The BBC Murders

This Christmas has seen a television "adaptation" of an Agatha Christie novel, the ABC Murders, by one Sarah Phelps. Some would say that Sarah was an unlikely person to make the adaptation as she had never previously heard of Agatha Christie, and was very unsure who Hercule Poirot was ("He's the aristocratic one with the monocle, isn't he?"). Nonetheless, it doesn't really matter because she decided to rewrite the whole story, making it fit better with 2018 BBC values of political correctness, anti-Brexit, secularism, etc.

In this version Hercule Poirot's back-story has changed slightly, and he is an African cardinal with fairly traditional beliefs.

Hercule Poirot, with trademark deerstalker.

Poirot is summoned to investigate a series of deaths. The first is the German cardinal, His Eminence Joachim Meisner. Allegedly he was vacationing in Bad Füssing in Bavaria. Since he was an Archbishop, Poirot realises instantly that this begins with A, and is the first of a chain of murders.

But what could the connection be with the second victim, Carlo Caffarra? Allegedly, he had suffered a long illness, but could the arsenic and cyanide found in his coffee, along with the rope round his neck, the dagger in his back, the bullet-holes in his chest and the marks of lead piping on his crushed skull lead to suspicions of foul play?

Poirot evidently thought so, and making the usual references to "my little green cells" and "the game is afoot, Watson!" (Sarah Phelps really knows how to get "inside" a character), he saw that Caffarra was from Bologna - "that means 'B', old Parker-bird!") and that this must be the second in the chain.

Could this be the next victim? C for Cardinal...

Now, it was entirely a red herring that Meisner and Caffarra were authors of the "Dubia" submitted to Pope Francis. Although Inspector Maigret wanted to give police protection to the remaining authors, Burke and Brandmüller, our hero, Poirot, saw further, and realised that the next victim would probably be called Viganò, because there was no connection with C at all!

Further....

I'm sorry, I seem to have got the wrong end of the stick here. The ABC murders actually refer to St Thomas Becket, ArchBishop of Canterbury, and Hercule Poirot is looking for four knights. It is believed that one may be Michael Palin.

Nobody expects Sir Michael Palin!

Catholic converts - are they all nutters?

A special in-depth analysis for Crux, by Austen Ivereigh, with additional insults from Michael Sean Winters and Massimo Faggioli.

Converts!!?? Arentchasickofem??!! Blimey, I think they're all neurotic!!?? Not like me!!?? I've got a badge from my brain-care specialist saying that I am "almost sane"!!??

Shouldn't all converts wear one of these??!! Stands to reason, innit!!??

Pope Francis tells me that he has a serious problem with converts. Unlike most Catholics they have actually taken the trouble to study the teachings of the Catholic Church, and they keep tripping him up every time he gets it wrong. This is what we intellectuals call "a distorted hermeneutic". Curiously, that's also what my doctor told me I had got, when I strained myself throwing stones at converts. But I no longer need to wear a truss for it.

When I was press secretary to the Archbishop of Westminster, he drew my attention to a little-known convert called St Paul. We don't hear much about him these days, but my researches have shown that he was clearly neurotic!! Well, there you are then!!

Edith Stein - another neurotic convert. H/T @drcrouchback

A neurosis is a pathological or extreme reaction to something that simply doesn’t correspond to reality. For example, a sample of Crux readers were asked for their reactions to my writing:

10% were suicidal,
20% said "I'm a teapot, I'm a teapot",
50% had severe bruising to their heads through repeated facepalms,
and the other 20% said they could no longer sleep with the light out in case the Ivereigh Monster came to eat them up.

Oh, I forgot John Allen, who simply said, "FANTASTIC STUFF, AUSTEN!! KEEP GOING!!"

A friend in Ireland writes: "I keep seeing people who seem to have converted because they believe what the Church teaches. What a change from the old days, when Catholics were Catholics because their parents were, and it was considered bad form to mention religion at home!"

Enda, you're right!!

Enda Kenny, the most prominent "Catholic Voice" in Ireland!!

Conversion should be an act of humility. New Catholics should say themselves "Am I as humble as Austen Ivereigh?" They should forget all that they have learned about Catholic doctrine, and listen to the wise voices of people like me. It means faith - in the Pope and in me!! It means trusting that the Pope is guiding the Holy Spirit, and that I can do no wrong!!

Francis is the first to invite criticism - it bounces off him like water off a duck's back. Yes, he is always willing to clarify Catholic teaching, as Cardinal Meisner could have told you, if he hadn't died while waiting for an answer!!

So, let's have no more converts!!?? They're all nutters!!??

A tribute to Cardinal Meisner

In an exclusive interview with this blog, Pope Francis has paid tribute to Cardinal Joachim Meisner, who died this week.

"Look, even this puppet can say 'No, yes, yes, yes, yes!'"

"Johann, er, Joachim Meisner was one of my closest friends," explained the Holy Father. "Unfortunately we lost touch in recent years, although we used to exchange phone calls, Christmas cards and discussions of theology in the old days. In fact, I think I've got one of his letters here, which I never got round to answering. It was signed by four of my closest cardinal-friends, but Spadaro said that it was simply something complimenting me on the solid Catholic doctrine in Amoris Laetitia, and it didn't require any reply."

"Hey, Sosa! I've blocked ALL the Catholics on Twitter. Job done!"

"Anyway, he was a good man, and a good Catholic, which is probably why we grew apart in the last few months. I seem to remember that he wrote another letter, requesting an audience, but we popes are very busy men, and I just couldn't find time to see him. Or even to reply to his letter. We shall not see his like again - in fact I hope not!"

"And I wouldn't have given this numpty an audience, if I'd known he was going to wear Islamic rainbow socks."

Dancing vicars

Getting married soon? Tired of the old-fashioned God-centred service? Want to party instead? We can put you in touch with dancing vicars and more!

"I am the Lady of the Dance," said she.

Yes, "Revver" Kate Bottley will liven up your wedding with a spot of Everybody Dance Now! Suitable for everyone from the ages of 5 to 25!

Let's go, Moly. This isn't the Extraordinary Form Mass we were promised.

But that's not all! On our books we have even more exciting possibilities. Planning a requiem Mass for someone you loved? Why not liven it up with a juggling vicar? Or a sword-swallowing deacon?

Man that is born of woman hath but a short time to live, so let's party!

But you don't have to be Anglican to see a church service as an occasion for fooling around. Here's Cardinal Meisner, a distinguished German theologian, celebrating Mass with his little friend "Helmut".

Surely you must be Joachim?

Catholic seminaries are seeing a new influx of trainee priests, now that (as recommended by Vatican II) the syllabus includes acrobatics, fire-eating and magic, in addition to the traditional courses on hermeneutics, ontology, sacramental theology, church history, etc.

Brother Dynamo demonstrates a little-known Old Testament miracle.

Of course the atheists are feeling left out in the silliness stakes, but Richard Dawkins, ever anxious for publicity, is here with his "floating head" trick; he is available for weddings, bar-mitzvahs, and Oxford degree ceremonies.

I call this "The God Illusion".