Pope wins Nobel prize for Boredom

It's the season for awarding Nobel prizes (Roger Penrose got one for his work on Black Holes Matter), and, as was widely expected, Pope Francis has been awarded the Nobel prize for Boredom, on account of his encyclical Tutti Frutti, as everyone is calling it.

This is what it's all about.

The prize-winning work is said to draw on the writings of such renowned theologians as Karl Marx, Maximilien Robespierre, John Lennon, Meghan Markle, and Greta Thunberg, with lots of citations of the humblest pope in history (Pope F*****s). To get some flavour of it, pick three words at random from the word cloud above, and form them into a sentence. Bonus marks if you spot anything to do with religion, such as "God", "Jesus" or "Sin".

So we dipped in and got "world", "people" and "dignity". Our message to you all is "The dignity of the people of the world." Or possibly "Dignity from the world of people." You can probably find both phrases somewhere in Tutti Frutti.

Useful advice on putting duvets into covers!

Of course, not everyone is an admirer of this masterpiece. We have heard two criticisms:

1. The title "Fratelli tutti" is sexist, and so no self-respecting womyn should read the encyclical. Sigh... we know what's in it... just a catalogue of ways that Catholics are encouraged to oppress womyn. Pope Francis thinks that all womyn are good for is putting duvets into covers! Come on, sisters, let's go to the Vatican and have a sit in! Bring your duvets!

2. Pope Francis doesn't like the death penalty. So Catholic teaching has changed. Next week, Catholic teaching on abortion, homosexuality, drug orgies, embezzling money, and framing Australian cardinals may also be changing. Do let us know your suggestions!

Prof. Massimo Faggioli, top gelato Catholic, distributing copies of Tutti Frutti.

So, nothing new, and a worthy recipient of the Nobel Prize for Boredom.

How we know we are living in the End Times

From the 3rd Letter of St Paul to the Jesuits.

1. Now, brothers, many of ye have asked me, "How shall we know that the Day of the Lord is nigh?"

2. Ye shall know that ye live in the End Times by means of various signs.

3. For lo! The world shall become very silly, and by this ye shall know that your time is nearly up.

4. First, clowns shall stalk the land, spreading terror to all who see them.

Pope Francis receiveth his new cardinals.

5. Then in England, a land flowing with Marmite, shall men complain that this wondrous foodstuff is no more.

6. The great wells of Marmite shall dry up, and the pipeline that bringeth Marmite from the distant East shall run dry.

7. Even the mighty jars of Dawkins, that once ran with milk, honey, and Marmite, shall be empty. And the professors of Oxford shall starve.

And men shall say that Bin Laden hath won.

8. And there shall be other signs of silliness.

9. For a singer of popular ballads shall win a mighty prize for literature.

10. Thus shall he spoken of as the equal of Kipling, Yeats, Mann, Eliot, and Camus.

And Dylan shall ask "How many roads must a man walk down?"

11. Finally, and silliest of all, the sound of the Trump and the sound of the Clinton shall be heard in the land of America.

12. For the people shall be asked to choose between a complete slob and a woman of infinite evil.

No, this is beyond a joke.

13. And at that point the LORD shall say, "Enough! This is too silly!" and the world shall end.

ISIS offers to merge with Amnesty International

The Muslim organization ISIS (specialities: murdering unarmed women, children, journalists, taxi-drivers, in fact anyone who can't fight back) has offered a merger to Amnesty International (specialities: well, originally fighting against torture and unjust imprisonment, and now campaigning for changes in abortion law).

A proposed logo for the new combined organization.

Said a spokesman for the Satanic State, Mr B. El-Zebub, "We really admire what Amnesty is doing. I mean, we're very proud of our record of killing the weak and helpless, but Amnesty is set to outdo us easily. We've been looking at abortion statistics, and we simply can't compete in terms of slaying innocent people."

His friend "Jihadi Jimmy" was quick to agree. "I like killing defenceless people and biting the heads off small fluffy kittens, all in the name of Allah the Merciful, but massacring babes in the womb and calling this a human right takes cruelty and depravity to a new level. I'm all for it."

Brave Jihadi Jimmy ran away in terror when this cat mewed at him.

So far Amnesty International has not issued any response to the offer from ISIS, but we understand that some of its supporters are very keen on the proposal. Having won a Nobel Peace Prize in 1977, Amnesty is already associated with some extremely dubious characters, some of whom are sympathetic to the new culture of mass murder. So a merger with ISIS is an offer that they will surely take seriously.

No longer members of Amnesty.

A lucky escape for Pope Francis

Pope Francis today declared himself "delighted" that the Nobel Peace Prize had been awarded to Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Statyarthi, rather than to himself. For several months he had been hotly tipped to become a Nobel Laureate, following in the steps of such peaceful people and organizations as Barack Obama, the EU, Al Gore, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Jimmy Carter, Yasser Arafat, Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu, Henry Kissinger, Le Duc Tho, Pope St John-Paul II, Stephen Fry, The BBC, First Great Western Trains, Ryanair, Gerry Adams, Nicholas Parsons, and Adolf Hitler. But in the end he escaped.

Pope Francis puts a brave face on his disappointment.

Said a spokesman, "Pope Francis has made heroic efforts to broker peace in the Catholic Church between the Tabletistas and the Catholic Herald People's Front (and their sister organizations in Rome, the Kasperites and the CDF), even to the extent of calling a special synod so that weirdos and misfits of every description could have their say. It would have been sheer cruelty to have awarded him the Nobel Peace Prize, which, with the exception of Bl. Mother Teresa, is generally reserved for politicians and lunatics; it's definitely not intended for people who are pro-life, or in favour of traditional ideas of marriage! Nobel was Swedish, you know - the country of 'free love' and all that..."

Barack Obama, Golfer, Nobel Laureate, and not much else.

Commentators have also observed that, if Pope Francis had been given the Nobel Peace Prize, then he would have felt obliged to reciprocate by canonizing Alfred Nobel, who was the inventor of dynamite and an arms manufacturer (he owned Bofors). Some Catholic commentators feel that this might be a step too far, especially since no miracles are yet attributed to St Alfred, beyond that of regularly turning bozos into international treasures by awarding them prizes.

They don't like it up 'em! A Bofors cannon keeps the peace.

However, as we have reported elsewhere on this blog, the 2013 Nobel Prize for Physics was awarded to God, for His "God Particle", and pious Catholic Louise Mensch, author of "She gave up Corby for love" shared the 2012 Nobel Prize for Literature. So it's only Peace that has eluded the Catholic Church.

God gets Nobel prize, but Dawkins never existed

Theologians and scientists were equally excited today, as the Nobel Committee announced that the 2013 prize for Physics would be awarded to God.

The tracks of the God Particle (a.k.a. the Higgs Boson).

Press reports at first claimed that the prize was to be award to Professor Peter Higgs, the physicist who first conjectured that there was a missing particle, and, surprisingly, that like him it was called "Higgs". But when it was pointed out that this was the particle without which Mass was impossible, it became clear that in fact God Himself was involved.

Religious leaders were quick to point out that the very idea of a large hadron collider, which involves bodies going round in circles, crashing into other bodies and emitting energy, is based on various well-known church concepts, for example, a synod, or a conclave of cardinals.

Cardinals colliding under experimental conditions.

God has decided to make a statement concerning His Nobel prize, and has broken tradition by refusing to talk directly to a prophet who might take down His words verbatim and make a book out of them. Instead, He has given an interview to an Italian journalist. Unfortunately, the journalist was somewhat deaf and didn't catch everything the "still small voice of calm" was saying. Moreover, his pencil broke (he had not come to grips with modern technology), and so he had to reconstruct the interview from memory.

Apart from that, the interview was a great success, although it is not clear whether God really said: "All this Good and Evil stuff is over-rated, the important thing is to have fun," words which have shocked traditionalists.

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In other news, American Biblical scholar Joseph Atwill has claimed that the comedy atheist, Richard Dawkins, never existed, and his entire story was fabricated by Christians wishing to discredit atheism.

The "floating head" miracle - obviously a fake.

Said Atwill: "We have obtained confessions from a group of Christians, which make it clear that the patently absurd life story of Dawkins was just a propaganda exercise on their behalf. The entity known as 'Dawkins' has been constructed by combining obviously meaningless comments on religion with computer images. It's just surprising that it actually fooled anyone for more than a few moments, but people will always believe what they want to believe."

A "debate" with Cardinal Pell - the wonky Dawkins image is a clear sign of a forgery.

The purpose of the Dawkins Hoax is obvious - as a result, Christian belief is stronger than ever before, and even Islam is experiencing a revival as a result of the straw-man criticisms made by "Dawkins". It has led sceptical people to wonder whether there are other fabricated "celebrities" operating - surely preposterous creations such as Stephen Fry cannot be real?

Jesus never got a Nobel prize

Distinguished theologian Richard Dawkins went on the attack again today, pointing out that, since Jesus never got a Nobel prize, there could be no truth in Christianity.

Alfred Nobel - an atheist. So that proves it.

"He is called the Prince of Peace," explained Dawkins, "but who do we see in the list of Nobel peace prize winners? Henry Kissinger. Jimmy Carter. Al Gore. Barack Obama. The European Union... But no sign of Jesus or of any Christian churches. The nearest we get is Desmond Tutu, who recently chose to go to Hell. Not that Hell exists of course."

"Then again, Christ was said to be able to heal the sick. But did He ever get a Nobel prize for it? No! That proves the Bible is wrong from beginning to end," continued Dawkins.

Sir John Eccles, Nobel prize for medicine/physiology (1963).

Christian leaders were quick to respond, pointing out that nobody called Dawkins had ever won a Nobel prize, and statistically one would have expected more people called Richard to have collected the prestigious gong. But Dawkins had one final shot in his locker.

"It's true that many Nobel prizes have gone to the College of the Most Holy and Undivided Trinity in the Town and University of Cambridge," he said, "but I expect that this year's prizes will mostly go to an even more prestigious institution, the New College of the Humanities, set up by Anthony Grayling, at which I lecture on memes, genes, gnomes and moans."

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"The Mass is ended. Now f*** off."

Meanwhile, the "Rev." Alice Goodman, a lady vicar who drives around in a car with the obscene slogan "wtfwjd" on the back - note that the Lord's Name doesn't even get a capital letter - was unrepentant when someone finally complained. "My ****** knows I have the ******* on my ***, and has no difficulty with it, and I have had the former ********** of Canterbury in my car, Rowan Williams, and he didn't ***** an eyebrow," she explained. "Now **** off, in the Name of the Lord, my son."

Lord Williams of Oystermouth, who met Lady Goodman of Pottymouth.

Nobel prizes awarded

Warning: not much spiritual nourishment today.

Sir Jimmy Savile, posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize

It was announced today that the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to the late Sir Jimmy Savile, who "fixed it" for so many people. Said a spokesman, "We had a strong field this year, and we also shortlisted Abu Hamza, the BBC, the EU, and President Chávez. But in the end, Sir Jimmy was the unanimous choice of the committee.

President Ahmadinejad blames the Jews for his omission yet again.

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Gordon Brown, Nobel Prize for Economics

The Nobel Prize for Economics has gone to Gordon Brown, who saved the world (and most of the rest of the solar system) in such a spectacular fashion a few years ago. It was thought by some that the prize should instead be awarded to the Greek nation as a whole, but in the end Brown was the one to receive the honour. When asked how he would spend the money, he replied that he was thinking of throwing it down the drain in order to stimulate neo-endogenous growth, but for the moment what he needed was to lie down in a darkened room.

The people of Greece show how they lost their entire savings on a horse..

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Herman van Rompuy listens to Lady Gaga.

The EU hit the jackpot, however, when the Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded. Said a spokesman for the awarding body: "The EU's annual accounts are the most hilarious work of fiction that we've ever read. The story of how they donated 2000 billion euros to the Hydrophobian flobble-fruit farmers, without even realising that there is no such country as Hydrophobia, or anything called a flobble-fruit, is up there with the work of Swift and Voltaire. And they pretend all along that they are being serious."

Jeffrey Archer was unavailable for comment. Well, to be honest, we didn't ask him.

Louise Mensch, author of "She gave up Corby for love," shared the prize.