Chorus:
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

She'd make a mighty fine bishop, wouldn't she?

Rewriting scripture makes me feel just like a revolutionist,
But some say I am secular, and just a simple humanist,
Yet still, although my traddy critics say my views are sham-bo-lic,
I'm just the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic!

Evil? No, simply a modernist!

I've got a little list

With apologies to W.S. Gilbert.

KO-KO

As some day it will happen that the guilty must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of the Vatican's opponents, who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There are atheists like Dawkins who is nothing but a clown
For his books contain the biggest heap of garbage written down -
There's big fat oafish Stephen Fry, who jokes on child abuse,
There must be some point to the man, he doesn't seem much use -

The natural choice to play a pompous, vain, self-loving fool.

Giles Fraser's slightly Christian, but he's far more Socialist -
He never would be missed — he never would be missed!
  
CHORUS

He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

KO-KO

There are Catholic politicians, for whom party takes first place 
Like Iain Duncan Smith — I've got him on the list!
Then McLoughlin - known as Patrick - is another real disgrace -
He never would be missed — he never would be missed!

Blah, blah, blah. Equal marriage. Blah blah blah.

Then the BBC's Ed Stourton speaks in sympathetic tone
Of all the little heresies and faiths except his own;
There's the lady from Roehampton, she who dresses like a guy,
She is sometimes banned from speaking, but she'd 
                                        'rather like to try';
And that singular anomaly, the lady Tabletist —
I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

 
CHORUS

He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

KO-KO

There are all those suspect clergy, who attack Pope Benedict,
The obsessive modernist — I've got him on the list!
Some gloomy deacons, comic priests and bishops (badly picked) —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed.
There's the German Prof. who wishes he could sit on Peter's throne,
So modest that he's got a six-foot statue of his own -

O worship the Küng...

And apologetic bishops of a compromising kind,
Such as — Cormac... Whatsit, Kieran... Thingie, 
                                   and Crispian... Never-mind.
There are many who spout utter rot and blame it on Vat II -
The task of finding extra names I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS

You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!