Jesus never got a Nobel prize

Distinguished theologian Richard Dawkins went on the attack again today, pointing out that, since Jesus never got a Nobel prize, there could be no truth in Christianity.

Alfred Nobel - an atheist. So that proves it.

"He is called the Prince of Peace," explained Dawkins, "but who do we see in the list of Nobel peace prize winners? Henry Kissinger. Jimmy Carter. Al Gore. Barack Obama. The European Union... But no sign of Jesus or of any Christian churches. The nearest we get is Desmond Tutu, who recently chose to go to Hell. Not that Hell exists of course."

"Then again, Christ was said to be able to heal the sick. But did He ever get a Nobel prize for it? No! That proves the Bible is wrong from beginning to end," continued Dawkins.

Sir John Eccles, Nobel prize for medicine/physiology (1963).

Christian leaders were quick to respond, pointing out that nobody called Dawkins had ever won a Nobel prize, and statistically one would have expected more people called Richard to have collected the prestigious gong. But Dawkins had one final shot in his locker.

"It's true that many Nobel prizes have gone to the College of the Most Holy and Undivided Trinity in the Town and University of Cambridge," he said, "but I expect that this year's prizes will mostly go to an even more prestigious institution, the New College of the Humanities, set up by Anthony Grayling, at which I lecture on memes, genes, gnomes and moans."

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"The Mass is ended. Now f*** off."

Meanwhile, the "Rev." Alice Goodman, a lady vicar who drives around in a car with the obscene slogan "wtfwjd" on the back - note that the Lord's Name doesn't even get a capital letter - was unrepentant when someone finally complained. "My ****** knows I have the ******* on my ***, and has no difficulty with it, and I have had the former ********** of Canterbury in my car, Rowan Williams, and he didn't ***** an eyebrow," she explained. "Now **** off, in the Name of the Lord, my son."

Lord Williams of Oystermouth, who met Lady Goodman of Pottymouth.

Tutu chooses Hell

Fascinating news from South Africa, where Archbishop Desmond Tutu tells us that he would prefer Hell to a homophobic Heaven.

The sort of tutu that nobody would mock.

So Desmond, do you think that in Heaven people's sexual urges will be relevant? Have you really thought this one out? Would it be better to stop posturing and just accept the fact that Christianity has always looked rather dimly upon homosexual activity, as one of many recognised sins?

Entry requirements for Heaven are a 2.1 degree or better. A 2.2 is not good enough.

Look, I'm sorry Des, old man. You were dead right to oppose apartheid - although as a black man in South Africa it would have been surprising if you hadn't - but you are getting very confused when you start talking about sexual morality. Good Christians don't persecute homosexually-inclined people, but they don't pretend that sex in any context other than within marriage between a man and a woman should be approved of, either.

Desmond, how nice to see you. We have lots of bishops here.

Meanwhile, this blog is uniquely privileged, in that it has contacts in Heaven. So we asked St Paul for a brief statement on Desmond Tutu's latest outburst.

St Paul comments.

"I'm afraid that Mr Tutu really wouldn't enjoy Heaven. We do have some rather strict rules, you see. No smoking, no drugs, no guitars, no pet mice, no Paul Inwood music, and no sex. What we have is much better..."

We expect that Giles Fraser will soon be available for comment. He usually is.

Bad Hymns 14

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are very pleased to welcome Sister Marie Lydia Pereira, who is going to tell us about her hymn Go, the Mass is ended.

Some people just won't take a hint.

E: Now, Sister Marie, I think I've managed to extract the main message of your hymn, "Go, the Mass is ended," not least because you repeat it eight times. And a very good message it is too, when the priest says it at the end of the service.

MLP: That's right, Eccles. Of course some traddy priests will insist on saying "Ite, Missa est," which nobody can understand. So the congregation just hangs around wondering what to do next.

E: Yes, it's like guests at a party, isn't it? You look at your watch, you say "My, is that the time?" You yawn a bit, you get out the vacuum cleaner, you say, "I see there's an excellent bus passing in the next 10 minutes," but they just don't take the hint, do they?

Sometimes there is only one way to make guests leave.

MLP: You're so right, Eccles. And even in more liberal services, the priest's dismissal tends to get drowned out by the natural gossiping that we indulge in after taking communion.

E: So I can see that a hymn which says, "Clear off, now," would be very useful to a priest.

MLP: Well, exactly. What the congregation doesn't always realise is that the priest may have other appointments. For example, he might wish to bless the church band's new instruments (guitar, comb-and-paper, kazoo and vuvuzela) in readiness for another mass later in the day.

A requiem mass (Gregorian chant), played on a blessed vuvuzela.

E: But isn't the dismissal supposed to be said by the priest, not repeated eight times by the congregation?

MLP: Alas, it's very hard to get priests to sing my hymn as a solo, Eccles.

E: In fact the whole song is really more appropriate for the priest, and not the congregation, isn't it? "Take God’s Word to others as you’ve heard it spoken to you," for example. A good thing to do, but shouldn't such a command come from the priest, and not the local bank manager sitting behind me?

Now men, I want you to gladden all who meet you. [Do you think that's wise, sir?]

MLP: Bank manager, eh? Should I insert a verse about "Save your money, spend it wisely?" No, that's probably a little off-topic.

E: I think the hymn is perfect as it is, Sister Marie. No need to write any more. Go, the interview is ended.

Hands up if you want to leave now.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag