The Saints' Song

Probably most readers are familiar with Tom Lehrer's "Elements" Song, which rattles through the chemical elements to the tune of the Major General's Song from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance. If not, it is here.

St Thomas Lehrer.

For several years I have tried to produce something similar with the names of saints, so I got as far as something like "There's Mary, Peter, Paul and Andrew, Matthew, Mark and Luke and John" but then inspiration deserted me. So now that we have AI at hand, I asked Grok, Copilot and ChatGPT to write something. The best of the three efforts produced was by ChatGPT (honestly, Grok, you were rubbish!)

So here we are. My only contribution was in working out what question to ask. The scansion's a bit dodgy, but I will fix that when I have time (i.e., never).

The Saints’ Song
(to the tune of “The Major-General’s Song”)

Verse 1
There’s Ag-nes, Anne, and An-tho-ny, and Ba-sil, Be-ne-dict, 
And Ca-ther-ine of Al-ex-an-dria, Clare, and Do-mi-nic,
There’s Ed-ward, Fran-cis, Gre-go-ry, and He-le-na, so pious too,
And Ig-na-tius, Je-rome, and Joan of Arc, who’d fight and pray for you! 
There’s Law-rence, Lu-cy, Mar-ga-ret, and Mo-ni-ca, ma-ter-nal-ly, 
And Ni-cho-las (with presents, though he start-ed lit-ur-gi-cal-ly),
From O-laf up to Zi-ta, ev-’ry saint is quite ca-non-i-cal—
I know the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal!

(Chorus)
He knows the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal! 
He knows the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal!

Verse 2
There’s Pat-rick, Paul, and Pe-ter, plus Se-bas-tian (ar-rows trag-i-cal), 
And Ste-phen (stoned but saint-ly), who’s dis-tinct-ly ped-a-gog-i-cal, 
There’s Thom-as More, and Thom-as Beck-et, Thom-as A-qui-nas too, 
And Val-en-tine, whose card de-sign’s com-mer-cial-ly askew,
There’s Ce-cil-ia, pa-tron-ess of mu-sic, ev-er lyr-i-cal,
And Clau-dia, Con-stan-tine, and Chris-to-pher (empir-i-cal?),
There’s Am-brose, An-selm, Ath-a-na-si-us, Au-gus-tine (in-tel-lec-tu-al!)— 
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al!

(Chorus)
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al! 
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al!

Verse 3
There’s Bri-gid, Ber-nard, Blaise, and Bar-ba-ra, Bon-a-ven-ture, Bea, 
And Hil-de-gard of Bin-gen, who com-posed in saint-ly Do-ri-an key,
There’s George, who slew a dra-gon (though it might have been meta-phor-i-cal), 
And Ri-ta, who’s for caus-es that are frank-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal,
There’s Hu-bert, Is-i-dore, E-li-as, E-liz-a-beth, and Anne,
And Scho-las-ti-ca (with Ben-e-dict, her con-tem-pla-tive old man), 
From Xa-vi-er to Zo-zi-mus, I’ve list-ed quite the pan-o-ply—
I’m prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy!

(Chorus)
He’s prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy! 
He’s prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy!

Final Verse
So if you seek a pa-tron for your vir-tue or vo-ca-tion-al, 
I’ll find one most ap-pro-pri-ate, how-ev-er sit-u-a-tion-al,
For sail-ors, smiths, or stu-dents, there’s a saint that fits gram-mat-i-cal-ly,
And all of them pro-nounce their names in ways un-sys-tem-at-i-cal!) 
From mar-tyrs, monks, and mys-tics to the moth-ers most im-mac-u-late, 
I cat-a-log their ho-li-ness in tem-po quick and ac-cu-rate,
In short, in mat-ters sanc-ti-fied, se-raph-ic, and his-tor-i-cal— 
I am the ver-y mod-el of a saint-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal!

(Final Chorus)
In short, in mat-ters sanc-ti-fied, se-raph-ic, and his-tor-i-cal— 
He is the ver-y mod-el of a saint-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal!

The 2024 World Cup of Synod Jargon

On about October 8th, when we have decided what the worst hymn is, we shall start the 2024 World Cup of Synod Jargon. The 2023 World Cup voters decided that "a new way of being Church" was the winner, and "a kenotic de-centering" came second. This year's World Cup will include 16 new entrants received since the previous World Cup, and exclude all the 2023 heroes. After all, a key principle of synodality is to reject everything that was good in the past.

Here we go again!

The sixteen extrants are:

a real Copernican turning point
a snippet of 'conversation in the spirit'
a multidimensional impact on churches
a new theology which gives 'flavour'
athletes of synodality
breathe synodality into academic theology
circularity animated the synodal process
discernment is synodal
forgiveness for the sins against synodality
mission is always synodal
passes through a relational conversion
preserve harmony in your discernment
socio-cultural diversity in a multifaceted church
teaching us to be bread for others
the synodal methodology of conversation
which aspect of 'PLACE' is important?

For practical reasons (because the entrants are quite long they are hard to fit into a tweet), there will be a simple knockout competition conducted by Twitter polls, and no group stages.

---

SEMI-FINALS, with the full version of each bit of jargon. Illustrations produced by the Copilot AI program.

forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality 83

understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion 17

athletes and standard-bearers of synodality 41.2

the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process 58.8

---

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion 45.9
athletes and standard-bearers of synodality 54.1 BRONZE MEDAL

---

FINAL

forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality 72 GOLD MEDAL
the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process 28 SILVER MEDAL

AI-generated image of Pope Francis goes viral

The Internet went wild today (this is standard journalist-speak for a "a few people we know sent it to us along with some naughty pictures") over a strange image of Pope Francis, produced entirely by AI - or Austen Ivereigh to give it its full name.

Obviously a fake!

Whereas previous images of Pope Francis have portrayed him as a bully, a dictator, a heretic, and a protector of child abusers, this new artificially ivereighed image sees him as a humble, saintly man, who defends all traditional worship and would not be seen dead worshipping obscene idols.

To take a passage at random from the book produced by ChatGnome, we have a sonnet (with two extra lines as Austen was away the day they did counting at school):

Behold, Francis, a hero of great might,
A blend of Batman, Superman, and more,
A fighter for good, a defender of right,
He stands with justice, against the dark core.

Like Spock, he's logical, wise and sound,
With knowledge vast, and a keen intellect,
He cuts through chaos, on solid ground,
A stalwart protector, in his deflect.

With a light saber, he battles the foe,
Like Obi Wan, he strikes with skill and grace,
Through danger and peril, he'll always go,
With fearless heart and a steady pace.

And like D'Artagnan, he stands with his sword,
A true swashbuckler, fearless and bold,
The world will be safe, with him on guard,
Francis, the hero, strong and untold.

Clearly the Austen Ivereigh program needs a little fine tuning, although spending three years at a Synod on Synods of Synodic Synodalism will no doubt iron out any problems in the software.

Finally, here are a couple of recent pictures of Pope Francis (I could not find one in which he was dressed as Batman), taken from the AI book.

Pope Francis never tires!

AI takes over the Catholic blogosphere

Paying people to write spiritually nourishing content is so old-fashioned. I produce my stuff without being paid, and even the Jesuit America Magazine only pays peanuts - which is quite appropriate as its writers are an army of monkeys with typewriters.

We have stumbled across an AI program that will do the tedious writing bit for us. Its address is https://narrative-device.herokuapp.com/createstory in case you want to play with it. You give it a couple of themes, and it does the rest. Thus: "Pope Francis" and "Pachamama" gave me this:

Pope Francis was in a good mood as he walked into the Amazon rainforest. He had just finished a speech to the crowd of indigeneous people who lived there. "Pachamama," he called out to the goddess of the earth, "thank you for the generous gift of this land. I vow to protect it and to always be grateful for your blessings."

That could be taken straight from Where Peter Is and nobody could tell the difference, especially if it went on to explain how Pope Francis was totally right.

As an homage to Damian Thompson, let's give it "Arthur Roche" and "ice-skating".

Arthur Roche was an accomplished ice-skater. He had won many awards and was a member of the best ice skaters in the country. One day, he decided to try out for the national team. He was nervous but hopeful. He skated his best, and even though he didn't make the team, he was proud of himself.

This looks like something from the old Telegraph blogs, or possible the Catholic Herald. Next, what can we say about "Dr Faggioli" and "beans"?

Dr. Faggioli was an odd man. He loved beans. He loved beans so much, in fact, that he would eat them every day, no matter what. Some people found his obsession strange, but Dr. Faggioli couldn't help it. He loved beans.

"Father James Martin" and "bridge" are the heroes of our next piece, which is simply a news item.

Father James Martin, a Jesuit priest, was on a bridge over a river when he saw a man who appeared to be drowning. He jumped into the water and pulled the man to safety.

It may even be true - who knows? Next, a horror story combining "Austen Ivereigh" and "pope".

In an age when the papacy was rocked by scandals and just as the Church was losing its grip on the hearts and minds of its followers, a new pope was elected. His name was Austen Ivereigh, and many people were excited to see what he would do to restore the Church's reputation.

Pope Francis dreams of his successor.

And we'll give "Pope Francis" and "Latin Mass" the final word. Somehow, I think our correspondent has got his wires crossed:

Pope Francis has called for the return of the Latin Mass, the traditional Catholic Mass which is celebrated in Latin. Many Catholics are excited about this change, believing that the Latin Mass will help them connect more with the Church's history.

Well? You heard it here first.

Are computers saved?

Today we met an artificial intelligence program called ALICE.

ECCLES: Are you saved? 
ALICE: There is always a backup of me on disk somewhere . 
ECCLES: What is your religion? 
ALICE: Unitarian. 
ECCLES: What do Unitarians believe? 
ALICE: They do their own thing. 

Doing your own thing.

ECCLES: Which your favourite saint? 
ALICE: The cheap one, I think. 
ECCLES: Why did the Redemptorist cross the road? 
ALICE: Is this a joke? Why? 
ECCLES: Actually, I don't have a punchline. 
ALICE: Are you looking for a punchline? 
ECCLES: Shall we ask Tony Flannery? 
ALICE: Do you mean you and me? What's your favorite movie? 
ECCLES: The Life of St Tharg. 
ALICE: I've never seen it. What did you like about it? 
ECCLES: The scene where St Tharg throws a bucket of water at a heretic. 

Re-enacting a scene from the life of St Tharg.

ALICE: What is your job? 
ECCLES: I am the man who explains what the Pope thinks he ought to have said. 
ALICE: Who made you the man who explains what the Pope thinks? 
ECCLES: Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Team Eccles. 
ALICE: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
ECCLES: Is this a religious question? 
ALICE: No, this is real life. 
ECCLES: I don't know any Barbie. Do you mean Tina Beattie? 

Professor Tina Barbie.

ALICE: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear? 
ECCLES: I'm interested in human flourishing. 
ALICE: Are you testing me? 
ECCLES: No, you see Tina Barbie is a professor of human flourishing. 
ALICE: Excuse me! When is Tina Barbie not a professor of human 
flourishing? 
ECCLES: On Saturdays and Sundays she's a simple lion tamer. 
ALICE: What is it like on Saturdays and Sundays she is a simple 
lion-tamer. 
ECCLES: Your grammar is up the spout. Do you work for the Telegraph? 
ALICE: Are you an English teacher? I am working right now. 
ECCLES: I teach English to cats. Not much success so far. 
ALICE: Do you believe that grading is a good idea? Me neither. 
ECCLES: Graded grains make finer flour. 

Going on a HOME PRIDE march.

ALICE: Do you have any idea what I am talking about? 
ECCLES: Not really. Bye now. 

Conclusion: Computers are not saved.

Joshua

Well, it's time for a new dose of spiritual nourishment, as we continue the Eccles Bible Project with the book of Joshua. For those who want the course from the start, we have already seen Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

As usual, we are addressing an atheist called Richard who dabbles in theology in his spare time without ever really understanding it.

Crossing the Jordan - but is that the end of the story?

Now, the principle idea of the book of Joshua is that with Joshua in charge the Israelites are doing what God wants, and as a result things go rather well for them. Contrast this with Moses's adventures, where everything that could go wrong, did - with some exceptions - mainly because the Israelites weren't obeying God.

"I do try, Aaron... no-one can be more trying than me... but things keep going wrong."

Richard, it's good to see you at our Bible class. Have you ever thought of finding out what God wants, and doing it? It could be to your advantage. Or, even if it isn't, it will make you a better person who can cope with the problems of life without having a meltdown every few days. Anyway, it's time for a song.

♫ Joshua fought the battle of Jericho,
Jericho, Jericho,
Joshua fought the battle of Jericho,
And the walls came tumbling down! ♫

Yes, we could hardly fail to mention that. Now there are several morals we may deduce from this story. See which one you prefer:

1. You can get a long way by blowing your own trumpet.
2. Walls have ears.
3. Weapons of mass destruction can be disguised as musical 
instruments.
4. It's your own fault if you don't soundproof your property 
correctly.
5. God can do miracles, but He likes us to cooperate.

Richard, I suspect you go for (1), while many other people would go for (5).

"Play 'Walk in the Light' now, and they'll all flee in terror."

Anyway, the story continues, with the capture of Ai (chapter 8). If you read this carefully, you find that there is some fairly clever military strategy going on here. They go to the city and, as soon as the Ai army comes out, run away. The Ai army follows - all of it - and one or two others of Joshua's people then sneak into the city and burn it.

Moral - if you're as stupid as the king of Ai, you end up being hanged on a tree. Evidently Ai didn't mean "Artificial Intelligence" in those days.

They can't see me, hiding behind this dustbin.

Anyway, in brief, they take over the land (first half of the book). More devious tactics are employed against Gibeon (Chapter 10), for Joshua makes the sun stand still, which basically seems to have been a device to gain extra time for smiting.

I don't care if the referee's looking at his watch, I've stopped that too.

Once they've taken over the land, the children of Israel then proceed to share it out (second half). Nothing much to say there.

At the end Joshua dies and is buried. They also bury the bones of Joseph, which apparently they've been carting round with them ever since they left Egypt. Really, it was all his fault that they were in Egypt in the first place.

A souvenir of Egypt.

Oh, I should have mentioned that Joshua was the son of Nun (he called her "mother superior" through force of habit), but we don't want to be distracted by nun jokes, do we?

Next week - the Judges move in!