The bouncing pope

Pope Francis has revealed that he was once employed as a bouncer.

Pope Francis in his younger days.

The Holy Father worked in a variety of locations in his native Argentina. For example, as a very junior priest, he would say "Go, the Mass is ended" at the end of a service, and woe betide anyone who refused to leave promptly: they might find themselves leaving on all fours.

Later, as Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires, Francis made it his particular concern to stand at the door of the cathedral as people went in for Mass. Once in a while he would block someone's entry with an "Oi! You! You're a self-absorbed promethean neopelagian! Beat it, before I beat it for you!" followed by a "Bless you" as the erring worshipper hurriedly beat a retreat.

Pelagius - had his teeth smashed in by Augustine of Hippo.

It is not commonly known, but many papal conclaves have concluded with trials of physical strength: it doesn't matter too much if a pope keeps confusing St Peter with St Paul - the names are very much alike - but it is necessary for him to be able to fight off rival contenders for the throne of St Paul. I mean Peter.

Pope Francis wrestles Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor into submission.

Only orthodox fighting methods are allowed in the Vatican: for example the ancient art of Hans Kung Fu is regarded as heretical, as is hitting one's opponent in the face with a quiche (or Flannery, as it is called).

Cardinals train regularly.

Meanwhile, Catholic priests are urged to keep themselves in peak physical condition: in particular, if anyone arrives at their church carrying a guitar, he should be firmly prevented from entering, as indeed should anyone who is dressed for liturgical dancing. You have been warned.

Bishop John Robinson represented the Anglicans against the Catholics in the 1970s.

Tabloid survey on the new Mass translation

Not to be taken more than once a year.

Hello there, we at the Tabloid are conducting a totally impartial survey on the new translation of the liturgy (or "New Mass" as we call it). Please choose an option from each of the following.

1. The liturgy reached perfection in...
(a) 1973, when we finally got rid of Latin forever;
(b) 2011, when we introduced a rubbish translation with 
hard words in it;
(c) it will never reach perfection until Paul Inwood is 
given a free hand.

2. Which of the following do you prefer...
(a) "And also with you," friendly and polite;
(b) "And with your spirit," because I'm a pompous old fogey;
(c) "Yeah, right, mate, whatever."

3. When you say "...through my fault, through my fault, 
through my most grievous fault" do you...
(a) strike your breast, like a foolish old traddy;
(b) grin, knowing that the words are not to be taken literally;
(c) our priest skips this bit and we do a liturgical dance instead.

It was YOUR most grievous fault. Got that?

4. How well does the priest manage to say the new 
Eucharistic Prayers... 
(a) he gets them wrong, and corrects himself;
(b) he uses the old prayers because he is imbued with 
the spirit of Vatican II;
(c) he uses his own words ("mug" instead of "chalice" and 
"OK, there's coffee next door" instead of "Go forth, the 
Mass is ended."

Just as good as a "chalice."

5. How often do you see people around you in the pews still 
struggling to follow the new text? 
(a) always, with cries of "Help! What does 'consubstantial' 
mean, again?"
(b) never, because they still say the old one;
(c) er, we've not had anyone attending Mass since the 1970s. 

6. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof?
(a) Oh yes I am;
(b) Oh no I'm not;
(c) What does this question mean, anyway?

7. Latin is the work of...
(a) the Devil;
(b) the Pope, whom we must resist at all costs;
(c) Julius Caesar, but what's he got to do with the Mass?

It's all his fault.

8.Are you reading the Tabloid because you are...
(a) an escaped lunatic;
(b) a layman in good standing;
(c) a miserable deacon who likes insulting people;
(d) a go-ahead liberal priest;
(e) a bishop/archbishop/cardinal;
(f) the Pope, Hans Küng, or someone of equal status?

Bad Hymns 14

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are very pleased to welcome Sister Marie Lydia Pereira, who is going to tell us about her hymn Go, the Mass is ended.

Some people just won't take a hint.

E: Now, Sister Marie, I think I've managed to extract the main message of your hymn, "Go, the Mass is ended," not least because you repeat it eight times. And a very good message it is too, when the priest says it at the end of the service.

MLP: That's right, Eccles. Of course some traddy priests will insist on saying "Ite, Missa est," which nobody can understand. So the congregation just hangs around wondering what to do next.

E: Yes, it's like guests at a party, isn't it? You look at your watch, you say "My, is that the time?" You yawn a bit, you get out the vacuum cleaner, you say, "I see there's an excellent bus passing in the next 10 minutes," but they just don't take the hint, do they?

Sometimes there is only one way to make guests leave.

MLP: You're so right, Eccles. And even in more liberal services, the priest's dismissal tends to get drowned out by the natural gossiping that we indulge in after taking communion.

E: So I can see that a hymn which says, "Clear off, now," would be very useful to a priest.

MLP: Well, exactly. What the congregation doesn't always realise is that the priest may have other appointments. For example, he might wish to bless the church band's new instruments (guitar, comb-and-paper, kazoo and vuvuzela) in readiness for another mass later in the day.

A requiem mass (Gregorian chant), played on a blessed vuvuzela.

E: But isn't the dismissal supposed to be said by the priest, not repeated eight times by the congregation?

MLP: Alas, it's very hard to get priests to sing my hymn as a solo, Eccles.

E: In fact the whole song is really more appropriate for the priest, and not the congregation, isn't it? "Take God’s Word to others as you’ve heard it spoken to you," for example. A good thing to do, but shouldn't such a command come from the priest, and not the local bank manager sitting behind me?

Now men, I want you to gladden all who meet you. [Do you think that's wise, sir?]

MLP: Bank manager, eh? Should I insert a verse about "Save your money, spend it wisely?" No, that's probably a little off-topic.

E: I think the hymn is perfect as it is, Sister Marie. No need to write any more. Go, the interview is ended.

Hands up if you want to leave now.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag