The Traddy-Ban captures Rome

Catholics worldwide have been stunned by the news that the Tradi-ban is now occupying Rome, led by the triumvirate of Bar-Golio, Pah-Rolin, and Ahfah-Roche. Last night Rome was full of Tradi-Ban troops singing the victory anthem "Trads Cussed".

Sadly, nobody suspected that when President Bidenict XVI withdrew his forces in 2013, the brutal forces of Tradi-ban would soon be able to take over and occupy the eternal city and from there rule the entire land of Catholistan.

"Someone's singing Salve Regina! Send in the elite Swiss Guard commandos."

With the Tradi-ban in power, there will be many new restrictions on the rights of Catholics - and in particular, they will be deprived of freedom of worship. Women will be told how to dress: mantillas and long dresses are out, and they will be forced to wear the soulless uniform dictated by Bar-Goglio, namely, bergos (crop tops and yoga pants).

President Bidenict has so far not commented on the Tradi-ban coup, and at his advanced age he now spends most of his time sleeping and eating ice-cream. However, there has been criticism worldwide of his hasty withdrawal, which left many Catholics in danger of persecution.

The Tradi-ban's forces fail to destroy a strategic target.

All is not lost, however. Political commentators such as Max Beans, Lamb Chop, and Tom Risible have welcomed the Tradi-ban as finally bringing Catholistan kicking and screaming into the 1970s. And we know how seriously people take their views.

Mohammed was a "teacher of the faith", say German bishops

Germany’s Catholic bishops have praised Mohammed as a "Gospel witness and teacher of the faith", and called for closer ties with Muslims. As part of the celebrations of the 1400th anniversary of the dawn of Islam, Bishop Gerhard Feige of Magdeburg, chairman of the German bishops’ ecumenical commission, has produced a 206-page report calling for Mohammed's mission to be seen in a more positive light.

Not Mohammed. But we're risking a Lutheran attack by publishing a picture of this prophet.

Obviously, there are some minor doctrinal differences between Christianity and Islam, but nothing that a truly ecumenical person cannot live with. Muslims believe that the prophet Mohammed was sent by God to re-establish the true faith of Adam, Abraham, Moses, and all the other good eggs; moreover, the Koran is the word of God, and a jolly good read. Many Christians see things slightly differently, maintaining that Mohammed was a very naughty boy, and that the Koran is a load of tosh.

"So, broadly speaking, we are in complete agreement," says Bishop Feige. "For those of us who are German Catholics and don't really worry about religious matters, as long as we can collect a good healthy church tax, it is hard to see what all the fuss is about."

Some Muslims live similar lifestyles to German bishops.

The bishops' report includes conciliatory letters between the German bishops’ conference president, Cardinal Reinhard Marx, and Hibatullah Akhundzada, Head of the Taliban. Cardinal Marx wrote that he had always thought that the Catholic Church could learn a lot from Islamic fundamentalism, and proposed a pilgrimage to the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, with a joint service devoted to "healing memories". Perhaps they could participate in a joint clown Mass, or perhaps a lesbian diversity Mass? Akhundzada replied that he would welcome the arrival of Marx, and was already setting up a commission to decide whether to boil him in oil, eviscerate him, or simply behead him as the highlight of an ecumenical service.

If this doesn't lead to Christian-Islamic Unity, then nothing will.

The ecumenical commission’s deputy chairman, Bishop Heinz Algermissen of Fulda, said Catholic-Islamic ties had improved since the Second Vatican Council, once Catholics had been encouraged to drop controversial notions such as sin, redemption, forgiveness, good and evil. However he stressed that churches must work for "visible unity, not just reconciled diversity".